Advice for dealing with the ex-wife
I'm a new poster here, just looking for advice on how to deal with my husband's ex-wife. He and I have been together for 3 years, married just over two months now. Our relationship is great, but I am realizing that when we do have an argument or I am frustrated with him, 80% of the time it is because of something his ex-wife has done. She is one of those who feels the need to call him 2-3 times a day to discuss their child (I cannot for the life of me imagine how she is able to consistently come up with 15-20 minutes of crap each day to call my husband about; she just seems to think the world will end if my husband does not hear from her frequently throughout the day about his 14 year old son) and I just get SO AGGRAVATED by all these calls! WHY are they necessary? WHY, after three years, has she not gotten a life and found something better to do with her time than call my husband?
There's no other "real" problems- she's not crazy, doesn't poison my stepchild against me or his father, nothing like that. So, in a way, I almost feel like I shouldn't complain and that it could be worse. I am just having a hard time dealing with her acting like she needs to be such a "presence" in my husband's life. I'm just looking for advice from other "new wives"- how did or do you deal with being annoyed by the ex-wife? Unfortunately, there's not much I can do to control how often she calls, so it's pretty much up to me to just find a way to be okay with it. I just hope she one day gets a boyfriend and/or remarries and then maybe she'll have something to occupy her time and won't feel the need to talk to my husband so often. I find myself getting so angry every time I see she has called YET AGAIN; I wish the calls were more like once every two to three days, not 2-3 times each day! She acts as though my husband is still her husband in the sense that if something happens, she does not hesitate to get on the phone and blab about it, and vice versa- if she finds out from my stepchild about something we have done, i.e. buying a new car, she calls my husband and thinks she should be filled in! Divorced does not mean "married but living in different houses"; why can't she just get a life and move on the way my husband has?
Any advice would be great.
Have you discussed with your
Have you discussed with your DH how much this bothers you? Maybe it is all in how he sets boundaries with his ex.
In our case, BM was/is crazy, vindictive etc, etc. So he had put in a No Contact order in the visitation order so she can only (legally) contact him in case of an emergency with teh skids. Otherwise, it is by text or email only.
In your case, you have to be careful because, as much as it bothers you, it seems to be working for them. Does your DH get flattered by the attention? The problem is, even though she seems very "sane" now, you disrupting their situation may cause her to "up the ante," so to speak.
That's why I would say for you to have a serious discussion with your DH about how you feel second-rate (or whatever) by how much she needs to contact him all the time and leave it up to him to decide how to bring it up to BM.
Thanks for your advice. For
Thanks for your advice. For the reasons you stated, I am hesitant to bring it up to him. Yes, it bothers me, but the whole reason he answers the calls is because he doesn't want to rock the boat when it works for them, as you said. It's not about being flattered by the attention, it's just that if she calls, he's not going to snub her and risk causing an issue that doesn't have to come up if he just takes the calls. Ideally, she'd reduce the frequency of the calls on her own, because I don't think DH would tell her "Stop calling so much" at the risk of pissing her off. So, it's really just something I have to learn to not be bothered by.
Too bad he can't figure out a
Too bad he can't figure out a way to have her email instead. That way, if she DOES decide to go bat-shit crazy on you someday (hopefully NOT!), it will all be in writing.
He CAN let it go to voicemail and only reply if it is something that needs an immediate response. OR text her back instead of calling.
My guess is she is doing it either to continue to be a bigger part of his life than she needs to be and/or annoy you.
Sigh, I agree. I don't see
Sigh, I agree.
I don't see her going batshit. Frankly, she's too lazy, and knows my DH wouldn't indulge it. He has tried letting the calls go before; she will then immediately text "Call me, I have a question" and when he calls it is, to use a true example, "Can I give DS an Excedrin for his headache?" READ THE DAMN BOTTLE, LADY! BTW my husband is not a doctor, so I have no idea why his opinion was necessary for this extremely commonplace occurrence. It's just shit like that that drives me crazy.
Then I would chalk this up
Then I would chalk this up under husband-training needed. He does NOT need to immediately contact her back for anything. If it is THAT important, she will SAY what she needs.
DOES SHE HAVE INTERNET? TELL THE BITCH TO USE GOOGLE!! (j/k but I understand how frustrating this could be for a new wife)
HE needs to get through HIS head that he is NOT married to HER...he is married to YOU. He needs to quit catering to HER by always answering her calls/texts.
(By the way, the next thing she will try if he DOES quit answering her calls, is to have the kid call. It is a common "control" thing with these exes)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just for fun, I will tell you our early situation (before marriage and before No Contact order). And note that she had already proven herself as crazy, so I didn't feel the need to NOT "rock the boat" in this case.
My DH had warned me that the mother of his kids was crazy. I figured that she would get over it and also wanted to see for myself since there are always two sides to every story. Well, she showed me HER craziness when she would come out on her front lawn SCREAMING at us when we would come to get the skids for visitation. The poor skids were traumatized and would sit in the back seat, wide-eyed, not saying a WORD for an hour after those little episodes!
Anyway, Psycho Bitch (PB) figured out quickly that if she wanted to get ahold of DH, she would call my place. This was because DH couldn't afford to have a phone at HIS place (due to massive CS) AND he was spending so much time at my place anyway.
I had caller ID so it didn't really matter to me. I'd just say, "It's PB calling for you again!" Then I would go into another room so they could have their privacy. Unfortunately, there WAS no privacy as I could hear her SCREAMING at him even though I was in the other room.
After a few of these, I told DH that if she tried that again, *I* was going to have a talking with her. He laughed and thought that was great.
So, she called again. Same thing, screaming her head off. He didn't say anything, just handed the phone to me.
I said, "Hello?"
PB: (huffing) "Let me talk with DH!"
Me: "I will ALLOW you to talk with DH, once you learn how to TALK to him and not SCREAM at him!"
PB: (massive freakout including calling me every curse word in the book, screaming and hanging up on me)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We have been married for 10 years, together for 12 and this is only one of a handful of times I have ever had any kind of interaction with PB. And no, she never got any better. Even when she got pregnant and (finally) married last year. ::sigh::
Has this been going on since
Has this been going on since before you got married? If so, and if you did bring it up to your husband, why did you still get married to him if he is not putting his foot down on his son's mother's calls? I don't think that it will change by itself unless anything is discussed in a civil matter. I can imagine how annoying it can be. Does it make you jealous though?
We can't control anybody, not even our significant others (although others may disagree). You chose to be in a relationship with someone who lets this happen. Your issue seems like something that should have been resolved or compromised before you married the man. But it's not too late to change, I'm sure there's a better way of saying "stop calling so much".
DH and I have been married
DH and I have been married for 5 yrs and together for 8. When we first got together, BM was completely a PB and moved the kids out of the city, etc. Once we had our first child 5 yrs ago, she moved back and tried to act civilized so her kids wouldn't be forgotten about. Now they are over communicating in my eyes. She texts about the smallest thing. DH and I are currenlty arguing about this now.l I feel that he needs to set boundaries. She even asks him questions concerning our household which I fell is off limits. Their conversation should surround Only the kids. Now, I am goign to have to check this situation before it gets out of hand.
Wot annoys me about the BM
Wot annoys me about the BM continuing her calls and demands to my DH is that:
she has no right to call my husband,
she has no right to speak with my husband in that tone
She has no right to make my husband feel bad
she does these things to annoy him and cause issues in our relationship
but While he is talking to her....he is not spending time with me or us....
I told my Dh not to speak with her again....as she just demands he do things for her...which in turn impacts us....