Childless Stepmom - An Oxymoron?
I've been reading here for a while, finally decided to post myself. I have been a SM for two years. I have a 10 year old SD. Mostly happy with my situation, strong marriage, good relationship with my SD, my husband handles his ex as best he can, our life is pretty drama-free.
I've been reading a lot about "childless stepmoms." I guess I'd call myself that. But is that an oxymoron?
I always thought I'd be a mom but it just isn't in the cards for me, sadly. I'm grateful to have SD in my life but being a SM is so much harder than I thought it would be. Less rewarding than I thought it would be, more work with my husband than I thought it would be.
Some days are good. Some days I fear my role as SM overshadows my role as wife and that's not okay with me. Some days I throw myself a pity party because I know that I will never experience the mother-child bond. It's hard.
Question for SMs without their own kids: what are the biggest challenges you face? How do you deal with them?
I'll add this: when I'm
I'll add this: when I'm struggling (like today), I remind myself about all the things I'm supposed to love about being a SM. But I just feel like I'm trying to talk myself into feeling something. Know what I mean?
Because at the end of the day, the reality is this: I no longer have the perks of being childless. Those days are gone. And I don't have the perks of being a mom, either. I never will. But I have all the work and responsibility of being a parent.
"If you take on a parenting
"If you take on a parenting role without much of the rewards of having your own biochildren you will begin to feel resentment."
Yes!!! Thank you for that. So simple but something I've totally botched up up until now. Tomorrow's a new day...
I also fully agree with this.
I also fully agree with this. I have none of my own but my BIL9 is here a lot and then when SO is home SS4. I feel like I am constantly checking both homework, doing laundry, cleaning up because I am OCD and sometimes it just gets tiring.
I don't feel like I have complete resentment but I do notice it coming up in spurts. Like tonight SO said something about SS going to school tomorrow and what was needed and I just said I don't know and didn't offer to make his lunch or anything...which I would normally just do without asking. I just ignored it all.
Lately even though SO just got home and so we legit just got SS I don't feel like any of it is my responsibility I don't want to offer anything at this point until I don't want to do anything until I get my time. I need love and I feel that I need to be recognized more than our normal shower together and hugs before I step back into helping with SS. I love SS with all my heart but I refuse to put myself out there without something for myself.
I can't answer your question
I can't answer your question childless, but I want to send you a hug. I couldn't do it. I couldn't live in a world where I couldn't be childless when it came to my schedule and having to attend child things and do the work of raising a child and not get anything in return. I was there and if things had not played out the way they had, I'd have had to leave my dh. I love him dearly and he protects me from most of the stepshit, but I for my sanity, I would have had to leave.
Try to focus on being a wife and on your life and what you love. Find something just for you to do at least once a week and do a date night with your dh at least twice a month. Try to re-connect to being childless instead of trying to immerse yourself into being a SM. You're allowed to be both.
Thanks for the reply (and the
Thanks for the reply (and the hug!). Do you mind if I ask if you have your own child? Sounds like either way you make lots of time for yourself? Is that what you mean by childless time? I can do more of that. I have to, for my own sanity. I've just been preoccupied with setting a strong, clear foundation with my SD. Building a role from scratch.
You know what's hard, too? My husband is a great dad and really supports me, but he will never be required to do what I do. Since I don't have a child of my own, he never has to reciprocate as a stepdad. And he and I will never know what it's like to be parents together.
It's heartbreaking on days like this. I feel like my husband, his ex, and their daughter are a family. I know they're not, I do, but sometimes it doesn't feel that way.
I do have a child now. My dh
I do have a child now. My dh and I adopted a little boy in 2011. He is almost 2. Prior to that I was a SM with infertility issues for 3 years and for nearly 2 years after losing an infant. I almost didn't make it through. If we had not adopted, I would have had to leave. I don't think I could go to children's plays or sporting events and watch all those other parents enjoying their children. I refused to even go to the busstop.
That said, I don't do much for my SD. She has a mother. And a father. My dh works quite a bit, but he is a very involved dad, too. She is here 50% of the time. He does homework. He takes her to her weekly extracurricular. If he isn't here in the evening because of work, he checks homework the following morning. If he isn't here the night of extracurricular, she doesn't go. I do cook and I clean the common areas of the house, but she does her own laundry and dh cleans her bathroom. I am as uninvolved as I can be while supporting my dh and his work. And I like it that way. She doesn't like me disciplining. She doesn't like my rules. She tells her mother I am mean and she hates me. Well, then she gets very little of me.
I do make time for me and my dh is good about it. I exercise in the am before BS wakes up. I read. I have friends. And I mother my child separate from SD.
I put on another post that you don't owe this kid a mother. She has a mother. Your dh chose that woman to be her mother. He and his daughter can deal with the consequences of that. You can be kind. YOu can contribute, but ultimately it is on your terms.
"You don't owe this kid a
"You don't owe this kid a mother. She has a mother. Your dh chose that woman to be her mother. He and his daughter can deal with the consequences of that. You can be kind. You can contribute, but ultimately it is on your terms."
Brilliant advice. Thank you!
I can relate, I thought I
I can relate, I thought I would have my own someday too and for some reason it wasn't in the cards for me either and I fell I love with a man who had 4 children, it has been such a challenge, the bio mom lives in another state and they are all always trading places one will come live for a while and go back then another comes to stay. They treat me alright but not how I expect after 7 years of helping to raise them. I know it's hard for them too but when their mom was dating and lived with her ex they would love on him and call him dad, not that I want them to do that exact thing but I always feel excluded even now my husband is gone with the son that lives with us to visit the other 3 for christmas and staying at the exs and I'm supposed to just sit back and be ok with it. I asked if he would be ok with it and he said if I had 4 kids with someone, ya sure.
What?!? 4stepping, forgive me
What?!? 4stepping, forgive me since I haven't read your other posts but that is CRAZY. After 7 years, I've heard that real bonding can take place. But more importantly - staying at his ex-wife's for the holidays? I don't think that's healthy, I'm sorry I just don't. YOU are his family now, and he needs to find a way to bring the children into that. Not the other way around. I'm so sorry, but I don't think he can say how he would feel in your position. No way.
Right? Since I've never been
Right? Since I've never been married and he will never be a step at least not with me. Of course when trying to talk with him about it I am just insecure and should not feel this way, he sleeps on the couch rented his own car and so on. He makes me feel worse rather than trying to cheer me up. I know he doesn't really want to be there, he hates the area they live in and loves where we live and says he wouldn't go if he didnt have to.
I agree completely.
I agree completely.
Just one day, that's hard! We
Just one day, that's hard! We have 50/50 custody and my SD's mom is very involved. So that's good. But she resents the heck out of me, that's for sure.
She doesn't want me around and tells my husband to tell me to back off. Then the next week she emails me, telling me that my husband is doing a terrible job with her daughter's homework and that I need to step in and tutor her. Needless to say, I didn't respond. I know enough to know that she and I don't need to communicate. That's my husband's job.
I think we must have the same
I think we must have the same BM. I am in the same situation. For the most part it is good but they are young and they haven't gotten past the honeymoon stage yet. I hope they don't. There are days I wonder what it would be like to have my own kids but truthfully I don't really know that I want any of my own. I like what I have going for now but I am sure as it gets older so will my wonderment at it.
Since you like being
Since you like being childfree (as opposed to child-less), can I ask: how much time do you spend with your SKs? I mean, do you make lunches, do laundry, clean rooms, cook dinners, etc? Because I do, and it's exhausting. I can't help but think all this drudgery would be rewarding (or at least be easier to deal with) if the child were my own, if we had that indescribable mother-child bond....
We have them all day, every
We have them all day, every day, without very much break....mom has visit one day a week for 8 hours. Otherwise we have them. I am lucky, SO is a great dad and doesn't burden me with it. I willingly help out. I'm also lucky because I love the little crumb snatchers so it makes it easy. I focus on their education, their laundry and bed time routine. He handles shuttling them, their diets, their hygiene and cleans the apartment most of the time. He also pays for the cleaning lady who comes in once every two weeks so that's also nice. I don't feel that indescribable mother child bond and there are days that I make jokes that I may end up being one of my child abuse clients, but truthfully they are pretty great kids. Even the four year old.
But there are days that I really miss not having kids around. There are days I get sad because we never have real dates. And there are days that I want to cry as I watch my disposable income go walking out the door in the form of boots or coats or gloves or whatever the hell else they need. But then, when I get home from work, and the six year old and I practice reading or the four year old and I work on his alphabet or 9 year old recites her multiplication tables to me, I realize, that as exhausted as I am at times, if I didn't have them, I would be bored to tears. But, having said all of that, my skids have been through hell and back so they are a lot easier to love like they are my own than someone else's kid.
I am also a childless SM and
I am also a childless SM and it is so hard watching DH get to be a parent while I basically take a backseat. Being a SM in no way, shape or form replaces having your own biological child. You're expected to treat the kid like your own child but the kid isn't expected to treat you like a real parent. It's a complete double standard. I think you are doing way too much though and you are definitely going to start resenting your situation and the people in it (if you don't already). The kid has 2 parents- let them do the parenting. You don't need to be packing the kid lunch, washing their clothes, cleaning their room, etc.- that's your husband's job. Give yourself a break! They aren't your kids!
I do have a caveat I should
I do have a caveat I should probably add here. I always saw myself as a stepmother. Or a foster mother. Never as a bio mother. I took all the foster parenting classes and got signed up with the state before I moved here. I left my ex the POS because I didn't want him to prevent me from being able to be a foster mom. I got a 3 br apartment so I could do it. I had always planned that as I just didn't feel the urge to have a child of my own and still don't.
Had I not met BF I probably would be one now. Being a step mom to my skids, given Bm is not that far off but this is actually what I wanted it's just not what I expected-i.e. I expected to do it alone.
Thanks so much for the tip! I
Thanks so much for the tip! I will go there now.
:: edit :: I have tried to post there, and it seems like it should work, but it's not showing up. Dupe content a problem, I'm thinking?
I have no bio kids of my own,
I have no bio kids of my own, but it's my choice. I've never wanted kids. I entered into my relationship with DH because it appeared he had a normal relationship with his kid and Uberskank (BM). The real problems didn't start until we decided to get married.
Someone wrote to another poster yesterday and it really struck home with me. SMDH wrote this to 3 more years in a blog yesterday. I wish I had these words of wisdom 6.5 years ago. Here's the blog http://www.steptalk.org/node/101091. And here is SMDH's comments. I printed them up and put them in my cube at work and I'm using them for a bookmark. Something I'll see every single day.
"BM, SD, MIL, SILs, etc all have an opinion of what I should be doing for my SD. The details vary but essentially I should treat her as mine when it comes to my financial resources, my time, my emotional support, entertainment, fawning over, doting on, praising and kissing ass. I should make sure everything between her and my son is 100% equal and never let her feel disappointed or left out. I owe her that because I married her father. Of course, making any of that PUBLIC is wrong and overstepping into BM territory. In public I should accept that I am JUST the SM and step back. ALso, even though I am supposed to give rewards and opportunities just as I give my son - and often at his expense, I shall not offer any discipline or expect any responsibility on her part. My son has to earn those things. MY SD just deserves them because she is a child of divorce.
I say fuck em all. I have a life. I have things to do. I have a job. I have meals to prepare. I have a home to take care of. I have a toddler to raise and I have memories to make. I'll do it my way. SD HAS a mother. My son deserves one, too He doesn't deserve to have his outings be dictated by her schedule so she isn't left out even though she gets a whole other life alone with 100% of her mother's attention. He doesn't deserve to get less financially simply because she is here. Her mother's choice to not work, is not my problem. I do work. MY child will benefit from that.
My dh CHOSE to have a child with her mother. He knew who she was when he made that choice. SD got the mother he chose for her. Our son got the mother he chose for him. End of sm rant.
And my dh is perfectly fine with my way. He treats them the same. They're both his and he should. By I am under no obligation to do so and he is mature enough to recognize that. He feels bad that his daughter missed out and continues to miss out on certain things, but hey not my job to make it up to her."
Wow. Thank for reposting
Wow. Thank for reposting that. So helpful.
I can't help but think that some of her clarity and power comes from the fact that she and her husband have a child together.
My SD is the only child my DH will ever have. I will never have a child.
SMDH can put her son first and I applaud her. I think I'm going to have to start putting myself - and my marriage - first.
I don't really think having a
I don't really think having a child together made the difference, Childless. My ILs attitude toward me and what they defined as my "role" as a SM provided clarity long before we adopted our son. My SIL told me "you are an effing bitch. you are not our blood. SD is. You are not her mother. You don't get to tell us we can't give her cookies before she eats dinner.". Truer words were never spoken. They are right. I am not her mother. Well, then, I guess that frees me from all obligation and responsibility for her.
Their words that night over a stupid effing cookie made me re-evaluate my role and think about the expectations of others. The all wanted me to bend over backwards to provide what they decided my SD needed from me. No discipline, but everything nice. No sir. I don't work that way. I believe in balance. I believe you get what you give. And while I understand that children, by nature, are selfish, I also believe that they have parents to love them no matter how they behave. Just as the child loves them regardless of discipline. There is a piece missing as a stepparent. They don't love you if you discipline and you don't have to love them just because you love one of their parents. Period. Perhaps if her mother was dead or 100% out of the picture, I'd take on that role becasue I'd feel she deserved 2 parents, but that isn't the case. She has two parents. It is their job to discipline and make rules about cookies. AND it is their job to financially and emotionally support. It is their job to fawn, dote, praise, correct, etc. My only responsibility to my dh is to be kind. And in supporting his work, I make sure she is safe and fed. That ends my responsibility. I treat her the same way I'd treat anyone else's child in my home. There are a few rules regarding my home, my person and my son that I will not budge on and will correct regardless of who the parents are and I will be kind to an extent to any child. She gets all of that. Nothing more unless I make a CHOICE.
My biggest mistake when DH
My biggest mistake when DH and I moved in together was that I stopped putting myself first. I put DH and his child first. Huge, huge mistake.
As a result my health plummeted and I now suffer from two stress related illnesses and it's taking me time to recover. I think a lot of us have put ourselves on the back burner.
I don't believe having a kid would have changed things as a SM for me, as DH's kid is still not my kid. At this point in time, his kid is not a horrible person. However, in the past she's done and said some amazingly horrible things to me. The kind of things that burn bridges in a relationship, which is what she wanted. I don't like her, I don't love her.
I encourage her relationship with her father. I have even ripped him a new one when he has FUBAR'd to unbelievable proportions with his kid (to read about his most recent FUBAR http://www.steptalk.org/node/95976). However, I merely tolerate her presence in my life and when she's around I do my best to fade into the background.
I guess bottom line is, being a SM is difficult at best. Like SMDH commented yesterday, the rules are always changing and we tend to end up the bad guys as a result.
Hi ChildlessSM. I am
Hi ChildlessSM. I am full-time SM to two children who live with SO & I. Their BM (Nasty as I refer to her in my blogs) sees them for 4 days-1.5 weeks per year.
There are A LOT of issues that I have with my position. My SO (FDH) seems to think that because I do fill the role of "mom" that I should have the same feelings as a "mom" would. This is not the case, at all. Infact, Nasty recently said how grateful she was that I was here to "do her job" which started SO on a tangent of "why don't you feel like you are their mom? Why don't you WANT to do Nasty's job?" & so on & so forth. I had to paint the ugly picture that is our home life for him...he goes through phases of seeing reality for what it is then goes blind for awhile until I once again remove his rose colored glasses...poor guy. He tries, he really does. When he "sees" what's going on with the SKids, he's the first to correct their horrendousness but when those rose colored glasses are on, it takes quite a bit for them to be removed so that he can see that no, his cutesy babies are NOT as cute & well behaved as he thinks they are. I have pointed out MANY times that he goes into the parental trap of believing that "My Johnny & Suzy would NEVER..." LOL...he really hates when I bring that up, but it works.
I have literally bent over backwards to ensure that my Skids feel loved, are well cared for & that they behave in responsible fashions for their ages. I believe that the job of any parent is to ensure that they are raising people who will become responsible productive members of society. At the end of the day though, they (SS10 & SD9) view me as nothing but SM...someone to be ignored at their leisure, someone to avoid, someone to be used when it is convenient for them, someone to treat like trash. These things do NOT negate my job though. I will not stop parenting them to the best of my ability, even if they are turds of epic proportions.
My SKids are their mother's children. Both have a lot of brain smarts, have narcissistic tendencies & zero empathy for others - they also have no problem playing stupid over EVERYTHING. These traits are exactly opposite of my genetics & therefore, my family & what I know. It is humanly impossible for me to feel the crushing love of motherhood for people who have personality traits that I avoid at all costs.
Obviously you've considered
Obviously you've considered and rejected the idea of adopting? I have listened to and read newspaper articles about a attorney on the Los Angeles radio station KFI to know he's a reputable fellow. Part of his business is representing women who are adopting out their baby. Normally teen mothers who need financial support during the pregnancy. They're carefully screened for drugs and the like. I'm sure its very expensive but there it is for what it's worth. If you want a link send me a Message via this site and I'm sure you can find such arrangements closer to your home if needed.
I'm sorry you're unable to have children of your own but it sounds like you're dealing with it. I suspect you have a somewhat idealized idea of having your own children when you talk about the work and time it takes away from your relationship with your husband. On the upside the kid goes home I presume for 2 weeks at a time so you don't have to deal with her full time.
I am not childless, I have a
I am not childless, I have a BS that is 20 who is financially independent and lives elsewhere, so he is not an issue at all. I married a man I dated for 6 months who had daughters 9 & 11. I had only been around them for about 3 of those months and then very rarely as we only have them every other weekend and on our off weekend we get them on the Friday or Sunday for a while.
I always wanted more children and even attempted IVF twice and have been through 2 losses in a previous relationship. When I met my huband he knew he had daughters I looked on it as a great bonus. Finally I am meeting a great man AND I get to have two daughters on a part-time basis!! We have only been married about 5 months and everything is going pretty good. DH and I try to be on the same page. He works out of town and is only home Friday and Saturday and half of Sunday, so when he is here I spend all my time with him. If there is a school confernence, a school play or a soccer game, I am there!! I try to show my support for the girls in every way. But also, so far they are very respectful and when they are not DH corrects them or I do, and I belive they respect us for it.
I vacuum & dust their room: they pick it up, make their beds and take out their trash.
I clean their bathroom: they pick up after themselves.
I attend all of their extracirricular activities.
I plan activites for them most weekend (making cake pops, ornaments, decorations):then we clean up the mess together.
I expect nothing from them except respect. That way I am never dissappointed.
I expect appreciation and thankfulness from their father.
I care for them alot, but it is not the same unconditional love I feel for my BS. That same love bond that says there is nothing that will seperate us and you will always be mine. Cause it simply is not true. The BM can make decisions and the child can, and you and DH can get divorced and poof, like that they are gone!!!
I read the posts on here and they scare me. It scares me. I hope that I never have the feelings toward my SD that I read here. I know what we are doing so far seems to be working and what you are doing is working so don't change it! Get a dog. He is my saving grace. The unconditional love, its there. I can escape to my room with my dog and know that he is grateful......Good Luck!
Thank you, everyone. I've
Thank you, everyone. I've really listened and learned a lot. I've gathered my thoughts in this post on the "Bio Free Zone" forum:
http://www.steptalk.org/node/101618