Disengaged, one year later...
It has been almost a year since I made my last post. I have stopped in on occasion to read some of your troubles with SK's, but feel like reporting my success at disengaging. I'm not sure if you can review my prior posts, but they are typical of everyone else's. Since I have stopped paying now SD21's cell phone bill, sending money for insurance, and cut all communication with her and her sister, the now SD32, I am one happy camper!!! I have agreed with my DH that since his work is still sporadic, I will still help him provide Christmas and birthday gifts for his GD8, as we do not play games with children. It is not her fault that her mother is a twit. Disengaging really helps! I focus on my own kids, have added 2 more grandkids to the family, and DH and I are enjoying them. I do not ask about his kids, nor do I interact with his kids. He has still not been up to see them (they live in another state), but that is due to his own finances. I will no longer finance any trips up there, and when he does have the means to go, I will NOT join him. Gives me some 'me' time! I will however, continue to live my life, have fun with my DH and focus on my happiness!! So there!! 
This is a great side benefit
This is a great side benefit to the downside of having a DH with limited funds.
If DH had the funds he would do everything for SS27. My DH loves to do stuff for people. He feeds half the neighborhood here.
But we have let DH be homeless this past year. Not sure how he handled it but I don't care. And we have an empty home just sitting there. Well not empty - it has furniture and utilities.
But SS has a history of getting drunk and destroying his place of residence. He done it multiple times so no he cannot stay there.
The one disengaging "action"
The one disengaging "action" that I can do with ss16 successfully is to not drive him to his extra curricular school activities and his social activities. For a long time after DH was dx with cancer and on heavy pain meds I was driving ss16 to church twice a week, waking him for school just so I wouldn't have to drive him if he slept in, driving him to golf and soccer, etc. Well about two months ago I stopped. I just told DH that if he cannot drive then ss16 can either get his own ride or walk or not go, but I am not working my schedule around him. This past week he has slept in twice and as I am sitting here with my last cup of coffee before showering and going to work he comes stumbling down stairs and asks if I can drive him. I said NO both days. He walks and is late for school. It's about 2 1/2 miles so he misses first period. I feel SORTA bad for him missing classes but he can walk that far no problem b/c he does it all the time to see friends. Yesterday when he got home he asked his dad to call the school b/c they're threatening detention for being late. I just smiled to myself. DH didn't call either. Maybe detention will encourage ss to set his alarm!!
Congratulations! I've been
Congratulations! I've been in the same spot as you for over two years now and it has paid off too. Like you, I do not stop DH from traveling to another state to visit with SD. He probably has the funds to do so but I will stay home gladly.
SD has not aknowledged DH's existence since I disengaged and she was banned from my home. The other day a small package was sent by her for DH's birthday. She may be trying to reconnect. That's fine, but she still will not step foot on my doorstep. The past two years of not having to put up with her BS has only strengthened my resolve to not ever put up with it again.
Awesome! So glad to hear
Awesome! So glad to hear success stories!
Win!
Win!
Yes, it has definitely
Yes, it has definitely relieved a lot of stress. Now, don't get me wrong, I would have loved for everyone to get along and be a big, happy, blended family, but once SD32 opened her mouth about something she knew nothing about, that was it for me! They have their own prior issues with their father (my DH) and trying to blame his faults on me was a no-no. He is finally going up there to attend a concert with the SD21 next weekend and asked me if I wanted to go. Oh, HELL no!!! I am happy he is going to spend some time with her, but I will gladly keep my distance!!
I have been disengaged for a
I have been disengaged for a few weeks now and have had mixed feelings over it. I can't imagine how I will feel in a year. It has been a vicious cycle for so long I am just not comfortable yet I guess.
Give it a few months to 'set
Give it a few months to 'set in'. Believe me - the more time that goes by the better you will feel about disengaging. I've been disengaged for 2 1/2 years now and it is pure heaven compared to the abuse I was going through. Now I am more resolved than ever never to allow toxic people into my life - it's too short for that.
thank you for the responses.
thank you for the responses. I have no intentions of reengaging and it's good to hear that it will come easier with time and I won't think about it so much.