Possible "light bulb moment"-- I didn't raise her. I just entertained her.
SO saw that I had purchased STEPMONSTER on my kindle....
so, when we had a moment alone (this weekend was my son's birthday plus Easter, so lots going on with my kids & extended family).... he brought it up.
SO- You're not a step monster
ME- I know I'm not, but truth is, your daughter sees me as one...
so a bit of talking through that, and why I'm reading the book.
And we are about to do the month with no contact to think and decide about moving on. He wants a commitment, and I'm not sure about committing when his daughter is obviously not ready for him to have a woman in his life other than her. I told him it really doesn't matter if she ever likes me or not, or what she does. But that it does matter to me how he handles it, and how we handle things together. I told him I need to know what he expects of me, what I can expect from him in the way of support, and that we are on the same page, and that I will not move forward with him until we have come up with an agreement of how we will approach things, that can be ammended as we move forward.
And I told him is was kind of like the list of have titled "my battles" with my kids.... they know what battles I will fight, and they know why, and it cuts down on conflict..... the whole concept that when you're raising teenagers, you have to choose your battles because if you don't, you'll be in conflict all the time, and you'll be so busy fighting that you won't win the most important battles...... Well, he got real quiet, and then said to me
"I didn't raise a child, I never had that experience." And I was all, what? you have a 29 year old daughter, surely you know what I'm talking about?? And he said "I didn't raise her. I just entertained her."
WOW!!
This helps me understand why he hasn't stepped in and said or done something about her horrible rude behavior.... he's never done that before. He just entertained her and kept her happy when she was with him, so he has no experience telling her she's wrong.
It also helps me understand how she has such different family values than his family.... I've know his family since childhood... our parents were close friends.... and his extend family handles things very similar to mine as far as step parents, inlaws, etc.... family is family, we respect everyone, include everyone, and if a family member chooses someone we don't like, we still treat that person with respect and include them, because they make the person we love happy. So all the adults have this attitude, and when kids have been faced with step parents, we have the same attitude.... they are now part of our family. The end. ..... but he didn't raise her, so she didn't get that attitude soaked into her spirit by years of being around people with that attitude.... she got her mother's family values.... and her mother came from an abusive family, never made peace with her own mother before she passed.... so very different view of family....very little contact with extended family.... very small family system.... her only family is mommy, daddy, and me.
It also helps me to understand why he thinks he can deal with it if she never gets over her stinky attitude. He has said, if she doesn't get over it, and doesn't want to be around you, it's her loss. She'll be missing out on her dad...... I've had a difficult time believing that. If my kids wouldn't come around me due to dislike of my spouse, it would be difficult for me emotionally. I've felt like he was just in denial about how it would impact him. But, in our conversation, it's came out that they were more buddies... he was entertaining her, not parenting her. So, they don't have the same kind of bond, mutual respect, knowing how to work things out that I have with my kids. She doesn't go to him for advice the way my kids go to me.......
So, I still have a lot to think about, and I'm not going to move forward until I am confident that we have a solution that will be healthy for me, for our relationship, and for our family, both immediate and extended....
But I feel like I have a better understanding, and I think it is significant that he realizes he didn't raise his child.
Wow! That's quite a
Wow! That's quite a revelation! I think it is a good idea for you not to go further until you have worked out a solution - good for you!
Yes you are on the right
Yes you are on the right track all the way!!! I feel bad for your DH for he is at such a loss with his daughter. His push for commitment seems to be his fear of losing you. He is smart enough to hang on to what or who is good for him. Until he faces the problem with his daughter I would hold off getting married for in a way he is broken right now.
Really like your line of thinking!
"This helps me understand why
"This helps me understand why he hasn't stepped in and said or done something about her horrible rude behavior.... he's never done that before. He just entertained her and kept her happy when she was with him, so he has no experience telling her she's wrong."
At least he actually can admit it. He is definitely not alone when it comes to this. I think the majority of parents these days just plop their kid in front of cartoons all day long and never want to actually "parent" their child.
I think it's not only
I think it's not only significant he realises but also how clearly he could see and express this. I still say this sounds like a sensitive and aware guy. But the conversation I would be having next would be why that was, did he feel powerless, did he just not realise what to do, did he feel BM was doing ok and not want to interfere, or whatever whatever. In a way who cares as you are not going to have children together, but on the other hand it will give you a handle on whether he is just a crowd-pleaser or whether he really has responded to circumstances in a way that you can respect. The problem with crowd-pleaser DHS is they just want "everyone to be happy" and of course, as Stepmonster underlines, it's that kind of spouse who ends up sacrificing your peace of mind to some drama of SK.
Thanks so much! I needed
Thanks so much! I needed that feedback... cause in my mind I was saying, so now what?? Thanks for helping me know my next question.
To find put if he is a crowd
To find put if he is a crowd pleaser, ask him how he feels about this or that and if he ALWAYS, or almost always defers to you, this is a red flag. "it doesn't matter what we do as long as we are together" at face value sounds wonderful but when it begins to mean you have all responsibility for all decisions, even the smallest ones, then you probably have a crowd pleaser on your hands.
My DH is like this. When the challenging decisions are before us, he tries to blend in with his surroundings like a chameleon. Then, no matter what happens, he does not have to take responsibility. Instead he acts like the compassionate listener to SD and she makes the reasonable assumption that he agrees with her and everything is my doing, or wrong doing more often.
It's come to a head and is ruining our family. The other three kids (2 mine, 1 his) are losing out on a bonded family, but DH and SD are closer than ever. So dysfunctional.
Thanks for the suggestion....
Thanks for the suggestion.... it's difficult to know sometimes. The difference in a peacemaker and a crowd pleaser.
ITAlmostWorked could be
ITAlmostWorked could be describing my DH. The problem is, at the beginning of a relationship, that we interpret this compliance, especially if the man is intelligent and apparently independent, as compatibility and a good match of personalities. And yes, it's ultimately about taking responsibility. In my marriage, I always pick the children's activities and holiday venues, the destinations of outings and so forth. Had I not done so, nothing would have happened and everyone would have pursued home-based, self-directed activity. Similarly with educational activities for the kids. No-one perceives it as a problem because my choices are always complimented by DH who is fully in support. DH if asked would say, "But why should I challenge her judgments, they are fantastic for the children!" The point is he was not initiating, not going out and doing the emotional and administrative work. Without a conflict of interest, this sort of personality is very harmonious and helpful in a family. Once there is a conflict though, and decisions have to be made not simply based on the pleasure principle or on emotional comfort, but matters of principle, ethics, and relationship on a more structural level, the person may flounder and inadvertently hurt others.