Pissed off. Please help. Need advice really bad.
SD13 is supposed to go back home tonight. There's no school Monday, but she has practice at school tomorrow at 9. SD is spending the night here so DH can bring her. (BM works at 
Sometimes I get upset when DH takes SD to dr/dentist appts, etc., when it's BM's week. He tells me he's not doing it for BM, he's doing it for SD. It bothers me (bcuz we both hate BM and she's the most irresonsible person in the world), but I guess I understand. Well, to me, this situation is different. This is not a dr. appt. that will affect her health. Also, it's not SD's responsibility to find a ride since she's a child. It's her mother's! Therefore, I feel he is doing it to help BM out. Then, to make matters worse, SD's friend "Jane" calls and asks if DH can give her a ride too. "Jane" also happens to be the daughter of DH's ex-girlfriend (who hates me and did some mean things to me after DH and I started dating). So now I feel he's doing a favor for TWO exes.
Before anyone says anything, DH is 40 years old and has only been in 2 relationships before me. Married to BM for 14 years, and then dated "Jane's" mom for 2-3 years. Also, please don't say DH is an a-hole, because he's not. He's just trying to be helpful, and I know he's looking at it like he's helping SD.
Please tell me why I'm so pissed????? Also, please feel free to tell me I'm over reacting, because I'm pretty sure I am. I need you guys to tell me like it is.
Don't know how that little
Don't know how that little emoticon got in there????? It's supposed to say BM works at 8 am.
Unfortunately there are times
Unfortunately there are times where something that benefits the child also benefits their BM.
Do you feel your DH puts more effort into helping his ex's than he does for you?
Thank you for responding. No,
Thank you for responding. No, I don't feel that way at all. DH hates BM. That's why I said feel free to tell me I'm over reacting. The rational part of me knows that. But the PMS part of me doesn't care! Another reason it bugs me is because BM NEVER does anything to help us out. In fact, she tries to ruin the relationship between DH and SKs.
As far as the ex-girlfriend - he's never done anything to help her.
I know part of me is jealous,
I know part of me is jealous, but I shouldn't be because DH can't stand either of his exes. SD and the ex-girlfriend's daughter are friends because they all lived together and also the 2 girls go to school together. So, I always have to hear about the girl. And obviously I have to always hear about BM. This is my 1st marriage and I don't have any bio children. My past stays in the past. I have to deal w/ his past every single day of my life. It gets hard sometimes. Nobody really wants to think of their DH being w/ other people.
"My past stays in the past. I
"My past stays in the past. I have to deal w/ his past every single day of my life. "
God yes, I understand that sentiment.
I just wish my DH and his ex had never had kids. Nothing agains the actual kids, its just that if she was just his ex wife, we could tell her to leave us alone but because she's the mother of his kids, she'll always be around to some extent.
Then you probably are
Then you probably are overreacting a little but I know I've certainly been in that situation myself and I suspect most people who frequent these forums have too.
Having to be the stronger, saner and more sensible one all the time can be hard when you feel the other party just gets away with 'bad' behaviour all the time.
Thank you. That helps. And he
Thank you. That helps. And he never sees or deals w/ "Jane." She just called and asked for a ride this one time.
"Why are you so pissed that
"Why are you so pissed that he's taking these girls to practice? My guess is the fact of who their mothers are."
Him giving his ex-gf's kid a ride was a one time thing, so I can get over that. But your statement is very true when it comes to BM. We both hate BM. She is honestly the most irresponsible person I've ever met in my whole entire life. She's a horrible mother. She thinks she's an awesome mom because she's their friend and lets them do whatever they want. She let SD17 spend the night w/ her BF on several occasions and guess what? SD17 is now pregnant. Imagine that. And BM thinks she's mother of the year. If she wasn't such an idiot and if she helped us out from time to time, I wouldn't mind so much. We have 50/50 custody and on Wed., SD13 goes to the other houshold. BM can't even be bothered to drive the 20 min to our house to bring her back home. SD stays the night over there and then DH picks her up at school on Thursday. BM can say it's because she wants to spend time w/ SD, but it's B.S. If they happen to be out near our house, she will drop SD off. Sorry, I'm getting off topic. Basically, my point is that she does nothing to help us out, and that's why it aggravates me so much.
Part of why it bothers me so
Part of why it bothers me so much is because BM never does anything to help us out. I look at it as doing BM a favor because there are other people she could ask to bring SD to practice or she could go in late to work (BM leaves work all the time for stupid reasons), but why should she go to the effort when she knows DH will do it. So that's why I look at it as helping BM out. That's how she is w/ everything. She never makes an effort because she knows DH is a good dad and he'll take care of it. I get aggravated about him always taking her to the dr/dentist because BM owes tons of money and they harass my husband about it. They are supposed to split the co-pays and other medical stuff not covered by ins. DH always pays his share. BM never does. DH comes home annoyed because of the unpaid bills and then I get ticked off because BM is so irresponsible. I tell him to let BM take her so she can deal w/ the unpaid bills.
BM could go in late to work
BM could go in late to work (which she does ALL the time) or she could ask another mother or she could ask SD17 to bring SD13 to practice. I saw on FB that SD17 spent the night at her friend's. So instead of asking SD17 to be home in the morning so she can bring SD13 to practice, she has SD13 ask DH if he'll take her. She doesn't care that DH works 3rd shift. She'd rather inconvenience him than make SD17 come home - because basically she doesn't want to say no to SD17.
Im sorry if my tone seems angry. I'm not, but after re-reading it, it kind of sounds that way. I appreciate your insight. Thanks so much.
He never cancels plans on me.
He never cancels plans on me. He's an awesome husband and I'm really lucky to have him. I responded to someone above and kind of explained a little more why I'm bothered by it. We work opposite shifts and the most time we ever have together is 4 hours/day. I have tomorrow off for MLK Day and I was looking forward to spending extra time w/ him. We really enjoy each other's company and we love being together. We're grateful for any time we have together. So now he won't go to bed til after 9 am and he'll probably sleep til 3. I know that still gives us 2 more hours than we'd normally have, so I guess I should just be grateful for that.
he may not cancel plans, but
he may not cancel plans, but he made it impossible to do ANY planning. does this happen much? i dunno. if my dh were always running his dear daughter around on his off weeks, i'd probably assume their child is over-extended on her activities and since your dh does the majority of the running, maybe he should be consulted before his daughter is signed up for extra-curriculars. or, i'd assume bm is incapable of managing her money properly (thus having to work so much) and maybe custody should be given to dad. i'm a bitch like that, tho. but seriously, if it's bothering you, there is a reason. i personally would be bothered by it also. i enjoy our skid free time together and become a little teed off when my dh has to stop everything and go running cause bm "needs help". to me, that woman lost all rights to ring my dh when she needs help when they divorced. she handles things when kids are with her, we handle things when kids are with us. looks like it's time your bm find another support network that doesn't include your husband.
I like your perspective on
I like your perspective on things. It doesn't happen all the time, but he's the one that takes SD to the dr, dentist, counselor, etc., whether it's our week or not. He does this because BM owes these people money and she won't take SD. BM is DEFINITELY incapable of managing her money. She's lived w/ her parents for four years and she's still broke.
"that woman lost all rights to ring my dh when she needs help when they divorced. she handles things when kids are with her, we handle things when kids are with us. looks like it's time your bm find another support network that doesn't include your husband."
I love that. That is an excellent way to put it and I'm going to show my DH. The reason he doesn't hesitate to bring SD somewhere is because he truly loves her and wants to see her as much as possible. Also, if he doesn't do it, he's afraid BM won't take her either and then SK will suffer. I told him that BM should try to make other arrangements BEFORE calling him. He should be a last resort. Actually, BM doesn't call. SK is the one that calls/texts, and DH doesn't want to tell her no. I think your wording may help him see where I'm coming from. It really doesn't happen too much. I was just in a bad mood, and I wanted some advice.
I don't think you sound like a bitch. I appreciate the great advice.
Thank you everybody for your
Thank you everybody for your responses and for not being nasty. A lot of people on here can be rude, and I'm glad you guys weren't like that.
I don't know, not meaning to
I don't know, not meaning to throw a wrench in your wheel of positives here, but if you're feeling something enough to write on here about, then you might want to look a bit deeper and see if it's not in fact a red flag.
Just sayin
I posted on here because I
I posted on here because I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this. I have friends of course, but no one in the same situation as me.
I have 3 skids and have been
I have 3 skids and have been married for almost thirty years. They are grown and I love them dearly. My situation with the BM was quite the same, downright awful at times. My skids were never the problem, she was.
Don't let it get to you. Many times what benefits your sd will also benefit BM. I loathed my husbands ex with every part of my being. She was a monster. She created drama at every single turn, she held the cards because she knew she did. What we did, was to put all of that aside when it in fact benefited the children. It will pay off in the end, and your sd will always know she can count on the two of you. In five years the BM won't matter anymore and you can have the relationship you want with your sd. From my own personal experience, I always tried to tell myself that these are normal situations that occur in families that are all biological. Father picks them up, drops them off, whatever the situation happened to be.
I have step grandchildren now with all three, they call me grandmother. We have many activities that include the bm because of the children, so the cycle repeats itself later down the road...LOL.. Not bad at all now, we get along just fine and she is married to a wonderful man that we both like very well. I would say pick your battles, and this is not one of them. It speaks to the kind of father that your dh is to his children and will bode well for you in the future..
Hang in there!!!
I also wanted to add that
I also wanted to add that your feelings are normal. Step parenting is very difficult, and takes hard work. It is more difficult for women because we get the brunt of it. We question every situation because we never want to be taken advantage of, or used, and sometimes it is hard to distinguish when you are in that situation.
I would say if your dh were taking bm someplace, you might have an issue. If not, your fine and it is all about the daughter. Do the two of you have children of your own? I had skids when I married, it is my first marriage, and we have two children together. I would write in a journal that helped me out quite a bit. As step mothers we do not always come first in the relationship when there are children involved. You have to be okay with that, and it's okay, but it can take awhile to get there. All of our children are grown now and have left the home. My husband and I have all the free time we want, it is great, it will come.
Thank you for the great
Thank you for the great advice. No, we don't have children together and we don't plan to. This is my first time being in a parental role.
i don't know how many times
i don't know how many times i've heard "it's for the kids". bull crap. i think bio mom's will continue using their ex dh as their support systems for as long as they can get away with it. who watches sd when she is working? if she can arrange child-care, why can't she manage transportation? if that's a problem, unless your dh VOLUNTEERED to chauffer sd to extracurriculars (with your blessings), sd may be over-extended.
SD is 13 (14 in a few mos) so
SD is 13 (14 in a few mos) so she can stay home alone. I also have a SD17 who lives FT w/ BM, so I feel she could've taken SD13.
"if she can arrange child-care, why can't she manage transportation? "
Exactly! She's just lazy, that's all. If DH and I had a conflict w/ picking SD up or taking her somewhere, one of us would get out of work early if we had to. We'd figure it out! But that's because we have brains - unlike BM.
Your dh is feeding into bm's
Your dh is feeding into bm's tyranny. If he balled up a time or two and wasn't afraid to say the dreaded "no" word to sd they wouldn't be so quick to use him. Sounds like. Oldest sd can provide transportation but why should they inconvenience themselves when your dh is so willing to drop everything and come running? I feel for you. Icant tolerate this behavior either. And bm is lazy bcause ur dh allows her to be. Good luck in establishing boundaries. Its a war, not a hill to avoid.