" Just keep trying" How many of us have heard this???
FDH's golden advice to me about his crappy kids and family.
It doesn't matter SD16 makes up lies and talks shit about me and spreads rumors bc I should "just keep trying"
It doesn't matter she's jealous and mean to my bio bc she "stole her daddyyyyy" bc WE need to "just keep trying"
It doesn't matter his family talks shit about me then becomes bff's with BM whom they hated until they saw FDH happy with me bc I need to " just keep trying"
It doesn't matter that Sd16 completely ignores me and acts like I'm invisible when I'm around and doesn't say hello- I'm the adult who needs to acknowledge her first and " just keep trying"
"Just keep trying" to have a relationship with someone who hates and despises you, and doesn't accept you
I could keep going
How many of us are told to "just keep trying"??? What that really means is just keep getting shitted on so FDH can pretend everything is OK and it's not
You are always right on Echo
You are always right on Echo and he does deserve a punch to the nuts!
I'll do what he does to me tell him what he wants to hear then do what I want }:)
Oh you just made my day
Oh you just made my day lol.
And no, I would never tolerate my husband's attitude if this was it. Just like I told my oldest step son (12) when he was resisting,
"I'm here, I'm not going anywhere. Now we can work together to both make your dad happy, or we can bicker and fight. BTW, I'm as stubborn as it comes".
It kind of helped that the kids met me while I was still in the military, I was kind of cool and intimidating to them. I still remember my youngest step son asking, "Why aren't YOU in Call of Duty?"
The best thing was when NPD
The best thing was when NPD BM texted DH about 2 months ago and told him "Kes needs to try harder"!!!!! Honest to God. He laughed as hard as I did.
DH has given up trying to get me to act any different with the SDs.
^^ This
Sounds like it's time for you
Sounds like it's time for you to STOP trying and let him take on that task for a little while. You can't force people to like you, so why keep trying? I would tell him that you're exhausted from trying and you'll spend your energy on other tasks that appeal to you ..
Good luck!
It sounds like your DH is
It sounds like your DH is trying to play the "happy family" game. Well new flash to him- you are the kid's STEPmom. HE is the one who needs to be teaching the kid about respect. My SD is the same way- walks in the room and doesn't even say hello or acknowledge me. Rude as hell. My DH has made comments to me like yours has, saying I am the adult, she is the child, etc. My advice? Disengage! You will feel a giant weight lifted off your shoulders if you do!
Yes I heard the same thing-
Yes I heard the same thing- BM text him this and SD16 is also using the same thing for an excuse, I'm the adult....... my answer to him was "yes, I am an adult and I'm doing what I have to do right now to stay above the water bc I'm drowning in this relationship bc of your lack of boundaries with your kids and family. I'm an adult who deserves to get treated with respect, she doesn't have to like me but she does need to respect me, I will not kiss her ass like you and her mom do and thats why she doesn't like me- tough shit. Is she immature? yes, she is not a 5 year old child though, she's 16 years old and she knows how to treat people and she knows what she's doing and how she makes people feel and she needs to be held accountable and responsible for her behavior"..........
He didn't have shit to say bc he knew I was right. We are teaching my 9 year old accountability for her actions and responsibility for the decisions she makes, SD16 knows what she's doing and how to work the system (daddy) to get what she wants and create as much friction as possible
He does expect them to try
He does expect them to try but knows I'm pretty much done with SD16's manipulative victim crap, so he asked me to keep trying......he does want the happy family but I'm far from playing that game. It is what it is, She doesn't accept me thats on her. I'm her scapegoat, thats all.
I really have nothing to do with her, I've disengaged as much as I can. I am her scapegoat so I get pulled into issues that she makes up to bm who then calls and starts drama with FDH, I stay out of it. FDH does know her part in all this and he's afraid I'm gonna walk out. The guilty daddy in him still feeds her manipulative ways so he's says and does things to please everyone. He doesn't realize it yet that that will never happen. She uses her presence as punishment so FDH gets all lovey and mushy whenever she decides she needs something and reappears.....
My answer would be "Sure I'll
My answer would be "Sure I'll keep trying - trying not to strangle her."
precisely
precisely }:)
Been there - heard that one..
Been there - heard that one.. DH has finally gotten it through his thick skull (for the most part) that the issue isn't me - it's them. Mother Theresa herself would look at these kids and go "WTF is wrong with them?"
They don't like me.. they don't have to. It is ok for skids to hate their smom. Their mom has done some reinforcing of this as well.. (thanks BM)
Another factor is for the most part they don't have a mom.. so they resent me because I am a daily reminder of what a mom is.. and what theirs isn't. Instead of just accepting I am part of their lives (by no means am I trying to replace their mom and I have told them this).. they try to push me out and make things difficult for me - hoping that if they do, I will leave on my own.
Yet, still I am expected to be interested in them.. their sports.. their grades.. uh, nope.. I don't care.
I have tried.. Every time I do, I get punched in the face with their hate for me..
So, for the sake of sanity - I have partially disengaged. They want me to be a ghost in the home.. I am a ghost who does nothing extra for them. I talk to DH and my daughter - shower them with love and attention.
The skids - they get in return exactly what they give.
However, I do have boundaries and if the skids step over them, I engage. Disengaging does not = doormat.
Do the same.. and if anyone challenges it, tell them it is for your sanity and leave it at that.
Why don't we all just keep
Why don't we all just keep trying to have a BM (bowel movement) after we've had a complete pre-colonoscopy enema as well? It will be just as pointless!
I'm in the same boat. Your DH
I'm in the same boat. Your DH needs to try!!! I'm so mad for you.
Why do these men expect their woman to stick around to be blamed for not fulfilling their fantasy of a happy family.
My SS16 doesn't believe he must make an effort to build relationships with people, to get people to like him. That's why he has no friends.
SS can't treat me like a ghost and expect me to kiss his ass. Not happening!
During our last argument SO finally conceded that SS probably wouldn't like any woman that he has to share daddy with. SO said the only kind of woman he'd like would be a bunch of revolving door women. He also conceded that even if I did kiss SS' ass, SS would still probably dislike me. It's good that SO at least acknowledged this because if he hadn't I would have left.
But I will be blamed again and SO will be put on notice one more time that our relationship won't work if I get blamed for his son's problems. And he knows I'm serious now. We shall see....
Exact same situation, FDH
Exact same situation, FDH knows I "try" and he also knows that no matter what I do or don't do she still won't like me or try to have a relationship with me. He does stick up for me but he also just wants peace so I know he kisses Sd16's ass too.
*sigh*
My DH used to say the same to
My DH used to say the same to me. Now he says "they are trying". Like it is so hard for these spoiled, entitled brats to say hello... This is the only place I can come to where I feel like everyone understands because we are all in the same boat. I get very depressed and am very unhappy. I know I made a bad choice. Thanks.
thank you for this... I had a
thank you for this...
I had a post a few days ago about something similar, and got flamed by a few people saying I was being selfish and hubs would probably spend more time with his selfish brat if i 'allowed him'...
::IF they are teens and could give a rats rear...then tell them NOT to come over and have visitation anymore UNTIL they are respectful of your wife and marriage.:: is what was said to SD13 by DH.
In our case SD and BM were trying to dictate where and when I could be places...
Well intentioned friends say, "just keep trying" to me all the time... I may kill them... }:)
I was just talking to my mom
I was just talking to my mom 2 secs ago about how blind and naive I was waking into this relationship.......pretty sad. I love FDH no question but this drama is ridiculous!
I have heard it once and only
I have heard it once and only once! Don't stand for it! He may not be a total jerk, but that is a jerk move, a feaking cop out. He doesn't know what to tell you to fix it. I would "fix it" to my outlaws faces as well as my SD and I have before too. He didn't have much to say about it because he knew I just throw it back to him worse. Of course we have been married 15 yrs.....5 when he tried to pull this shit on me.
I think what your dh is doing
I think what your dh is doing is a recipe for disaster. It'll make sd resent you all more and it'll make you more resentful. Sd has clearly indicated she would prefer to have zilch to do with you or bd. Relationships can't be forced.
I do think sd has many issues that need to be addressed. Instead of trying to force you all to be bffs, maybe fdh should try to parent her better and get her counseling.
ETA: I'd keep her and bd9
ETA: I'd keep her and bd9 separate as much as possible, and have bd back off on trying to win sd over. Right or wrong, most 16-year-olds don't want to be buddies with 9-year-olds. Bds trying to be buddies with sd may be causing sd to be resentful to a degree.
I heard that for 'years. I
I heard that for 'years. I needed to try harder. I was the adult, etc., trouble is she was 30, baby, house and live in boyfriend, and he was still saying, I was the adult, I needed to try harder.
It was clear from her attitude, from dh defending and supporting her and from everything he said to me, that he and she saw me as the problem. So I did try harder, I took a long hard look at myself, a long hard look at that previous 8 years, at everything that had gone on. Then I banned the bitch from my home.
Try harder, to what. Learn to be humiliated, isolated, disrespected and ignored in your own home with a smile on your face and cap in hand putting yourself out there for more crap. Yeah right. If she is doing this at 16 and your husbands answer is for YOU to fix it, for YOU to keep trying, then don't be surprised when she is still doing this at 26' don't be shocked when she marries, has kids and cuts you right out while making a big show of sucking daddy in, she won't be any different at 36, no matter how hard YOU try. Daddy has to teach her manners and respect, and she has to want a relationship with you at some level. If she doesn't, you can try till your blue in the face, it won't change anything. But just keep trying
