SD14's bedroom at our place
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Hi all,
Since SD14 has basically moved into her mom's place (for the past 5-6 wks she hasn't contacted DH at all), would it be ok for me to ask DH if we can take all of her things from the spare room over to her place? I'd like to decorate it as a guest room.
She basically has a beanbag chair, a couple dresser drawers of clothes and this stupid glider rocking chair that "is her favorite because her mommy rocked her to sleep and nursed her in it when she was a baby".
Would I be out of line if I just brought this up to DH? He says he's done all he can and she showed him she could care less if he's in her life at all this weekend when he went by to give her a birthday card.
What do you all think?
You can ask. But don't be
You can ask. But don't be suprised when DH takes it wrong and gets mad at you. I would give it a few more months before I ask him that question.
Or better yet...tell him that you are just thinking of redoing that room if SD is not going to use it any longer. Se what he says to that.
Yeah, that's more of how I'd
Yeah, that's more of how I'd approach him. I was going to say something along the lines of "since SD isn't using the spare room anymore, can we redecorate it?" and gauge his response. If he responds favorably, I would then say that we should take SD's things to her home so she can have her stuff with her.
I would have DH text or call
I would have DH text or call SD explaining that you guys want her stuff out....give her the chance to pick it up and if she doesn't respond or show up within a given amount of time throw it away!!
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I could see doing this with a 18 year old. But not a 14 year old.
I would probaby wait longer
I would probaby wait longer too. 5-6 weeks is a bit premature to expect a dad to accept that his relatonship with his mid is over forever. I would probaby give it six months with no contact before I broached the "your daughter is never coming back, lets get rid of her room" conversation.
Do you have somewhere
Do you have somewhere (basement, storage shed, etc.) where you could store her stuff for a period of time? If so, maybe you could just sloooowly move her stuff there little by little, and it could just happen without a lot of fanfare. That way you have her stuff if she pitches a fit.
No, unfortunately, we're in
No, unfortunately, we're in an apartment. We JUST signed a new 1 yr lease and DH did say "if I would've known SD was going to be this way, we could've moved into a 1 bedroom apt and saved us a ton of money!"
So I think he'd be ok with moving her stuff out and turning it into a guest room.
But no, we have no extra storage room or sheds or anything like that. Again, she only has a few things in there, but it's enough that I can't cram it all into the closet and pretend it's not there.
I was actually going to see
I was actually going to see if DH would respond favorably to the idea of redoing the spare room and if so, tell him that since SD's things are in there, wouldn't she rather have her stuff at her house, and go from there
Sounds like this would work!
Sounds like this would work!
See, that's what I'm
See, that's what I'm thinking. This girl has done nothing but backstab and hurt us and she knows damn well wrong from right. I figure, what can it hurt for her to take some of her things home where she can use them on a daily basis? She's already made it perfectly clear she isn't comfortable at our place, doesn't want to be there and frankly, hasn't spoken to her dad in more than a month.
He shows up at her place Saturday to give her a birthday card after not getting any response to his multiple texts, emails, calls, etc and she won't even get out of the car to hug him? Says "what do you want?" Not, "I miss you, I love you or even FFFF you"...
So yeah, if you decide you want to live with your mom, why should you have anything of yours at your dad's? That's how I feel about it.
Wait...what?!? He ended up
Wait...what?!? He ended up taking her a card after all....and she treated him like that????
What did he have to say about it when he got back home?
Yeah, we were out on Friday
Yeah, we were out on Friday night, his dad calls and says "I heard from SD, she wants me to take her to dinner tomorrow for her birthday". Mind you, she hasn't seen granddaddy since Father's Day and hasn't returned any of his calls or texts either. So, granddaddy tries to get us to meet them for a birthday lunch for SD at the great-grandparent's home Saturday at 1pm. DH politely declined, citing the fact that she never responded to him at all and pretty funny that she waits until a DAY before her birthday to contact anyone in his family. Plus, we'd already made plans for Saturday.
Since we met at the restaurant Friday night and drove separately, he said he was going to drop her birthday card off at her place and meet me at the grocery store right up the road to finish our shopping. I go ahead to the store and he's there right after me. Says he got to SD's mom's place, mom was in passenger side of her Jeep, SD in back seat and some GUY getting into the driver's seat. Well, mom claimed she wouldn't date, much less introduce SD to another man prior to SD turning 18...guess she moved her timeline up eh?
So, DH goes to back of Jeep and taps on the window to get SD's attention. Did she get out to hug daddy, whom she hasn't seen or talked to in more than a month? NOPE! She rolls down the window and asks him "what do you want?" He gave her the birthday card, said hope you have a good birthday tomorrow, love you, miss you and hope to hear from you again soon! And walks off.
Saturday, he texts her Happy Birthday babygirl, I love you. No response. She never showed for birthday lunch at granddaddy's either...no call, no response. Yeah, piece of work!
So I think he'd be ok with
So I think he'd be ok with moving her stuff out and turning it into a guest room.
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Danger...FYI - this is what will happen if you make this into a nice guest room. SD will probably start watning to come back over and then the nice guest room turns into SD's room!!
LOL Murphy's Law at it's
LOL Murphy's Law at it's finest...:)
Yeah, we tried to let her
Yeah, we tried to let her decorate it as she saw fit but she never hung pictures or personalized the room in any way, because she said she "already has a bedroom at her mom's place".
I honestly don't think it would be a big deal for DH to take her the last few items and turning it into a guest room. We'll see what he thinks when I ask him tonight
I wouldn't bring it up to DH
I wouldn't bring it up to DH just yet. It's only been a few weeks. That might be like rubbing salt in his wounds.
I dont know-only you can
I dont know-only you can answer this. My ss14 moved out at the end of June. His room is now bright pink and my 10 year old lives in there. Within a week after him leaving, we had already bought the paint and proceeded to plan to move her in there. I wasnt going to let a room of my house go unused or make my girls share when there was a room sitting empty in case ss14 came back someday.
Of course when he moved in initially-it was my ds13's room. We moved him downstairs in the basement and displaced him, bought ss new bedding, a tv, put a game system in there-it was the first time in skids' life where he had a room to himself. His comment after a couple of weeks? "I hate this room anyway".
WOW! Horrible!
WOW! Horrible!
Called DH on my break. Asked
Called DH on my break. Asked him how he'd feel about redoing the spare room into a guest room. He's all for it. Even called our apartment complex and asked if there was a 1 bedroom available to move into, since we no longer need the 2nd bedroom. Says he's done, turning over a new leaf.
If SD decides she wants to be a part of DH's life again, she can park her ass on the couch or the inflatable mattress on the living room floor!
He's texting her and her mom tonight and letting them know he'll be by to drop her things off and that's it.
Thanks for your response.
Thanks for your response. Yes, I think he was thinking of moving on long before me. I tend to hold onto things (read: anger and resentment) longer than he does. He knows this kid and knows BM and realized a while back that he's not playing their games any longer.
He told me the day he married me, we needed to strive to put our marriage #1, above anything and everyone else. And he meant it.
He said if she decides to come back, she'll be more than welcome to her choice of the couch or the air mattress (if we move into a 1 bdrm) or can have the spare room decorated as is.
Let's hope this kid matures one day!
Well, if she doesn't live
Well, if she doesn't live with you, she could use the GUEST bedroom, as she would be a guest in your home. Yes, some fathers get offended and so do BMs, but really, that is what she is. Heck, my sister has a two bedroom apt...one bedroom is used by whichever kid decides to stay with her...nobody cares...nobody complains...I think it's the way that the dad or the crazy BM looks at it. To my sister, her kids and even her ex, it is what it is...no issues.
Normally you can break a
Normally you can break a lease by paying a extra months rent or forfeiting your deposit. Check your lease or call the landlord.
If your savings on a 1 bedroom makes up for the lost rent/deposit you can move now and get rid of her furniture one way or another.
Called our apartment complex.
Called our apartment complex. There will be several 1 bedroom apartments opening up come October. All we have to do is pay a small security deposit and we can transfer our lease from the 2 bdrm to the 1.
We'll save $200 per month just in rent alone by moving to a 1 bedroom. DH is all for it. Sucks we'll be moving 2x in a year (our main plan is to move to the east coast by this time next year).
DH dropped off SD's things to her last night but no one was there. He left it all in front of the garage. It was just the glider rocker and a small box full of clothes and knicknacks. He never received a response from either BM or SD.
He's ready to move on now and told me it hurts like crazy but hurts more to talk about it. Now, therein lies my issue! I WANT to talk about it because it makes me feel better getting the anger and resentment off my chest. I just have to be sure to talk to others and not him. He said until this kid contacts him, he doesn't want anyone mentioning her at all. Oh boy...
It's like you and I share the
It's like you and I share the same brain and emotions! I feel exactly the same. He wants to just be rid of everything and forget everything and I want to talk it through, even though there's really nothing that can be done/changed about the situation. That's what he tells me anyway.
I'm angry and resentful that this kid has been so horrible to us when all we ever did was provide for her. We did our best! Took her places, bought her things, spent time with her, tried to keep her relationships up with his family, etc. All she does is backstab, lie and talk shit about us. Honestly, I can easily say I can't stand this kid. I haven't liked her from the first few months of our relationship when I saw how much control she had over her dad and how she tried to control ME...
It has to be a "guy" thing. Us women talk things through, guys just clam up and pretend everything is hunky dory!
I'm just glad I found this site and all of you! Even though I'm not having to deal with SD14 directly anymore, it sure is nice to share stories and get advice on how to handle things as they come up.
Guess instead of bothering DH about SD, I can always just post here! At least it gets it out and off my chest.