Don't understand this
SO's nanswer for everyting is 'but thats what SS16 wants' or 'I just want to make SS16 happy'. So this is what I hear when SS doesn't want to do homework, when SS wants to change visitation scedules (HE decides, not his dad or BM), when I complain that SS doesn't follow same rules as my children, when SS doesn't attend school meetings ("I forgot Dad") etc etc etc. Why?? I don't get this? He is perfectly happy as he is going from house to house getting treated like a prince everywhere he goes, doing no chores, no rules, no schoolwork. He is failing at everyting and is socially immature and lies (SO will NOT bel he is lying ,rather 3 teachers who spotted him riding his bike round school are lying). Can't he see what hs son is like??? It is sooo rewarding when yur kids achieve- SO will never experience this. And so why am I wrong?? My bios are happy, they don't get everything they want and are not spoilt. I really really DON'T GET IT??? What is he trying to achieve.
(NB SS 'lives' here but is now spending 3 nights at his sisters house, 2 nights here and the rest with BM at his request. He is in last yr of exams at school- I totally disaggree with this come and go lifestyle I feel like I'm running a hotel)
Isn't it common for divorced
Isn't it common for divorced parents to try and "make it up" to the kids? We are guilty of that, the skids really don't like staying with us because they were told how horrible their father is, that has since been nipped in the bud and things are a little better, DH is the "Disneyland Dad". You're not wrong but the kids have no choice but to divide their time between families and your husband can't help the way he feels, it all stems from guilt.
Guilt for what tho? .I can't
Guilt for what tho? .I can't comprehend this guilt thing? (maybe cos I was a child of four from a divorce and I never blameed either mum or dad it just happened and we got on with it)BM left because she wanted a single life, she had been having affairs for years. It wasn't SO's fault in any way. I don't have guilt with my kids, honestly I don't. They are just ok with everything and thriving and settled and independant. This SS is soooo needy and SO gives into everyting, he can't do anything for himself. My concern is he won't get a job, will have no money, will need dad to do everything and will live here forever....help!!! I'm not even happy on the days he's not here because I think about him all the time (bel me I try not to). SO says he has to make him happy and this is 'his home'. What about it being mine and my kids home too? Theres not just one person in this family that is more important than anybody else.
PS thanks for comment Alice,
PS thanks for comment Alice, I really need help in understanding what is going on in SO's head.
I don't quite understand why
I don't quite understand why he's shuffling around house to house while he's still in school, but maybe your DH feels guilty he can't provide him with the stability your kids get. Maybe he doesn't want his BS to ever think, he took better care of or loved your kids more. I cna understand it being hard to broach the subject with out it sounding like "wicked stepmother" is nagging again, but have you talked to DH about how much you really want to see this kid succeed but he has to be on board?
Thanks again for yr reply an
Thanks again for yr reply an suggestions Alice. Yes, tried and tried to talk and suggest to SO that doing everything SS wants is not neecesarily the best thing for him. MIL and SIL all agree this kid needs a stable home and routine. When he started high school we agreed he would stay here and have a steady home life while he was taking exams, that changed after only 2 weeks when BM moved back nearer to us and SO backed down on visitation. SS makes the rules about where he lives/who he visits and academically has got worse and worse - he now gets E's and ungradeds. He is capable of As-but refuses to study or revise because he 'doesn't want to' and spends all week visiting three diff houses(he doesn't have to study at BMs). This is a stupid situation and I have just told SO, 'fine you do it your way.' When I suggested he take full complete care of his son inc meals and washing he said whats the point in being a family if you are going to make him feel excluded? I can't win.
Ps forgot to say two weeks
Ps forgot to say two weeks ago SO agreed that things need to change and SS needs to start trying at school, sticking to routine etc, but then after his 'talk' with him, he said he had listened to SS point of view and things woud continue as they were as thats what SS wants.............
I guess he just doesn't see
I guess he just doesn't see that you not having a say in any rules this child has to follow is excluding you and undermining you as a parent and also creating tention. It's not fair that we have no say in how these skids are raised but have to deal with the consequences of them being raised wrong. The kid is 16, he can feed himself and do his own laundry, I would stick to your guns on that one.
Thank you I think I will. My
Thank you I think I will. My BS18 is now at Uni and totally independant, he was in the army cadets and washed, ironed and cooked from 12 yrs old as he enjoyed' fending' for himself. My BD13 and BS9 both can put the washing in for me, bring it in if it rains and BD13 has just started ironing for me for a bit of pocket money as I work full time. She is also a budding cook, I need to concentrate on these three, I'm wasting my energy on SS16. Your advice has been great Alice