I agree with Echo. I hate my SD16 so much just the site of her makes me crazy, but I have tried my best for years to deal with her for my DH. I know it's difficult, but if you want your husband to treat your son with any compassion, you'll need to do the same.

I would say for visits there's nothing wrong with you going to do your own thing, but to restrict food, and space is a bit much. To have them "camp out" in the family room could be made to be fun and special just for the two of them, but you would need to present it that way, to save your relationship with your husband.

If you can't treat this kid like your own child you have no business being a step parents, which it sounds like your not parenting thsi kid at all. I wouldn't want to be with a man who would let anyone treat his kid this way.

Why would you marry this guy?

Better yet, why would a man marry a woman who hates his child and wants to ensure he is treated as unwelcome as humanly possible?

" I want to run something by you ladies/gents and see what you all think."

If DH already agreed to all this, why do you feel a need to 'run it by' here? For that matter, why not just rent SS/DH a room at the local Motel 6 EOWE and be done with it?

Yes it's harsh but I will agree with the food stuff.

We were never allowed just to go eat anything we wanted as children. That's part of why there are so many fat kids out there. We never went hungry.

I think you need to look at being realistic... having him restricted to one room is a little much. You dont have to spend time with him, but he needs to be allowed access to the house like anyone else who lives there. However, I dont see a problem with him sleeping on a couch instead of sharing your sons room, and there is no reason for any child to be in a parents room without permission.

If your son also needs to ask permission for food, then I dont see a problem with that either. Our kids have to ask for snacks because they have issues controlling portions - case in point SS14 just ate 28 granola bars in 4 days. I'm not saying restrict food, but giving proper meals and snacks to avoid being eaten out of house and home too. It will be a lot harder to ask DH to enforce hard rules if your DS gets free reign... especially the longer you live together... and it will be even harder as SS gets older and really notices the difference in treatment.

Glad to see I'm not the only one that thinks this is too much.

If FDH and SS are confined to the family room, are you going to monitor your DH's movements to ensure that he is the one getting food/drinks for his son?

I understand not wanting to feel like a prisoner in your own home, but what you're doing is making SS feel like a prisoner instead. If you're concerned about SS wrecking havoc that is on DH. DH needs to make sure his son isn't causing havoc.

The rule of not going the bedrooms sounds okay, but the other rules seem very unfair. I'm surprised DH agreed to live with someone who can't stand to even be in the same room as his son. If it's that bad maybe ya'll shouldn't live together.

I am a little confused as to why you would buy a two bedroom home when there is another child involved. He deserves hiss own space as much as your son. I know you said YOU bought it but does that not count as your husbands home too and therefore this boys home as well even if it is eow. By you setting so many restrictions for YOUR home you are not only alienating this kid and making him feel like an unwanted guest, you will eventually alienate your dh. I think all of this is going to lead you to a whole world of hurt.

Maybe if you made him feel like a part of your family when he is with you, he would learn to act as one of the family. Maybe he hasn't had a structured family life and only spoiling one on one attention from his parents that he doesn't know how to be a member of a family with a sibling. Trust me I get the resentment, but I think with the boundaries and the this is mine or my sons type of thing it's just going to make life harder

If your DH has any backbone those rules set by the tyrant will not last.

If everyone is giving you the same reaction then perhaps you should take a second and look at what you wrote and look introspectively at yourself.

Before you & your dh put these rules into place, you need to think about how you'd feel if your son's sm (if he has one) made him feel like a visitor in his Dad's own home, a place wher he should be able to feel loved and included. I'm sure your kid wouldn't like it. No kid would. Forget the fact that ss isn't at your home full time. He shouldn't be made to feel like a visitor at his parent's home. No wonder so many sks act out-they're made to feel like visitors at their other parents homes. Even if they don't live there full time, they deserve to not feel like outsiders. It seems like many do so it is no wonder they act out.

You're giving your ss a reason to act out towards you. So many SMs here don't do a thing wrong and get treated like dog $hit. So if you get the same treatment from your ss if these asinine rules are implemented, I cannot and will not offer you a bit of sympathy.

"wants something he needs to ASK his father and HE will get it for him. I would not let anyone elses kids in our fridge/cabinets so why would/should it be ok for a kid who is only here EOWE?"

To answer this question, no, it shouldn't be ok and I can't believe there are people who do think this $hit is ok.

Is it bad that I read this post and thought of my daughters cat that isn't allowed downstairs because my DH has s cat allergy and my dog that isn't allowed upstairs because he will piss the carpet?

...except this is a kid.

I feel for you, Tasha!! People have said the way I see my situation is wrong/mean etc but I also see my dh's kid as a visitor in our home. You will never care for a skid the way you do your own child. I don't even like my skid, let alone love her and I sure as hell don't want her around. I deal with it because I have to if I want to be with DH. But I didn't plan her, didn't carry her in my stomach, don't want her and don't love her. My one suggestion would be that your DH could go buy food for the skid before he comes over, that way you don't have to worry about him putting his grubby little hands on your stuff.

Holy crap??? Really?? This is your DH's child, not some stranger. He has every right to look for food. What's next? Padlocks on the pantry and fridge??

I get you don't want him in your bedroom. I'm the same way and DH's kid is not allowed in our upstairs area which is our bedroom and office. There is nothing there that belongs to her and nothing in those rooms that she needs.

But she is welcome to the rest of the house. There are a few food rules and those are to ask before eating to make sure that A. it's not one of my only snacks I can have and B. not leftovers I was planning on using for a family meal. Otherwise as long as she lets us know when she's used the last of something, then she can eat anything she can heat up in the microwave.

You seem to want to jail this kid. Like it or not, he's a part of your life now. I can't believe your DH is so PW'd that he'd put up with your horrible rules.

My DH would have told me to go play a rousing game of hide and go f**k yourself if I told him these were my house rules.

Tasha, i will commend u on backing away and NOT hitting your skid, not verbally abusing him, not over disciplining him etc. I have seen things here that upset me on ST of that nature too many times.

But this is not a good long term solution. Id really advise some form of family therapy to move into a better game plan than this one.

I used to live with kids who would eat all my food and drink all my pop. And if I actually chilled the pop, forget it, a 12 pack was gone in a day. I had to hide some of my food in my bedroom closet and keep the rest of my food in the garage fridge with a big sign making it off limits. It was awful. Needless to say that relationship didn't last.

Kids who can't respect food boundaries are hard to live with. My current SS will eat a ton but he's still skinny, and he won't eat food that I set aside in the fridge. It's kind of an unspoken rule that he respects.

Does SS know you and DH have gotten married and purchased a home yet? You said SS has not had a visitation for a bit. I'm just curious when the first attempt in the new house is and how DH will explain to SS the 'house rules'. Or at first will DH just let SS believe it's like when Dad rented a spare room at his friends and SS won't know that this house is actually Dad's new permanent home.

WOW! You certainly do have your DH by the short hairs. The house is in your name only but he pays for it, he was renting a room in someone else's apartment so he really has to live by your rules or else. Nice way to start a marriage. You must be very naive or young if you do not see the handwriting on the wall and think all these women who have been there and done that are wrong.

You hate skid because you see BM and you treat him like crap which will hopefully push him further out of his dad's life. You really don't see any moral or ethical problem with doing this and you don't see how this can negatively affect you.

You must have been one spoiled princess to be such a horrible adult. The fact that you lack any empathy for this kid based on who his mother is and that is something this kid has no control over is hysterical. The more time this kid spends with BM the more he will pick up her mannerisms and traits so you really are cutting your nose off to spite your face.

What are you going to do when BM finds out and gets pissed that you are effing up her kid psychologically? If she has half a brain she will have that kid in counseling and have children's services on your door step for mental abuse. I have a feeling this shit is the tip of the iceberg with you. The next step is to have you barred from any contact with skid so there goes dad's time with him and then she modifies CS and up that goes. All because you can't be a grown up and suck it up. Maybe if you and DH actually spent quality time with the skid and worked on his BM behaviours that repulse you so much he might end up being fun to have around and a nice kid.

Thanks for reinforcing the evil SM image. It is just what we all need.

Holy shitballs...I can't EVER, see myself as a MOTHER, treating ANY child this way. Step or NOT. I get the whole, random kids/guests aren't supposed to open refrigerators and just help themselves. It is rude.
However, this is not a RANDOM person in your home. This is your HUSBANDS child. Now, step out of the SM role for a minute.
You love your child. Your child is the most important person in the world to you.
Do you not think that is EXACTLY how your DH feels about his son?
Do you REALLY think that the day won't come, when your DH is going to snap out of whatever trance he is in and he is going to resent you and more than likely LEAVE you?
Room or no room, I'd rather live in a ROOM with my son and know that he is surrounded by love, whether or not I am the only person loving on him than to be in a HOUSE with a person who hates my child and makes it FULLY KNOWN.
You do not deny food to anyone. That is cruel, it is evil, it is petty. You are TEACHING your OWN SON that you can deny another human being food. That is all types of fucked up right there.
I am a huge believer in Karma. Karma will bite you hard. Treat others as you would wish to be treated. I treated my SS20 like if he was a member of our family, he later turned into a huge dick, however, I expect blessings by the bucket loads because I treated him fairly, with love, kindness and generosity. How he turned out is on him. I'm sorry Tasha, this is just really dark and mean and wicked. It's why SMs get such a bad rap.

I think the skid staying out of bedrooms is normal.

I think skid asking and not just grabbing all food whenever and whereever seems reasonable if you don't want him eating all your groceries or taking things he shouldn't. For young kids they aren't allowed in the fridge or pantry. Once they get older, like your Bio and Skid's age I am more like - you don't have a broken arm so go get it yourself.

What sounds weird is your statement about the kid only being able to stay in the living room. Is the kid sleeping in the living room too? That's kind of strange. I guess if you can't trust the kid in your bio's room, or his room is too small, and you don't want him in your room it makes sense, but hopefully this has been proven and you aren't just punishing him without cause.

Given your living situation what you're doing sounds fine to me but I think it's the attitude you project that worries people. If you had another bedroom it sounds like you'd still treat your SS like a visitor and not a part of the family. Just because he technically is a visitor doesn't mean you should treat him that way because he's also technically family and family trumps the visitor card. If he is bad he can be disciplined but he shouldn't be treated worse simply for being a step kid, i.e. the red headed step child.

Where do women find these sorry fathers?

Why would anyone AGREE to have their child treated like an animal??

First of all when dh and I first got together I was with him all the time when he had skid. We all did things together the 4 of us. Then skid became mouthy, rude, bossy, sore loser, always whining and complaining like everything was everybody elses fault and he did no wrong etc.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sounds like when DH and I first got together. Know what I did? I did not marry or live with DH for over 8ish years.

You asked if you were being harsh and out of live. Yes you are. Very much so. If I told DH that or he told me that about the others kids...it would be over. I am very surprised your DH is ok with this.

Oh and PS...When SS turned 15ish and moved away...I married DH because I though it was safe..lol....Then,
BM flaked out about 6 months later and sent SS to live with us. Just remember...it can always happen.

Here is the whole problem with Tasha, she posted this in April about the BM asking the dad to get the kid a haircut.

..."U should take him for a hair cut he won't go for me and he looks like a chia pet". (REALLY BITCH??? #1 who is the parent?

Obviously BM is the parent but what Tasha doesn't seem to understand is that her DH is also the parent! Just because the kid is not with his dad full time does not make his dad less of a parent.

Really Tasha you want to know who comes across as a bitch here?

Hey Tasha, I am sure this is a soon to be retired post and hopefully you will still belong to the ST community.

Forgive me if this is going to sound like "psycho babble"...but perhaps your resentment and need to establish boundaries for your DHs Son...has more to do with how you feel about your BS Father and how your DH treats his ex:

1)You mentioned that your ex pays little to no attention to your son and doesnt pay the full CO Child Support, whereas your DH pays close to a $1000 plus extras...(I can see why you would have resentment as your ex does f all and yet your DH goes above and beyond for his ex and gives in to her demands(maybe not now but at some point).

Well its evident your ex is either a) an asshole or b)very immature or c) all of the above...maybe your ex just really burned you and you have some of that residual anger being brought out into the present...I understand because after being burned once, you vow to yourself to never let that happen again.

2)It seemed that at one point your DH was being manipulated by the BM and was giving into her requests. Perhaps at the beginning of your relationship?, until you intervened and rightly so. Because if you give a BM an inch especially if they are money oriented, they'll take a mile. Your probably asking yourself, well Im a BM im not like this?(trust me, I ask myself this when SOs ex pulls this money crap. I know my ex would tell me to F OFF if i tried this).

I think you have resentment for what happened to you in the past and how your DH treated his ex in the begining of the relationship and its now translating into hating the skid.. Most sons have a soft spot for their moms, much like fathers and daughters(just my theory).
Some skids really do Suck, trust me I know.... especially if they look like the BM or have the same materialistic expectations...its hard not to hate the skid at that point.
After reading everyone's responses and someone wrote "your Dh will resent you or your setting yourself up to fail." It really hit me because thats exactly what will happen.
Sometimes I too say or request unreasonable things and then I go back to it and think okay, thats not fair. I think everyone does this.

Maybe when the Skid is over, take you and your son out for most of the day..that way the house wont be divided as much...or instead of sleep overs, have your DH pick up his kid and they go out for the day. Its not CO that a child has to sleep over at a parents place, however it is CO to pay CS.
Your DH is currently paying enough money for his son to have a room at his mothers place, thats part of what CS is for. Otherwise, your DH wouldnt pay anything as residency is at his moms, unless its shared custody.

This is not written on the wall yet, you still have time to alter some of your requests, which we all empathize with, some of them just need to be changed.

Good Luck!

if you consider this child a guest to the home, you are not a very good hostess. skids are either treated like a guest and made to feel comfortable, or as one of the kids and are given the same treatment. he should have his OWN private stash of food that no one else is allowed to touch. if YOUR kid doesn't have to ask for permission for food, then neither does he. you are treating this child worse than you would a neighbor's child. if you want privacy, you have your room, as does your son. escape there if you need to. what you are doing is emotionally abusing this boy and your dh "needs" you so bad he is allowing it. karma is a bitch. your ex is starting to come around and spending time with your son? don't be surprised if your own son gets a "wicked" step-mother too. honey, what you put into this world, you get out of it. enjoy YOUR home. why did you marry your dh? do you not realize this hurts him? but it's ok because you have your rationalization? i'm ashamed for you.

As some of the others have stated I don't have a problem with SS not going into your bedroom. I don't have a problem with SS not going into your son's bedroom. But imo, he should be invited by your son for games, etc. Who really cares what BM does, says or thinks???

But with that said, YOUR son should not be allowed in SS's (temporary) bedroom/living area. NO EXCUSES.

SS should have some sort of bed put up in there while he is there not just a mattress on the floor.

Why should he be made to ask for food if your son is not required to?

When I have guest in my home I show them the towels, the snacks, the drinks and tell them to help themselves. If I think the priviledge will be abused I would limit what I put out each day.

I don't understand the concept of having "personal" food in a home unless it is for health reasons.

I don't understand limiting a child from certain rooms unless it is bedrooms.

*** EDited to Add** IMO, by requiring all of these limitations on the SS but allowing your son free access you are teaching your child to be selfish and entitled!

THIS IS MESSED UP! I'm going to put it out there and say it because reading this is making my blood boil. He is a freaking KID. your DH's kid he is not a visitor or a guest he is part of your DH's family. SS10 spends the summers with us and he gets on my last good nerve. He threw a bottle at my head he eats everything in site and he even pees on trees. But he is DH's son and your skid is your DH's son and your DH loves him as much as you love your kid. It doesn't matter if he is in your house foe two minutes. He does not deserve to be treated like an outsider. He has to ask to eat my food but my BS can eat whatever and he has to stay in one room and watch my BS roam the house. What kind of crap is that? If anyone treated my kid like that or even had the nerve to open their mouth and ask for even one of those rules they would have an earful. If your DH puts up with this shitty treatment of his kid just to have a place to stay than he can come stay in my guest room and your SS can have fun playing with all the boys STEPS and BS7months all around my house.

I'm sorry and mabey I will get flagged for this but I can't just stay mum.

So, TASHA, it sounds like you haven't yet had your SS stay at your new house yet, or you haven't had to stay with him at all yet? Your new rules, you did put them out for everyone's opinion, so I have to think even you might think they are a little stringent. And that's why I'm not worried about all your restrictions that you're planning. Maybe you're just stressed about having to live with your SS? That's understandable. Especially if you haven't lived with him before. Maybe it's just hard for you to accept, or it's just your way of trying to maintain control over your environment.

Let me tell you, when I first moved in with SO and SS, I became a total germaphobe, and I still am when it comes to SS, don't like him touching anything I use, especially kitchen utensils. It's my way of trying to control my environment and cope with the stress of adjusting to a kid who wasn't raised with my values and may not meet my standards. I wonder if all your proposed rules are the equivalent of my germaphobia.

You're just at a stage where you can't think of your SS as part of your family. Maybe it feels awkward. It seems like your proposed rules are a way to get as close to what you really want, which is to be rid of SS. And that's natural too, many of us would ideally like to be rid of our skids but not really because that would make our DH's unhappy.

Once you do experience staying with SS, you may see that your proposed restrictions don't work as planned, and you can change them.

I want insult you.

But Im very curious of one thing?

Purple or teal? What color did you dye your husband's testicles before making them into earrings and how did you talk his ex wife into handing them over?

I am shocked by this.... It just sounds mean. He is a kid. You are an adult. You need to get into counseling and learn to deal with it better. I'm not saying that to be mean, I had to get into counseling to be a better step mom too!! Good luck...

Tasha, I do get where you are coming from on some points, it is not the easiest thing to have someone else's kids in your home. But at the end of the day, it is your husband's son, and your home is not the same as him renting a room from friends.

I get the food thing, but you need to be a little less strict about it. I don't let my own kids just open the fridge and take whatever because I want to make sure they're not just eating cookies and crap all day. If that were the reason your SS can't just go in the kitchen and help himself, I think everyone here might be a little more understanding, but it doesn't sound like it is. You don't want him taking stuff you meant for yourself or your DS, but in the end it is just food and can be replaced, it's not that big a deal. What if he just asked, hey, is it ok if I have one of these Jellos or can I have a granola bar, would that be ok? Then if its the last one or you were planning something with one thing or another, you could say no, but you can have this or that. It just seems a little harsh that certain things would be completely off limits to him unless it is something like a birthday cupcake or a candy bar bought especially for your son, etc. kids need to be able to snack, and surely your son or you do not need a entire package of cookies or whatever for yourselves. Families share.

Regarding the rooms, I get not allowing SS into yours. Our bedroom was always off limits to my step kids because that was my personal space. But I think you need to relent on your son's room for the weekends SS is there. Set up a cot, a trundle, bunk beds or something for him. Your son would probably like having bunk beds anyway. Is it ideal? No, but this is your son's stepbrother, and they need to learn to get along if you truly believe your marriage is forever. Realistically, your SS isn't going anywhere, and he's still young, so you have quite a few years left of his EOW visits.

When I had my daughter, we had a 3 bedroom home. My DH has a son and a daughter with his ex, and as they got older, having those 2 share a room was not appropriate. So his daughter had to share my daughter's room. Did I love the idea? Not really. And I was a little resentful of his son having his own room that sat empty for a majority of the time. But it was what it was, we could not have a 13 year old boy and a 9 year old girl sharing a room, so I sucked it up, put a bed in my baby girl's nursery and dealt with it. It was just for every other weekend, not every day. When my son was born, we had a bigger house, my daughter had her own room, mySD had her own room, and my SS was nearly 18 and didn't always spend the night, but when he did, I had a futon for him in my son's room. Again, not ideal but it was what had to be. My DH has kids that aren't mine, that is the reality of the situation. We stepmoms have to suck it up a lot of times and deal with kids we didn't choose or give birth to, but if we love our DHs, we have to make certain concessions and at the very least, tolerate our steps and make them feel welcome, because they are part of the family, even if they are not part of us.

Right now you are newlyweds and everything is sunshine and roses, but eventually I think your DH is going to want more for his son than what you are offering, especially when he gets to be a teenager. Maybe once you settle into an EOW routine, you will feel differently about all of this, and realize its not completely fair. You keep saying its just 4 days a month, so maybe you will learn to just suck it up for those 4 days, instead of making it so that your SS has to. I get that he has a room at his mom's, and trust me, I felt the same way about my step kids at times too, but I also knew they love their dad and he loves them and they shouldn't be made to feel that they are just visitors EOW. Step kids didn't ask to have their parents living separately, and honestly I can't imagine what that must be like because my parents have been married for over 40 years. I know it must be pretty hard, even though my step kids were really little when their parents split and never really knew a life of one home and their parents together. And trust me, my step kids never lacked or wanted for anything, and this sounds weird to say but they are probably better off with having divorced parents because their mom literally gave themEVERYTHING growing up and they never would have been so spoiled had my husband had a say. But that's beside the point, my point is, I get how tough it is to have this "strange" kid take over your house EOW, and when my steps were kids, Sunday night sometimes could not come soon enough, and when the BM would ask to trade weekends and we'd have them 2 weekends in a row, boy did I get step kidded out! But I also knew that my DH would be resentful and hurt and mad if I was ever unfair or mean to his kids so I bit my tongue at times, did things that didn't necessarily make ME happy and learned to go with the flow cuz I love my DH and while I did not pick his kids, I did pick him.

i may not be popular with my comment here, but i figured i'd throw in my 2 cents...

IMHO, i really dont think what tasha's asking is all that horrible. now, i think maybe her delivery could use some improvement sometimes it's not what you say, it's how you say it that counts.

here's some of my background - my mom was in a bad situation so she ended up giving custody of us to my dad (cuz he's super-duper stable) with EOWE visitations. she eventually got remarried and had a few more kids. she was never expected to provide bedrooms for him and i. she was never expected to provide a separate wardrobe for us. we brought our toothbrushes and a change of clothes, and crashed in the livingroom- i always tried to 'call' the recliner, it was so comfortable to sleep in! our visitation was like tasha's ss's - pick up on sat a.m, drop off sun p.m. one night overnight, twice a month. why provide a whole separate space that will only get used for 8 hours, twice a month? we also were raised to respect others' personal space, so we wouldnt ever consider invading someone's bedroom without an invite or at least a knock.

my brother and i did not feel slighted that we didnt have our own rooms at mom's but our half-sibs did. we didnt live there! we HAD our own rooms, where we lived. and yes, we *were* visiting- that's why it was called 'visitation' not 'partial physical custody'. and we were ok with it!

we also ALWAYS asked permission for food. to us, it was called manners. both at mom's house, AND at home. we ate actual meals instead of gorging in the pantry all day. we had after-school snacks that were purchased for that specific purpose. aside from that, out of politeness and respect and consideration for all other family members, we asked. it also helped my parents ensure that we had a well-rounded diet, since they could better monitor what we were eating.

for example, we always had bread and butter with dinner, there were 5 of us - "mom i'm getting hungry, can i have a piece of toast?" "not right now, dinner'll be ready in 20 minutes." or "no, not toast, whats left of that loaf is with dinner- have a half a bagel or an apple instead."

this was simply how it worked for us, and we enjoyed how it worked. maybe we're just weird... }:)

So, anyhoo- Tasha, i think your rules are ok, but i'd be very careful how you implement them. if your DH is on board, great. but if you love your DH, you'll ensure that his flesh and blood, no matter how much you dislike the kid, does not feel isolated or treated like a lesser being. i wouldnt say "these are the rules!" but i'd sit the whole family down and say "now that we're married and living here, this is how things are going to be- act with respect towards eachother." then detail how you expect things to go.

and put it in place for everyone, yourself included! let both kids hear you- "hey DH, were u planning on eating those cheeze-its, or can i dig in?" i like one earlier poster's comment about timing the grocery shopping. i'd make sure SS had some things he liked, but if there was 'special treats' for you own son i'd buy them after ss left, hide them (*nicely*!! "son i got those for you but there's not enough left to share with everyone- i dont want to make ss feel bad, so why dont you put them in your closet until sunday night?") or simply buy enough to go around for the two days he's there.

it'll be a tough adjustment, having DH/SS visitation under your roof now. he might be a whiney, sniveling twerp, but he's your husband's son and as such should be treated with respect (again, MHO). there're plenty of things you can do to accommodate him and treat him like a human, without having to bend over backwards or feeling like a prisoner. an air mattress seems to overstate the point that he's a visitor (again, just my opinion!) with the inflating and deflating routine. any way ya'll could get a futon, or sofa bed, or even one of those foam chairs that unfolds into a bed? maybe a chest in the living room with his own blankets, pillow and PJ's? and if DH gets him special snacks, could he put them in one spot that SS is aware of?

i dont disagree with your new rules as i was raised that way myself. but this is going to be a hell of a transition for everyone- i'm sure you can find a way to handle things without coming across as a total bitch and treating ss like a LLF. big ass transition period- i'd do everything i could to make it as smooth as possible while setting the groundwork for how things are gonna go in your newly formed household. if ya start off antagonistic, it'll only get worse from there. he might be an irritating pain in the ass, but as your DH's kid, see if everyone can start this new phase of life off on the right foot. GOOD LUCK!!!!

Hi Tasha,
I agree with alot of what you said. I also make all the kids ask before they get something to eat. I want to make sure that they aren’t filling up on junk, eating something I’m planning on using in a meal, or eating right before dinner. We buy certain things specifically for snacking like granola bars and fruit or cereal.
I get where you are coming from on the bedroom thing as well. My BD13 and SD13 have to share a room and they don’t always get along (anyone with teen girls can understand that I’m sure).If it were possible for them to have separate spaces I would do so too. I think its important for every kid to have their own space.
I would do what I could to make sure skid felt at home and comfortable when he was there though, even if it isn’t very often.Im with posters suggesting that skid get to pick his own snack just like your BS.Maybe they could each have a plastic container in the pantry with their names on it, filled with their favorite snacks?
As for the family room I don’t see why it should be an issue that he play and sleep there. I don’t think he should be made to stay there every second as he should feel comfortable in the house too but maybe he could have his own day bed or futon and bedding that’s just for him when he comes over?
I understand having issues with the skid, believe me. I have 4 skids FT and while they all irritate me on some level (as does my own sometimes)I know that I have to do what it takes within reason to accommodate everyone. All kids should have an environment in which they feel loved, respected and secure. Since I love my man I will treat his kids as I do my own, no better or worse. I know how much I hate and resent it when I feel like FH is treating his kids better than mine.
Just some thoughts.

Okay - I've only gotten through three pages, and I can see both sides of things. While I do not have stepkids, My two have frequently had friends over, etc. The bedrooms were off-limits for "wandering" into. However, there were exceptions (invitation to play in kid's room, a sleepover and a guest who didn't feel well or whatever and knocked on my door, for example). Foodwise... I made a point of having a shelf in the pantry and a drawer in the fridge that was set aside for snacks that they were permitted to simply draw from w/o permission. Yes, they were asked to come to me before taking anything else. Not because it was MINE, but because I may have had plans for it that may not be immediately obvious. My kids DID know that there were some things that I sometimes got a craving for or used for lunch, and not to finish it off.

What *I* would do in your situation? MBR - off limits, except for the same rule your son has. Knock and be invited in, or stay out. I assume you would be even-handed on allowing entry. Your son's room? Same deal. However, I would try to find/create some space for your stepson to claim as his own. A place where permission needs to be asked to enter. A place where he can store his stuff and know that it is inviolable. (This was a huge deal for my kids, especially my daughter. She finally brought everything she cared about here, because she would go to her Dad's and find her stuff used, abused and ruined.)

Food? What *I* would do? Is create a space for your stepson to have the things HE likes set aside. Since he is only there a couple of weekends a month, quantities don't need to be large. But he could have some treats for himself that he does not have to ask permission for, that he can get for himself. Make him feel a bit more a part of the family, ya know? That he's not just an intrusion to your life.

You don't have to love him. You don't even have to like him. But, as an extension of your husband, it would be nice if you at least tolerated him and made him feel a bit welcome in the home his Dad and you share. I'd urge you to think about how you could do that, and talk to your husband about it.

SMH. I think I understand your rules and that you don't mean them to be as if the kid can't move around in the home. I think you mean he can't have free reign in the home as any kid couldn't. And I'm sure these rules didn't come out of the blue but were developed over time.

I don't want SS9 in fridge and cabinets either--not because I don't want him to eat. But because he eats Constantly and Everything until it's Gone! I mean that literally. We'd wake up at 7a and he's been up since 5a, eating entire cans of Pringles, drinking entire quarts of milk or juice, made EasyMac and all the while, he's left a trail of crumbs, spills and containers and dishes in his wake. Therefore the rule was implemented. I'm not a tyrant about it but after an incident this morning, I've just reminded DH that I'll be doing the talking to the brat since he doesn't about the Rules. He listens to me b/c He knows I don't play whereas he can easily blow DH off. I don't want him uncomfortable here but he will not be a disruptive force in my house every damn visit, esp for weeks at a time.

I don't allow him to sit on my new couch. He has to stay on the recliners. Why was this rule implemented? Because he spilled a cup of milk on a previous couch during one of his eating sprees and then simply turned the cushion over without telling us. As well, he doesn't wipe his ass well and he gets up and lays on the furniture in his drawers. He has no regard for furniture as in he bounces, sits on the arms and backs, sprawls upside down with feet on the walls so that rule came about.

He does not get to watch TV in the family room. Why? Because he'd watch cartoons for 10 hours straight if allowed and when we want to watch something he'd pout and carry on about not ever getting to watch TV, it's not fair, etc etc which is such a lie & drives me crazy. He is a very selfish child and only looks for negatives. He doesn't know how to share. So now he gets 1 hour of TV and if he wants to glaze over watching more when Dh is not Disney Daddying him, he has to do it on the smaller TV in his room.

He is not allowed upstairs if DH is not up there and I am. Why? Because he's a Creeper and more than once he's been caught peeping in, claiming to look for DH, or randomly standing outside the master bedroom door-can see his feet out there, just standing for 15 min at a time! He is NOT allowed in master bedroom at any time. Some spaces are sacred! Also because he totally makes a mess, leaving his towels on floor or just laying in bottom of tub, soaking wet. He leaves his clothes wherever he takes them off. He would get up, go downstairs and make a whirlwind of a mess. DH would clean upstairs where he'd already made a mess, then go downstairs in which SS would comeback upstairs during that time and re-destroy it and this just went back and forth. Finally I had to say "keep your tail one place or the other but you will not run all over the place making a mess and not even trying to clean up after yourself".

Now if I'd got on here and said 'Rules at our house is he can't eat without asking & can't sit on couch and can't watch TV in family room and can't go upstairs' it may seem harsh. But given the story, makes sense, doesn't it? So I get what you're saying--there's a rhyme and reason there. You may want to tweak the rules so that it's allowing for some bend simply for sake of your husband and child but don't abandon them.

Since DH is ineffective at setting and staying with a rule, I set them and I don't tolerate too much leeway. Sure, I want him to be comfortable here and I may not care for him as a kid but he is just a kid so I cut some slack in that regard. We've tried for years to teach him house decorum and manners and self-respect and cleanliness but we're up against the Wildebeest where he spends majority of the time now so by time we 'retrain' him during a visit, he goes back to No Rules land. But there will be rules here. Don't care what he thinks about it either. Lol

I just read through all 9 pages of comments. I don't know how I missed this thread before, but I just saw it now...

I feel like I am going to throw up after reading this. Tasha get some therapy. The way you feel about this child and the way you treat him and want to treat him are wrong, and not just the ideas you have about when he's at your house.

He's potentially going to be at your house for 33 hours a every two weeks, right? (Saturday- Sunday everyother week and three hours on Wednesday?) That's nothing. You've got to work through the resentments and anger you have.

Your heart and home are big enough for this little boy- even if he's grumpy or argues or is imperfect and like BM. He's a little boy. Buy extra snacks, welcome him, help him feel loved. Truly what do you lose by loving him or helping him to feel like he belongs?

Your heart is big enough for everyone (I tell my skids this). You can love him without losing anything. And in 20 years when you look back on this, suddenly the stupid "special" snacks won't matter so much.

Get some therapy, it can't feel good to have these thoughts and feelings all the time. you don't sound like a joyful, peaceful person, you sound miserable (and I don't intend for that to be an attack at all, just an observation).... Not to mention, like everyone said, it's not good for your marriage or for your DS to see this...
Please, please choose love instead.

My private space is just in my bedroom and that works out fine. The separating of groceries seems a bit odd to me unless someone is on a strange diet or needs it for a serious health condition.

I think that there is more to this story then what is being said.. :?