SICK of the double standard

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For the love of Pete...

After years of PAS, police intervention and manipulation etc.. My DH finally took a stand with BM and SD13. Very long story short, BM was trying to dictate where and when I spend MY time.... Yes, not DH and SD13, but ME. She would refuse visitation if I was going to be around etc..

In the beginning, it was SD who had a hate on for me, so for awhile, I respected her feelings and stayed away, while her and DH repaired some bad blood.

It was only EOWE, (and only Saturday)so I just dealt with it. It gave DH a dose of how his precious is not some sweet little cream puff. After awhile, SD started to soften toward me and DH told her, "ok- next visit, OCS will be with us and moving forward she will not be excluded, we are a family." SD was agreeable. SD told BM, BM went off the rails and DH hasn't seen SD13 in about 5-6 wks. SD13 now tells him, "I was only saying I wanted to see OCS to make you happy." DH is standing his ground and unless I'm there, there is no visit. (because visitation is only 2x a month, it is always with cousins, grandparents etc)- This has solidified our marriage tremendously because I know he has my back.

Now, he's taking her back to school shopping, and he's so excited to see her that he doesn't see that he is simply a wallet. Its a tradition they have always had and he wants to keep it. (i don't go with them, I never have) and I don't think he's backing down in terms of no OCS, no visit.

Guaranteed they will end up far away from Old Navy, Walmart and Target... SD will have been schooled on where to shop by BM who wears the same size in shirts...

I'm happy he's able to see his daughter, but SICK of BM's constant manipulation with the whole situation. I understand that DH lets it happen, so please don't flame my post or DH. I'm simply posting to get it off my chest.

How do these otherwise great men, become so stupid with these things?!?

Honestly? It's two whole days

Honestly? It's two whole days a MONTH. I think this father should spend time with his teen daughter. Girls always need their fathers, and she will learn about men from her father.
I think you should not make this a pissing contest between you and she. (You claim him insisting you're around has "solidified your marriage.") Really? Don't pitch a fit and allow this man to see his daughter. Two days out of every 30 is nothing.

My SD didn't want me around. I didn't want to be around her. DH wanted to see his daughter and insisted I be there...because, after all, we are MARRIED. We are a TEAM. We are together. Etc. I told him to enjoy his time with her and I'd enjoy a little time to myself. Why force people to be around each other who don't want to be around each other? Just to "prove" you're a family? But you aren't a family. That's the simple truth.

^^^THIS^^^

Outtahere, **My SD behaved

Outtahere,

**My SD behaved similarly and was backed by her BM. My DH refused to be forced into this situation by her. He told her that he loved her, would always be here for her if she is in need and that she is welcome to visit anytime just to let us know when she wanted to come so that he could be sure to be here but that he wouldn't be leaving me out of his life because she had a problem with me being in his life. We are married and that would not change.**

this is kind of what happened with us. They talk almost daily and I know this is killing him, but by the same token, what message does it send that I stay away?

I also want to be very clear... BM did something criminal to me and when the police showed up, BM twisted it and convinced SD that I was lying and trying to get her Mommmmyyyyyy arrested. This is why I put police intervention in my OP.

By me staying away it shows her I did something wrong and I DID NOT. Her batshit ghetto mother did.

So, it's 'killing him' not to

So, it's 'killing him' not to see his daughter, but it is strengthening your marriage. Why put your DH, whom you love, in such a situation?

Yeah, yeah, I know it's BM doing it...but you're doing it, too.

And what did she do that was "criminal?" Bug you? I'm pretty sure if I'd called the cops on BM that my SD would have disliked me, too. Oh, wait, I DID call the cops on BM and SD DOESN'T like me.

again, sweetheart READ Where

again, sweetheart READ

Where does it say I made these demands? DH did.

offensive. BM has been on my

offensive.

BM has been on my last nerve for 4yrs. She did something that I had to stop the police from arresting her sorry ass. I refused to press charges when everyone said I should, including the cops.

You are clearly projecting. You are making comments with zero basis.

Honestly? I can do without

Honestly? I can do without the condescension...

1. I've been encouraging him to see her. SD's therapist has informed us that she is becoming an entitled brat because of the way everyone coddles and treats her. Strict boundaries were recommended and enforced.

2. What pissing contest? BM and I to some degree, sure, but not with SD. Maybe you should reread.

3. Solidified my marriage? hell yes. Perhaps you're ok with a BM telling you where and when you can be places. I'm not, and neither is the man who married me.

4. Where on earth does it say I pitched a fit? I don't "allow" my DH to do or not do anything. I'm sad for you that you use that terminology within the confines of your marriage. Your assumptions are off the mark.

And your 'simple truth'? is simple because you are. Happy weekend.

Wow, your panties sure got

Wow, your panties sure got twisted. :/

I've been in your situation. I think it is really selfish of you to insist that you be there in order for SD to see her father. They *should* be "allowed" to have a relationship...regardless of you and your existence. That's just my opinion.

It's TWO days a month. That's it. Your DH has only one "SD" and she has only one father.

I see you don't like the word "allow." Shrug. Then tell your DH you're happy for him to see his DD without you tagging along, and tell him you won't be mad and make him pay for it later.

I'd be willing to bet he'd spend time with his kid if he didn't think he'd get in trouble with you for doing so.

^^This - and we all knew

^^This - and we all knew these guys had kids...so to me it shouldn't be a fight in a marriage if someone wants to spend time with the kid.

I know plenty of times I want a break from SS and I suggest they go do something daddy/son...or sometimes they will go fishing or out riding four wheelers and come back late because SS wanted to ride longer and DH will come and say he is sorry and I say it's fine when they want to come home he will...there shouldn't be a guilt or arguement - yes it is nice that he says sorry but I have NEVER asked for him to say sorry because they were out having fun alone together...

I have never insisted

I have never insisted anything. Pleas tell me where you read this?

The above comment is to

The above comment is to OtterWater1.

Why is BM even being informed

Why is BM even being informed if you will be there or not?

Honestly your DH and SD should have some alone time and y'all should all have time

TOTALLY AGREE! On all

TOTALLY AGREE!

On all counts.

BM is nuts. Even when things were good, she called almost every hour.

SD is incapable of not picking up phone or saying nothing. DH- home- write later

LOL...I'm sorry you aren't

LOL...I'm sorry you aren't "allowed" to write on StepTalk if your DH is home.

Funny, how you pulled that line on me and how you felt sorry that I use that terminology in my marriage.

ridiculous- he walked in the

ridiculous-

he walked in the door- i went to say hi.

relax yourself.

You can't post when DH is

You can't post when DH is home? I will sit in the truck next to DH post/read on here...so he should feel guilty if your not around and you should be secretive about seeking advice? Maybe I'm misunderstanding... but sounds healthy....not.

BM should have no control...does it say anything in the CO that others can't be around when DH has SD? What does the exact CO say? If it says nothing your DH should demand he be able to see his child, and take her to court and file contempt.

It seems as though you are trying to tell him it has to be one way for you to be happy - like I said parents need alone time with children even when they are older I know next weekend though it'll be my brothers family, DH, myself, SS5, my stepdad and my mom at some point each child will be outside alone or on the couch with my mom as she lives out of state. You are showing BM she can win by your DH not standing up to her about the situation because he is trying to make you happy.

He walked in the door- I went

He walked in the door- I went to say hello.

You are seriously going to

You are seriously going to tell me that your DH knows what you post here? Verbatim?

Of course I can post when he's around, but in this house, when someone comes home from being out for awhile- you stop what you are doing and talk to each other.

BM should have no control, but over the years control is what she has. In my OP I said as much.

He knows I post here...I

He knows I post here...I don't know if actually reads it but I stay logged on the laptop I keep in the living room - if he wants to read it he can. Almost everything I post here I have discussed with him even petty stuff DH is my bestfriend and as mentioned previously he was a SDad when married to BM so some stuff he can actually give me advice on and others he knows I need to turn to another source. He also knows a lot of the stresses I have with BM that I don't post here I discuss with MIL as she is dealing with a similar BM she just gets to be a little more disengaged because of BIL9.

I wasn't trying to attack you for going and saying hi it was the way you posted it...personally our door goes straight into our living room so I can type and say hi and most of the time when my DH just gets home he is bringing stuff in or something and will just come sit beside me. Every household has its own dynamic of saying hello when someone comes in the door - if I am typing I typically finish and like I said he will sit down and we will talk that is just how I handle it...

Also like I have said what does the CO say? Your DH should look at that if it has nothing about you having to be absent he should file contempt she can't hold his kids hostage.

That's the BIGGEST issue.

That's the BIGGEST issue. There is no CO.

Up until me, she has always been a bitch, but always was more or less fair about visitation. It's like she hasn't let go completely.

DH and her had been together for about 9mos, they split up and 2mos later, she called to tell him she was pregnant. They got back to together for a hot minute, then split for good when SD was about 7mos old.

BM acts like I ruined their happy home, when in fact I came along 9 YEARS later.

She is now married with 2 more kids BTW.

DH is convinced going to court will make SD hate him and to be honest, the PAS is quite severe. I'm at a point now, where he will get my support with what he chooses and he chooses to no longer let SD and BM yoyo him around. When school starts back up, I think it will even out since he shoulders some extracurricular driving for sd13, he has and will parlay that into spending time with her. Sad, but it is what it is.

When BM gets angry, she comes after me. The next step is a RO and I don't want to do that.

I love this ^^ My DH works

I love this

My DH works offshore and so 6mnths out of the year he is home and 2/3 of that time we have SS - alone time is very important.

I absolutely agree. The

I absolutely agree. The problem was BM was seriously overstepping.

Sorry, but I agree with the

Sorry, but I agree with the op. My fdh sees his children every 10 weeks for 2 weeks (they live out of state) The older one would love nothing better than to never have to see me. BUT.... I am their fathers future wife (like it or not)
This is OUR home and I'm not about to skulk off into the shadows because a self entitled brat and his controlling manipulative mother would rather go back to the time when fdh was their emotional punching bag and walking atm.
Not having to see me does not mean I cease to exist. And I guarantee that your going to have one hell of an apology to make when you finally realise that it wasn't miss Flo who created the animosity and hurt that the manipulation has caused.
I certainly take a backseat when they're here (I've completely disengaged from the older on... the. Younger one is actually a decent young man...)
I give them lots of time alone together but I am in his life, and will be long after they've grown and left their mothers home and clutches. Deal with it.
Oh... btw they're 17 1/2 and 15, both boys. Time to grow up.

is this to me or MissFlo? 2

is this to me or MissFlo?

2 out of 30 is me, and this is recent. It used to be 8 out of 30. BM lost her shit when we got married and when SD and i were getting along VERY well.

She sabotaged the hell out of it.

SD and I used to be just fine, then crazy BM hopped the crazy train and everything got derailed.

SD13 and DH get lots of alone time. The issue began when for no reason BM stated I was unfit and not allowed to be around her daughter.

Actually- scratch that- when SD was having fun with us and enjoying her time with us, BM got vindictive. I resent that so many of you assume I'm the one making all of these rules. ON top of which, skids never jump for joy at the prospect of a stepparent. Does that mean we slink away??

Sorry, but I agree with the

Sorry... double post

Do they not want to see me

Do they not want to see me because it means time away from him or because with my support he refuses to be treated like something on the bottom of their shoes( no sorry.... Its really only the older one)
And what's the excuse for not answering the phone, text, email... any kind of communication that isn't him saying YES I will pay for that.
Emotional blackmail at its very worst.
Children learn to share around the age of 5. People, spaces and "things". Like I said, they have plenty of alone time, I don't take leave when they're here. They have all day alone and I usually retire to our room early so they can do their thing, (& so I don't have to listen to him tell fdh how EVERYTHING here is crap)
But he isn't an infant, even if his mother panders to him like he is.
Bio parents, you do your children no favors by acting like they are the only thing in the world that matters. The result is a spoilt self centered brat who think the world owes them. I owe you nothing kid.

Well said dtzyblond. I am NO

Well said dtzyblond. I am NO threat whatsoever. I'm a trained teacher and I genuinely beleive part of the reason there's so much animosity towards my existance is because I KNOW what is normal and acceptable and have expectations of decent behaviour and respect. And I gave him the emotional support to make his OWN decision to stop being a doormat.
Oh and a little reminder to BM and her entitled "baby".
YOU were the one who left. With your secret boyfriend. Who left your ugly old ass after living with you in the real world for only 2 months.
The emotional manipulation amped up to ballistic after we'd been living together about 6 months. When we bought our home.I'd been around for nearly a year before that.
I guess when it became clear I was a long term fixture.

OP you're not alone, DH does

OP you're not alone, DH does not like me on steptalk either and I very mucho doubt that if others DH's were reading their wives posts there would be issues- part of why we post on here is because we can say bluntly what we would like to about our skids.

The BM in your case sounds similar to the thing in mine- she would withhold visitation at first if she knew I was around, her terms were that DH had to spend time with skid at BMs house so she could be sure that I wasn't there- desperado!
He soon grew tired of that & decided that he wanted to move interstate to be with me which sent BM over the edge- especially since he convinced his parents to move with him also. BM of course was not having her daughter fly interstate to my house so DH took her to court- simple. He now by choice see's SD4 once a month and BM has no say!

Maybe convincing your H to initiate court proceedings so BM cannot dictate any longer could help a lot??

If BM wants to feed off of

If BM wants to feed off of the clothes that her daughter gets from her father - That's ultimately HER loss. SHE'S the POS who gains gratification from that. Just keep your head up high and know you're better than that. Let him pay for it but not excessively. Try to enjoy your time, keep the smile on your face and be an equal participant -- UNLESS it's something that is financially damaging to the both of you.

EXACTLY. We've been together

EXACTLY.

We've been together 4yrs, married just over a year. SDthen9 and I were fine. Wary of each other, but slowly finding our way. I was appreciative that she had had Daaaadddddyyyyy in her life all to herself, and I hung back... A LOT...
Then BM realized- huh, SD liked me AND looked up to me... DING DING DING. The crazy ramped up.

Next thing you know, BM is always complaining how much SD doesn't like me and feels forced to be around me. Bullshit.

Amazing how she LOVES bm new boytoy, and is OK with 2 new babies in the picture. YES- BM is a prize.

You are here

SICK of the double standard