Yeah probably wasn't the best thing to do and his dad should of been the one to do so. There will likely be backlash from BM big time tell DH asap it can't be undone so be prepared. Next time something like that comes up tell him to ask his dad or mom.

You know what? Who cares if bm is mad-it sounds as if everything you said is true. He is 13-surely he was aware that mom receives some sort of support for him. kids tend to figure out a lot of this on their own as they get this age and you just gave him facts, correct? I would think you stepped over the line if you called his bm a lazy, no good whore-but if you just said she collects x amount of child support and receives govt assistance then all you did was state a fact.

I remember when ss was about 12 and made some disparaging comments about the selection of food we had in the house. Not taht we didnt have plenty, but just none apparently to his liking. I popped off that we cant cater to his needs all the time because food is expensive and not everyone receives food stamps. He knew, I was of course, talking about his bm. Then I launched into the whole wastefulness thing as he was very wasteful with his food-which apparently is ok if you are receiving free breakfasts and lunches at school and are on food stamps at home. Oops. But I didnt say anything that was not true and I did not specifically say anything bad about his bm.

Probably should have let DH handle the CS talk but if your delivery was pleasant and matter-of-fact then maybe the backlash won't be that bad. I'd tell your DH ASAP, before BM or SS13 tell him. Just explain to him what happened and ask forgiveness, nobody's perfect. I envy you, there are so many times I would like to explain to my skids how things really are

My DH had this conversation with SS15 & SS10 a couple of years back when SS15 complained about how BM was spending all "her" money on an activity for SS10 and it wasn't fair.

DH shot back that it was his money that was paying for it and that SS15 should stay out of it because BM also let him (SS15) do a lot of expensive activities as well. Then DH explained how CS works. They come to DH with CS questions occasionally but BM has never said anything to DH, so I don't even know if the skids said anything to her about it.

Maybe your SS13 won't mention it to BM.

~BettyRay

Ok... I completely understand this.

SS asks us all of the time why we can't just "call in sick to work" so we can stay home with them. Many times we have told him "responsible adults work, and they GO to work every day. I can't lie to my boss and say that I am sick when I am not sick. What if I lose my job? Then who would pay for baseball, and our house with a pool".

Never did I say "your mom is lazy" or "she NEEDS to be at work but chooses not to, and that's why she lives in a shit hole of a house". I just give him very NON specific FACTS. How are our kids supposed to learn that you HAVE to work, when their mom's don't unless we TELL them? Especially for us where BM's BF doesn't work either, oh and BM's adult brother that lives with them. They all sit at home and collect of the government. It is OUR responsibilty to raise our kids to be responsible tax paying law abiding adults.

At 13 he's old enough to understand why and form his own opinion. You're probably right to think that it would've been best for his dad to tell him about it, but what's done is done and the bottom line is now he knows the reality of the situation.

Ok. I am going to say this. I haven't read any of your blogs but this 13 year old boy calls to invite his father and you to his fall concert that must of been important to him and you lecture him!!!

He wasn't asking anything from your husband or you but to attend his fall concert.

Do you seriously think that a 13 year old played over in his mind about all the aspects of asking you and DH to take a day or a few hours or maybe just a long lunch from work???

Maybe you could have said I will talk to your father and see if there is some way possible we can arrange it but we do have responsibilities. Then let his father explain about the whole CS, mom's working not working, etc.

Just sayin...

Did you lie? No. The truth hurts and although perhaps it should have been your DH to explain it, the opportunity was there, it sounds like you explained it matter of fact - good for you.

13 is old enough. I had my first after school job at 13. He is not a moron. You didn't explain anything that wasn't true.

YOU say you feel like you crossed the line so I would go with my gut feeling.

Sometimes it isn't always in what we say but our tone of voice or the emotions behind what we say that says it all.

I don't understand why we are expected to pussy foot around the truth. Kids need to learn what life is about. That is why this world is going to the crapper. "Oh, don't tell little Johnny that's he's going to have to WORK when he is an adult, and that it isn't ok to just call in when ever he wants to, we don't want to scare him, and hurt his widdle feewings" Puh-lease. Maybe some of these kids needs a good dose of REALITY so they don't end up like their lazy ass BM's.

One of the most respectable men I have ever met in my life was DH's Grandfather who passed away in August. That man had it together. I tell you what, he did not pussy foot around the truth. He would tell you how it is, and DH LOVED that about him. He took his advice and RAN with it. MIL hated this about her dad, he was "mean" and "expected her to be perfect" no, he expected you to be RESPONSIBLE and TAKE CARE OF YOUR SHIT. And he wasn't afraid to say so. MIL is currently a complete CRACK HEAD. Loser, addicted to pills her husband is in jail, she is trash... DH who excepted grandfathers advice and put on his big boy panties and LISTENED to the TRUTH, is successful and respectable. And grandfather was very proud of him.

I for one refuse to raise a loser. I will NOT let SS think that staying at home and collecting tax payers dollars is an exceptable way of life. It isn't. And if widdle BM gets her widdle feewing hurt by what I say, then TOO EFFING BAD.

icanttakeit--- I don't see any problem with pointing out the obvious as long as it was kept in general terms. I had a simular discussion several years back when I was raising my DH's 11 yr. old grandson. He asked why his friend had every electronic gadget a child could want. Why did his friend have such great vacations, toys,clothes,and everything in life was noticeably better. [ and why was he not getting the same]

Did not feel one bit bad about clueing him into the facts of life. The friend's parents had made different choices then his own mother. They were college educated, professional people with good paying jobs. They chose to only have one child. They waited to plan a family after they were financially stable, It all came down to the choices his parents made.

He was already aware that his own mom never married, had 3 children with 3 different guys. worked minimum wage jobs , had not finished high school. Although he had a better life with us then his mom, it still didn't hurt to let him know the choices adults make will determine the childs lifestyle. At the time if his mom had made better choices then his life could have been different.

Although you feel guilty, the kid thought you guys were CHOOSING not to go. You explained the facts and logically laid it out, and he understood. I'm sure he does not think less of BM, but now, he does not think less of you two for missing his school events.

I understand where you were coming from.At the same time I am receiving some child support from my ex husband for my three children and I am working and running my own business.I supported my ex for so many years when he pursued his University carreer while trying to combine work and looking after a young family.He is therefore on a much better wage.Both of us were left with some financial obligations to pay and the little CSA and the money I am making helps with mortgage payments and all the basics for the children that I have most of the time with me.
The other day my daughter asked her dad if he could contribute a little bit to her driving lessons, too, and he gave her a talk about the CSA he pays to me and I should pay for all of it.I of course pay for all their needs and hobbies , but I just can't afford to pay all the driving or even a car for her!!!Thanks god my daughter is earning, too and we go half with her lessons now. But the way he talked to my daughter makes me look like the bad guy though she has no clue how expensive everything is and how much I struggle to do my best ever day.

When my BS18 was around that age(12-13) he used to constantly tell me "well dad gives you $XX.00 a week!" when he asked for something I couldnt afford.
Apparently his dad decided he should know how much he gave in support,. I tried explaining to him how much his health insurance, football camps, football gear, school lunches, books, gas to get him to all his events, food, spending money while at the events, monthly prescriptions, clothing, shoes, etc cost about 3 times a week in what his dad was paying in CS. But my kid really didnt get it, even after all the explaining, My kid actually thought I should give him the $XX.00 each week to pay for what he wanted! Now of course he understands and he started to get a clue at about 15 or 16. But geesh, I wanted to wring his neck at the time

You said you felt like you had crossed the line with him, so you probably did. Only you know exactly what you said and how you said it, and let's be honest. You were mad at the time. I get it. The frustration of these situtions builds and builds and you just let fly because the opportunity presented itself.

I disagree that 13 is old enough to be told about family finances, I think the ins and outs of finances are adult business and children only need to know if you can or cannot afford something end of story.

However, as I said I get why you would do what you did, and we all have a breaking point. I would definately tell your DH before SS says something to BM and she gets onto your husband. Better it comes from you. It was definately up to his parents to decide if they wanted him to know about CS not you.

That being said, what's done is done, so best bring your husband up to speed on it all. I am not trying to critisize you for this, not at all. I do understand how frustrasting this all can be. I feel the way I do about it because he is only 13 and as I said before I don't think discussing money with kids is right. That is just my personal opinion though.

I'm sure your husband will understand.

I don't see anything wrong with this...sk's CONSTANTLY tell us "mommy has no money" - mommy is receiving CS for both of you...lives with a guy who pays for everything. SHE works. She's driving a brand new Suburban...she's got a HUGE honkin new tattoo on her arm...and ALWAYS her hair and nails done so if you're momma doesn't have money it's because she is spending it on herself...

"Well - Mom says Dad doesn't give her money..."

- We explained to the girls of course he does - why else would he be stuck living with grandma and pap? Why else can't be afford to get his truck fixed or get a nicer vehicle? Clearly half of his pay goes to YOUR MOM. We explained that she has a special card - and when daddy gets paid every two weeks - money from his pay automatically goes on this card...

I just don't understand how they can say she doesn't have money? They know the things she does costs money!!!!!!!! - She gets their nails done and gets massages? They DO know these things don't come free???