How do you know the difference
I feel depressed, tired, and angry. I fantasize about life before I met my husband. I was happy, thin and busy, but happy. Now I no longer care about exercising, have gained weight, and walk around feeling angry and like I have a huge albatross around my neck. I have not seen his daughters in over three years, yet the angst is constantly there with dh. It seems they are always in the background of my life, wrecking havoc. Did the depression cause my feelings about my marriage, or has my marriage caused the depression?
I realize I can have fun times with dh, but i find the closer he gets with his daughter, the more i pull away emotionally. I feel like my marriage is disintegrating, do I want to save it?
I can understand that once a person is divorced, the easier the others get. I have a good career, home, I didn't get married to be financially secure, I am on my own. Maybe that is the problem? Maybe I need to be more focused than on hating his daughters. I just don't know anymore
Ah, crap. You sound like me.
Ah, crap. You sound like me. I am not sure how old you are or if you have kids together, as I have not read much. I will say that although things have somewhat turned ok for me, I was in the same boat as you many years ago before I had my baby. If I could go back, I would have ran like crazy...sigh....It seems that I will never truly get over the fact that my life was completely ruined by the courts, the crazy ex, the crazy skid, the family nightmares...I was so very happy before...sigh
A big hug. Take some time off. Think about what you want in life. Do you have kids together? How old are you? Does he support YOU or is he broke due to the skids/BM? Think about it all WITH YOUR HEAD. We many times think with our hearts and honestly, I have to say, I should have thought with my head and taken off.
Newimprvmodel I think alot of
Newimprvmodel
I think alot of us have been where you are. It may pass as long as you want it to.
What you have wrote in your post I myself have been there. Ive had my neck feel like a 2by4 , weight I have gained 45 pounds. Depressed yes. My husband has 1 of his daughters that he tells everything to. The things he should be telling me. Its been this way our whole marriage. I have learned to except it. I guess its because I love him. I try not to think about it and when he is with her on the phone I leave the room. He dont like that but I dont care. I have feelings also. I think men dont realize what they do sometimes. Maybe you need to read some of the posts on here.
I opened up to dh tonight and
I opened up to dh tonight and he realizes that my anger is killing me and our marriage. I have come to the realization that yes I am angry with his daughters, but the real anger is at him, for not defending himself, me and our marriage. He seems to have a real inability for anger, or at least with his daughters and ex. So I have been fuming, and stuffing down my resentment. Oh and feeling intense rage at essentially strangers. Easier to hate them than my own husband. I realize I need to get past this anger toward him. He feels of course it is unjustified, but I feel differently. But to save my marriage I need to start afresh tomorrow.
He agrees that he will not discuss any aspect of his daughters. They were never a part of our marriage, and that will continue. He is free to engage them as he sees fit, and accepts that I will,not engage in anything with them.
Step aside was on the money today describing avoidance and self preservation. Husband agrees I am avoiding, but feels it is a negative. He says he feels none of my angst? Well hello, these are your daughters! LOL
Any advice? Thoughts....I am really struggling, but I do want to save my marriage. And I do think first are totally different from second ones.
Thank you all! I do not believe my non divorced friends can truly understand the pain.....
Here is my two cents as
Here is my two cents as someone that has been there. Starting tomorrow morning, live for yourself. Begin picking yourself up by the bootstraps and start over. Put DH on the back burner and take the time to figure yourself out and what you want.
We are responsible for our own happiness in life, and we are not obligated to make others happy. You may decide to leave him at some point, or you may not. You will be able to make a better decision when you begin living for yourself again. Don't let your situation bring you down or change the person you are.
I am so glad I found this
I am so glad I found this site. The more I see these types of encouraging posts the better I feel, because I am just like the OP of this topic. I was like her before my marriage and feel just like she described now, even though I have disengaged and SS is only here one night per week (because I stood up for myself and refused to keep him anymore, so if DH is working SS is not to be here) I worry so much about DH and making him happy and about our marriage crumbling if I stick up for myself, and have forgotten what it even feels like to be me or have a real life.
Thank you silent nites. I do
Thank you silent nites. I do need to focus on making myself happy first of all. And for too long I have not been doing what I enjoy because dh doesn't enjoy the same activities. So I sit around many weekends while he works. No more. I am getting myself up and out. Maybe I need to pretend I am a single person again! I have no interest in other people, just other activities.
New, you described very well
New, you described very well what alot of us have felt. That is a good first step. It is such a hard process to break that cycle. This is all good advice written above.
I would only like to add that you alone must take that first step to break the cycle. Baby steps. Choose to plan an outing for yourself and go do it! When you get over that hurdle, plan something else. Hugs!
I have found being around my
I have found being around my family and old friends helped me. I do it more and more and it makes me feel loved and accepted.
I guess it is so shocking to
I guess it is so shocking to find that I spent the first year of my marriage helping dh get through the awful court motions, only to feel like dh now has turned on me. He yelled at me last night that I was not the victim here. It was not about helping him, but I did it for myself. Every comment about his ex and daughters he twisted their actions and made light of it. And you know what? He never apologized last night. For all the shit they have put me through. Unbelievable. I do need to get rid of this anger toward dh. And yes I,need to do for myself and my own kids. But I will never get back to the place I was before. A big part of my love for dh has evaporated. I need to replace that space with self love for me. I will never focus on someone else's needs like that again!
I have been to HELL and back
I have been to HELL and back with my DH and his kid and BM, and this post sounds just like me and my DH now. My DH still does not appreciate all I have been through, he still bites my head off, and trust me, after what I have been put thru, he should be on his hands and knees thanking me for staying. He should never have a cross word to say to me after the trauma I have endured at their hand. I would love to get rid of the anger, but I don't see how that is possible without change on his end. I will never be the same and I will never have that carefree all consuming love for DH that I once had either. I love him but hate him too and the hate is getting pretty close to outweighing the love most days. What gets me is I swear I think DH has some kind of damned radar or something. Just when I am fed up, hence the name, just when I am at that point of packing and getting the hell out of here and getting some semblance of a life back, he turns on the charm, is nice, is HIM again, the him, I first fell for. Today is one of those days, just super sweet. Almost makes me mad, it is like, come on!!! Really? Damn it, I almost had the nerve up to tell you to go take a flying leap and now u want to screw my head up by being nice?
I'm having the same problem
I'm having the same problem now. Even though I've been disengaged from SD for over two years, there is still residual anger that DH allowed the obnoxiuos behavior for 20 years without coming to my defense. Maybe it is anger at myself for allowing it to go on and not take up for myself. I guess this has made me take a view of DH from different vantage point than when we first married. Now our differences are right there in front of us. I'm seeing just how little we have in common. I am more involved in outside activities. He's quite content to putz around the garden and watch old cowboy movies. I get bored with the cowboy movies, I'd rather play games on the computer. He complains that I'm gone too much or always on the computer. He refuses to go to a marriage counselor. Our recent argument left me with a bad taste in my mouth and I am fighting the renewed disgust that happens every time he pulls a tantrum and threatens to leave. But like you suggest, maybe I need to start fresh again. Either that or get off the stick and take action that I've been putting off for too long because of what OC says is enertia.
Sandye21, I hope you don't
Sandye21, I hope you don't take any offense to this at all because that is not my intention AT ALL, but I have to post and say that where I am in my marriage now, at the crossroads of stay or go, caught between love and hate, disgust and despair, hating the state of my life and marriage but still not wanting to give up. I have a lot of thoughts of the future. What may be, what could be, what should be, what life will be like if I stay versus if I go, and when I think about my life if I stay, what you just described is my worst fear. I cannot stand the thought of staying and waking up 20 years later still feeling so angry and mad at him and mad at myself for staying.
No offense taken. If anyone
No offense taken. If anyone else can learn from my mistakes, it will all be worth it. We will be going on a trip in the next few weeks, and that will be deciding factor. Also, if he pulls another tantrum and threatens to leave he'll be history. This site has really helped to make that committment to myself.
Thank you. I have found
Thank you. I have found myself already in the short time that I have been on here already telling any of the girls that post that are not married yet, to RUN. Just because I don't want anyone else to ever marry into this, no matter how great they think it will be or how much they love the man. I used to think I would just die if I were to lose him, thought there would be no way I could start anew, but I know that I won't die. I will be ok, Life goes on, and for these poor women that are on here that are engaged or thinking about marrying a man with kids and all the problems that entails, I just want to scream as loud as I can "DO NOT DO IT!!!! TAKE IT FROM ME!! It would be a lot easier to cut and run before the wedding, before the joint household, etc. My DH has done the tantrum and threat thing too, he has threatened to divorce me, they are empty threats of course, he just does it to throw his weight around and scare me after I have proved him wrong usually about something to do with his kid. He throws the fits to deflect the attention off of the real issue at hand. He is a pro at that. This site has already helped me so much, just seeing that I am not alone, and that I am entitled to my feelings and that they are valid, that there is nothing wrong with expecting normalcy, respect, and peace within my marriage, has already gave me a lot of confidence I had lost.