Stepdaughter calling me "Momma" - Advice please!
Hi everyone! I am a new member and this is my first post! 
I married my husband and became a stepmom last August (8 months ago) - so I am still very new at this...
Quick background:
1. My stepdaughter is 5 1/2 years old.
2. My husband and I have no kids or our own - YET - but we are currently trying, so that could soon change.
3. We get my stepdaughter every 1st, 3rd and 5th weekend.
4. Her biological mother does not like me at all. She has told her daughter not to even speak my name in her house - I know this because that is what my stepdaughter told my husband and I - on her own free will... we NEVER question or pressure her for information regarding her mother. My stepdaughter has also told my husband and me things said about my husband, by the biological mom. So the relationship with the biological mother & my husband and I, may never be rainbows and butterflies, I am afraid. In fact, from day 1, it has been nothing but complication and confrontation from the biological mom on any and every issue regarding the divorce decree and child custody with my husband. However, we are fortunate enough, that I think, even though my stepdaughter is only 5 years old, she is already seeing through her mother's words.
My stepdaughter loves me to death and the feeling is very mutual... I truly enjoy having her in my life and love being a blended family. She has always called me by my first name - which I was COMPLETELY happy with and agreed with from the beginning. She tells me she loves me multiple times a day and loves to go places with me and loves helping me do anything!
Fast forward to this weekend - from the very first hour we picked her up, until the last day we had her, about 6 or 7 different times she told me, "You're my mommy!" or she told my husband, "I wish y'all were my 'real' mommy and daddy!"
When said directly to me, I explained, "Yes baby, I am your stepmom," gave her a hug and kind of changed the subject. In the instance where my husband was addressed with this, he explained to her that he was her 'real' daddy and always will be, and because him and I were married, that made me her stepmom. She responded with, "Yes but I wish that she was my mommy all the time." We were kind of taken off guard and did not know how to address the situation without making her embarrassed or without hurting her feelings, or making her feel like she had done something wrong, because she said it with such sincerity. In the past, my husband and I had briefly talked about this with friends and family, just in case the situation ever came up, but we never really talked about it again. The advice we had gotten, was to not tell her it was wrong, but stay positive and explain things to her in a positive way, about me being her step-mom. But even after we tried to take that route this weekend, it didn't really squash the incident. She countered with her response above.
My husband and I talked about the incidents quite a bit after they happened. The fact that she would even look at me that way or consider me to be that type of figure in her life, made us both emotionally happy. We were both happy to know that we make such a great team and make her life so happy when she is with us, that she feels comfortable enough to tell us how she feels. However, there of course is that lingering in my heart that wonders - do you allow them to call you that? I would NEVER EVER EVER try to take the place of her real mother and NEVER EVER EVER force her or try to get her to call me mom. All of this came about all on her own.
I have done some googling and research and read on a few other forums and I know there are mixed feelings about this topic. Some say, that if she is feeling that in her heart, to let her call me what she feels comfortable with. Others say, absolutely not, and to tell her to call me my name. Others say to come up with a nickname. So as you can see, I am still torn. I know that there probably isn't a "right" or "wrong" answer to this question.... but I am looking for advice or opinions or personal experiences on dealing with this kind of situation.
Thank you in advance on any advice given!
If her mother is in her life
If her mother is in her life and active then you have so far done the right thing. She should call you either by your first name or a nickname.
Since she is really bonded to you I love the nickname idea. I have a friend whose grandaughter calles her 'Lovey' and another whose GD calls her 'Sugar'
Depending on your first name - maybe you guys can make a game of thinking up a name for you that is special and unique to you both. But 'Mommy' is off limits - sorry.
Correction - it did not make
Correction - it did not make us happy that she "wants me to be her mommy." She is 5. Just because she made that comment does mean that is truly what she wants. We were just happy that she felt a connection with me in her life, that she felt comfortable enough to say that to me.... There are situations that I read everyday that break my heart where stepparents and stepkids truly hate one another. I thank God every day that I do not have that situation.
Also, when I say she "sees through her mother's words," I don't mean that she can grasp the concept of what is really going on, but she has repeatedly told me things like "My mommy doesn't like you, and that's because you are married to daddy, but I love you anyway." So she knows that I personally have done nothing to her mother....
I hate that you think I am trying to replace her mother or that my husband would even want that... did you read my post?? I believe I made that very clear.
Another correction - she has
Another correction - she has specifically told her 5 year old daughter to not speak of me in her house, or mention my name, period. I never said that she told her daughter not to like me.
Also, the PAS has already begun since day 1.
Thank you for your assumptions though. I appreciate the advice though on the situation that you laid out.
My skids called me "miss 20
My skids called me "miss 20 plus" until they were around 20 ish. The grandkids call me grandma followed by my childhood nickname. I would have picked a nickname for them to call me when they were little had we thought about that. I like that idea a bunch. It gives you a special place in the family.
Honestly I didnt even have to
Honestly I didnt even have to read the whole thing and i knew exactly your situation. I have a ss 5 years old as well. He and I also share a very special bong and we love eachother very much. BM hates me and has bashed both me and my husband in front of him. Especially me. He told me one night while eating diner just the two of us, completely out of the blue, My mommy and her boyfriend dont like you, so they said i dont have to either. So i know where you are coming from. He was very confused about what to call me because everytime he is with us under his own decision calls me mama. But everytime he went home he got yelled at and told not to call me that and then we would get a nasty phone call. Both my husband, my mil, and I have all talked to bm and told her that i have been here for the past 6 years and i will continue to be here forever. It is his decision as to what he calls me and not hers. So we explained to him it was his decision as long as he knows and understands the parent rolls we all play. His bm is mommy 1 and I am mommy 2. And dh is daddy 1 and whoever she is with at the time or married to is maybe daddy 2 . He understood. and it still is a fight but when he is with me he calls me mommy and when he is at home with his bm he calls me by my name or mama and my name. It will always be a fight but ultimatly it is the childs decision what they call you. And when you have your bio kids you dont want them to feel left out or hurt because your bio calls you mommy and they can not and they see you as their mommy.
Thank God someone can relate
Thank God someone can relate to me! Thank you for your story... I appreciate the advice!
My uncle had 2 step daughters
My uncle had 2 step daughters and 1 bio daughter (all 3 women have the same mother). Both of his stepdaughters lived with him and their BM while growing up. They called him dad since they were 6 & 8 years old. When both of my cousins got married, my uncle and their real father walked them down the aisle. When my uncle passed away 2 years ago, both of my cousins spoke at his funeral. They both said that although they were not his "real" daughters, he never treated them any differently then he did his bio daughter and most people didn't even realize he was not their real father because of the love he showed them. They both said that he showed them love, respect and taught them many things that have helped them through their life. My cousins are now in their early to mid 50's.
So, in my opinion if a child feels comfortable with calling you mom, I see nothing wrong it.
I just had the kids ask me
I just had the kids ask me tonight if they could call me "mom". It's come up before and I've always changed the subject because it was the youngest one (8) asking. But tonight it was all three together (like they talked in the other room and came as one) and asked me in front of FDH.
First, FDH has primary custody. I get the kids ready every morning for school. Help them with their homework every night.
I do typical "parent" things with them, at the request of FDH, (and the hatred of BM). I have a pretty good relationship with all three 95% of the time...
So, my first gut response to the question was, "why would you do that?"
The youngest said, "well cause you act like a mom should."
The oldest said, "we aren't saying you act like MOM, we are saying you act like A mom"
I responded, "won't that get confusing? if you said ' mom said she was going to pick us up from school for a doctors appointment' who would you be talking about?"
The middle boy said, "well right now mom gets mad because we keep calling her your name and you don't yell at us when we accidentally call you mom"
FDH said, "they used to call my mom ' mom' when they were younger. And I did get an ass eating once from BM because the kids kept calling her grandma. So I guess the kids are just asking if they can use what has worked for them before"
So I turned to the kids and said, "I'm sorry that your mom gets upset when you call her the wrong name, but calling me the wrong name isn't the way to fix mom's problem with me. I accidentally call you guys the wrong names. I call my own sisters the wrong names sometimes. It happens. But that doesn't mean I should call everyone ' sis' from now on so I don't upset my sisters by calling them the wrong name"
The kids were sad.
And honestly, I was sad.
I do EVERYTHING for these kids.
BUT I am not their mom, no mater how badly their real mom treats them, no matter how badly they want me to be and no matter how badly I want to be...
I had something similar
I had something similar happen about 6 months ago, I'd picked up SS6 and SS8 from school and we were doing homework. SS6 stopped what he was doing, came over to where I was sitting and said "can we call you mom". My first response was exactly as yours.
I asked, "Why would you want to call me that"?
And both SS6 and SS8 said something like "because you're kind of like our mom"
And because I knew BM had an issue with the mom title (MIL tells me of a time when BM became livid at both DH and MIL when one of the kids accidentally called MIL "mom"), my response was "don't you think that would hurt your mother's feelings?"
The kids said something like "I don't know, but you do all the stuff like a mom does".
The conversation ended with me saying "I don't really think it would be right for you to call me mom since you already have a mom".
The kids seemed to accept this, or so I thought. About 3 months ago SS6 came home and asked "can I call you 2nd mommy"....OH GREAT
We had the same conversation as before and things seem to be okay for now. But every now and then SS6 "slips up" and calls me "2nd mommy".
The hard part is that I'd consider it a slip if he accidentally called me "mommy" because that is what they call BM. When he says "2nd mommy" it seems more intentional.
I always remind SS6 that "2nd mommy" isn't my name, but I do wonder what makes him do it. It usually happens after weekends with BM.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh HELL NO!!!!
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh HELL NO!!!! YOU are NOT "Mommy". When you have your own children you can be called Mommy by them, until then, NO WAY.
May I just say. I also met my
May I just say. I also met my SD when she was 8. She is fun to be with and a hoot. Her BM was always negative about my husband and I, til this day (sd 17 now). We allowed her to call me what ever she wanted me to. What ever made her comfortable. If I have read correctly you and your husband never spoke negatively about her BM in front of her and made her feel special every other weekend. To any child talk of negativity/hate, automatically the child doesn't want to be around it and automatically associates themselves with someone or something that makes them happy. No child wants to feel sad, angry or mad. They want to be happy. And that is what you are giving her, to make her feel the way she feels. All children want to be is just that, children. Not a game piece to hurt others unintentionally.
In the beginning, my daughter didn't know what to call me so SHE chose to call me by my first name. From then on we slowly came up with nicknames for each other and about 5 years ago she started calling me mommy. She knows that I'm not her BM, but still calls me mommy. But again it is at her comfort level. But you have to be comfortable with that too. If you can accept that she called you mom let it be. Just be sure that she knows the difference.
Our time with our daughter were also on the weekends and after 9 going 10 years her BM is always talking smack about me and my three children. You must encourage the child's relationship with their BM. It's very hard after all the evil words that were spoken about you. But it is a must. For example, every weekend all my husband and I hear are words of hate and we see the emotional impact it has on our daughter. Believe me, my husband and I been tempted to join in on the bashing, but we know better. We keep our thoughts and words to ourselves and hear every word that she has to say without interruption, so that she could blow off some steam to have a good weekend with us. After she vents we offer our advise to the situation and always put in that regardless of BM's actions we reinforce that her BM (but we say mommy) loves her.
It will be a hard road and very challenging. But hold tight to each other and have faith. And all will be well.
Just be sure that she knows the difference, between you and her BM. A child is our future and it is how we mold them, either to be better and happier or sad, bitter and miserable.