Engagement Put on Hold Because of SD
My fiance and I have been dating for 3 years and always have issues with his adult SD (yes, his step daughter lives with him - no blood relation). Last week, the worst happened. We all went to New York, my DD and I helped the SD with her luggage because she had a baby in tow. NOT A SINGLE THANK YOU FROM HER. Then the whole time she didnt say a word to me and when I was walking out the airport behind her dad, she rolled the baby stroller so close behind me that I had to step aside and let her pass otherwise it would have hit my foot. Again, not a word.
The next day, my fiance called his SD and I to a room to talk. Not sure why he also invited his father to the talk, so it was 3 of them...and myself. I was very calm and she was so defensive and said she will not apologize to me. I just wanted to end the conversation because she has lied so much already that it's not even worth sharing my precious space with her. Oh btw, fiance said "if this goes out of hand, I will dump the 2 of you!!" Wth??
After the talk, I expressed my disappointment to my fiance and told him that my happiness cannot be compromised because of his SD. It turned into a huge fight, he yelled at me to "pack!!" He ran into the room after me and immediately took the engagement ring from the dresser. He was in my face saying "awwww, do you want another pity party??" I just lost my job but not once did I ever mention my problem during the vacation because I didnt want to ruin the trip. Anyway, I finally erupted and yelled back at him. He calmed down, apologized,and wanted to give the ring back. I refused because at that moment, I really wanted out.
While at the airport, he told me to stay the night at his house so he can show me how he will scold his SD. I told him it really didnt matter to me anymore - matter of fact, "I really dont give a sh*t."
Well, fast forward, even though we're still engaged, he's still hanging on to the ring. He said he wont give it back until we discuss the "rules of engagement." I mean really?? Another talk?? I feel that he's using that ring as a bait until I admit I learned my lesson. Uhm no thanks. At this point, even though I love him so much and he's been extremely kind to me and my daughter, it's still not enough to marry him. He has not assured me there will be changes from his SD. Seems he expects changes to come from me. I missed a call from his SD but I have no intention of returning her call. Enough already!
I am sad though. I had hoped for a life with him, now I'm not sure anymore.
Btw, 3 days after we got back from NY, I was offered the dream job! Ha! Take that!
Chibby
Hugs! I'm really sorry,
Hugs! I'm really sorry, that's just so hard. I'm just not sure he's worth all the heart ache that comes with step families, esp after he threw you under the bus like that in front of SD and FIL. It wasn't you and he united, it was them united. It has taken me a few years to finally feel my DH knows me well enough that he no longer allows me to be treated poorly and says nothing. Still, him doing this for years did tremendous damage to our relationship. I'm only saying that to say you may want to just cut your losses given how little he sticks up for you. I had a client who had a wife the other day and noticed that they both referred to his grandkids as "theirs". I was curious about how this happened as they seemed happy and this couple married in their 50's (both had kids). I told him what happened to me with my situation and he said simply "I never would have allowed that. If there was any crap towards my wife I stopped it immediately (not verbatim)". Anyway, I could tell it had really helped and wished my husband had had that attitude. I think that's one of the only ways it really works.
Your fiance doesn't sound like he has your back and is controlling. I just think he may be more trouble than he's worth in terms of relationship.
Oh holy Hell No. He's trying
Oh holy Hell No.
He's trying to emotionally blackmail you, he's putting your happiness on a lower level than that of a grown-ass woman that isn't related to him, he's verbally abusing you, he's behaving like a childish ass on top of it and now he's basically taken a toy from you until you agree to follow his rules?
I'm not sure why you're still engaged. I know you say you love him, but it sure as hell does not sound like he loves you. He may have been kind in otherwise, but what you described is not the behavior or a 'kind person', it is the behavior of a manipulative, immature person.
I am so sorry for you about his stupidity. I however, would be Incredibly sure that my future would not contain him. He has shown you who he really is, please believe him because you deserve better.
Congrats on the job too, btw!!!
NewWife: My fiance is black
NewWife: My fiance is black and his SD is Japanese (her mom stole his money and didnt want to go with her when fiance threw her out). She has a sister and she's really cool. I am just soooooo happy that I still have the freedom to choose who I welcome into my world. Trust me, Im sure the neighbors also think it's f'ked up seeing 2 asian girls living with a big black man. Ewwwwww....
MAY I ADD!! When we were stuck on the plane, I asked him to take a walk with me. He said he'll stay because he doesnt want to leave his SD and her DS by herself. Uhmmm, there are so many people on the plane including the flight attendants. What type of danger can she be in?? HOWEVER, when my 14-year old was left alone in my house one night because my brother and SIL was stuck in traffic, he said I shouldnt make a big deal, she's already 14. Did I say WTF!!
Arrrgghhhhh Im so angry, I dont even want to answer his calls right now! Go away!
chibby, darlin, I'm glad you
chibby, darlin, I'm glad you see the writing on the wall, so to speak. You have a whole wonderful life ahead of you. Yes...you are going to be SAD. VERY.SAD. But please - let yourself be sad and then pick yourself up and move on.
This man isn't going to change - he will never put you first.
^^^Oh I like the part about
^^^Oh I like the part about "tasting that salty stuff himself"...That is is very creative.
The dream job is your sign -
The dream job is your sign - your sign to put everything else behind you, grab your DD and start from a clean slate.
Congratulations on your dream job - do not hesitate - it might be just what you need to clear your mind and start a new exciting life.
^^^Yes. Yes. Yes,. You
^^^Yes. Yes. Yes,. You definitely need to ask "point blank, if he is fucking the bitch". Recently, I asked my ex-fiance the same question, "Did he have inappropriate relations (physical incest) with his daughter?", and he would NOT say, NO. Instead he turned on me, and stated, "(I) was a nut". The following weekend I referred to the same question, and asked for a "Yes or No", and he glared at me, with stony silence. I always heard silence was admission of guilt. Since then, I have not viewed the relationship the same. I knew he commited emotional incest with his daughter; History; His daughter (Imagine daughter-wife scenario) did not get along with her bio-mom, so he moved her into a all expenses paid apartment plus car, when she was just seventeen years old, until about the age 25 yo. Then he could not afford his own apartment so he moved in with his parents so he could live "rent free". He also bought his daughter about five new and nearly new cars because she kept wrecking them. He gave his daughter $25,0000 for her wedding to marry a man who stays at home to take care of their child. Shortly after her marriage to her husband, daughter would return (She has a key) to her fathers house to take baths in her father's master bathtub, hang her bath-robe in her father's master closet, and steal (2x) the clothing items belonging to his girlfriend (me). His daughter32 has now been on the payroll of her father's company for the last seven years. She has never earned a dime due to her own abilities. She has a much younger brother who her father treats completely different, with the father expecting him to be on his own. etc. etc. Father stated to me, "She had control over him". I'm kinda hurting too (heavy heart). We just broke up, last weekend, for good. I am not going to play and lose at the game; "Put up and shut up, take the backseat", so him and his daughter can sit in the front seat.
If I ask him if he's had any
If I ask him if he's had any physical relationship with his SD, he will surely hate me for the rest if his life, and so will his entire family for even thinking of something "inconceivable." Im dying to find out though but I know I'll never know the truth.
I will never know the truth
I will never know the truth either. What man would confess to such a crime. We know the statistics though; One in four girls are molested with the majority of the cases being a male family member.
he is an aashole, I would
he is an aashole, I would leave:(
LOVE THE REPLIES! I actually
LOVE THE REPLIES! I actually forwarded it to my phone so I can read it each morning or whenever he calls.
Only thing I'm disappointed about is the 3 years I've invested in this relationship. But then that's 3 years of knowledge and experience! Oh well.
Oh well consider it a
Oh well consider it a learning experience. Roll with the punches...Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on with living your life. You will be in my thoughts; Good luck with the new job. The four way conference with him, his step daughter, you and his dad would have creepd me out.
Agreed!!!
Agreed!!!
"Rules of engagement"
"Rules of engagement" ????????????? WTF????
CONTROL ISSUES MUCH?
get out of this one!
He is so disrespectful I am
He is so disrespectful I am speechless. Unless you are into high drama and being last in line, seems like you better make a run for it!!!
I know, something's just
I know, something's just weird to me. At first i thought i was being malicious or dirty-minded but i cant help shake the thought of inappropriateness.
No, the baby isnt his. My fiance is black and his SD is Japanese, her baby-daddy/bf is Hispanic, the baby looks just like his father. Whew!
Glad I posted my problem
Glad I posted my problem here. Thank you so much, I cant stop reading your advice again and again. I am so thankful to have my own house, car, good job, great friends, and most of all, a very grounded, kind-hearted, incredibly funny, and respectable 14yo daughter. I can only be severely insane to even imagine marrying this arrogant fool and lose all of these!
The three years is gone
The three years is gone either way. Surely you know the old adage about throwing good money after bad.
Your new job is indeed a rescue. You're a independent, self supporting woman, you don't need crap like this from any man. There must be a million men in NYC alone available and ready to marry for the first time or at least childless. Lets stick to the ones without all the drama.
newwife I agree, I think
newwife I agree, I think there's some kind of very wierd thing going on with your fiance and his SD. I would leave and leave now...YUCK
Oh no, that is really shitty
Oh no, that is really shitty of him to do that. I'm not sure what to think of the comment that he will dump the 2 of you... Does he not see you as an equal? And another talk about the rules of your engagement?!?! Tell him to shove the ring you know where!
Congratulations on the new job. When one door closes another one opens