Concerned about SD confusing my son as he gets older
We have very little contact with DH's daughter with his ex girlfriend from hell. At this point it's been about 3months since he saw her, which directly coincides with our son's birth. We don't want all the negativity from BM and her wack a doo family around the baby and SD (3) is a holy terror to begin with and the last thing I need is her taking a swing at the baby. Anyway BM isn't even allowed at our house or my IL's house bc she will steal anything not nailed down, so her mother occassionally gets in contact with my IL's who are bound and determined to still see SD regardless of all the tension it causes, DH doesn't like them staying in contact with BM's family at all, bc they tell her about us and our family and pretty much kiss her ass bc they are so glad that she from time to time brings over SD.
I have repeatedly asked MIL to stop calling and hassling DH about SD bc every time she does he blows up and is in a pissy mood, anytime ANYONE is discussing SD and the drama that surrounds her everyone involved ends up in a bad mood. It is such a mess. I just want to make sure that DS isn't confused by all this growing up. He will see her I'm sure at Xmas bc there is no doubt that BM will make sure SD gets dropped off at the IL's to collect her hoard of presents, I just don't know how to avoid making our son confused when he randomly sees her here and there, and how to make sure as he gets older that he isn't exposed to the negativity my MIL spews about her.
I think SD will be more
I think SD will be more confused as to why she is no longer seeing her dad now that he has another child.
I was thinking the same thing
I was thinking the same thing but I am confused just by the post. Why is he not seeing his dd anyway? What is stopping him?
He never saw her all that
He never saw her all that much. He tried to make it work with BM after she got pregnant and at the same time quit her job so she had no place to go, he moved her in and supported her and the baby till she was 8mths. At that point BM found another boyfriend, and up and walked out 9 days before Xmas. When he found out where she was and started contacting her to find out what was going on, she claimed he was harassing her and filed a restraining order, which is still valid for another yr. She violated her own RO constantly and would come over and hit him up for more money, and actually came over another time and stole money and dvd's, and stole RX meds from MIL. DH told her to never come over again after all that, and that's when it got really nasty. I had a m/c last yr and she lied and told everyone that I wasn't even pregnant and that I lied to 'trap him' (like she did). Her mother isn't much better, altho she acts like a holier than thou church lady, she won't speak to me bc she thinks that I somehow ruined BM's life even tho DH and I didn't get together until a yr after she broke up with him. Bc of all that mess he doesn't want to be exposed to them, and SD is violent and hits, kicks, etc so we don't want her around my son.
Yikes! Sounds like a bad
Yikes! Sounds like a bad situation from all angles. I bet your son will get it all figured out. He will probably just think of her like a cousin. I do feel a bit bad for SD though. She doesn't deserve the treatment she is getting from her mom. But I understand why your man wants to keep his distance.
Ok I can see why he hasn't
Ok I can see why he hasn't been seeing her with the RO on place. Is there a way he can see her at a neutral location or something? That girl needs him in her life and she needs a Councillor or something.
I agree here; Counseling
I agree here; Counseling seems like a good thing for her. If dh isn't in her life now......when he is.......it will be the fantastic guilty daddy syndrome for not being in her life before. Either way kids need parents.
^^I agree with this.^^
^^I agree with this.^^
Littlemommy,
I think DH could benefit from counseling too. I feel for that little girl. It honestly sounds like nobody wants her and everyone has given up on her, and she's only 3 years old. I understand you need to protect your son, so maybe DH could visit with her in a counselor's office and on other neutral territory such as a playground until her behavior improves?
I agree with this. I suppose
I agree with this. I suppose I am guilty of giving up on her myself. When I first got involved with DH she was 18 mths or so and at that age she was fine, hyper, but I chalked that up to normal toddler aged stuff. Altho even then she wasn't cuddly which I thought was a little strange, bc all my friends and relative's kids at that age are. I played with her and would do her nails, and then she started changing, Idk if she has a psychological disorder or what, seriously, I'm not being mean, but since BM has full custody would she be the one to have to take her for therapy? If IL's had her for a visit would they or DH be able to take her in? She will give you these blank stares that are so defiant for a toddler, and laugh at you for scolding, it is maddening and I know DH gets BEYOND frustrated. You seem really knowledgable do you have any suggestions as to what might be wrong with her?
Thank you for your
Thank you for your compliments
I think that if DH wants to get SD into counseling, he'd have to consult with BM. If she decides she doesn't agree with it, he should talk to his attorney to see what he can do to get court-ordered counseling for SD, and ask the attorney if there's any way he can ask his parents to help in getting her there, and get it in writing that they can take her there so if and when BM sees them there, she can't say they're not allowed to be there.
Also, if you or DH feel that there is negligence going on towards SD at BM's house, please call or email CPS and give them all of your documentation on this case. They're obligated to look into every claim they get. I know of cases where CPS has got involved and had a judge mandate that BM must attend counseling and parenting classes.
Speaking of parenting classes, maybe DH would consider getting some for himself to find constructive ways for dealing with SD when she acts out?
I hope everything works out for you all. I do not think you are a mean person. If you were a mean person I don't think you'd be here looking for ways to improve this situation. You seem like a nice person who's trying to do the right thing.
Thanks! I like to think I'm
Thanks! I like to think I'm not such a bad person either lol. I don't think that SD is mistreated by BM, I just think that she lets her run wild and doesn't really discipline or do anything consistent. So then when she's around other people who expect her to act civilized it's like a culture shock. In the past when I've seen them interact she treats her with love, but she for some reason thinks it's cute when she acts up and will laugh at her, which is probably why SD is the way she is.
People shouldn't have
People shouldn't have replacement kids.
Just because you have a son now doesn't mean his daughter magically falls off the planet. I would HOPE your ILs insist on seeing their grandchild and being a part of her life.
How would you feel if you and DH split and your son lost his grandparents?
I feel so sad for this little girl.
Our son is not a
Our son is not a 'replacement' he was very much wanted and that has nothing to do with SD. It was a whole new experience for DH and myself bc it was actually a functional, happy time instead of all the dysfunction that he dealt with with BM. My IL's already don't see my son a whole lot by their choice, they are consumed with this mess with SD and seem to overlook the grandchild they could see whenever they wanted too.
Being a replacement child has
Being a replacement child has nothing to do with whether or not he was wanted and/or planned.
If one kid comes along and the other gets booted out of dad's life, that's where the replacement part comes in.
Your DH has a THREE year old child. She's just a baby! And she deserves her father and his extended family EVERY BIT as much as your son does.
Yeah, so BM is crazy and makes life hard. Welcome to the club. But I doubt she just magically became that way, and you've known about her for awhile.
I'm glad to hear that at least SOMEONE from DH's family is focusing on the SD. Someone should, and if it isn't her father, then her grandparents are next in line.
As I stated before, it wasn't
As I stated before, it wasn't just when DS came along that DH stopped seeing her. He hasn't regularly seen her since she was 8mths. BM walked out on him with SD and managed to keep him from seeing her for almost 5mths. He missed her 1st Xmas, birthday, steps, etc and that obviously created a big rift from the beginning. So you're saying it's ok that his parents not pay as much attention to our son bc they don't think he does enough for SD? DH tried to bond with her for awhile after and forgive him, but it's a little hard to bond with a kid who when you try to hug or give her affection she twists and screams, and hits. We are just trying to do what is best for our son, and obviously I care or I wouldn't be posting. I think about this mess almost every day and I feel horrible that my DH deals with it.
The little girl is only
The little girl is only three. There's no reason to write her off at this point.
I get that BM has an RO on DH, but how does that keep him from seeing his daughter?? Does she have an RO against him for the daughter, too??
The grandparents should love/spend time with their grandchildren equally. Your son doesn't deserve less because SD gets more.
Which child gets more of daddy's attention? DS or SD? Easy enough to answer. It may just be the universe's way of trying to even things out...
She when she filed the RO she
She when she filed the RO she included SD in the order, the judge granted it against them both, since she was a minor in her primary care. By your argument of the 'universe evening things out' you are saying that it's unfair to treat SD the way you think DH is treating her, but then saying at the same time that it's ok for the grandparents to play favorites. The stmt contradicts.
I did not say it was ok for
I did not say it was ok for the grandparents to play favorites.
Please re-read what I wrote. I specifically said they should treat their grandchildren equally.
'Which child gets more of
'Which child gets more of daddy's attention? DS or SD? Easy enough to answer. It may just be the universe's way of trying to even things out...'
Yeah you said they should, but then you finished with the above stmt, you don't come right out and say it but you implied it as strongly as you could, that since SD doesn't get the attention from DH that IL's are more than right to give more to her than our son. So that the "universe evens out"
Oi it is very unfair to say
Oi it is very unfair to say he 'replaced' his dd with his son. I do not think that is what is was/is doing. I think he was only trying to keep the son safe as he is a newborn at that time. For sm to come here looking for help and being very open minded says a lot about her and wanting to have sd in their lives. Not all people that are not seeing their kids all the time are bad people!
The op is here to get advice and help to help her sd and her dh to be a family. So how is that replacing sd with a replacement?? I am not seeing and never will so don't try to convince me or her b/c it is wrong.
Op as I said before your dh and sd need to see each other in a neutral location b/c of the RO and get in counselling. Don't listen to Oi either b/d i do not believe tht your dh 'replaced' sd with your child b/c if that was the case then there are a LOT of men on here that have had kids with their now wife and don't see their other kids for various reasons. Which has nothing to do with having another child.
In your case he isn;t seeing sd b/c he has a RO ON HIM FROM BM! Hello!
Thanks so much and thanks for
Thanks so much and thanks for not just thinking DH is a deadbeat loser, he really is a good guy and he is a great dad and I am glad that you can see that too
I do not believe that your dh
I do not believe that your dh replaced his dd with your son. I think he is as a loss on how to handle the whole thing which is why you are here to help!
Look up Reactive Attachment
Look up Reactive Attachment Disorder and see if it fits
So your SO cannot see sd
So your SO cannot see sd because BM included sd in her restraining order? Cant see how anyone can have a go at you and SO for not caring if you have a super obstructive BM AND are prohibited by law from access.
Its also difficult trying to get an unreasonable BM to comply with any caring suggestion e.g. counselling for sd. Sounds like your sd is relatively normal except her mother encourages her toddler tantruming behaviour, so sd thinks its normal and acceptable to act out. Plus sounds like she may not being stimulated enough in order to properly engage with people.
Poor child, its always sad when you hear these stories - mostly for the child because they are the innocents who are treated like possessions and have all sorts of problems as a result
I think the replaced comment was out of line too, neither do I think its acceptable for your DS to be overlooked by your in laws just because he was fortunate to have a *normal* mother. This means he is losing out on things too, meaning both children actually are.
Is SO inclined to pursue access of sd? Or at least so he can have some say in her well being? One step at a time.
I do feel bad for little SD
I do feel bad for little SD poor thing, but this is a special situation w/ the RO and everything, just do the best you can lilmommy. I don't understand why people are beating you up over this. Also, your son will figure it out, don't worry. When mine were little psuedo step CTBB was in and out of our house and they just took it in stride. We would explain why he was there in terms they could understand. They adore him, he was actually very good to our BKs He's even the middle one's godfather. So who knows, maybe things will all work out in the end.