Adult step "children"
Does anyone have advice for me? I love my husband so much and think I have lost him.....
Here's my story: Both my husband and I have been married before and each have grown children. We live in his childhood home in a rural (boonies) area. His adult daughters have grown up in the same area and have come to this house all their lives as their grandmother lived there. This was all long before I met my husband.
When I married my husband six years ago, I still had one daughter at home (16). After a couple years, my daughter met a guy that was too old for her (she was 17 and he was 31). After many attempts to change her mind, discussion and tears, it was decided that she be allowed to see him since she was almost 18. She and her bf moved to a bigger town and lived together for a year when it was discovered that the baby my husbands's youngest daughter was carrying, was my daughter's boyfriend's. DEVASTATION! It was the beginning of such a nightmare. I knew that life would be tough from then on. Over the last 2 years, I have pretty much shunned this daughter of his, and my daughter absolutely detests her. It's been killing my husband because he feels so torn. I have told him many times that I respect that he have a relationship with her and her child, and respect that I have so far been unable to do so.
It's been tearing us apart. Now, about 8 months ago, his other daughter (38) was released from prison and had no place to go. We agreed that she could stay with us temporarily. She and her son both stay there, in this very tiny house. I have been a very angry person for the past 2 years, and I have been unkind about the way I speak. I know there is such abuse of the "system" as I see it working in the medical field all the time. This daughter that has been with us for all these months is on disability since her release from prison. She has also gotten her 18 year old son on it. I shouldn't say she "got" him on it because it sounds so judgmental. Anyway, my husband and I are getting older and are wearing out! We both work and it's hard for me to see that they don't have to work, and I'm verbal about it. My husband is very kind and loving. I have recently taken myself and some belongings to stay with my sister in another town because I have begun to feel like an intruder in my home. We tried counselling, but my husband doesn't want to go anymore. I think it's because he was expecting the counselor to say that I have to be nicer to his daughters. Of course I do need to stop bashing all the millions that jump on disability for anything and everything. I am well aware that many people need to have it. I just want my husband back, and I think he sees me as a mean person.
Oh my, sorry, but although I
Oh my, sorry, but although I understand that you may love him, I also believe there are way too many issues here in which you are different.
1. if he can't understand why you won't talk to the one daughter who slept with your daughter's boyfriend/husband, he obviously has low morals
2. if he sees nothing wrong with two adults in his house sitting on their behind, while you work, then he also has problems
I think you NOW should know that these "stepdaughters" didn't end up being losers all on their own, as it seems from here that you husband doesn't see much wrong with what they have done or do, thus probably never really bothered to teach them what NOT to do and what was acceptable in society.
It's true, my husband didn't
It's true, my husband didn't do well (his words) in raising his daughters. There were terrible family dynamics there, and much was out of my husband's control. He was divorced (his prior wife cheated on him) and he only saw his daughters on weekends. My husband has always worked very hard for a living, and it was not his exampled they followed in that respect.
He absolutely understands my inability to accept what his daughter did to my daughter. However, he feels that it's been 2 years and he has to love his daughter (and 2 year old grandson) regardless. I understand that. I would never stop loving my own child, even if something terrible like that happened. But I wish my husband and I could just be together and enjoy our time left on this earth together. I'm thought of as the "bad guy" because I can't seem to get over it and move on. AAAGGGHHH!!!
Have you ever asked him how
Have you ever asked him how he would feel if roles were reversed? It may be a man issue to not be able to understand emotional issues. My SO still doesn't understand why somethings bother me so I don't talk about them he doesn't ask. At some point you just stop bringing up things that will never be solved. He needs to realize that you'll never get over it completly, but he can still love his daughter and grandchild. Out of curiosity: is your daughters ex/grandchilds father still in the picture?
I agree with herewegoagain,
I agree with herewegoagain, he needs to take some responsibility for his actions and stand up to the "adults" that live in your house besides you guys. If he won't see the problem(s) then you have to accept them as they are or leave. It seems so many SO's put step parents in this corner. Accept that ill never change or leave. They can't even take some accountability for the way their kids turned out.
I would have the adult
I would have the adult daughter and son move out ASAP. If they are both getting disability-they probably have a nice little income and can go and apply for low income housing, maybe get some food stamps, and live happily ever after. There is no reason they should live with you-when they have income.
As far as the other situation-I dont see a problem with you not wanting to hang out with this sd. She betrayed your dd. If you cant get over it, you cant get over it. He can always visit her elsewhere and leave it at that.