See if you can recognize yourself in this article (as the biodad with kids from previously enjoyed family); if not then you may have picked the wrong woman to be with:

http://steptogether.org/help.html

She's probably jealous of the relationship you have with your kids and wishes her family included just you and "her" kids.

Some people are not cut out to be stepparents. It probably would have helped to find this out before you married her.

Why not just ask her if she likes your kids and if it bothers her to have them around?

I believe that honesty is best. You must confront her about her behaviors. If she just chooses to dodge the questions or refuse to answer...or her answer is YEs I don't like your kids..then you may want to think about a seperation or family therapy...don't give up yet...to many people give up. Good luck and know that you can always vent on here.

It would be important to know how often your kids are in the house. Are they there half the time, meaning this is an issue for a signifcant portion of your life, or are are only there rarely? If your kids are around once in a blue moon and your wife can't stand them and hangs out in her room, maybe not such a big deal as if this happens all the time.

Also, this is important. I am a SM to a boy about your boy's age. He is an immature, emotionally retarded, malipulative, needy little.....you get my point. His father naturally thinks he walks on water and is a perfect, innocent and brilliant little angel. No matter what his behavior, my BF either finds it funny or cute or more likely, the work of a young Einstein. The boy has no chores, no responsibility. His only role in the house is to be waited on hand and foot by his dad (no way in hell will I pamper him like that). Where am I when the skid is over? Somewhere else! I cannot stand skid and I cannot stand how my BF "parents" him. My point is this...you do not mention at all how your kids act around or treat your wife or how you treat your wife when they are there. You mention that she says you always make her and her daughter last. She has shared these feelings with you, so obviously your behavior and actions are making her unhappy. I know what its like to disappear in his eyes the moment his precious angel walks through the door. IT SUCKS! Does your wife treat you like sloppy seconds when her daughter is around? I am guessing not. I imagine that if you were listening (very crucial, my man will not hear it) your wife will tell you or tries to tell you why she doesn't like your kids or what about their behavior (or yours more likely) makes her lock herself in her room. If you listen to her, you may realize that she has a point, and maybe you can even improve your children by listening to what your wife has to say (again, to my bf, his kid is perfect and cannot possibly improve). Maybe there is a reason that your wife feels that your baby is not safe around your children. She has a maternal instinct to protect that baby, so maybe you should respect that instead of dismiss it. 12 year old boys aren't exactly the picture of grace, and I wouldn't want one handling my newborn. Instead of patting yourself on the back for interacting with her daughter, maybe you should listen to what she has to say about your children. If she is being nice and excusing herself rather than giving you an earful about your kids that you don't want to hear, then ask her. She will be flattered that you care about her opinion. Don't be defensive, just listen.

And lastly, about the vacation...the thought of a "family" vacation with BF and skid literally gives me nightmares. Totally stuck, with no way to escape, while he caters to his kid's every whim while I stand around like a moron waiting for one speck of time or attention. Oh gag. If your wife went along at all, while pregnant, and was "awful to be around," consider yourself lucky. There isn't much more stressful than being pregnant and stuck with skids for an extended period of time. It seems that your wife isn't so much the monster you want us to think she is, just a woman with a new baby, trying to do her best in an unnatural and unpleasant situation. I hope you can be her partner and her friend and an advocate for the mother of your new baby by listening to her and respecting her feelings and needs. Work with her, don't just bitch about her.

Hang on a minute??? YOur wife gave up her life & country to be with you...so

she has none of her comfortable cultural ways around her,
or the usual foods
She has none of her school friends, family, growing up friends, work friends, cousins etc
She has nothing familiar around her at all,
she propably is still trying to find her way around town/city
and she could be looking at her life right now and wondering if this is as good as it gets?

Throw in the hormones....

She has just had a baby....I had depression from being pregnant, but I would say your wife is post natal affected - meaning she is over sensitive to some situations....its normal...but if she gets worse...look out...some women go real crazy and kill themselves the kids the spouses etc...

so you have no choice but to speak with a doctor about this - in the meantime...try the following...it might work

She needs to be cared for, she needs you to take her and the baby away somewhere special...just the three of you....it sounds like she wants you and her to bond your family dynamics together first, then your kids...MAKE SURE THEY WASH THEIR HANDS BEFORE THEY TOUCH BABE AND THEY HAVE CLEAN CLOTHES ON...MY YOUNGEST NEARLY DIED FROM A GERM TRANSFERED OFF SOMEONE WHO DIDNT WASH THEIR HANDS BEFORE TOUCHING HIM....

Now as for your kids....I used to stop going around or stop inviting some people to my place when my kids were little as the parents wouldnt discipline their child, OR THEY let them run around everywhere, breaking things, upsetting my children and I felt horrible in their presence....

Are your kids welll disciplined for her...Do you tell them to listen to her, not to play up for her, thank her for what she does for them, mention to them that she is the boss of the kitchen/house, or what ever....I would say she feels completly out of control when your kids are over, but comfortable and confident again once they are gone...she is possibly shy to say something to them if they do something wrong....but are you picking up on it...stopping any rot the kids dish out before it gets completly out of control??? Most men dont, thats the thing that mothers do good. And you need to give her the control and access to do it....

You want a happy family,.....then remember, shes boss, in this happy family scenario, she is the general manager, your just the ceo, she calls on you if she cant stop the rot that might go on, and when she tells your kids to clean their rooms, pick up their towels, get their shoes out of the loungeroom, socks off the kitchen table...then they better listen and I think its your job to make sure they listen...cos thats the role of the father....Dont allow them kids to complain....eva....make sure you both decide the shots for the weekend...not your kids...

Next time you get the kids...sit the steps and the bio's down together and give them some rules....your the boss not them....make sure they respect your union with your wife and respect you and her....any grizzling....take away the tv, games, computer, ipods, etc etc...

Oh by the way...the living room tv is for you and your wife,....if kids wanna sit and watch it...they watch what you two watch...otherwise...make them play outside or do something away from the adult areas....(nothing irks me more than kids taking over living rooms and kitchens....)

Good luck...let us know how you went

Hey Liks, can you come live at my house for awhile and knock some sense into my BF? In our house, skid sprawls out on the only couch in the living room, grabs the remote and watches what he wants, decides what is for dinner and makes his own bedtime. He is 12. I agree, totally backwards! My BF is such a wimp. One time (only once) I was trying to watch a show, one of those crime shows, violent and not appropriate for kids. Skid somes in and plops down on the couch. BF told him that I was watching something, and that is wasn't age appropriate (three cheers for BF for standing up for me...momentarily). Skid then storms off, crys like a baby, telling BF that we don't want him around. What a manipulative little brat. BF kissed his ass for days after that, to make up for the horrible abuse the boy sufferred by not watching what he wanted on TV and for making him feel unloved. Ugh, do you think I ever got to watch what I wanted again? Now I just go upstairs and watch the TV is my bedroom.

Two sides...hmmm...

1. some women with kids from a previous relationship do marry someone to "take care of their kids" and yet don't want you to take care of yours...

2. I also did not want my husband's daughter touching our son...why? Because before our son was born and once he was born, I was constantly having to remind the daughter to wash her hands after using the bathroom and dad thought I was picking on his daughter...and she was just a child...ie. if I wans't watching her, it probably wasn't getting done. In addition, she touched her nose all the time and would wipe her boogers on my walls...I too had to constantly complain about that to my DH because when I told his daughter it seemed like she didn't care, even though I had been doing the same thing for almost 3 years prior to me having our son. Which again meant, if I wasn't watching, who knows what she had on her hands. Also, she constantly came over sick. Seems BM was an expert sending her kid sick to my home, especially after we had our baby. Funny, but she didn't do that BEFORE...she tried to keep her kid at home if she was sick...but once I had a baby, the kid had to come over no matter what. No medicine, I had no idea what the kid had, etc...and yet the kid wanted to "hold my baby". Wasn't going to happen.

So, you need to determine what are the issues here. To you, they are all your kids and so maybe it's not a big deal. Believe me that if a kid from the street came wiping his boogers and then trying to touch your baby, you would be having a heart attack. I'm not saying that's what your kids do, I am saying it is one of the major reasons that many SMOMS freak out when skids come and want to touch their baby.

Good luck.

Threatening to leave the country with the new baby is a very serious red flag to me. You might want to consult with an attorney about international custody laws. Meanwhile, you might want to lock up the passports. Keep tabs on her phone and internet use. Secure your bank accounts and monitor your credit reports because she she wont get very far without the funds to do so.

She sounds like how I plan to be when I have a baby. Sorry this is happening to you. I imagine there is a reason though.

Perhaps she feels ignored when your children visit.
Perhaps she feels like you let them run wild and do whatever they want.
Perhaps she feels that her needs are set aside when they are around.
Perhaps she feels second rate when they are around.
Perhaps she felt like she was given all the responsibility and no authority for them when they visit and she's tired of taking care of them since they aren't hers.

Just possibilities from her side.

"She needs to be cared for, she needs you to take her and the baby away somewhere special...just the three of you....it sounds like she wants you and her to bond your family dynamics together first, then your kids..."

I have a feeling she would not agree to leave her daughter out of that special family bonding trip.

Yes, you need to hear directly from her WHY she is behaving this way. I believe that if a woman is unhappy, well then she should open her mouth and say so. I can't stand it when women are unhappy and play the "if you don't know why I'm mad then I'm not going to tell you" game. That's just dumb no matter what your hormones are doing. She should be proactive in trying to make the situation better for herself and for ALL the kids by trying to solve it WITH you. She may feel differently towards your children but she shall not treat them unfairly, ever. You also have the same right that she has towards your baby. So if she says that she doesn't want SD touching the baby, then you can say, "well, I DO want SD touching the baby". This will make her mad but it may get her to scream WHY she doesn't want it to happen.

The fact that you are looking for help is a great start. Perhaps you need 3rd party intervention. Counseling may help. And perhaps you children are not angels, but goodness, that is relative! I've been in a MOMS Club for years listening to women talk about how cute and sweet their kids are and how well-mannered their kids are....blah blah blah while you are looking at the kids thinking they are gross little monsters. I believe this goes for EVERYONE! Tell me how great your kid is and I can probably tell you 5 things he/she could really improve on. LOL (I try to keep this in mind before bragging about my own kids, who are awesome! )

I'm really surprised at some of the replies here, automatically putting the responsibility of everything onto OP. It's very possible that his wife is not stable. Our BM's mental illness came out when she was pregnant with their daughter. It's possible she could be suffering from post partum depression. When did she start avoiding your kids and "splitting" the family? I agree with the poster who mentioned locking up the passports, etc. until you get to the bottom of this.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that maybe this woman wasn't forced to move here, that she chose to. It's possible that she wanted a ticket over here but doesn't want to deal with your kids now. That being said, you do need to really look at how you act when your kids are there. Is there anything you change in regard to her and her daughter? She may be putting you in an impossible situation of choosing between her and your kids. You also need to be brutally honest with yourself about the behavior of your children while you're trying to "diagnose" this problem. What are your parenting styles? Are you on the same page?

I do understand attitudes changing once living together. Mine did, not because the kids are bad, but because their BM is a nightmare. It's very stressful. Are there any issues with the BM of your kids? In my situation, that caused me to draw back a lot. It's one thing talking about loving somebody else's kids, it's another to actually do it. She doesn't know them very well, either, if you only get them weekends.

There's really no way of knowing exactly what the issue is unless she tells you. If you ask her what you or your kids are doing to make her feel this way and she won't tell you, that's a red flag.

You would probably benefit from seeing a therapist together. She may admit something there in a "safe" place that she would not to just you. Try not to get angry with her because this will just shut her down and you'll never get any information. I know it's hurtful for you...step-families are hard. Unfortunately, we don't realize just how hard until we're actually living it. Also, don't talk to her about it while your kids are there. She will be on edge. Wait until she's back to her "normal" self.

I want to add one thing. That newborn is your child as much as hers. Your kids have every right to see and hold that baby. Like the others said, just make sure they're clean, hands washed, clean clothes, not sick, etc. Seriously, these days, everybody and their brother go to the hospital when a baby is born and that child is passed around during the first few hours of life. I think the baby will be ok!

Good luck. I hope you get some answers. Keep us posted.

I have read just the ops comments and I have to say that it sounds like you are looking for anything that you might be doing wrong or your kids are doing wrong and you let them. As you keep turning this back on her kid which just sounds like you are resentful of.

It sounds like to me that since you are making it sound like you are resentful of her dd that it is making her resentful of your kids. With every suggestion these ladies are making you have turned it into a reason that it can;t be true but it is true with her dd. I am seeing where you sound like the resentful one not her. That could be her main problem especially of you are a totally different person when you kids are there. But also your kids could be doing things when you aren't around.

If you really want to fix this you better find out what it that YOU are doing to make her feel this way.

Not trying to come across as harsh but some times that is what it takes to get someone to see that perhaps they really ARE the problem. Not saying that you are but as I have read all your comments it seems that you aren't willing to see that you have done anything wrong at all. No one is perfect and every one has something they can work on I just feel that you aren't willing to see that perhaps you might hove done something or lack there of to make her feel that way.

Do you have good talks with her, ie. listen...really listen? I was married to a man for many years who sounds a lot like you, he always thought his perspective was right and didn't listen to mine.
Also a woman's home should be her safe haven and if your kids coming over makes her feel like her haven is being invaded then she will retreat to where she feels safe, her room, and take her kids with her. Maybe your kids just drive her nuts. My bf's kids drive me nuts. I spend most of my time alone upstairs in my room or livingroom. They are mostly downstairs in the rec room. For a year when we first met we had a small apartment and I was forced to be in the same room with his kid and I spent a lot of time working, sleeping and finally moved a tv into my room. It doesn't mean his kid is bad it's just his behaviors drive me nuts. I am a compulsively clean person and his kids are compulsively filthy. BF doesn't see it and thinks I over react.
I think her "threats" to move back home are a cry for help. She is obviously not happy when your kids are around. So maybe just let it be. Just don't push your kids on her and the baby for now. Try to teach them respect for her and her home and help when she is around with cleaning, cooking and discipline.
Actively listen to her needs and also realize hormones can play havoc on us new moms.

About the cultural differences, and being here alone....I moved here when I was 20 and had to adapt to how things work here.
If this was a man, coming from a place where men treat women in a way that we disapprove of, would we give him a pass for coming from somewhere else? Would we say, oh come on, he's lonely in this country and and he comes from a place where things are different...I don't think so. We'd say, please get it together, you are here now, this isn't a place where you get to continue whatever traditions and habits that you over in your homeland.
Treating a woman with these kind of issue like a delicate little flower that is entitled to her tantrums and selfish/weird behavior, is actually demeaning to us women and sets us back a few generations. Here we claim equality and then demand to be able to act like little kids.
She sounds like she needs some help that OP may not be qualified to give her. She needs therapy and she also needs to understand that talk of leaving the country with OP's kid, is serious stuff and will not be tolerated.
I understand that the cultural difference makes it harder to get some of this through to her, but if it cannot be done, OP is better off getting a lawyer and making sure his rights as a parent are ensured.
I would start writing down all "episodes" and keeping track of the behavior.

The only word that comes to my mind about your wife-in spanish-

OPORTUNISTA.

DO you make a decent income? She found an older guy to take care of her, her kid, support her, give her a green card and ticket out-now she can use the baby as the anchor and threaten. Bi-polar, post partum, something...

I lived in Latin America also-men can be often agressive and even abusive. They will not tolerate misbehavior like that 'histerica' persona she's putting off.

And may this be a lesson to you-first of all a long distance relationship is almost always destined to fail, particularly with a blended family. There was no 'adjustment' of REAL life-just the 'fantasy'. You may have married a lemon, an oportunista at that. Get a good lawyer-that's my advice.

My observation (and I could be wrong, I am just telling you what I get from your post) is that you are a guilty dad and that will surely piss off any SM, especially one who just had a baby. It gets really old to have your marriage put on the backburner every time the skids walk in the door. My DH does the same thing and we have SD 50/50. I feel like I have a part time husband. It's awful. You say she isn't specific but I am telling you, it sometimes is hard to explain. You just feel DIFFERENT when the skids are there. They aren't our kids. We aren't getting the attention and affection from our husband that we would be getting if the skids weren't there. Regardless of whether she likes your kids or not, OF COURSE she wishes it were just you, her, and your baby together. That's a very natural feeling. I wish my skid didn't exist too. Everyone may not say it, but I bet you almost all SMs FEEL it.

Your wife has given you signs , has talked to you and asked you for help. You did not take her seriously and are intent on labeling her as jealous, depressed etc. For a change try to be compassionate, considering, caring and loving. Listen, hold her and tell her you understand her and love her and explain to her how much she means to you. Allow her time to open up and try not to judge her. She needs you and feels deeply insecure, unloved and uncared for. A secure, loved, cared for women does not behave in the way your wife behaves. She is deeply unhappy in this marriage.You have to take your responsibility and let go of your desire to be right and blaming her as wrong and jealous. Try to walk in her shoes and understand how she feels. Judging and blaming her and calling her jealous is what makes her feel the way she feels.

There is no real reason for this issue: Your missing something. Sorry - but women just dont lock themselves up, and dont engage without a reason! Maybe your kids are irritating the hell out of her, and she doesnt know how to tell you! Obviously there is something going on with your kids, that isnt visable! I too lock myself away when my step daughter is over. Maybe the way you change when your kids are over (no, you wouldnt notice). Do you become overly friendly? Do you make breakfast when you wouldnt normally? Pancakes... stuff like that. Do you do more "family time" when your kids are over, but not when your kids are gone! There has to be something!

I have isolated myself too. My stepkids are dirty little ignorant pigs. Maybe you should really take a good look around and see what might really be going on.

Plus your wife just had a baby. Hormones, sleepless nights. Give her a break.

It take time to blend a family and having these types of homes can bring about alot of feelings. \lack of sleep and support does not always help.

Take it from me. My step kids are ignorant and inconsiderate around the baby. they scream and yell and fight when the baby is trying to sleep. I had about enough with them. Maybe she has too.,