Do you think they can sense it? Kids can sense when they're not liked, even if you act nice to them. They have excellent bs detectors when it comes to that stuff.
My SS18 has no idea that I don't really care for him - in fact once I brought up that I love him as much as my DD and he said "Mom I know you do" - guess I should win an academy award. I feel as long as you take care of your skids the best that you can and stop feeling so damn guilty that you don't love them it should be enough. I felt guilty when I was new to this stepparent thing because I am adopted and my parents loved me - but then my sister pointed out that my parents wanted me and there was no other parents in the mix and that makes all the difference.
I think a lot of us can't stand our spouse's ex - the other bio parent and so in turn our feelings for the skids is not good - but then again there are some really nasty skids that posters on here have to deal with day in and day out - lucky for me after the first 3 years that were full time right after we got married - SS moved 700 miles away to live with his mother so I have it better than most - we see him 4 weeks of the year. We always offer to take him more in the Summer but he likes to hang out with his friends which I don't blame him - I wish it was because the lazy kid had a job but his mother enables him wonder what she is going to do when the CS end in 6 months and she finally has to reach into her own checking account to pay for all of the stuff she does now because DH CS covers it - should be a very interesting time in their household come July!!!!
I'll also add that I also think that insteadof resenting the skids, the SMs should resent the bioparents for not doing anything to correct the skids bad behavior.
Agreed, but as we all know that's the one ship that won't sail. If you get on the bioparent about being overly lenient, etc, he spins and projects into "you don't like my kid" so therefore, it's pretty much a lost cause. There's no way you're going to bang into the thick skull of guilty daddy or BFF BM that disciplining a child is the equivalent of LOVING that same child. They associate any type of structure/boundaries/discipline with cruelty/abuse/hatred for the child.
This is as good a summary of my situation as I've ever read. Discipline/Boundries/Structure = Abuse/Cruelty/Hatred for "friend" parents. At least I know that I'm not the only one.
I think they do sense it. Unless they are just oblivious to everything. Sometimes I will hear my DH tell SD13 to ask me for something or to get something from our room when I am in it and I can actually SEE her shadow standing in the hall outside the door hesitating to come in.
It's a shame because things were good before we were married (they lived with us for over a year before the wedding) and it was like a switch was flipped after the wedding and SD13 developed split personalities of SD3 and SD23. And while before she was just annoying to me, now I can't stand to be around her for the most part.
Honestly...if you have tryed to be civil and gave the best of yourself and they STILL treat you like crap and feel you need to still pucker up and kiss butt...it don't matter if they know or not.
I get this feelng that when we are good to Sk and we try they do take advantage of it, its almost like they feel a sense of control because of your kindness, and sense of entitlement..like you better make yourself worthy for their likeness, the nicie nicie crap goes right out the window, Really...do they think we enjoy having to be this way when were the adult?
I hate this fact.. I really do!
I have come to the conclusion...be respectful or just stay away, my bucket of chapstick has retired
Yes, my SD knows and she's gone on and on to her therapists about how she knows I hate her and she's heard me talking to her dad about how it would be better that she not live with us. SD uses it to paint me as a wicked stepmother to her therapists.
I have to lie and say it's not true and that of course I care about her and want her here. :sick:
Ya know..it gets me..because they don't think about THEIR part on WHY a SP feels this way, they see only tunnel vision and make it out to be the SP fault.
Nobody does not dislike anyone honestly without a given good reason, I am sure at one point when you first met her you was a open book and not bias at all.
I feel like the problems with kids today is they try to be the adult towards the SP because we are not BP.
My Sk absolutely have NO reasons to hate me but they do, I have been as good to them as to my own BS, after realizing their little pedestals they prompt themselfs up on with no respect or consideration towards me, and nasty behavior because they have mistaken my kindess for my weakness..I have shut myself down and will not let myself be used again or disrespected again.
Relationships are a two way street, If I have feelings or hurt or bitterness its not because I planted that in my own heart bymyself but because they did.
So, like you..I really don't care if they know how disgusted I am with them, after all I am not dealing with babys but some considered young adults and some almost young adults.
Exactly. No one calls out SD15 for calling me all sorts of nasty names and being as uncooperative as possible.
I'll admit, it was a difficult situation for everyone when she came to live with us full-time but she refused to make the best of it and instead made everything as miserable as possible for everyone involved. She was a brat and refused to be appreciative of us at least taking her in and letting her have a place to live.
At least she had a place to sleep and food. She was sleeping on the sofa, but that's more than some kids have. It wasn't the best of circumstances, but that's all we had. She is an entitled brat and I refused to bend over backwards to accommodate her.
All of our lives were up-ended when she had to come live with us very suddenly and we never got as much as a thank you for anything. All we got was complaints about what she didn't have and what we weren't giving her and that we weren't moving to a bigger house so she could have her own room.
She didn't care at all how much her arrival had disrupted my life or my son's live. No, all she cared about was how she wasn't able to see her brother & sister and how much she hated everything and being forced to move and live with us. Well, I'll tell you - I hated the fact that she had to live with me just as much as she hated having to live with me.
I think that, when it comes to kids under 18, especially the younger ones, it's a complicated issue for me. In retrospect, I think hating my SDs initially made them act out even more, because the person I really should have been hating was DH. There's not a lot the younger kids can do about these situations to make them better, especially if BM and DH won't parent them.
My SD17 is well aware of my ill feelings for her, just as I am well aware that she despises me. Thanks to my disengaging, we have reached an uncofortable sort of stalemate, where we simply don't acknowledge each other's existence any more. It could be worse. At least DW is happy, because she is not "in the middle" any more.
I'm pretty sure SD at the very most thinks that I just don't care for her. She probably doesn't realize how much I dislike her. She thinks she's so wonderful that she probably can't imagine that anyone really dislikes her and if they do, there is something wrong with them not her.
dunno, nobody around me seems
dunno, nobody around me seems to know that I don't like my skid, so i'm not sure he knows either??? Good question........
My SS18 has no idea that I
My SS18 has no idea that I don't really care for him - in fact once I brought up that I love him as much as my DD and he said "Mom I know you do" - guess I should win an academy award. I feel as long as you take care of your skids the best that you can and stop feeling so damn guilty that you don't love them it should be enough. I felt guilty when I was new to this stepparent thing because I am adopted and my parents loved me - but then my sister pointed out that my parents wanted me and there was no other parents in the mix and that makes all the difference.
I think a lot of us can't stand our spouse's ex - the other bio parent and so in turn our feelings for the skids is not good - but then again there are some really nasty skids that posters on here have to deal with day in and day out - lucky for me after the first 3 years that were full time right after we got married - SS moved 700 miles away to live with his mother so I have it better than most - we see him 4 weeks of the year. We always offer to take him more in the Summer but he likes to hang out with his friends which I don't blame him - I wish it was because the lazy kid had a job but his mother enables him wonder what she is going to do when the CS end in 6 months and she finally has to reach into her own checking account to pay for all of the stuff she does now because DH CS covers it - should be a very interesting time in their household come July!!!!
In addition, parents *should*
In addition, parents *should* have BS sensors for their own children and catch on to schemes and manipulation on the children's part.
The fact that these BS sensors in bioparents seem to be JAMMED nowadays leads to the "dislike" that stepmom has for the skids.
Unblock the natural BS sensor, eliminate the "guilt" of a guilty parent or a BFF parent and stepmom will soon enjoy the company of the skids.
Problem solved.
I agree with this. I'll also
I agree with this.
I'll also add that I also think that insteadof resenting the skids, the SMs should resent the bioparents for not doing anything to correct the skids bad behavior.
Agreed, but as we all know
Agreed, but as we all know that's the one ship that won't sail. If you get on the bioparent about being overly lenient, etc, he spins and projects into "you don't like my kid" so therefore, it's pretty much a lost cause. There's no way you're going to bang into the thick skull of guilty daddy or BFF BM that disciplining a child is the equivalent of LOVING that same child. They associate any type of structure/boundaries/discipline with cruelty/abuse/hatred for the child.
Most of us simply disengage.
This is as good a summary of
This is as good a summary of my situation as I've ever read. Discipline/Boundries/Structure = Abuse/Cruelty/Hatred for "friend" parents. At least I know that I'm not the only one.
I think they do sense it.
I think they do sense it. Unless they are just oblivious to everything. Sometimes I will hear my DH tell SD13 to ask me for something or to get something from our room when I am in it and I can actually SEE her shadow standing in the hall outside the door hesitating to come in.
It's a shame because things were good before we were married (they lived with us for over a year before the wedding) and it was like a switch was flipped after the wedding and SD13 developed split personalities of SD3 and SD23. And while before she was just annoying to me, now I can't stand to be around her for the most part.
If the Twit can't figure out
If the Twit can't figure out I don't like her, she's twittier than I thought.
Honestly...if you have tryed
Honestly...if you have tryed to be civil and gave the best of yourself and they STILL treat you like crap and feel you need to still pucker up and kiss butt...it don't matter if they know or not.
I get this feelng that when we are good to Sk and we try they do take advantage of it, its almost like they feel a sense of control because of your kindness, and sense of entitlement..like you better make yourself worthy for their likeness, the nicie nicie crap goes right out the window, Really...do they think we enjoy having to be this way when were the adult?
I hate this fact.. I really do!
I have come to the conclusion...be respectful or just stay away, my bucket of chapstick has retired
Yes, my SD knows and she's
Yes, my SD knows and she's gone on and on to her therapists about how she knows I hate her and she's heard me talking to her dad about how it would be better that she not live with us. SD uses it to paint me as a wicked stepmother to her therapists.
I have to lie and say it's not true and that of course I care about her and want her here. :sick:
RE: Frustrated_Mom Ya
RE: Frustrated_Mom
Ya know..it gets me..because they don't think about THEIR part on WHY a SP feels this way, they see only tunnel vision and make it out to be the SP fault.
Nobody does not dislike anyone honestly without a given good reason, I am sure at one point when you first met her you was a open book and not bias at all.
I feel like the problems with kids today is they try to be the adult towards the SP because we are not BP.
My Sk absolutely have NO reasons to hate me but they do, I have been as good to them as to my own BS, after realizing their little pedestals they prompt themselfs up on with no respect or consideration towards me, and nasty behavior because they have mistaken my kindess for my weakness..I have shut myself down and will not let myself be used again or disrespected again.
Relationships are a two way street, If I have feelings or hurt or bitterness its not because I planted that in my own heart bymyself but because they did.
So, like you..I really don't care if they know how disgusted I am with them, after all I am not dealing with babys but some considered young adults and some almost young adults.
Exactly. No one calls out
Exactly. No one calls out SD15 for calling me all sorts of nasty names and being as uncooperative as possible.
I'll admit, it was a difficult situation for everyone when she came to live with us full-time but she refused to make the best of it and instead made everything as miserable as possible for everyone involved. She was a brat and refused to be appreciative of us at least taking her in and letting her have a place to live.
At least she had a place to sleep and food. She was sleeping on the sofa, but that's more than some kids have. It wasn't the best of circumstances, but that's all we had. She is an entitled brat and I refused to bend over backwards to accommodate her.
All of our lives were up-ended when she had to come live with us very suddenly and we never got as much as a thank you for anything. All we got was complaints about what she didn't have and what we weren't giving her and that we weren't moving to a bigger house so she could have her own room.
She didn't care at all how much her arrival had disrupted my life or my son's live. No, all she cared about was how she wasn't able to see her brother & sister and how much she hated everything and being forced to move and live with us. Well, I'll tell you - I hated the fact that she had to live with me just as much as she hated having to live with me.
I think that, when it comes
I think that, when it comes to kids under 18, especially the younger ones, it's a complicated issue for me. In retrospect, I think hating my SDs initially made them act out even more, because the person I really should have been hating was DH. There's not a lot the younger kids can do about these situations to make them better, especially if BM and DH won't parent them.
My SD17 is well aware of my
My SD17 is well aware of my ill feelings for her, just as I am well aware that she despises me. Thanks to my disengaging, we have reached an uncofortable sort of stalemate, where we simply don't acknowledge each other's existence any more. It could be worse. At least DW is happy, because she is not "in the middle" any more.
GG saw one of my emails to a
GG saw one of my emails to a fellow STalker that was less than complimentary about:
1. the Behemoth
2. the Wookie (Behemoth's mother)
3. the skids who beer bong the PAS
And ever since then he's been downright hateful toward me. "You treated my kids like PIGS!"
No I didn't; they got way more "TREATS" than my own bios did. BUT. . .
if the shoe fits. . .
I'm pretty sure SD at the
I'm pretty sure SD at the very most thinks that I just don't care for her. She probably doesn't realize how much I dislike her. She thinks she's so wonderful that she probably can't imagine that anyone really dislikes her and if they do, there is something wrong with them not her.