I don't think you should feel guilty but I believe that it is normal to feel some way about leaving them out. Maybe you all could come up with a plan for scheduled "all family" (bio kids included) time and then hash out when you will only spend time with your son and her daughter. Maybe let your wife know how you feel and offer some solutions to her.

Does your wife's daughter have another parent involved in her life? You just said that your kids go on vacation with their mother and their mother's parents. Does your son with your wife get to go on extra vacations to even the score with those vacations? Does her daughter get to go on vacation with her biodad? Do you pay cs? Does she get cs? How often do you have your kids? How much time does her daughter spend with you? Are there rules and discipline? Are they equal?

Those are all factors. I insist my dh and I go on some vacations with just our son. Why? Because his daughter gets vacation with her mother. Fair and equal aren't always the same. My dh pays a huge amount of cs even though he has 50% custody. Our kid doesn't get anywhere close to that amount of money for "him" each month. Plus, my son has all the rules and responsibilities of our home 100% of his life. SD only has to follow ruiles and responsibilities of our home 50% of the time. I don't think she deserves 100% of the rewards and opportunities of our home when she only has to do 50% of the work.

I recently talked to my DH about taking time for ourselves. I know he feels guilty when we go out to dinner and dont take his girls with us . I do feel a little guitly but it's necessary that we have that time for ourselves. We went out of town for one night and his teen daughter was upset and kept calling him.

You said the 6 of you all went on vacation..this time around for her birthday she wants to go just with you and the Bio kids ..I say that's ok too.
compromise and just do what you said you would ..take them to Florida next time.

You and your wife alone should regularly have dates/trips together without kids, without feeling guilty.

Honestly, my stepfamily has issues of our own, but the bottom line is you should not take/plan "family" trips unless EVERY child can go. Of course, blended families will not always be together so don't feel guilty about taking trips when the other parent is not in agreement. Not to mention, each child should spend quality time one-on-one (notice I said one-on-one not two-on-one) with individual parents. Next time you take a family trip as a family (meaning everyone) make it a bit more relaxing and make it your sacrifice as a dad to all the kids to make this trip as easy as possible for your wife. If she realizes she can relax when all kids are around, she will have more fun and be more open in the future.

I am the product of divorce. I understand that because I lived with my Mom full time and my Dad barely ever that he of course had his own seperate life. He went on holidays and vacations and I totally understood that. I did however expect to go with my mom if she ever went anywhere because that was my full time parent. My Dad took us on a few day/weekend trips and those were just fine.

Don't feel guilty for not taking them. (Depending on their age of course) they should understand that you have a life too. You can't be expected to do everything for everyone all the time. There has to be balance.

Unless your kids are entitled brats and feel like they are owed everything from both you and your ex... then I wish you the best of luck!!

Would your wife agree to take a vaction with just your BKs and the child you have together? If not, then she shouldn't expect you to want to vacation with your SD while leaving your BKs behind.

Sir, let's look at this:

You fully support your wife, while she has the luxury of sitting home.
You fully support HER daughter, while neither she nor biofather contribute a hot red cent to THEIR child's support.
Your wife wants/demands that you vacation with HER child and your joint child while leaving your children behind...mind you, on vacations that YOU pay for.

I'd suggest you put your selfish wife in check. Remind her who pays the bills and tell her to change her attitude. Or... even better, stop supporting her and her child. Maybe then she'll learn to start appreciating you and everything you do for her and her spawn.

Oh, and go ahead and tell her... YOUR kids will attend ALL vacations that YOU pay for if you so choose. If she doesn't like that, she can get a J.O.B. and pay for her own vacations with just HER children.

Honestly, women like this give women a bad name.

It always amazes me the power pootie tang has over a man... gah.

No, you shouldnt feel guilty at all!!! You are an involved father. You pay CS for their needs etc, you spend quality time with your kids, and you love them. The only difference is they do not live with you full time.

It is NOT wrong or unfair for your wife to want to have vacations that do not include your kids. There are many reasons why she may not want them around all of the time...they may not behave well, she doesnt want to have to take care of 2 extra kids, she might just want to share that time with you and her other children. It isnt like she is saying you cant go on vacations with your kids at all, she just wants what every one of us SM's want...quality time with OUR kids and OUR DH/SO!!!

I realize that your current situation is not a desireable one but unfortunately these are the types of situations that are likely to occur as a result of blending families. (for the most part)

We are a his, mine, and ours family as well. We stopped taking ss14 on vacation with us about 2 years ago-however, there were BIG reasons why. The kid just does not want to be part of "our" family so he is bound and determined to never enjoy himself and make those around him miserable as well. He has done everything from shoplift from a store, steal my panties, drink my alcoholic beverage I left on the counter. In addition, he has screamed for literally HOURS while we were camping (he was 11)-I am surprised that we were not asked to leave. Then you've just got the general rudeness, arguing with sibs, wetting himself nightly and refusing to clean up after himself in any sort of way.

Does my dh feel guilty? Yes, somewhat. Less so nowadays as he is getting used to it. But I work full time, I love, love, love to travel so I work hard and save all year long to take a "vacation". It's not really a vacation if I have to deal with ss's constant drama and chaos. We even discussed dh not going-but that upsets me as well-as I want to spend my vaca with my dh and why should MY/OUR kids suffer their dad's absence because ss wishes to act like an ass?

We went on a weeklong beach vaca without ss this year. He was even living with us (he lived with us for a LONG 3 months)-dh told him that he would take him camping at a really neat campground that we have near us so that they could spend some time together. SS actually didnt seem to care (he really doesnt like any of us)and seemed pleased with the idea of the camping trip. Of course it has not occurred as my dh is a horrible planner, ss is not residing with us anymore, and they only have 2 more weeks til school starts.

Blended families are tough. I dont think these are black and white issues. To say that ALL family members must go on a family vacation is not a blanket statement that people should make, IMO. We have gone without dh before when he was deployed. SS14 has been places and had experiences that my kids have not had with his bm. (My two oldest kids father has been deceased since they were very small, and dh really functions more as their bio dad). Since this is your wife's birthday trip I would let her call the shots here. especially since you already took a family vaca. Take a weekend somewhere with just you and your kids later if you feel like they are upset by it-but they may really not be as my ss has never made a single complaint or acted in any way concerned that he was not included in our trips-it was apparent he didnt enjoy them which is why he acted like an ass.

We recently took a "family" vacation. It was a camping trip to a National Park. Mind you, people come from all over the world to go there, so I was excited. My own biochild couldnt make it. So we took SD and a cousin, 4 of us total. It was a disaster. The kids were horrible brats 90% of the time, they didnt give two cents where we were or what we were seeing. They aren't babies, they are 9 and 11. DH and I had taken quite a few vacations alone prior, when SD wasn't living with us, and they were fantastic. Whats the common denominator here?

Bottom line, we wont be doing this again. IF the kids go, there will be severe consequences for acting up next time and they wont be invited to go with after that. We need our time alone to stay sane, and if they cannot behave well enough to go with us, then they will stay with the grandparents. A vacation is not a given in life, its a luxury. I feel no guilt, whether my child goes or doesn't go, whether his child does or doesnt go. But I refuse to suffer through a vacation because of bad parenting.

so I can take just her daughter and our baby son to the beach for the weekend without of course my other two kids.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Tell her sure...that sounds fine. But tell her you want the same thing. You want her and you to take only your bios on the next trip. that would mean that everyone goes EXCEPT her daughter. See how she feels about it then.

ONe more point, how do these vacations pan out. You said you went to Alaska in June 2011 and just returned from vacation last week. So your kids are getting a major vacation each year. So again, I'm confused as to how the other trips can even possibly include them when you only have eowe.

But my big question is this. WHat happens on these vacations? You only see your kids a small amount of time and you've admitted you spend a lot of time with them when they're there becasue you don't see them much. I absolutely agree that you should do that. BUT what happens on vacation? Are you on vacation with you kids and you wife is on vacation with her daughter and the baby? You know, together, but not really? I ask because we just got back from the beach. Me, dh, his daughter, and our son. Guess who didn't really have a vacation? you go it! ME! Why? Because he spent our vacation with his daughter and I got to be take care of a toddler by myself. I got to sit in the hotel room while he napped and they had fun at that beach. I got to do all the work of taking care of OUR child because he was busy with HIS child. Could that be at play here? Could it be that your wife feels like when it is all of you that you and your kids are the ones on vacation and her daughter is left on the sidelines because she is busy taking care of the baby?

I can tell you from my situation that my dh doesnt want to take his kids on vacat ion with us again. Why? B /c the last vacation his kids acted like entitled little shits. We spent way too much money and they wanted more and wouldnt even spend time with us as a family. Then as soon as the fun and money was over they wanted to go home and even accused dh of having his head up my butt and ignored them. First they choose to stay in bed and choose to do other things after dh got them up to spend time with them they said no.

I wonder if that might have anything to do with your situation. But at the same time it is very hard to take vacations and things when the kids are only there eow. Remember one thing life doesnt stop when you dont have your kids that might be another thing your wife might be having issues with. If you are always saying things like my kids would love to do this or we cant do this til we have my kids. I can see why she feels the way she does.

Oh holy crap!!! I've read this whole long thread-- as a Stay at home mommy here-Im very appauld by some of this It was the OPs SOLE choice to marry a young pretty woman with a young daughter. Sounds to me like he sought that out!!! It is and was also HIS choice for her to stay at home with the young ones. Yes- HE chose that!!! So why is it that NOW, after the marriage--after them also having a child together----why is the OP acting like this???

I have a few questions for the Original Poster (not to another person here- who isn't even a parent at all)

1. How long did you know your current wife for, before you married her?

2. When you got with your wife-- did you & just her alone vacation together? Without her daughter? I'm asking this because I bet it's been you,, her & her daughter all along!!! I have a friend-who met a woman at a resort in Costa Rica while he was there on vacation. In her culture, you never leave a girl behind- even with relatives. It's a cultural thing. My question is-- did you know all along that this is how your DW felt & NOW you'd like that to change? If so-- that explains a lot here. Plz do let me know in your answer

3. When you DO take your kids on their yearly vacation in the summers- along with your wife & her daughter & Your young boy with your wife--- what kind of activities do you do with your older kids?? I see a few have asked you point blank questions- yet you don't answer There is VERY valid reasons for why these questions are asked. If you are out doing activities with your older kids-- then isn't it fair to say your Wife, baby & her daughter are being left out?? If YOU aren't staying behind 50% of the Vaca to attend to the baby-- then who is?? Your wife-right?

4. Why does your 10 yr old daughter CHOSE not to come visit? What are her reasons. Why is she afforded the right not to come to visit? How often, honestly, does she truly visit? Does she get along with your wife? Why not?

5. You say your Wife is trying to plan outings without your kids; how does she know when they are or aren't coming? If your kids are only in your home, say, 2 days out of a month--/ why do you feel they should be included in EVERY trip? How would your wife plan? She doesn't know when or IF they would even be there? I'm confused.

I'd love to help you figure some things out. I really would, but I'm gonna need you to be fair & answer some questions. It's the only way to gauge things here. I might be a good person to bounce ideas off of. My parents divorced when I was 6. I lived full time with my Dad. My mom raised my 3 yr older then me, sister. We lived pretty much cordial lives. I vacationed with my Dad primarily-- a few times with my mI'm-/ I'm a stepchild. I'm 35 now & I can tell you I never ever was upset or hurt by not going on all vacations my mom & sister went on. Nobody was jealous-- nobody felt left out. Could you be projecting your guilt onto how you feel your kids might be perceiving things? Do your older kids tells you they feel left out?

It is NORMAL for a couple to vacation with none, some or all their kids. But I'd bet that your wife told you in the very early days of your relationship-- that she won't leave her daughter alone or without her. I bet only recently this has became an issue for you? Please do explain more & ANSWER my questions. YOU asked for help & advice & I cannot give it to you without knowing your situation first.

Lastly, please tell me about the last 3 times your older children had an issue with your wife. What was it about? How was it resolved? Also- please do the same, but from your wives viewpoint; the last 3 times your wife had a problem with your older kids, what was it about?

Again- I'm only trying to help you. Hope to hear back from you soon
** if you respond to my thoughts here, and are not the OP-- please at least be a parent- either bio or stepparent. Still trying to figure out why any non step related person would want to constantly be on these boards?? Most of us WISH we didn't have these problems. This is a stepparent site**

This entire thread gave me a headache. And I've asked a lot of questions to get a better understanding or to give the OP a peek inside to what his wife might be thinking. I think my questions and the questions above are valid.

I hadn't considered cultural differences with leaving a daughter behind so that is interesting.

All of that said, and I'm not switching sides because I think there are a LOT of red flags in the OPs posts, such as

1) he lets his daughter decide on visitation
2) he mentions at least once that he'd love to take his older two kids on vacay (no mention of his son with his wife)
3) he says they went to Alaska in June 2011 and also just returned from vacation, but somewhere else he says they've only been on one vacation as a family
4) he feels guilty and says he "wants to make it up to them" - huge red flag to a SM
5) he states he only has them EOWE and sometimes one of them doesn't come but still expects his wife to plan trips (which judging from his list of trips are more than 2 days at a time) around their time with him, which makes no sense
6) he calls his wife controlling, bitchy and naggy, but then changes his tune and says he is fine with vacation with just her, but not her kid.

Trying to be objective, it is possible that his wife remarried to have someone to take care of her kid. It is totally possible that she is a controlling bitch who thinks her kids are more important than his other children. It is totaly possible that she has raised her daughter to be entitled and is teaching her to also degrade this man by watching her mother do it. Hell, if I just read THOSE entries I'd swear he was married to Lazy McCrazy. I can totally see her doing this to a man and expecting him to treat SD8 like a princess while ignoring his first kids. We all can, can't we? Don't we all have BMs who are EXACTLY like this?

So what this all comes down to is whether or not the OP is being honest with himself and us. GIven the red flags posted above, his defensive / argumentative attitude and knack for giving just a little bit more info here and there to blame his wife, I think he isn't. Just my opinion, you understand. But I don't KNOW that. I could be totally wrong, in which case I say why did you give in and do what she demanded? Either way, you're at least partially to blame for your predicament. You either are fudging facts to make it seem like you and your kids are perfect (doubtful) or you're allowing this woman to destroy your life with guilt and threats. And either way, I feel sad for your new little boy who was brought into this world when one or both of you should have known better.

So take your bio kids on a trip...She still has the right to have her kids on her time for her birthday. I think the misconception for all of us is that when 2 people get married we automatically have to love each others children and everyone should feel like "the brady bunch" in all acutality this couldn't be further from the truth. I love my husband...can't stand his son. If he wants to take a trip with him be my guest but a vacation with the little demon would be anything but a "getaway". We need to seperate relationships to harbor new ones and allow you to keep the old. This doesnt make her a bad person. You mentioned you felt left out on the trips with her kid...maybe she feels outnumbered and left out when you and your bios get together. Blending families doesnt come with a manuel and unfortunatly feelings get hurt and bridges get burned...its messy and anyone who says its not one of the hardest things they have EVER done is lying.

OK, well, if you're being honest, I say just stop planning trips that don't include your kids. You pay for them. You plan them. So just do it. If she won't go with yoru kids, noone goes anywhere.

I'll be honest though. I have said the exact same words to my dh regarding his daughter. I will not go on vacation or even on a day trip with her until he gets her under control. She ruined our last vacation and made me absolutley miserable. She refuses to do anything more quickly than a snail's pace and refuses to eat anything she insists on ordering at a restaurant. I can't have my 18 month old sitting in a restaurant for 2 hours while she picks at her food and eats one noodle at a time. It is unreasonable for anyone to expect him to be subjected to that. I love my dh. I recognize he wants to spend vacation time with his kid, but I refuse to do it at the expense of the rest of us. A family vacation is just that - family - not one person gets to have everyday revolve around them.

So I can kind of see her point. Being stuck in an RV with three kids and being pregnant probably sucked.

That said, I would be fine with him taking her on vacation by himself. He is entitled to that time and he can afford to do it. ANd if your wife constantly threatens to leave and take your child, reminds you that she is young and can do better and breaks things, your issues are bigger than her not wanting to take your kids on vacation.

I still disagree with allowing your 10 year old to choose to visit. She isn't old enough to make those kinds of decisions and saying your wife is "mean" without being able to tell you what she did or said that was "mean" is an excuse. IMHO.

After reading all your replys it sounds like to me that maybe your wife dont want your kids around as much ok fine but you fell the same about her dd. It goes both ways. So you both feel the same about each others kids. So now that you know that you can understand her and why she feels that way.

However i do think you have an unrealistic expectations of your kids going on every vac or outing you have as they dont come over very often and at that your wife doesnt really know if or when they will come b/c you let them decide that. Maybe your wife gave up on trying to plan anything b/c she doesnt know when ot if they will be there.

Plus your kids do get to do ll kinds of things with their mom just like your wife is doing with her child. Your wife just might be acting the way she is b/c you do have an unrealistic expectation to take your kids on every fun thing you do and she is frustrated b/c it just cant happen with as little,time as you have them. And she might feel like you expect life to,stop,til you have your kids to do these things.

I know that id be very upset if my dh said we cant go on a long weekend if it is not his weekend to have his kids and we have to wait til they are with us. Sometimes life happens weather it is your weekend or not.

Speaking as a sm, I do not and will not plan my life around my husband's ex wife's kids. Why would I? It doesn't make me a bad or "controlling" person, either.

Should you feel guilty? No. But, that might not stop you from feeling guilty anyway.

You love your kids, as you should...they are, afterall, your kids. BUT, they are NOT your wife's kids. Yes, she knew when she married you that you had kids, but I can guarantee that she didn't know what she was getting into (none of us did). The truth is (whether you want to hear it or not), MANY dads in your situation feel very guilty for no longer being in their kids' lives on a daily baises, and because of that, you let your kids get away with A LOT. And, you don't seem to realize what an effect this has on your wife. She has to spend a lot of time (and probably money) on kids who aren't hers....kids who she has little to no say on how they are raised, on what manners they do (or don't) have, what contribution they make to the household, etc. She pretty much has to put up w/whatever you decide because you are the parens. And, if she chooses to disagree, to stand up and say "wait a minute, these kids should NOT be allowed to run the house everytime they come over", she gets deemed the "evil stepmom". It is a hard position to be in.

So, for her, taking a vacation w/your bio kids, is not much of a vacation at all. She would either constantly be silently suffering, while putting up w/behavior that she would NEVER allow from her own kids, OR feel like she is an evil bitch because, god-forbid, she puts her foot down and tries to make her step-kids be respectful, have manners, etc.

Take your vacation w/your wife. You said yourself you have had and will continue to have vacations w/your bios and her. Let her have this one. Let her enjoy it.

And be thankful she puts up with everything she does.

When you got with your wife-- did she EVER leave her daughter alone with anyone??? Did she TELL you from the very get-go that she never would??

So why do you expect that to change now??? You REFUSE to answer very very valid questions here & your flat out leaving a lot out of "your" side.

So without any of the answers here, to help you: I come to one conclusion. You should Vaca once or whatever you decide, a year ALONE with your older bios AND then sepatatedly with your Wife & young bio & stepdaughter.

Only advice I can give you. I really really have tried to help & offer you advice. Hope you come up with some way to remedy the issue. Best of luck!!

" I REFUSE TO SELL MY KIDS DOWN THE CREEK FOR HER AND HER DAUGHTER NEVER!"

I read the whole tread and this sentence tells me that you should not have married your wife in the first place. I donot think you are ready to be in a marriage with anyone and the best thing you can do for her own sake since she is young is to separate and let her live her life and find someone worthy of her.

If you want to be with your children you should fight for full custody and be a full time father. Then you will not have guilt and will be available for them and vacations with them whenever they need you and want you. You can stay single till they are 18 or 21 and decide to leave the home and start their lives. This is the only way that you can relieve your guilty consciousness. Then you might be available for a woman but only if you have worked through the serious guilt and shame that you carry over from your divorce.

Your wife is young and she should not carry the burden of guilt that you carry. The fact that she is from a foreign country complicates things since she does not have a wider support net or group of extended family and friends - cousins, uncles, brothers , sisters that her daughter can go to and play with.You are her only rock and support. If you leave her alone she feels abandonment and rejection due to the fact that she cannot go to her mother or grandmother or her cousin and just have a good time.

She is a human being as you are and has feelings as everyone else. It seems to me you have unrealistic expectations of her sitting back and not having feelings and being in agreement with everything that you do.I am sure she loves you and wants to be with you and you love her and want to be with her. You have to ask her: How can I be more understanding? and she should ask you: How can I be more understanding?

The fact is that you made the choice not to work on your first marriage , divorced and have EOW with your children and not full custody. Your children from what it seems have a very wide support network of family , friends and resources available to them. Nothing to feel guilty about - they are enjoying a pretty fulfilling life as it is. You on the contrary are trying to overcompensate for your guilt by using them to relieve your feelings of dissatisfaction that your first marriage dd not work. Now you are trying to fit your wife into a role she did not sign up for and on top burden her with all the guilt you feel.

Instead of showing your children what it means to have a happy , healthy , loving family - you are creating turmoil with your wife by making her responsible for your feelings of guilt from the divorce. You have to move away from your past and start living in the NOW. The now is your beautiful wife and son that feel your anger and frustration . Do not create divisions where they do not exist. Create love and peace.

One story: My ex`s BM2 parents divorced when she was little- a baby. Her father re- married and created a loving, stable family , put his wife first and his sons and sometimes did not maintain a relationship with his daughter because her mother was not a very pleasant woman. Guess who my ex`s BM2 respects today more? Yes, she respect her father because he has shown her what a family means. Guess who she chooses to go to celebrate on 4 th of July with - with her father and her half - siblings. Why - because her father put his wife and family first and she had no choice but to respect her father for his choices.

My ex was so guilt ridden over the fact that he did not spend time with his daughter that he started blaming me for that - just like you do now with your wife. It is a good thing that we did not have children together and I did not marry him. That guilt of his blinded his perception and understanding of what it means to be a parent.Being a parent is not about vacations - it is about leading by everyday example. If you leave your wife in Walmart and go shopping for fishing rods with your son - you are saying to your son that your wife does not matter. You are brushing her off. If you leave your wife home and take your kids places - you are showing them that your wife is not part of your unit. It is another story if she tells you - guys enjoy the movie and I will go shopping while you eat your popcorn.

Talk to your wife in a loving and supporting manner- do not be judgmental and accuse her of jealousy. It probably has nothing to do with jealousy and all to do with YOU.

Create a loving home with your wife so that one day your children will respect you more and will want to create the same home for themselves. But first you need to take a very close look at yourself and speak lovingly to your wife. Do not make the mistake that my ex did because he lost the best thing that has every happened in his life and although he will get the short term satisfaction of playing the parent role in the long term his daughter would have lost respect for him .

The vacation is a short term satisfaction that they will get . In the long term they will remember the poor way that you treated your wife and that you left her behind. Kids feel that type of things.

Love and Peace

I am saying all of this in a loving way - create love and peace with your wife and live in the now not in the past.

If you struggle in your feelings you should communicate with her and she should communicate with you in a loving way so that all anxieties are alleviated. I am sure it is very difficult for her being alone without her mother and family. I am happy that your family embraces and loves your wife and supports her in a caring way.

I donot want to project anything on you. I just hope that you take some time to look inside and do some work on yourself in a loving and compassionate way. Instead of judging her as jealous and putting labels on your wife you should try to look at yourself. Yes, I know it is painful. Yes, I have been there. Yes, I know it hurts and yes until your mind is in overdrive you will not be able to find a solution. You need stillness of mind.

Guilt is what our modern - nation state is built on and there is no escaping it. We all carry it in one form or another. Including me - every day all day:). In schools, institutions, media, shopping etc. we are all permeated by guilt.

It is all about loving and caring communication - once we get into our mental boxes and thoughts that make us react in unloving ways we forget that we are all love.

In a loving and peaceful way I hope that you find stillness and peace of mind.Be love!

Without communication - a loving one based on mutual respect and listening and trust you are not given a chance to improve the partnership.

My ex locked himself in the bedroom and did not want to talk and communicate for days.I repeatedly asked for us to sit on the kitchen table and talk in a loving and kind way.He later re - emerged and said he does not want to invest in continuing forward with marriage. Changed his mind during the month , we tried but a real loving dialogue never happened because the damage was done already and he would not communicate and only blame me for seeking a dialogue and compromise. He was stuck on being right and stubborn.He did not want to listen.

If one party wants to be right and insists that the other one is wrong the dialogue and compromise will not follow. If you insist that she is jealous and she insists that she feels as outsider , alone and abandoned nothing can more forward. You are in your mental boxes. In order for compromise to occur one party needs to get our of the mental box and say: I admit I should have been more involved and the other one should follow I admit I should have taken consideration of your feelings and not texted during our time together. Then from here the conversation can start unfolding and you can both find a common ground. However if she is dead set on her being right about her non involvement and you are not willing to make concessions you are both not allowing positive energy and love to flow.If only you make concessions then you feel like the injured party and start feeling resentment towards her and her child.This makes you more defensive and overly sensitive whenever your other children are involved.Suddenly everything her daughter does is bothering you and you start looking for love from your other children.However , you still love your wife - if only she would be more involved and caring towards your other children. The key is communication and her talking to you about her feelings.If the child does not cry the mother does not know that the child is hungry. She should open herself for her feelings to you and you should listen in non judgemental way and assure her that you understand and love her. If you call her jealous you are getting back in your mental box and she will get very defensive and close up even more.

Try to open up a loving and caring dialogue assuring her of your unending and unconditional love for her.

It is all about our ego - we have to be right no matter what. In that process we lose the love.

Oh....I didn't realize your situation was this complicated. To be honest, I only read your op before I responded. Too many in between posts to read. I will admit, I have no idea what being separated from my children is like, I don't know what non-custodial parents go through, and I used to get irritated with my DH for getting depressed on his kids' birthdays-not fully knowing what he was feeling & because I saw it (the first family) as being a distraction away from his CURRENT family. Again, I just don't get it. I also didn't read about how your wife's kid is a pain in the rear and that you paid for everything. MY bad. This is tough for you, and I'm sorry for you. I've got no advice....just sympathy. ((( hugs )))

I don't think I will have the popular opinion, but what I see here is a very insecure woman who wants her man to love only her and her child. She is extremely jealous of his children, and really doesn't want them around.

Instead of going away on a weekend that isn't her "birthday weekend", she wants the OP to switch weekends so she can go away only with him and her DD and BS.

I'm sorry, but that's wrong. Heck, I probably feel the same way as she does, but I would never suggest that to my DH. Don't need WWIII breaking out at our house.

OP and his DW have been together for at least a couple of years. Even though she said she wouldn't leave her DD with anyone else, I'm sure the OP thought she may as the child got older.

If my husband wouldn't go on a vacation alone with me (no kids or skids), it would be a cold day in hell before I would go on a vacation with his kids alone, while leaving mine out.

I understand that sometimes it's not possible to include everyone due to scheduling conflicts etc., but that is definitely not the case here.

Secondplace, you worded that good. "I probably feel the same way she does, but would never suggest it to DH". So true.

You nailed it secondplace and hippiegirl - This is the crux of their problem - lack of communication.They have no avenue to talk about their feelings and try to compromise.Thus fear and anxiety settle instead of love and appreciation. He says she is jealous and she says I am outsider and this builds up resentment that spills over.

Loving, caring communication with respect to their feelings is necessary so that they get out of their judgemental mental boxes and release their ego driven assumptions. Once that happens love will flow for all involved.We should remember that we are all love. The sun shines and the air is there for all of us. Until there is love they have a chance. If there is love that means that they still remember their light. Once they lose their light it is very difficult to come back to the light.

Yes, I did used to get angry with DH for showing emotions regarding his kids. I'm not proud of that. We have come a long way in the last 17 years. Things are alot better now....is your marriage still relatively new?

I've read most of the replies to your initial post, and it's sort of gone off track.

You seem to be getting extremely offended that a lot of ppl that have replied aren't agreeing with you and are giving constructive feedback. I don't think you really wanted honest opinions, I think you wanted confirmation that how you're feeling about this subject is acceptable. What basis to I have to say this? Every post that doesn't agree with you has you being defensive and argumentative.

Sticking to the question asked- I think it depends on the circumstances. As many previous posters have stated, your wife's life can't be put on hold for every time it's your children's turn to be at your house. You have your "big" family, including your new children (SD included) as well as your bio children. You also have your "little" family, which doesn't include your bio children. You are going to have to understand that life does not stop because your bio children aren't there. You can't force your wife to love them and shove them down her throat. If YOU want to plan things on the weekends that your bio children are there, take some initiative. Do it. Sometimes it's ok to do things with your "little" family...but you planning a big trip to make it up to your bio children kind of goes to show that you still may have a few underlying issues about not being there 100% of the time anymore.

I have mixed feelings on this one. As a SM, I completely understand your wife wanting to take vacations without stepkids. I can only speak for myself, but it wouldn't be much of a vacation for me if my SD was there. It would be extremely stressful and I would want to go home. I don't have any kids so I definitely do not want my SD coming on vacation with my husband and I. That being said, she has a kid of her own who is not yours and expects to bring that kid along but not your bios and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I can see why you are upset. But I also feel like your wife shouldn't have to plan all her vacations around visits with stepkids. Her life doesn't stop just because your kids aren't there.

Maybe you could suggest taking a couple's vacation alone with your wife? Sounds like you could use some couple time!

This may be a duplicate if so I apologize:

You said: "You too must have a chip on your shoulder. Your reply is in no way constructive thanks but no thanks".

I beg to differ. SOMETHING is going on. They gave you some things you seriously need to look at. If you don't see yourself in that description just ignore their Posts. But if you honestly look at yourself and see maybe you fit the description you may find a solution. If you dismiss their comments out of hand you may have kicked aside the problem AND the solution.

I regularly took two vacations, 1 week each. One with my wife and no step-kids and one with my children. A inexpensive vacation with children is a week long camping trip at a local state or federal park.

Try to watch this - it might help you with the guilt

http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Full-Episode-Oprahs-Lifeclass-Grow...

Try to watch this - it might help you with the guilt

http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Full-Episode-Oprahs-Lifeclass-Grow...

I am your wife in this situation and my DH feels the same way you do. We have compromised and any trips that are with my family his child does not come. It was crucial for me to have some vacations only with him and our two children. My SD does not like me and makes it very stressful on everyone. But even in cordial situations, us stepmoms need a break and not just when they are not in our homes but on vaca too. Good luck and I know this is so tough.

I got angry because I was a lot younger and more immature. I saw that first family as a threat. I wanted all of his time and attention to go to the kids that I gave him, because in my eyes (back then) the kids that he had with his ex wife did not matter and I considered them "less than". Like I said, I'm not proud of acting like that. Now, I realize that DH's universe does not have to always revolve around me and my feelings. I've grown up.

This looks like a good resource from people who have lived through it and have found a common ground/solution

http://www.globaltalkradio.com/shows/lovesafetynet/transcript2.php

Although this is not step related I think it explains the behavior of your wife and your reaction and how that creates stress in the marriage. You can read it together and discuss it!

Stay in love!

My Name is Mrs. Trace, I was married to my husband for 8years and we were both bless with three children, living together as one love, until 2010 when things was no longer the way the was [when he lost his job]. But when he later gets a new job 6 months after, he stated sleeping outside our matrimonial home. Only for me to find out that he was having an affair with the lady that gave him the job. since that day, when i called him, he don’t longer pick up my calls and nothing since to come out good. Yet my husbands just still keep on seeing the new girl friend till Dr.Magbu cast a spell for me,now is with me and me only.And i am happy with my family if you need his help contact on via email,[email protected]

Do your kids ever say they feel guilty leaving you behind when they are traveling with their mother or doing fun things with her? I can tell you after years of experience, my skids like to make my DH (their bio dad) feel bad that mom does an amazing vacation every year and all we do it take them to the beach in florida for a week and camping every other weekend. They realized that their dad was feeling guilty and they're now manipulating both parents to get everything they want at both houses.

Be careful with this type of parenting....it will definitly get you into a situation that you won't be able to get out of without looking like a terrible father in the end.

One additional thought. I wouldn't trade weekends with bio mom to go away with just your new family. That will also create a problem. Tell your wife she has two choices.

1. Plan another weekend when i don't have the kids
2. We will all go together since this is my weekend.