Just wondering if any of you do it all over again? Knowing what you would go through, the headaches, the sadness, the happiness, the bad, the good, would you do it all over again?
If I have to be honest, and honest with myself-NO. I love my DH very very much, and he is probably one of the nicest people you will ever meet. He has a gentleness and kindness that is rare. Compared to a lot of people on this board, I am lucky. I have nothing to do with the adult skids. However, there are 3 of them, and they are 3 horrible human beings. I do not see them ever changing, and their constant drama and lies makes me sad for DH. They are toxic and abusive, and the fact that they are still trying to break us up is just sick. We got married 2 months ago, and it has been non-stop crap. It is like they are always there, hovering and waiting. I can handle what they throw at me, I just hate what they do to him.
I divorced my kids' dad over 4 years ago. I don't plan on marrying again until the kids are on their own. My marriage did not fail due to skid or problems from the skid, but it opened my eyes and allowed me to see things that I might not have seen in my bf's situation if I had not been a sm before. I don't know how you people do it. My guess is lots of alcohol. LOL
It depends. If BM leaves the country with SS16 within the next 3 months, ok, life is good. If not... NO. The quality of life with SS16 in it is so low, it's just not worth it.
Nope; I would have gone to a sperm bank to have another baby, moved close to my family in AR, and either gotten a job there (the job field for my former career there is excellent) or gone to UofA on the GI Bill.
A million times yes! Only because my DH had enough sense to STOP babying/coddling the shit out of SD14 and put an end to her demands that she rule him. Had he not seen the light and put an end to her mini wife behavior and giving in to her constant needs/desires to control him and our relationship, I'd have left him before we ever got started and never would've married him at all.
He and I have the best relationship we've both ever had and wouldn't give it up for anything in the world. Had he not gotten his head out of his daughter's and ex wife's ass in the very beginning though, it would've been a much different outcome.
I dated a man for two years that had a 7 year old son. BF and I constantly got into arguments because he was a lazy parent and just didn't want to discipline his son.
I got fed and eventually broke up with him. We stayed friends, however, and a couple of months later he invited me and my daughters over for his son's birthday party. So exBF's son had a neat tricycle that when you rode it you could spin it around and around. So ExBF's S8 and my D6 took turns riding. My D6 patiently waited while the boy rode the trike, then it was her turn. D6 isn't on the trike for TWO seconds and the boy is chasing D6 all over the street "Can I ride now? Can I ride now? Let me ride now" pestering her the whole time she is trying to ride. He was following her so close that she couldn't even spin the trike around like she wanted to or she would hit him.
The entire time both me and ex-BF are standing right there in the front yard, watching the kids in the street. ExBF is standing right next to me, but is COMPLETELY oblivious to what his kid is doing.
Another time I'm trying to talk to exBF, and his son comes and sits down at the table. I can't even have an adult conversation with ex without his son interrupting us.
But I'm glad it happened because it just helped me remember why I broke up with him in the first place.
Oh Yeah!! If I knew then what I know now I would never do it again. But in a way I'm glad for the experience because now I know I will never date a man with kids. I'm just glad I was able to break it off before getting too involved with him.
I ask myself this all the time and the answer is no. In fact, the answer is hell no. I often fantasize about hoping in a "back to the future" style delorean time travel car and telling the old me exactly what she is in for. My hubby is amazing absolutely one of the best people I know, but I still would not do it. But like someone else said, if the x and SD lived in a different country then I might be willing to do it. But then again, we would probably have her with us for the whole summer... so, still say no. I only get thru this by reminding myself that it could be worse. I am 28 and not likely to find a guy who is in the age range Im looking in, who doesn't already have at least one kid.
"I am 28 and not likely to find a guy who is in the age range Im looking in, who doesn't already have at least one kid."
I used to think that too, until I started looking. I'm 35 and found plenty of men in their 30s and 40s who did not have kids. I was pleasantly surprised. And there were several more who had kids but they were already grown and out the house. Granted adult stepkids can be headaches too, but at least you don't have to live with them.
The guy I'm dating now is 43 and has no kids and doesn't want any, which is fine for me because I already have two.
Well in that case, if things go south (I pray to God that they don't) then I will definitely just hold out for someone with out kids. Not likely to go this route again. Not worth the hassle IMO.
EXACTLY! But then again, I think I'd lose respect and we'd be a done deal. I am trying to hang onto the shreds of respect I have left now because of empathy and compassion. But even that is waning.
No. I would not. Even after I moved in, I knew I would never even consider marriage until SS16 moved out, and then I'd still be hesitant to marry. I do not like being locked in.
I saved all my furniture and my appliances, fridge, washer, it's in storage in case I need to make a quick exit. Hence my user name.
I consider moving out every day. Even looked at houses today. Hard to find a rental who will take dogs, so there's always hope SO will come around. I'm not holding my breath.
The only reason I tried it again was because there was only 1 kid, he was older, and I had fewer years, I thought, until he would move out. And SO totally oversold this kid as self sufficient. Until I moved in, I did not grasp how clingy and immature this kid was, and did not realize he never left the house, ever. And I did not anticipate how much SO would fight me trying to assert myself as a co-leader of the house.
So next time, kids must be grown, married, financially independent, have at least some ambition, fairly well adjusted and have their own lives. Tall order, I know.
And we SO and I would have to get a new house together. I will not move into SO's house again.
Oh Onefootout, isn't that really sad? I am the same as you are. If this marriage were to end, I would be the one that would move due to the fact that we live where my DH is from, nothing holds me here but him. But, my number one issue is that it is so hard to find a rental that lets you have pets and I'll be damned before I leave my babies behind. I joke around and say that I stay married for "the children", but it is somewhat true.
Fedup, what's really sad is that if/when I leave, I will be leaving SO's dog behind, who just adores having my two dogs to keep him company. SO's dog is the sweetest kindest thing! I would feel so sad leaving him behind, but SO adores him and dog adores SO.
Oh the nights I have laid awake and worried about my pretties. I had a dog for many many years that died about 6 months after DH and I moved in together. I vowed to NEVER have another pet because I was so beyond heartbroken. That was short lived. A coworker had a litter of puppies and they desperately needed homes, so I took one. I then acquired a stray. They live outside but they are very spoiled and important to me and DH. I rescued our cat and have had her since she was 2 weeks old, up and down with her every 2 hours for feedings just like a baby for a month, but she pulled thru, beat the odds, and lived. We have an inside dog that we have had for a year. I have worried so much about the idea of leaving the two outside dogs, because I could not take all four. My DH would fight me in court if necessary over the cat and inside dog and I would fight to the death to take them. I can't imagine uprooting them and taking them away from DH. Some people don't get it, they think, it is just a damn animal, well to some, that is true. To me, an animal lover thru and thru, they are my family. They are my constant companions, my steadfast and truest of true friends. I put them before my own happiness. Some may call me crazy, I don't care, there love is unconditional and the least I can do is return the favor.
Honestly, no. I love my DH dearly, but he is not a hands-on dad...and by that I mean, sure he disciplines them, but usally after I've complained. I'm the one that has always done the most for them. Not to mention, the older two are spoiled, evil trolls & no longer speak to us. Too much drama I've had to deal with for the past 12 years.
I love my DH buuuuuut......... If I had known what kind of filth he had kids with and that the Bms were nuttier than a payday bar no. I'm sorry but I would have been running away so fast my shoes would have caught fire.
I love my BF very much BUT if the second he asked me out my "future" flashed before my eyes and I would KNOW what I would be in for....HELL TO THE N.O.
Hell no! I love my husband dearly, but I am miserable when his kids are at my house. Sometimes I think the only thing keeping me here is how much I love my house. I couldn't afford it on my own.
I have been a SM for 6 years now 3 days after getting married to my DH we started this 6 year and counting battle for emergency custody of his BD then 7, and BS then 3, due to extreme circumstances involving my DH children. Less than a year later we gained custody of his BS (because the BM gave him to us). Now, 6 years later and a whole lot of turmoil from the BM, we gained emergency custody of his BD now 13. There were some pretty rough times...false accusations causing my DH to be arrested, jobs lost, death threats on us that's just to name very few things his ex has done. Through it all, my DH and I stood beside each other and never lost sight of the reason we started this battle in the first place, which was to make sure that these kids stayed safe, had structure, routine, love, discipline, guidance and they had a chance at life. I went into it with the attitude that I am an adult I can handle it but they are only children and they don't deserve the lifestyle that was force upon them by their BM. When times got hard, I prayed and never lost faith. My SS now 9, has adjusted very well but, being my SD didn't get out of the situation as early on as my SS did, then was removed from her BM's care by the Sheriff's Department it's going to take some time for her to adjust but my DH and I are able to lay our heads down at night knowing that they are safe and well taken care of. It's not been easy and not always pleasant and we ALL still have a long way to go but through it all, the good times and bad, the defiance and the acceptance, the emotional times, the headaches and the happiest moments, I couldn't feel more blessed to have had the opportunity to have such wonderful and amazing children in my life. So, YES I would do it ALL over again especially knowing what I know now.
SADLY...........NO!
Much like all the other posters I do love my SO very much. We fell head over heels for each other and I thought he was my soul mate. We took our time to get to know one another. His kids and I got along fine I just didn't see the degree to which he puts his daughter's needs over mine and let's her get away with everything. We have been married less than a year and I am regretting it already and planning an exit strategy if needed. I don't want to join finances because he has threatened so many times to leave and I don't like the way he handles money in addition to his lazy parenting style.
Nope... not at all. I definitely wouldn't do it over again. In fact i'm looking at the exit now while i still have time. I didn't sign up for this in life & before i allow my life to be transitioned to something other than what i want. I'm throwing up the peace sign this week & moving on with my life. I will give up everything and start over again before i end up living with regrets. I've seen this situation played out before over & over again.
Knowing what I know now? I would date him, but probably never move in so as not to disturb the brats and the BM up close. I would also NEVER have made the mistake of comingling our incomes - ever.
That being said, I know that DH is the right guy for me, together we are happy. He doesn't really care for my kids either... they're all nearly grown and on their own, so one day it will just be us and none of the animosity from the skid in our house, no more worrying that skid knows all our business and transmits it to BM so she gets pissed when we're "doing better than her".
If only we had met sooner... I have that thought almost every day.
Mine is a Yes- but our situation is very different. I tell ANYONE who is dating someone with kids to run for the hills. I recognize that there are few situations exactly like ours. I would do a lot of things differently when it came to BM and court, but I would still date my DH.
Yes, but only because I know their father would place his loyalty with me if things got bad enough. He's finally starting to see that he's being used by his kids for money and rides, as they never contact him in between visits or invite him to activities like we have repeatedly asked. I knew this would happen eventually, and he's to the point where he doesn't really care either way if they come around.
nope
nope
Never with that one! Still
Never with that one! Still have faith, though, that good men exist and are worth it.
absolutely NOT!
absolutely NOT!
Not with a mentally ill SD.
Not with a mentally ill SD. Never again.
Ugh, same here. Not for a
Ugh, same here. Not for a million dollars. No way.
HELLLLL NO!
HELLLLL NO!
If I have to be honest, and
If I have to be honest, and honest with myself-NO. I love my DH very very much, and he is probably one of the nicest people you will ever meet. He has a gentleness and kindness that is rare. Compared to a lot of people on this board, I am lucky. I have nothing to do with the adult skids. However, there are 3 of them, and they are 3 horrible human beings. I do not see them ever changing, and their constant drama and lies makes me sad for DH. They are toxic and abusive, and the fact that they are still trying to break us up is just sick. We got married 2 months ago, and it has been non-stop crap. It is like they are always there, hovering and waiting. I can handle what they throw at me, I just hate what they do to him.
I divorced my kids' dad over
I divorced my kids' dad over 4 years ago. I don't plan on marrying again until the kids are on their own. My marriage did not fail due to skid or problems from the skid, but it opened my eyes and allowed me to see things that I might not have seen in my bf's situation if I had not been a sm before. I don't know how you people do it. My guess is lots of alcohol. LOL
It depends. If BM leaves the
It depends. If BM leaves the country with SS16 within the next 3 months, ok, life is good. If not... NO. The quality of life with SS16 in it is so low, it's just not worth it.
Nope; I would have gone to a
Nope; I would have gone to a sperm bank to have another baby, moved close to my family in AR, and either gotten a job there (the job field for my former career there is excellent) or gone to UofA on the GI Bill.
No way on God's green earth
No way on God's green earth would I have done it.
I dearly love my husband, but
I dearly love my husband, but no, I would not do it again
A million times yes! Only
A million times yes! Only because my DH had enough sense to STOP babying/coddling the shit out of SD14 and put an end to her demands that she rule him. Had he not seen the light and put an end to her mini wife behavior and giving in to her constant needs/desires to control him and our relationship, I'd have left him before we ever got started and never would've married him at all.
He and I have the best relationship we've both ever had and wouldn't give it up for anything in the world. Had he not gotten his head out of his daughter's and ex wife's ass in the very beginning though, it would've been a much different outcome.
I dated a man for two years
I dated a man for two years that had a 7 year old son. BF and I constantly got into arguments because he was a lazy parent and just didn't want to discipline his son.
I got fed and eventually broke up with him. We stayed friends, however, and a couple of months later he invited me and my daughters over for his son's birthday party. So exBF's son had a neat tricycle that when you rode it you could spin it around and around. So ExBF's S8 and my D6 took turns riding. My D6 patiently waited while the boy rode the trike, then it was her turn. D6 isn't on the trike for TWO seconds and the boy is chasing D6 all over the street "Can I ride now? Can I ride now? Let me ride now" pestering her the whole time she is trying to ride. He was following her so close that she couldn't even spin the trike around like she wanted to or she would hit him.
The entire time both me and ex-BF are standing right there in the front yard, watching the kids in the street. ExBF is standing right next to me, but is COMPLETELY oblivious to what his kid is doing.
Another time I'm trying to talk to exBF, and his son comes and sits down at the table. I can't even have an adult conversation with ex without his son interrupting us.
But I'm glad it happened because it just helped me remember why I broke up with him in the first place.
Oh Yeah!! If I knew then what I know now I would never do it again. But in a way I'm glad for the experience because now I know I will never date a man with kids. I'm just glad I was able to break it off before getting too involved with him.
I ask myself this all the
I ask myself this all the time and the answer is no. In fact, the answer is hell no. I often fantasize about hoping in a "back to the future" style delorean time travel car and telling the old me exactly what she is in for. My hubby is amazing absolutely one of the best people I know, but I still would not do it. But like someone else said, if the x and SD lived in a different country then I might be willing to do it. But then again, we would probably have her with us for the whole summer... so, still say no. I only get thru this by reminding myself that it could be worse. I am 28 and not likely to find a guy who is in the age range Im looking in, who doesn't already have at least one kid.
"I am 28 and not likely to
"I am 28 and not likely to find a guy who is in the age range Im looking in, who doesn't already have at least one kid."
I used to think that too, until I started looking. I'm 35 and found plenty of men in their 30s and 40s who did not have kids. I was pleasantly surprised. And there were several more who had kids but they were already grown and out the house. Granted adult stepkids can be headaches too, but at least you don't have to live with them.
The guy I'm dating now is 43 and has no kids and doesn't want any, which is fine for me because I already have two.
Well in that case, if things
Well in that case, if things go south (I pray to God that they don't) then I will definitely just hold out for someone with out kids. Not likely to go this route again. Not worth the hassle IMO.
Hell NO!
Hell NO!
Nope. I would date him and
Nope. I would date him and have my own place, but not live together and not have his skid live with us.
EXACTLY! But then again, I
EXACTLY! But then again, I think I'd lose respect and we'd be a done deal. I am trying to hang onto the shreds of respect I have left now because of empathy and compassion. But even that is waning.
No. I would not. Even after I
No. I would not. Even after I moved in, I knew I would never even consider marriage until SS16 moved out, and then I'd still be hesitant to marry. I do not like being locked in.
I saved all my furniture and my appliances, fridge, washer, it's in storage in case I need to make a quick exit. Hence my user name.
I consider moving out every day. Even looked at houses today. Hard to find a rental who will take dogs, so there's always hope SO will come around. I'm not holding my breath.
Okay, this is my second go
Okay, this is my second go around.
The only reason I tried it again was because there was only 1 kid, he was older, and I had fewer years, I thought, until he would move out. And SO totally oversold this kid as self sufficient. Until I moved in, I did not grasp how clingy and immature this kid was, and did not realize he never left the house, ever. And I did not anticipate how much SO would fight me trying to assert myself as a co-leader of the house.
So next time, kids must be grown, married, financially independent, have at least some ambition, fairly well adjusted and have their own lives. Tall order, I know.
And we SO and I would have to get a new house together. I will not move into SO's house again.
Oh Onefootout, isn't that
Oh Onefootout, isn't that really sad? I am the same as you are. If this marriage were to end, I would be the one that would move due to the fact that we live where my DH is from, nothing holds me here but him. But, my number one issue is that it is so hard to find a rental that lets you have pets and I'll be damned before I leave my babies behind. I joke around and say that I stay married for "the children", but it is somewhat true.
Fedup, what's really sad is
Fedup, what's really sad is that if/when I leave, I will be leaving SO's dog behind, who just adores having my two dogs to keep him company. SO's dog is the sweetest kindest thing! I would feel so sad leaving him behind, but SO adores him and dog adores SO.
Oh the nights I have laid
Oh the nights I have laid awake and worried about my pretties. I had a dog for many many years that died about 6 months after DH and I moved in together. I vowed to NEVER have another pet because I was so beyond heartbroken. That was short lived. A coworker had a litter of puppies and they desperately needed homes, so I took one. I then acquired a stray. They live outside but they are very spoiled and important to me and DH. I rescued our cat and have had her since she was 2 weeks old, up and down with her every 2 hours for feedings just like a baby for a month, but she pulled thru, beat the odds, and lived. We have an inside dog that we have had for a year. I have worried so much about the idea of leaving the two outside dogs, because I could not take all four. My DH would fight me in court if necessary over the cat and inside dog and I would fight to the death to take them. I can't imagine uprooting them and taking them away from DH. Some people don't get it, they think, it is just a damn animal, well to some, that is true. To me, an animal lover thru and thru, they are my family. They are my constant companions, my steadfast and truest of true friends. I put them before my own happiness. Some may call me crazy, I don't care, there love is unconditional and the least I can do is return the favor.
Honestly, no. I love my DH
Honestly, no. I love my DH dearly, but he is not a hands-on dad...and by that I mean, sure he disciplines them, but usally after I've complained. I'm the one that has always done the most for them. Not to mention, the older two are spoiled, evil trolls & no longer speak to us. Too much drama I've had to deal with for the past 12 years.
I love my DH
I love my DH buuuuuut......... If I had known what kind of filth he had kids with and that the Bms were nuttier than a payday bar no. I'm sorry but I would have been running away so fast my shoes would have caught fire.
^ Ditto. Wished I'd looked
^ Ditto. Wished I'd looked more into the ex and ss before our relationship went so far.
I love my BF very much BUT if
I love my BF very much BUT if the second he asked me out my "future" flashed before my eyes and I would KNOW what I would be in for....HELL TO THE N.O.
Hell to the negative
Hell to the negative no!!!!!!!!! Why is it so damn easy to get in and harder to get out?
Hell no! I love my husband
Hell no! I love my husband dearly, but I am miserable when his kids are at my house. Sometimes I think the only thing keeping me here is how much I love my house. I couldn't afford it on my own.
I have been a SM for 6 years
I have been a SM for 6 years now 3 days after getting married to my DH we started this 6 year and counting battle for emergency custody of his BD then 7, and BS then 3, due to extreme circumstances involving my DH children. Less than a year later we gained custody of his BS (because the BM gave him to us). Now, 6 years later and a whole lot of turmoil from the BM, we gained emergency custody of his BD now 13. There were some pretty rough times...false accusations causing my DH to be arrested, jobs lost, death threats on us that's just to name very few things his ex has done. Through it all, my DH and I stood beside each other and never lost sight of the reason we started this battle in the first place, which was to make sure that these kids stayed safe, had structure, routine, love, discipline, guidance and they had a chance at life. I went into it with the attitude that I am an adult I can handle it but they are only children and they don't deserve the lifestyle that was force upon them by their BM. When times got hard, I prayed and never lost faith. My SS now 9, has adjusted very well but, being my SD didn't get out of the situation as early on as my SS did, then was removed from her BM's care by the Sheriff's Department it's going to take some time for her to adjust but my DH and I are able to lay our heads down at night knowing that they are safe and well taken care of. It's not been easy and not always pleasant and we ALL still have a long way to go but through it all, the good times and bad, the defiance and the acceptance, the emotional times, the headaches and the happiest moments, I couldn't feel more blessed to have had the opportunity to have such wonderful and amazing children in my life. So, YES I would do it ALL over again especially knowing what I know now.
NOPE! Never
NOPE! Never
SADLY...........NO! Much like
SADLY...........NO!
Much like all the other posters I do love my SO very much. We fell head over heels for each other and I thought he was my soul mate. We took our time to get to know one another. His kids and I got along fine I just didn't see the degree to which he puts his daughter's needs over mine and let's her get away with everything. We have been married less than a year and I am regretting it already and planning an exit strategy if needed. I don't want to join finances because he has threatened so many times to leave and I don't like the way he handles money in addition to his lazy parenting style.
Nope... not at all. I
Nope... not at all. I definitely wouldn't do it over again. In fact i'm looking at the exit now while i still have time. I didn't sign up for this in life & before i allow my life to be transitioned to something other than what i want. I'm throwing up the peace sign this week & moving on with my life. I will give up everything and start over again before i end up living with regrets. I've seen this situation played out before over & over again.
Knowing what I know now? I
Knowing what I know now? I would date him, but probably never move in so as not to disturb the brats and the BM up close. I would also NEVER have made the mistake of comingling our incomes - ever.
That being said, I know that DH is the right guy for me, together we are happy. He doesn't really care for my kids either... they're all nearly grown and on their own, so one day it will just be us and none of the animosity from the skid in our house, no more worrying that skid knows all our business and transmits it to BM so she gets pissed when we're "doing better than her".
If only we had met sooner... I have that thought almost every day.
Nope I sure wouldn't
Nope I sure wouldn't
I'd have to say no. Not even
I'd have to say no. Not even if the step kids lived with their father full time.
Mine is a Yes- but our
Mine is a Yes- but our situation is very different. I tell ANYONE who is dating someone with kids to run for the hills. I recognize that there are few situations exactly like ours. I would do a lot of things differently when it came to BM and court, but I would still date my DH.
Yes, but only because I know
Yes, but only because I know their father would place his loyalty with me if things got bad enough. He's finally starting to see that he's being used by his kids for money and rides, as they never contact him in between visits or invite him to activities like we have repeatedly asked. I knew this would happen eventually, and he's to the point where he doesn't really care either way if they come around.
I think, NOT
I think, NOT
no.... i love my husband so