What I'm gathering is that you don't like that the skids and your DH go to the cemetery more than once a year to visit former wife's grave. That the grandmother should take them if they want to go more and that he goes without giving you notice.

Am I right?

This is tough. I am a widow and I can tell you that my SO would not dare say a word to me about visiting my late husbands grave. I am very sensitive to SO's feelings though and I don't tell him if/when I go. That's private for me. We didn't have children though either, so I only go if I want to visit.

Can you explain why you want more than a days notice? I can tell you that sometimes your emotions get to you and you feel the need to just talk with your late spouse. Again, I don't do this in front of SO. He has no idea. However, I was just driving home one day and suddenly felt the need to go to the cemetery. Death is hard and you can't predict how it affects someone.

I think you are taking his visits personally. He doesn't love you less because he misses her or the kids miss her. Its different. I can't explain it, but its just different. I can also see why he feels he should be there with his kids. Sometimes conversations come up, questions, as the kids get older they develop new ways of seeing their moms death. I'm sure he wants to be there to help them through it.

I am sorry if I don't come off as very sympathetic to your situation. I understand that it must feel strange to have your DH still thinking about another woman. I just also really see his side because I have experienced it.

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. What exactly is it about this that bothers you? I actually think you have it worse than if you had married a divorced guy. You're competing with loving memories of a dead wife, who he would probably still be with had she not died. At least in a divorce, there is no longer love between the two (usually). Do you know what I mean? It's not coming out on the screen the way I'm thinking it in my head.

I think what you are asking for is just

Horrible!!!!

They should beable to go see their mother when ever they want.

It sounds to me by your reaction that you feel threatened by a woman
who is dead.

That woman was someones mother..and I think your DH should take
them when ever they want to go..

If that was you dead in the ground...I am sure that you would not be happy
if your kids visited you once a year...or if a stepmother reacted the way you
are reacting.

If BM has passed a few years ago and you've been married for 2 years - do you think that BD did a re-bound on you and you're a living substitute for BM? A couple of times a year for them to visit the grave isn't too much - I think it would be more for the kids than him. Maybe you will need to realise that this is something they need to go through and that it shouldn't affect you too much. Be empathtic to that situation and use the time away from them as 'me' time - God knows I'd love some 'me' time.
And I don't think what you're asking for is horrible...no one can ever really know you're journey unless they have tread it themselves.

Hopeless, I suggest you go to Abel Keogh's blog. The posters there are far more understanding of the issues related to widowers. Abel has also written an excellent book about dating a widower and is in the process of writing a book about marrying a widower. He's a widower himself who remarried less than a year after his pregnant wife died.

http://www.abelkeogh.com/blog/widower/widower-wednesday/no-going-back/

Love is such a powerful emotion. It can drive us to absolute extasy or raving mad.
Like I said before about your journey - only you can know yourself. Don't sell yourself short, you are a wonderful human being with limitless potential. You are important too. You are valuable too. If you don't find that in this marriage, then you alone will have to make the decision as to whether to continue or move on without him.

You are the master of your own destiny.

I think it's good that DH takes the girls to the cemetery on BM's birthday, holidays, etc. They need to know her birthday, and I think that remembering her and going there on all holidays can help them feel closer to her.

Are the girls getting help for dealing with their Mom's death? Your DH should look into getting them help from a counselor who has experience in helping kids who've lost their parents. I hope that can help all of you.

hopeless123
I was a widow. It took well over 2 years for the children and I to get on with our lives. Grieving is a process that takes time and is slower for some than others. How far is the cemetary? It should not take all day to visit unless there is some great distance to travel. If you already know they will most likely be going there on certain days then just plan to do something else yourself on that day.

Their grieving of a loss seems normal for this point in time. It does not make your marriage any less. During the years following my husband's death I and the children visited his grave often. As time went on it became less often.

I eventually moved away from the area. I have not been back in over 12 years. I then married someone who had lost his wife. He had no children with this woman but she was buried in a cemetary close to the area where we lived. I could not imagine being upset if he visited the cemetary. It was his way of confirming to himself and her that in her short time on this earth she did matter and make a difference. Is that not what all of us want . Recognition that we mattered.

Would it help your relationship with all of them if you in some small way supported them in their grieving process instead of separating yourself. If you are out with the children and you see a beautiful wreath prior to a holiday you could ask if they would like to pick it out for taking to their mother's grave. Make a beautiful bouquet of flowers with them to take to their mom.

My children and I would have found the little acts of kindness like this to be endearing. There is a difference in losing someone that was living in your family household and losing your uncle or cousin.
The people in your household are your entire life. The effect is so much more and it does take longer to completely move on.

In time everyone will move on. The need to visit will become minimal. How you react at this time can make a difference as to how DH and the children feel towards you. I felt resentment towards people that expressed their opinions of how I and the children should put it all behind us, move on. Easy to say when it was not their experience to deal with. Allow them to finish working through their residual grief. It sounds like they have moved forward a great deal from 2 years ago. Remember the process can seem slow to all the people who are not part of it.

No disrespect intended but I can understand wanting to give any child the opportunity to honor the woman who gave birth to them on Mother's day and their Mother's birthday especially one who has passed away. These are only 2 days out of 365, are something that come every year and can be marked on the calendar so they can be planned for in advance.

The one thing that I do not understand is why are you are staying in the relationship if you want children and he does not. This is no small issue. Most men do not understand and probably will never understand the pull a woman's biological clock has on her. The longer you stay in this relationship, the harder it will be for you to leave and the more likely it is that you will start to resent the skids. You need to do some soul searching so that you can decide what is important to YOU, what YOU need, and what makes YOU happy. This exercise is not selfish. You can't give happiness to others if you become bitter. If what is important to you is children and having children fulfills some deep need inside you, you need to consider moving on.

Hopless123

There is really nothing to be bothered about here, he takes his children to visit their mothers' grave, that is his place to do that, he is their father and these children need his support. You say your issue is that he does not give you a few days notice, then ask him for the dates or better still take note of them for yourself, ie: the anniversary of her death, her birthday, mother's day and any other special day, then you would know the dates a year in advance. If for whatever reason these kids want to go to the cemetery then who are you to stop them that is totally unfair.
I think that you have some serious issues that have nothing to do with his former wife or the children, but more to do with you feeling insecure in your marriage. You appear to be threatend by another woman, but in this case the other woman is dead, she is no threat to you, she cannot destroy your marriage or woo your husband away from you. However, if you keep up this attitude you will drive him away yourself by your jealousy of a dead woman.

You are clearly struggling with all this and as well as being a step parent which is so hard, you are also in what appears to be a very unhappy marriage. The first thing you need to sort out is the marriage, do you or do you not want to be in it. If you want to be in it, then you need to support these kids and your husband who also has to deal with the fact that he has two children who no longer have a mother and he must feel really sad for them. I don't know how far the cemetery is, but if it is close by and it took them an hour or so to go, and they went every week that should not bother you. As for the "Happy Birthday" singing the elder child did, perhaps she was trying to get to you, and why not, she would know you resent her visiting her mother's grave, so instead of allientating them over this, why not make it a celebration of their mother's life on her birthday, why not acknowledge it yourself, have a special tea, or get your husband to take all of you out for "mom"s birthday, acknowledging this woman is part of their lives and always will be is your first step here, then accepting that fact, which will be easier to accept if you realise she is no threat to you. You say your husband does not care about your feelings, yet you say all of his former wife's stuff is at Grandma's the kids live with you, if he didn't care about your feelings, trust me, all the stuff would be in your house. I would if the kids do not already have it, give each of them a framed photo of their mother to put in their bedrooms, acknowledge and accept her existence because this seems to be your second biggest problem, the first your insecurity in your marriage. If you are not prepared to do this, that is okay, if you want your own children, and I suspect this is playing a huge part in your unhappiness, discuss this with your husband when things have settled down over this cemetry thing, and if he still says no, then perhaps it is best you leave the marriage. All of this is entirely up to you. But if you continue to make things hard for him to take his children to the cemetery then you will be the one to suffer because he and the children will grow to resent you. I hope you can find some way to come to terms with this and save your marriage if that is what you want. Perhaps a therapist can help you solve your biggest hurdle your insecurity. Then again, if you accept that your SK have a mother and they wish to visit her grave and as their father it is HIS place to take them to support them, then you may just find his attitude towards you will change also. Change yourself before you try to change him, and good luck with this.

Sorry, but if he is always threatening you with divorce then it is understandable you would feel insecure. Do you really want to stay if this is the case. If the main issue between you though is him visiting the cemetery I would not worry so much about that. You said his wife has only been dead 2 years, that really is not a long time. It can take 2 years just to come to terms with a death, then another year or so to really start living again. So it really is early days and it is very early days for the kids.

This post actually kept me awake last night. I too am a widow, like your husband. I will do my best to be sensitive and not offend you with my post but I am just shocked by what you have written. Your husband and his children are suffering, and all you can do is talk about how selfish he is to want to go and take his daughter's to their mother's grave?

I am going to do my best to hold my tongue, but I will say this... Get some help or get out of this marriage. Those children have already lost their mother, they do not need to have their stepmother constantly battle with their father and them over their DEAD mother. You, my dear, are fighting a ghost. And you will lose this battle. I lost my husband 6 years ago. We had 3 children together. My children look like their father, behave like their father, for god's sake, they even SMELL like their father. That does not go away. Don't try to take it away from them. Saying that they have a photo in their room of their mom, like that should be good enough, is offensive to me. I'm sure they are scared to talk about their mom in front of you and that is NOT fair to them. Those memories must stay alive for them, and you freaking out at every mention of her is not allowing them to grieve her, or celebrate her the way that they should. This is NOT ABOUT YOU!

And, let me say this, I have moved on. I love another man now, and have for about 5 years. He struggled in the beginning of our relationship with the thought that if my husband had not passed away, we would still be together. He is probably right. But that is not my life now. I am able to love again and I can honestly say that the man I love is everything I could ever ask for (not being all mushy here, just stating a fact). I worked very hard to make him understand that. If your husband is not working with you on this, then you must either resolve this with him, or leave. You mention a number of times that there were issues at the beginning of the relationship, so why did you marry this man?

Your insecurity in this relationship is too much for you to handle on your own. Get counseling now. Help yourself and your family. I wish you luck.

Well said Brady Bunch.

I was also a widow. The whole visiting the grave thing was never an issue with me or my kids. I remarried fairly quickly and am happy with that decision. My kids were very young when their father died 2 and 9 months. My dh now IS their father for all intents and purposes. I did visit th grave a few times a year in the first several years-not with the kids because they were so young.

This issue is like any other in marriage. Just because the man has a dead wife does not mean that this woman does not have the right to have feelings surrounding his graveyard visits. It sounds to me as if she is saying that if he would plan the visits, give her advance notice, etc that she could deal with it better-I dont particularly think this is an unreasonable request. She would like him not to wait to the last minute to spring this on her while perhaps they are having a cozy family meal at home. I can really see how that would make her feel excluded? These people are now her family. Can you imagine how you would feel if they all got up suddenly and said they were going to visit their real mother and first wife and she is left there alone?

I dont think it is unreasonable for her to ask her dh to treat this issue with sensitivity. He can plan these visits at times that he knows she is not home. When I did visit my dh's grave-I didnt get up int he middle of my evening with my current husband and life partner and say welp, gonna go visit the grave, see ya! I waited until I was out and about on my own and stopped by there when I felt the need.

The death was also 6 years ago. Not last week, or even last year-but this little trio has had time to adjust to the loss. I respect that they would like to mourn at her gravesite-but my guess is that the op is the one who is doing all the "mothering" in this family. They've been together for several years. She is probably taking care of the girls and acting as a mother-but she is not acknowledged on Mother's Day at all-how craptastic! I cant imagine taking my two oldest to their fathers grave, a father that they have no memories of and who died many years ago, on Fathers Day and completing ignoring the fact that my dh now does everything that any other father does for their children-including loving them, supporting them, and doing tasks for them on a daily basis. He would be massively hurt and I would expect him to be.

The problem is if you go back and read her posts, your argument doesn't hold water because she clearly states that her husband took the children twice last year. Twice and she's incredulous about it, almost like he took the kids twice a day. Lol. They went on mother's day and the dead wife's birthday. She knew these days were coming. He didn't look across a candlelit dinner and say "now I'm off to the cemetery".

Yes we each grieve differently, and perhaps they should be adjusted, but that's not for any of us to say. And I DARE someone to ever say to me or my kids, "hey, it's been 6 years. Move on already. No more cemetery visits for you."

If helpless included herself in these trips and tried to have some compassion for this aspect of their lives I believe that a lot of the issues would resolve themselves for all involved.

My youngest was 11 months when her dad died. She still feels a loss and a void despite the fact that she never even knew her dad. Our other kids we 12 and 7 when he died. We still think and miss him each day. And we have moved on. It doesn't matter. We still grieve.

Hopeless should absolutely be acknowledged on mothers day. She is their mother now. If they exclude her then that is her husbands fault. Not the kids.

And lastly, I believe the fact that he DOES NOT want a baby with hopeless is the heart of the matter. Hopeless, you need to decide if you can move forward without having a baby of your own. This is the most important issue. I was young when I had my oldest, so I am still young enough to have more kids but I never will. I had my kids with my deceased husband and I've closed up shop. I wont have any more with anyone. Not even the man I'm with now. Just can't. I understand how you DH feels. Can you accept that from him?

Again Brady Bunch you are absolutely right. A visit twice year that she obviously knows about 12 months in advance the mother's birthday and mother's day, hells bells, hardly worth all the fuss. And yes, you are right she has tried to change the story from her original post which was only about visiting the grave to now painting him to be a pig. Waste of time trying to advise her she doesn't want it, she wants people to agree with her, and if you don't then you are as in your case "controlling" sorry for your dh & family LOL Seriously I do worry about her two stepkids God knows how this is affecting them. Don't care if their mum died 6 or 60 years ago, she is still their mum and they should be able to go to her grave twice a year without all this fuss.