Your daughter is making you choose. Not your DH.

It's time you teach your daughter how to handle and respect your husband. Find out why she hates him. If it's the usual *I hate my step-parent because they are a step-parent* - please do your DH a favor and tell her to get her head out of her a$$.

Your DH is not wrong in asking you to tell her to stay away when he is home. She could easily screw his entire life over by saying that he was inappropriate with her or accuse him of being abusive. He has the right to protect himself and to ensure that his life is drama free and not at risk.

(My SKIDS (twins Boy/Girl, age 10) BM is a lunatic. I refuse to converse or be anywhere near her. She has *imaginary* conversations with people. That is, she makes up conversations that never happened and says that people did things that they didn't. Due to my profession, I can't be dragged into some crap accusation that I did something or said something to her. So I stay away. Same goes for my SKIDS. She has taught the SKIDS to accuse EVERYONE of abusing them. If their father so much as even attempts to discipline them, they run out of the house screaming, "ABUSE! ABUSE! ABUSE! THEY ARE ABUSING ME!" So I refuse to be alone with them too. I absolutely cannot have a child abuse charge levied against me - even if it's false. Even having the accusation could ruin my career. ALSO (yes, there's more), because I can't trust the BM or the SD - I refuse to even have my son in the same house with SD. It's NO JOKE for a man to be accused of being inappropriate with a young girl.)

My point is: Your husband doesn't need to be at risk. Nor does he have to put up with being treated like crap.

Find out what she doesn't like about him. If he's not been abusive (for real), then she's just bucking against having him in her life.

Your choice then becomes:

Do I want to have a happy marriage that will last me the rest of my days - even when my daughter has grown up and moved on with her life? Or, do I want to have only my daughter in my life, even when she has grown up and moved on with her life?

Because the chances are, if she just hates him for being alive and being married to you - she's likely will never accept anyone.

Hope you feel like living the rest of your days with no companion of your own.

I'll pass on to you what our pastor told us. In order of importance, relationships should rank:

1. God.
2. Spouse.
3. Self.
4. Child(ren).

Yes, in that order.

You HAVE to have a happy marriage. Yes, in healthy ways - your spouse is supposed to be more important than your children.

Is it your home, too??

I'm a big proponent of neither spouse dictating who is and isn't "allowed" to come around.

Well at first I supported your husband, I thought that your daughter had no right to come to your home and disrespect him and expect him to be all lovey dovey with her, of course sooner or later he was going to tell her not to come back, no one should be disrespected in their own home.

However now you explain further he used to yell at you and you excuse that by saying he hasn't done that for a while....please. He tries to make you feel bad for wanting to go out on a Saturday with your kids, well unless your are raging into the wee small hours of the morning at nightclubs or whatever, there is absolutely no harm in that, and he should be glad that you are going out with the daughter instead of her coming to his home. he "TEASES" you, teases, I cnnot believe you have used that word, he teases you by telling you that he is going to punch you in the face,in front of your kids and others, OMG, and then you cover for him by saying let me be clear though, he has never laid a hand on you. Also, he has the nasty tone thing happening. Your poor daughter must be beside herself with grief and worry over you.

Your daughter is not the one causing problems in your marriage here, your husband is doing that ALL BY HIMSELF. If you want your daughter to like and respect your husband then he had damn well better respect her mother.

Out of curiosity is this just a woman thing he has going or is he like with this with your son too.

Domestic violence often starts out by isolating the victim (you), and by verbally abusing them so as to weaken them, then when the victim is so emotionally exhausted, has lost all sense of self esteem and is worn down to the point were they think they are to blame, the belting will start. No one beats up a strong emotionally secure person who is surrounded by family and friends. This guy is isolating you, get ready for stage two or get out.

There are three reasons for her hating him:

1. he's an ahole and treats her bad...if so, you as her mother should have protected her and not allowed your husband to treat her bad
2. he's an ahole and treats YOU bad...if so, you should stand up for yourself and not allow him to treat you that way...as you teach your daughter that it's ok for men to be aholes to you
3. she's spoiled rotten and thinks that she has a right to not like someone because she wants to and make YOU choose...if so, you can't feel sorry for a daughter that has been raised to be so disrespectful...YOU have given her too much power.

So, which one is it? Sadly, they all point to you at the end of the day. If you demanded respect from both sides, you would not have to choose. Somewhere along the line, you have not demanded respect from at least one of them and thus the reason you are in this situation. So take charge NOW and make sure that YOU do whatever you need to do to ensure that you don't have to choose.

Can only echo what everyone else has said. Your DH sounds like a controlling person and it really is no wonder your daughter doesnt like him. What would you say to your daughter if she was in the same situation. You know what you need to do. We all deserve partners who respect, cherish and love us for who we are. Not someone who belittles you and disrepects you.

Why do they not like each other? What is their difficulties getting along. Its not up to your daughter to chose who you are with and she should be respecting because he is an adult... Not just because he is your husband... But then again its wrong that you dh is jealous of her... Why do you think he feels that way? Seems to be there is more background info needed.

The OP explains more about her husband in her other thread. Her husband is an ass who treats the OP like crap.

Pretty hard to like much less respect someone who treats your mother that way.

I can tell you what I would try, sit them down together, cry, scream really let them know that this is doing to you, tell him you will not ban your own daughter from your house, it will never happen, tell him you love him but he should not come between a parent and a child, as you have said that you really want this to work, maybe them seeing how devastated you are about this situation will provoke a change, I feel sorry for your daughter because I know whats its like to feel that you have to defend your Mother from your Father, Im not talking about physical stuff but emotional bullying. She also needs to know that you can stand up for yourself, (but have you yet)? He needs a wake up call, don't tell him your kids will always come first no one needs to hear that, knowing you will always be second best is a killer, though Im not saying it not true, tell them they have to find a way to get along better, at least be civil to each other and build on that, I urge you to read some info online about narcissistic/controlling men, I was in an awful relationship before I knew it he had taken everything from me and had me firmly under his control, they are always wonderful and charming at first, I dare say some counselling would help here, but I understand that its expensive, I really wish you the best.

Say if this was in reverse and your dh had an 18 yr. old from a previous relationship, and his bio sibling did not like you and vice versa to be around each others presence. There must be a reason. Like they say there is a reason for everything.

It seems that dh and your daughter just don't like each other. Your 18 yr old is the smarter one or is the dh just being a prick that he dislikes her because she is not his. She will most likely be on her own soon and your bio-daughter still can have nice times with just you without him included if that's the way it must be. You should ask both why they despise each other.
I don't know who is interfering here. "Who's the Controlling One". There seems to be more to this that meets the eye. :? Calling the police in my opinion would make the worse case scenario...