I like my DHs kids, but I don't LOVE them. What makes things complicated is the disdain I feel for the mother. It is also very apparent that they know how to pull at DHs heartstrings and that can get annoying.
I think that being in a relationship with a person that has children is already complex and having ill feelings towards that persons offspring is never a good thing.
A parent can't help but take that personal. "How can you love me and hate my child?" That would be MY question. Maybe it's easier for me because my DHs kids aren't complete dipshits. They do dumb shit like ALL kids do and since I can relate to that because of my own kids, I am more forthcoming and more in tune with the complicated triangle of the whole SKID thing.
If I said I hated my DHs kids, I'd be lying.

I liked SD14 at first. She didn't show her true colors until she found out a bit into mine and her father's relationship, that I wasn't going anywhere. Once we became serious as a couple, she turned up the mini wife, jealous, possessiveness and saw me as a major threat. It all went downhill from there.

So, I loved him long before I couldn't stand his kid. I told him I'm pretty much done trying with her, after all she's done to us and to him individually. I have never said HE couldn't have a relationship with her (and he's tried, she rejects him) but I'm pretty much over the kid.

Now, if she changes and decides to grow up and mature, I'll likely try again. As of right now though, I'm done.

Maybe I see this topic a little different than some people, I come from a family with many "step" relatives, and blood does not make family. I couldn't imagine being with someone with children and not atleast having some sort of feeling for the kids. I have 2 skids ages 6 and 9 and I honestly love them very much. DH has custody of them, and they're with us all except for 2hrs a week. After having them with us, I think I'd be lost without them. Our relationship wasn't always positive and still isn't, it's taken plenty of understanding and accepting to get as far as me and the skids have. When youre with someone the children are part of the package and I think people should accept that from the beginning or walk away. I recently joined this site and I'm honestly shocked and the opinion of a lot of people about their skids.. I'm not saying like or love them.. But atleast accept them! After all they are apart of your SO.

Sometimes we have already fallen in love with our SO's/DH's before we meet their kids because people don't immediately bring their kids into their post-divorce relationships. Even when they do, it's rarely a "full on" experience. It's more often that they are gradually introduced to our lives so we don't know that we don't like them; that takes time. Many people assume if they love their DH, they'll probably really like the kid too; naive or not, when one is optimistically in new love, they think all kinds of positives. We forget there's another Parent involved with the raising who may not be any where near as likable as the one Parent we love. Lol

The whole "we should love" them is silly in my opinion. These are individual people with their own personalities. Just because they are little or minors it doesn't mean we immediately love them as if we're some kind of Julie Andrews. This is especially true if the Parents don't get along and/or are raising them poorly. IF we like them in general, that's great. If we don't naturally like them (and are not bat ass crazy ourselves) then it's okay BUT we cannot mistreat them or get in way of our Spouse in raising them. We can't let our own unfounded or pre-existing issues damage a child that's innocent and have nothing to do with our issues. I've definitely known some StepParents like that; hating kids and Ex's for no real reason. But for the majority of us, liking or loving the kids is not a given.

In my case the kid was 4 and I find it hard to dislike a 4yr old. It was about 2 years in, around age of 6 that I started to see what kind of kid he is as he matured and at same time, I got to know the Wildebeest that birthed him better and realized he was very much like her. It makes it all the more difficult for me to bond with him in any way. I've tried every angle over the past 2 years to find a connection, to overlook his issues, to feel sorry for him since he doesn't even know his real Dad but it just isn't happening.

Finally, just last night when we took the kid to meet the Wildebeest, I told my DH that I'm sorry but I just can't feel for his previous family as he does. I told him I can't see the child as he does and to please just let me remain neutral in that regard vs trying to make me see him as he does. He's someone else's kid and the Mother is a horror; being neutral is all I can do. He seemed to finally accept that.

My adult SS is pretty irrelevant in my life. I try to keep DH away from the city where he lives as much as possible.

I don't actively dislike him. He's sort of sweet. But he's a bottom feeder of society and makes no attempt to better himself. I just don't particularly want to be around him.

I think it can work in extremely limited circumstances where you hardly ever see the kid.

I think it can work if you are honest with yourself about the trade offs you are making (don't like the kids but your husband is worth it.). I don't think this usually works out though, because I don't think most people are honest with the amount of trouble the skids will bring, and how happy their SO will make them.

I have the same exact story......SD13 at the time was actually nice and it was fine doing things together UNTIL she realized I wasn' going anywhere and showed her true colors

IMO, so much of it depends on the situation...the father's attitude/parenting, the age of the kid(s), etc.

Overall, I think a woman staying in a relationship with a man who's kids she can't stand is setting herself & her man up for a really unhappy future.

Of all the men in the world, if you don't like kids, don't marry a man who has them. If you're in a relationship with a man who's kids you can't stand, why in the world would marry into that? It's not like they're going anywhere...ever. Small or grown, they'll be his kids F.O.R.E.V.E.R.

If he's willing to respect you as his wife & put his kids in their place as necessary, I think it can work. All too often, however, that is not the case.

If he won't nip it while you're dating, don't think it's something that marriage will magically change.

"LOVE" isn't always enough.

If the "kids" are adults, I don't think it matters much at all.

If the "kids" are, in fact, kids, I think it matters quite a bit. In your words, I do believe it is stupid, futile, and a waste of time to link up with someone whose children you despise. It will always be a source of contention in your relationship, and I think it contributes to the far more likely demise of your relationship.

Let's say I fall in love with an active alcoholic. I know he is an alcoholic when I decide to date him. I hate alcoholism, don't drink myself, and absolutely despise drunks. I then find myself "in loooove" with my "soulmate" who drinks like a fish and stumbles around drunk as a skunk with certain regularity.

I'm distraught. I don't want him to be an alcoholic. It is hurting me, destroying me, and stealing my happiness. I try to change him, to show him all the ways and reasons that NOT being an alcoholic can benefit him AND "us." And, yet, he still drinks.

The question is: who do I have to blame for my unhappiness?? In my mind, *I* am to blame. *I* am choosing to put myself in a situation where I am unhappy. *I* don't like drunks, and yet I've chosen to be with one.
WHY?!?

I love my DH but can’t stand my SD. If I could go back in time, I would never be with him. I can’t stand the guilty parenting, the non-stop drama, and just the fact that a child basically runs my household and my life revolves around her. I don’t have any kids of my own so it’s a huge inconvenience. This is why we are near divorce. I resent him and I resent her and I would strongly recommend women (especially those without their own children) do not get involved with men with kids. It’s a constant battle that you will never win.

Well you know where I stand girl......i've been with my hubby for 4 years (married in August)and you know i can't STAND my skid. I am very happy in my marriage, and so I just pretty much 'deal' with skid. I ignore him as much as possible, I do what a step parent needs to do, you know, make sure he's fed and off to school, communicate with drs. etc. for all his special needs.......but "love him" "cuddle him" "bond with him"......NO. Never. Ever. Do I think I will end up divorced over this kid? No, I don't, not at all. I know my husband loves his kid, but I also know he loves me and is willing to do whatever it takes, as am I, to make our marriage and family solid. I just won't ever love his kid. He knows that. He's obviously OK with it, so am I. YOU CAN DO IT GIRL, and a hint, WINE is very helpful in dealing with skids, LOL

If I didn't want to deal with another child I wouldn't have dated BF. When he said he was a fulltime dad I had ample opportunity to excuse myself from the conversation and leave and vice versa. But we choose not to.

I think more people need to be honest with themselves prior to meeting or dating anyone with kids and make sure that is really what they want. Especially those people who don't like kids, only like their own kids or my personal favorite, he/she only has them EOW so they won't really effect me. I hate to break it to people that have any of those 3 feelings; you need to do some deep reflection. Situations can can change on a dime and that child you dislike could be living with you 50/50.

Now with adult stepkids that is a completely different kettle of fish and one I know nothing about.

Just my 2 cents....