Tantrum over a stinkin' butterfly
We took SD7 on a lovely trip to New York this weekend...
[Bear in mind her mother never takes her anywhere and went to the beach two weeks ago without her.]
She got to meet my best friend, who took her to the beach, crafted flowery headbands with her, and introduced her to girls her age at a party. We then took her to NYC to visit my brother, with whom we had brunch and walked around Central Park.
...That's when the trouble started. She saw a butterfly. A gorgeous yellow Monarch butterfly. GIANT TANTRUM ensued. She ran away screaming (in freaking NYC!!!)and then erupted into pouty tears and refused to go within 30 feet of the butterfly.
Initial reaction: Dafuq?
Delayed reaction: What the hell kind of parenting is her mom doing to incite this kind of behavior? OH tells me BM's also deathly afraid of bugs (not butterflies, though) and that she pitches fits when they're around... and she's 25. Of course, after this episode happened, SD7 starts complaining that she misses her mom. I'm beginning to believe that her mother coddles her like crazy when this sort of thing happens.
Not this stepmom. Hell to the no.
The really funny part? She said she's not scared of white butterflies, just the ones with black on them. Her mom has a gross tattoo on her arm... of black butterflies. MWAHAHAHAHAHA.
As a child I was far from
As a child I was far from coddled. The absolute opposite in fact. I have an absolute fear of butterfly's. it's not the child, it's not BM. It just is.
I hear you......DH's doesn't
I hear you......DH's doesn't like anything with wings. Birds, moths, butterflies. All turn her from a semi-rational human being into an arm-flapping, daffy duck reacting idiot.
LOL!
LOL!
"I have an absolute fear of
"I have an absolute fear of butterfly's. it's not the child, it's not BM. It just is."
Do you run away screaming in crowded cities when you see them?
I don't know, dude. We had a talk with SD7 about the whole thing on the way home. OH said he's not going to tolerate that kind of (dangerous) behavior when she comes to live with us next month. If something's bothering her, she can tell us, calmly, but this running and crying thing is not OK. I asked her what it meant to be brave, and we talked about how even brave people are afraid.
That seemed to inspire her. She ASKED to see a picture of the butterfly. She wanted to look, to know which part was its head. Then, she said she was afraid of the hand dryer in a restaurant bathroom. I told her she didn't have to use it but to watch me be brave and use it. She immediately put her hands right under it. Then, there was a wet floor sign, and she was saying to herself "Be brave. Be brave," as she tiptoed over the wet spots.
I don't meat to invalidate your fears, but I think she's young enough that at least her *behaviors* surrounding them can be addressed. It's all well and good to be afraid of something, but no need to put yourself in danger because of an irrational fear. We didn't say this to her, but she could have been kidnapped when she ran like that. If we'd been near a street, she could have been hit by a car.
All I'm saying is this: It's one thing to be afraid. It's another thing to act out of fear. In our house, we encourage bravery. And that seems to work for her.
Exactly. Being afraid is one
Exactly. Being afraid is one thing, the reaction to it is another.
The correct reaction is to calm down the child (person) and teach them to be objective about what they're seeing. She may have had a nightmare or whatever, but feeding her fears by coddling her (ummmmm BM) is not making this easier on the child.
I do believe her BM coddles
I do believe her BM coddles her. I haven't seen this interaction in the context of butterflies, mind you, but I've seen the way she is around her. At SD7's birthday party, she was like a different child. With her mom and grandma around, she was stomping her feet and poking out her bottom lip whenever she didn't get her way... which was when the sun went behind a cloud, when a little boy was beating her at soccer, when it wasn't time to open presents yet... pretty much the whole time, actually.
We were shocked, because she never behaves this way at our house. She'll say she wants something, and we either give it to her (in exchange for a please and thank you) or explain that we don't get everything we want. No tantrums.
But BM talks to her in a baby voice and calls her "Mama." She's always picking her up and spinning her around and calling her a princess and whatnot. And then she gets really exasperated and yells at her after a while.
My worry is that the child is afraid of butterflies because they're on her mom's arm. OH said he saw her slap her once when she was a baby. He obviously told his then-wife that he would leave her if she ever did anything like that again, but he doesn't have that power anymore. I don't think she hits her, but I do wonder if SD7 is afraid she might.
<> I was in NYC when I was 4,
<>
I was in NYC when I was 4, only time. My only memory is walking up steps of large crowded dept store and 2 guys trying to kidnap a woman....the woman was screaming that was the guys that took her sister. I didn't let go of my Moms hand the rest of the trip.
Holy moly! And we thought
Holy moly! And we thought butterflies were scary.