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11 year old Step son with ADD issues and BF (my husband) is in denial

jennyflower143's picture

Ok, here goes. I need some serious advice. I just got married in August and my husband has an 11 year old son and I have two daughters, 14 and 6. My stepsons BM is a drug addict and alcoholic and left him 5 years ago and my husband has custody of him. In the past my SS was diagnosed with ADD and put on meds which made him comotose and so my husband took him off and swore never to have him on them again. I used to really love my stepson when my husband and I were dating and feel bad that he has this obvious problem and his dad (my husband) has too much pride to admit it and get him help. Now is a different story as since we have been living together he is constantly doing mean vendictive things behind his dad's back and being mean to my girls. When I have nicely brought it up in the past, my husband gets upset and says we are picking on him and that his son will never live up to my standards. I am very careful to treat everyone fairly, but my oldest wants to live with her dad as she can't take it anymore...and quite frankly either can I.
My stepson does not do well in comprehension, math or social skills. He doesn't have friends at school because he acts better then them (like says he is the best kicker and pute eveyone down. Then he goes to play and looks like a fool and because he was rude to them, they don't play with him.) He is in the 6th grade and still makes fart noises in school, spills water on kids because it is funny, and his dad says it is just a boy being a boy. His teacher is having problems with him too.
The hard part? My girls get all As and he doesn't, they were brought up in a proper home and so they act appropriate. So it looks like i pick on him.
I was homeschooling my SS last year and he was so bad he used to make me cry and his dad did not believe me on his behavior until I videotaped him. Then he was shoked and believed me. I have trid to lovingly talk to my husband but he has so much pride he doesn't want to see the love of my message, but sees it as me complaining. I am seriously starting to hate my stepson, and I am upset with myself for feeling this way. It seriously is not in my nature to have this kind of attititude towards anyone and I don't want to feel this way. I feel trapped in a marriage and feel bad for my girls who used to be happy and now are sad. I fell like I failed them and myself. I am a sincere christian so I will not divorce....I just need help... He doesn't think counseling is necessary... I can't even function at work I am so distraut.... Can anyone relate or help or tell me how they got thru something like this?

Auteur's picture

I wholeheartedly agree! Drugs came about for three reasons:

1. The Government decided that all discipline and training was "abuse."

2. It's easier to put the kid on meds than to truly parent (proper diet, rest, structure, discipline). . .sorry but women are espeically prone to do this namely "single moms" who would rather befriend their child than be the actual parent. The rise in "single moms" hoping that Junior will act "more like a girl" (nowadays that's not so great either) and without the "disciplinarian" role of the father has led to this mass sedation of (mostly) boys.

3. The pharmaceutical companies and doctors are making a killing off of it.

Until someone convinces me that an occasional "attention getter" swat on the rump is dangerous and psychologically harmful while psychosis inducing, health destroying drugs are not, I think most of "just prescribe ADHD meds" is a bunch of hooey.

SS needs all of the above; proper diet, rest, structure and discipline. NO coddling, NO excuses, no "soft bigatry of lowered expectations"

Your SS sounds like a clone of GG's kids (biodad I live with). SD13 is actually BRAGGING on FB about her "pritty good" grades (all 15 points BELOW failing in all core subjects but fair marks in chorus and gym). :jawdrop:

All PHYSICALLY the size of a child much older, yet mentally, emotionally, scholastically at least 4 years behind.

jennyflower143's picture

Thank you. But what if he is in denial that his son even has a problem? It is obvious to everyone else but him. His teacher says she does not have the experience to diagnose, but says there is a problem, even his grandmother (my husband's mom) says he is problematic. My husband isn't talking to his brother because his brother used to live with him and his son and they fought constantly about it and now don't talk....
In a way I feel bad for my SS as he obviously needs help, but I am starting to get mad at him as he constantly lies and is disrespectful and vendictive to me and my girls behind his dad's back and then acts sweet as pie around his dad, even saying, "yes ma'm" to me infront of me. Everytime I nicely (and yes I walk around egg shells with my husband as I am scared of an arguement) tell him he just turns the attention on my girls and blames them and doesn't address his son's behavior. Again, thanks for the advice. I am so glad I found this forum. I feel like I can't talk to anyone, as if I tell my family, I will hear, "I told you so" or they will form an opinion that will last a lifetime.

jennyflower143's picture

There isn't an IEP at the school. We send them to a private chrisitian school. He gets in trouble at school, church, at camp...you name it...

JustAnotherSM's picture

My DS5 does not have an IEP at school and he hasn't been diagnosed as ADD/ADHD by a doctor, but he does have behavior issues and I agree with the other posters above that changes in diet and home life can make a big difference. Here are some of the things that have worked well for my son:

Diet - We have made a lot of changes in the past 6 months to find a diet that works well for him. He currently is wheat/gluten free, dairy free, nut free, soy free, and preservative free. My son cannot process these foods and they act like a drug in his system causing him to act uncontrollably (loud, violent, incoherent, etc.) It sounds almost impossible, but we have found lots of alternative foods and DS is doing so much better now.

Home Life - Positive reinforcement (as opposed to consequences for negative behavior) has also made a difference in DS's behavior. He can earn stickers when he does his morning or evening routines without being reminded. He gets extra praise for making good choices on his own. It's difficult because my DS3 is a great listener and does everything he is asked, so I definitely have to treat my boys differently.

School - Even though we don't have an IEP, we have talked to the teacher to explain some of our challenges with my son so that we can all be on the same page as far as enforcing rules and rewarding good behavior. We have open communication with the teacher via email which provides consistency between home and school.

I won't lie, it is hard to manage all of this but it is doable.

jennyflower143's picture

By the way, I did the sticker program and had a cute chart up, but my girls always did their rewards and he didn't....even if I reminded him that he could do some things and earn a reward. He didn't care about it, and when the girls got their rewards, my stepson would get jealous and get angry and my husband (even though we created it together) thought it was sided more for my girls to accomplish things and not his son. When we play the Wii as a family and my stepson talks smack and says he will beat us all and doesn't, he gets upset when he loses, says he doesn't want to play anymore and my husband stops playing to. His son can do no wrong.

jojo68's picture

I completely feel for you...I certainly am no Dr. but SD11 is not a normal child...DH thinks she is one hundred completely normal and just a brat. True but this child is not normal in the basic sense . SHe shows many signs of aspergers syndrome. I have done a lot of research on this when I was in college writing a paper. He would absolutely freak out if there was even a mention that something was wrong with perfect daughter of his...who sits and swings her head in constant motion...makes the same noise repetively for 30 minutes at a time...isn't able to carry on a normal conversation...completely out of touch with reality..extremely immature, clingy and terrified of being alone. These things are more pronounced because she is so spoiled. She makes pretty average grades in school is so smart at manipulating though it is absolutely scary!

dledden's picture

jojo68 and all....I love that you mentioned the autism spectrum.....and 'smart at manipulating'..when i met fiancee, ss8 was going on 5. he has autism, and it was profoundly obvious to me from the first time I met him. DAD had no idea until we put him in kindergarten and I insisted on his being screened and tested. Shortly after that i went with dad and ss8 to the pediatrician appt, and i asked her WHY she had never made this diagnosis in the past. She pulled out her medical charts after looking at me like i was insane, turned to the very front of the file, when ss8 was THREE YEARS OLD...and showed me her written diagnosis of AUTISM right in the chart, and the fact that she'd given dad referrals for pt, ot, and speech therapy. Do you know what dad did? NOTHING.......No offense to any of the men on this site, but MEN choose to not see what they don't wanna see.............now, here i am marrying him and ss is 8 now and is functionally at the ability level of a 4 year old! These kinds of problems dont' just go away, they need to be treated!!!!

To the poster: your husband's denial is only going to make things worse for YOU and for the kid. His behaviors are extremely immature and inappropriate for a 6th grader (i'm a middle school/high school teacher). He needs a full psychological evaluation, and you can request that the school do that. Get dad on board with you or the hell you are living in now is only gonna get worse!

Good luck!!!

jennyflower143's picture

Thank you again for your comments and concern. I just want a happy family. I can't stand seeing us living like two different families in one household. And I don't want to resent my stepson anymore. I have analyzed what I say and do to be sure I am not going overboard, being too sensitive, or taking sides with my girls.. I am the fairest person out there who always likes to find the best in everyone and this is sooo out of my relm to think my husband will never change and his son is a vendictive brat.... I don't want to have these feelings, but I do. Everytime I see my stepson's face I get so irritated.

B22S22's picture

My son is on meds. I beg to differ that it's the "lazy" way out. I worked on things WITHOUT medication for three years - diet, behavior mod, school plans, etc all to no avail. When he was tested, he was off the charts with impulse control and off the charts in certain areas of IQ (math) but way below average in reading and comprehension. Because of his impulsivity, he had trouble with self-esteem, making/keeping friends, all around social behavior was lacking.

The neuropsychiatrist who did his testing explained it as this: a constant "firing" in his brain synapses to react to stimuli even when he shouldn't, knows he shouldn't, and knows there's consequences if he does.

After much agonizing and threats from his biofather's family to sue for custody if I did initiate medication, I put him on meds but at an extremely low dose. We have had to adjust doses as he's grown but he's still on a much lower dose than "suggested". I can honestly say he is a completely different child.

I think we all need to acknowledge that we have different issues and no one single thing works for everyone.

And for the OP -- if your child was "comatose" on the meds, typically that means he was over medicated to begin with.

I don't feel badly for my decision. Looking back, I'm guessing that if they had the "ADD" label 35-40 years ago, I would have been the poster child. So I understand what my son has gone thru, and the struggles he may (or may not, since sometimes symptoms improve once they get into late teens) face in the future.

But the first step, regardless of the route you choose to take, is acknowledgeing there is an issue at hand. As an adult I can tell you the shame and frustration I felt growing up being the chatty cathy, can't sit still, always has to be moving around, disrupts others, loses focus, etc.... and the hurt in my heart I felt (and still feel) knowing that my son is struggling with the same thing. And I know he's feeling it too.

jojo68's picture

LIKE

BabyDoll's picture

My SS is on now meds too for the same reasons as B22S22's son is. Prior to being in my custody, my youngest SS had been given medicine for his ADD that was just too strong for his system and acted like a zombie for some time. When my DH and I married, I was given responsiblity by DH for managing all the school/doctor stuff for the 2 SS. (Note: I had custody of my now adult BD who is off at college now and my DH has custody of his 2 BS for reasons I don't want to go into.) When I enrolled my new SSs in school, I noticed that my youngest SS had an IEP and had been diagnosed for ADD. He displayed much of the same behaviors as B22S22's son. After investigating my SS family's health history (both sides of family has history of lots of ADD/ADHD) and conducting my own research on this topic, I finally sought out the help and advice of our family doctor whom I trust. I found that when given the right (correct type and dose) medicine coupled with the right support system (strong family unit, good doctor, good therapist) and proper environment (structured/stable home, proper food, and healthy amount of exercise), my youngest SS began to flourish. Today, he is able to control his compulsive behavior much better and is doing so much better in school - has better grades, has nice friends, participates in school activities. He is now a Senior in HS and it was my priviledge to have the opportunity to watch him blossom.

jennyflower143's picture

Thank you for your advice. I have done research to at least confirm my thoughts on him having ADHD and even looked up ways to do things (diet, activity, making things fun) to help him. I think I may have to disengage with him. I think it is at that point. My husband has already told the kids that they are not allowed to talk to or play with each other, and it has been hard to live at home the past couple of days. I am going to have to put my feet down, in a firm, but nice way...the catch...my family will be visiting from out of town next week and I don't want to have them feel uncomfortable while they are staying with us. Now I just need to know how to help my girls as they feel like they are treated unfairly and feel very unloved. My 14 year old daughter bought my flowers the other night, because she knows how upset I have been and my 6 year old (who is usually clueless and happy all the time) is starting to cry for silly reasons (she couldn't find her gloves this morning and cried).

DeeDeeTX's picture

My sis was ADD and my parents refused to medicate her. instead they embarked upon a long program of correction for her behavior. And guess what? It worked. But....the toll on the rest of the family was horrible. One person in the family was sucking up 95 percent of my parent's time and attention. I don't want to get too much into it, but having lived through it , I would be hesitant to say behavior modification is responsible and medication lazy.....

B22S22's picture

^^^LIKE^^^
That's exactly what happened to me.... yup, I was a single mom. Yup, I had one child off the chain and the other child was straight as an arrow. No, that wasn't the deciding factor in utilizing the option for medication. But as stated in my previous post - I probably could have been considered ADD (and still sometimes) and know the heartache I went thru. I know how much time and effort it took to focus on one child for the three years I attempted to change things around without the assistance of medication.

There was one of me, two of them. No biodad in the picture. Grandparents that thought letting my son do whatever he wanted to was "the best medicine."

I have to wonder if my daughter felt or feels resentment towards the amount of time I spent with her brother. And I wonder if she'll remind me of it someday when I'm old and cranky.

ctnmom's picture

Were you a widow? You say you don't believe in divorce. You're going to lose your daughters for a man? Boy, I wouldn't.

jennyflower143's picture

I believe in divorce for one reason only infidelity. I am a bible believing woman, and that is the only reason divorce is allowed. My exhusband had 18 different woman he cheated on my with until I finally divorced him. I was always hoping he would change. I think I am going to see a therapist with my girls and try to see what they think we should do. Even if my husband isn't going to go.

ctnmom's picture

Sorry if I sounded harsh. I'm Catholic- annulment grounds are cheating, beating ,or addiction.(unless you're a Kennedy LOL)Butttt....Leviticus, "and the woman shall concieve and bear a child", being a mother is a gift from God, a calling, there's certainly not anything in the bible about forsaking your children for a man, even if it's thier own father.

jennyflower143's picture

You didn't sound harsh. I understand your feeling and know it wasn't meant to be that way. Thanks.

jennyflower143's picture

I am thankful to you all. I am a lot more calm then this morning. I wish you all the best with your family situations. It is tough to blend a family, but I do believe in time, it is possible to be a strong unit....I just need guidance and support to do it. Thank you all.

Delilah's picture

Hello Jenny - I cannot tell you what a diservice your DH is doing to your ss by ignoring this issue. I too suffered with the same condition as a child, and it was hard having to deal with the consequences of my behaviour at times (like being shunned by my peers). As these conditions were only just being understood by medical professionals at the time and my parents had 7 years of my behaviour - unaided by anyone until my Great Aunt recognised the symptoms from some articles from her employer (a family Doctor) and so I began to control my behaviour with diet primarily.

My parents, however, NEVER permitted me to get away with things when I misbehaved. They tried to understand and were supportive, so were more patient, but that doesnt make being rude, distructive, ignorant, abusive and nasty ok. In fact I can honestly say some of things, I didnt do because I was allowed to and I know there would be punishment if I tried it!

You are in a difficult situation because your DH is the one who must be the lead in managing your ss's condition, that includes not being in denial, managing his diet(strictly), his routine, his attitude and behaviour (if that means looking into medicating at low levels to see if that helps - although personally think the other routes should be attempted first). Even though you want to help, its not wanted and actually your DH seems intent on directing the energy he should be plowing into resolving ss's situation and helping his condition into blaming you.

You yourself say ss can do no wrong. Then why bloody try? You have tried and its not working, instead your own children's happiness is deteriorating and your DH is bullying them and you - because hes miserable and doesnt know what to do. Hes refusing to let you help and doesnt want to help himself either, the only one who can fix this right now is DH. I would be all sympathetic out. Time to completely disengage and refuse to do anything for or with ss - explain it all nicely and dont let yourself be guilted one bit. You are done. SS wants something? Sorry, cant help go ask dad. DH needs you to look after ss (either expected or asked)? Sorry, I am not looking after a child who disrespects me or who I zero authority over. DH accuses you of disliking ss? Nope, dislike his behaviour yes, MORE importantly dislike DH's way of treating everyone HELL YES. I would make it clear the blame lies with DH, not ss, so that completely cancels out DH's attempt to hurt you by accusing you of hating ss. DH wants you to do family things? Nope see above. Do ss's laundry/cook? Nope, so above.

I also would NOT allow DH to discipline my children or even blame them anymore. He doesnt want them associating with ss? (I think thats disgusting tbh) Then they arent to, and better for them actually because that means less chance for ss to pick on them or for them to placed in a situation where DH wrongly blames them for something! Spend that time and energy you would be using to do things with/for ss, arguing with DH over things with your daughters and making them happy. Go out, do things together (if that means DH and ss are excluded, then thats a consequence of your DH's decisions - after all it takes TWO people to work on a relationship). Your DH has stamped all over your marriage vows and you cannot expect to be the one to make the effort while DH throws it back in your face. Dont engage in any discussions/arguments with DH over your decisions either - he will try to get you to bite and engage in this in order to gain back control over you, just walk away and let him carry on. The less access you give him to hurt you, the more empowered you will feel and less unhappy your kids will. You need DH to SHOW you change before you re-engage, if at all.

Hopefully your DH will realise his errors and wake up and do something, but if not I am sure you will find your answers of what to do in time by giving yourself the space, reduction in stress to find them Smile Good luck.

jennyflower143's picture

Thank you. I feel the same way about my SS not getting treatment. I have heard many say they really wanted to change and couldn't until they got the treatment they needed. They felt so relieved to have help with their ADD. My husband acts like he loves his son so much, and I told him that if he loved him like he says he does (since he puts my feelings aside to "protect" him) then he would get him the help he needs as he is suffering. I even went to say that I loved his son so much that I was willing to speak up to him (my husband) even though it would cause a fight because I worry about him. That was in the begining...and sadly, I am starting to resent my stepson. I used to have family pictures up at work, but even looking at his smirk (not smiles) in our pictures irritates me. I am soo sad and disappointed that I have come to this point. I am not a hateful person and put up with alot...I just can't do it anymore.
I took my girls out to the mall yesterday (just us) and explained to them truthfully what was happening, and even tho their step brother is mean, he can't always help what he does, and until his dad realizes it, he won't change. I don't know if that is bad or good, but that is what I did.
Can I ask what DH means? I took DH as (Divorced Husband) Is that right? All these acronyms can be confusing for a first timer like me.
Thanks again for the support. I also called a counselor and plan on going to get help from them with my girls. I will tell my husband he is welcome to come if he wants, but I don't know if he will go.

jennyflower143's picture

Good news...at least I hope it turns out to be...I booked an appt for the 10th of January and my DH has agreed that ALL of us will go! Please pray it helps us.
Thanks again for the advice and encouragment.

ctnmom's picture

That's wonderful!Congradulations! Things are looking up. Smile

Lokin72783's picture

Some not aLL , but a lot ok kids do need medication I have tried EVERYTHING The right foods drinks I did this diet thing for a whole year. Worse!
I put my daughter on a non stimulant ADHD medication and she's pulled grades from F C's and B's To STRAIGHT A's went from Red everyday to green her test scores were higher than any in her class ! And I didn't change anything except she took one pill in the A.M. !