A little notice would be nice. And no, telling the kids does count
So, 24 hour notice from the ex that he works this weekend and can't get the kids. Will I meet him Sayurday at 8 pm?? Normal exchange is Friday at 3pm. I get an Emial Thursday afternoon. Kids came home Monday from their last visit and told me he said something about working the weekend and he might not be able to see them. So, one he is military and he has set work hours. He knew far enough in advance to tell the kids the week prior. He is 3 on 3 off. So I email him back and tell him Saturday night will not work for me but I'll meet him Sunday morning. He responds wanting to know if he can switch and get them a couple days a week to make up for the weekends.
One, I have a restraining order against him. He is not the easiest to work with. Two, he threated cops, and than court over my proper notification of vacation time. Three, I plan summer time around knowing my schedule. He just says very vague can we switch weekdays for weekends. No set days no true request. I don't have a real issue with a day here and there. But like next week the 10-14, my SIL in law will be here to hang with kids for my surgery, and than my bro and nephew are coming up in the 13th. So that is out of the question. The following week we are going to an amusement park, so I do needs days he is asking for as we pretty much have the next 3 weeks planned out.
And you know what, since you knew, and have know for awhile, how about a little respect and not just expecting me to just do whatever you want? It gets so frustrating, and of course, the whole, well if you can't and won't work with me, I'll just take you back to court crap. I almost want to say nope, sorry. Should have told me earlier just to save the headache of it all.
What will he take you back to
What will he take you back to court for? Him not following his own visitation schedule???? How is that any of your responsibility?
And, I'm assuming you are the BM, right?
Um, I don't know what branch
Um, I don't know what branch of the military you are familiar with but there are *plenty* of jobs in the different branches of the military that have set schedules. Yes, duty days come into play.... but 99% of the time duty days are scheduled ahead of time. The AFB down the street from me is set like clock work. The Navy sub-base we used to live on was even better "rush hour" was a set 20 minutes every afternoon and NO ONE worked weekends except security. And, the Marines I know .... heavens, my schedule was more irregular than theirs are.
Yes, there *are* areas where things aren't scheduled.... but there are *plenty* of jobs that are.
Second, one of us read wrong.... *I* thought she was being threatened with court not that she was threatening court.
OP, dude, tell your XH to shove it and if he gives up day they are given up. You aren't trading any days ever if he's being a jerk.
Kate
Agreed. Our BM is active
Agreed. Our BM is active duty military and her schedule is extremely regular. She gets duty and watch, but they are never scheduled last minute. She knows about them well in advance.
Pretty much everyone I've known in the military has had a regular work schedule with minimal last minute changes .. relocations and such were a little less organized from what I've seen, but the daily grind was pretty consistent.
I don't think the OP is
I don't think the OP is necessarily arguing that he never works weekends .. I think it's more about him knowing a week in advance (evidenced by him telling the skids), but not giving her any type of advanced notice.
If it were actually a work commitment that came up last minute, I think she would be much less irritated.
Actually, I am prior military
Actually, I am prior military and had the same job as him. He has set days. Period. In fact my stepson in law works with him and was telling me about the shift he was going to. And this conversation happened over a month ago. He has had plenty of time to contact me. They work 12 hour shifts. 3 days on, 3 off. Even notifications for shift changes come in a week in advantance. I am not frustrated that he has a change in schedule, and I'm willing to give him a day here and there. I'm frustrated that I heard from my children a week ago this might happen and a family member over a month ago. And the ex waited 24 hours before hand and than tells me I'm not willing to work with him. So, my family should reschedule a visit, I should reschedule my surgery, everyone should drop what they are doing, because he has now decided to share this information with me?? If I was posting about the BM rather than as one on this, no one on this website would agree to that.
LOL BioMomof2. LOL.
LOL BioMomof2. LOL.
I told him what we have
I told him what we have planned and when I could work with him. I'm being inflexible so back to court we go. Told him our plans, family from 4 hours away are coming, have tickets to the amusement park... And the days he wants are SO days off so we already have plans. It's just got good enough for him. This coming up weekend is my weekend and I offered Thursday for dinner 5pm-8pm. I was told it isn't enough time. This is why I get so damn frustrated!!!!!!
"Retarded asshole"!!!!! See
"Retarded asshole"!!!!! See now you are starting to understand!!!!
Let me tell you a little something about this father. Paid the same CS to his oldest the whole 14 years. His 1st ex never did an increase. She never made him pay his half of medical like he was suppose. I would mail her checks on the side, he would notice and cancel them with the bank. So when he was taken back to court to help with college he lied and told the judge he would give her his GI bill. Turned around and actually emailed me that he was signing it over to our kids and hasn't paid one cent of the new order for over a year to his oldest. She was days away from being kicked out of school. She is working, has scholarships and doing her best. I'm not even her parent and I'm proud of what she is doing at 19. He on the other hand couldn't even pick up the phone and congratulate her on her high school graduation.
LOL I think you may be
LOL I think you may be right...
I appreciate that. That is
I appreciate that.
That is actually why I post for help here as a BM. I know I'm too close to the situation. I do get ALOT of bandwagon pro dad stuff, until everyone calms down and hears me. Than the advice is great.
Sometimes I'm just not sure what to do. I was told by a lawyer here offering him ANY time is working with him. And if he doesn't like what I offered to damn bad. It is in our court order to notify the other party 30 days in advance to any changes. This is a father than when I emailed him that it was Sunday and I just noticed both my headlights were out, no auto store was open, would he meet me at the gas station I could walk to to get the kids back and he said NO I will not change the court order for you. Figure it out but if the headlights don't work, I'm calling the cops and you will not drive away with my kids. Actually found some Sapir headlights we forgot we bought and changed them out. He had the cops sitting there asking to see if my headlights were operational!!!!!!
He is being garnished now.
He is being garnished now. But still over a year in arrears. They take about $200 extra a month... At this rate it will take over 3 years for him to get caught up.
"So it seems like he is
"So it seems like he is guilty of last minute notice. But it also seems like you were being inflexible. You originally planned for him to have the kids. So if you had planned for them to be gone, that means you didn't have plans with them Saturday night. So why couldn't you agree to the change in time?
Because by refusing to do that, I think you are escalating the situation."
I absolutely think this hits the nail on the head. I know that this was probably not OP's explicit intention, but it's exactly what happens. Our BM does similar things all the time .. if our plans don't accomodate what she wants 100%, it's a no go.
Okay, let me try to explain.
Okay, let me try to explain. I do not meet him alone. EVER!!! I meet in the police department parking lot and have had to call 911 more times than I would like to count. So I always have someone go with me. My SO was working, everyone I contacted was working or already had plans. I have surgery scheduled in 8 days, and by night, I have taken about 4 pain pills and will not drive my kids. So it wasn't me being inflexible. It was I will meet you when I have someone to go with me. That happened to be 930 am the next day. I do not look at my time without my kids as a good thing. They have only ever been away from me for 3 nights, 2 days at a time accept for 1 1 week vacation with dad. I am the only parent they have had. I work in my daughters school, homeschool my son, have always done all appointments, homework. Everything.
That is an AWESOME idea!!!!
That is an AWESOME idea!!!! And than the taxi driver would be my witness if need be.
Funny thing, this man is in arrears over a years worth of child support, has violated the RO more times than I can count, and has been caught in lies by the judge. And I'm wrong because I will not ask how high when he says jump!!!!!
At the end of the day, I
At the end of the day, I don't think a judge will hold it against you for following the court order. If he can't get the kids on his days because of his work schedule, the responsibility shouldn't fall to you to accomodate him.
I understand the "appearance" in court he's going for is that you're not working with him .. but I wouldn't worry about that. It sounds like you DO try to be flexible when the circumstances allow for it. I don't think a judge would ever hold that against you. Besides, you will likely have plenty of documentation from your doctor supporting your story if it ever did get dragged into court.
I apologize if you felt attacked. Best of luck on your surgery and recovery!
Yep, good old Kaiser,
Yep, good old Kaiser, everything is online, I can go to court log into my medical records right there and so the judge straight off their website.
I think I would just tell him
I think I would just tell him that you understand that he has changing work demands but that you will not be able to meet his work schedule until near the end of the month as you made vacation and family visit arrangements around his original schedule.
Let that be the end of it.
We battled this same crap for nearly the entire Custody/Visitation/Support CO for my SS. They wanted what they wanted and would get pretty shitty with us if we did not work with them. However, heaven forbid if we asked for anything at all. Invariably they would manipulate, etc... to the point where we could not do the things we asked for anyway due to the delays. Our CO gave DickHead 7 weeks of visitation/yr. 5Wks Summer, 1Wk Winter, 1Wk Spring break.
We were allowed 10days of visitation with the Skid in the middle of the 5Wk Summer visitation but no earlier than 2wks after his Summer visitaiton started. Following our 10days the kid would return to them for the remainder of their five weeks. They would lose no time. They would constantly push for more time at all visitations regardless of proximity to the Skid needed to be home for school, etc, etc, etc....
but when we invoked a clause of the CO they would not even support that.
One summer we requested 10Days in the Summer over July 4th and they fell off of the planet, no responseThe never surrentered the kid. So from then on we requested 10days mid summer visitation every year and filed contempt charges each time they refused to give up the kid. They never surrendered him so we ended up with several contempt motions against them. Not that we ever intended to actually take the time but to keep their idiot asses wrapped around the legal axle and to maintain leverage for when we really wanted something.
I would be very careful about setting a precident with him that might jeopardize your RO or the established CO. What you are doing is not manipulative or vindictive it is just following the schedule that you planned your summer around.
IMHO of course.
Sincerely,
""I would be very careful
""I would be very careful about setting a precident with him that might jeopardize your RO or the established CO. What you are doing is not manipulative or vindictive it is just following the schedule that you planned your summer around.""
Thank you Rags. This is also my concern with him. I NEVER met him alone. SO leaves for work about 45 mins later than normal on dads Fridays just to go with me. SO has actually called out of work just to be there with me at a pick up. As it ended up working was SO didn't go to work Saturday because I have a massive gallstone, surgery set in a week, and I had been throwing up all day. It was a completely different Saturday night than I had planned. Once I figured out I was going to have my kids (FYI, I was watching SD all weekend for SO so it wasn't a kid free weekend) I planned movies, popcorn ball making, fort building... But it ended up with me in bed all day and night. SO thinking about taking me into the ER. It wasn't a good time. Woke up, took the kids to IHOP and off to see dad. I'm the mom that got a call this morning when BD got to school that she left something here Sunday could I bring it to here. And that was the first thing I did. SO and I have been together for 2 years and have had 4 no kids dates. My kids are my favorite people. In fact, with all the problems with SD my SO tells me I don't understand, everyone loves my kids because they are awesome, so I have no idea how it feels to have everyone hate your kid.
Thank you!!! I really
Thank you!!!
I really appreciate your opinion and you coming back to read the facts. It sucks that it can't be more flexible between us, if he was less of an ass, I would love it to be. I would love to call him and say hey, I have something going on tonight, want a couple hours with your kids??? But unfortantly this man has taken me to court because I live with my SO, has taken me to court for not spending enough time with my kids without SO, for driving drunk with the kids ( lunch in the middle of a day trip to a city 2 hours away, I had 1 beer 6 hours before we headed home, and fact, I didn't drive home) for my address ( got told I have a RO he doesn't get my address) took me to court because I have 4 cats (seriously WTF??? Litter box is cleaned everyday, in fact CPS showed up and told me to come clean their house!!!!!) Took me to court because our daughter split her chin open, again WTF??? They are kids. She was at the ER within 15 mins had stitches is good to go. Threated court because our son fell off his bike, again WTF?? He has know how to ride with no training wheels for 4 months he will fall. That is why he wears a helmet and the rule is I see them on their bike with no helmet, no bike the rest of the day or the next day.
Trust me this list is LONG but I could go on
Judge gets irate over this
Judge gets irate over this stupid crap. Which is why I have sole legal custody in a state that prefers joint. He sees it as well, she is a woman so she sides with me. He doesn't see how he does anything wrong. It is all well, the judge is a woman, the kids lawyer is a woman, their counselor is a woman. All our fault!!!
It is just stupid pointless crap that he will lose his kids over. And that will somehow be my fault too.
Parenting is a job that was
Parenting is a job that was designed to be shared fulltime. When someone is on their own with their kids the bulk of the time they can become exhausted and really look forward to the breaks. I know, I have been there. I would have plans to kick back and relax, I would be looking forward to them, only because I was exhausted from raising children, working fulltime, running a household etc alone.