Meeting SO's D13 and D10 for the first time in 2 days!
I've posted about the girls before, but I'm FINALLY meeting them after dating their father for more than 2 years!!! We were waiting for the divorce to be finalized. The papers have been signed, and it will be legally effective October 1st. I'm 26, SO is 48, and SO's daughters are 13 and 10
We are all going go-karting, which I think will be a fun way for us to interact with low pressure....we're not sitting around each other in a restaurant awkwardly the whole time.
The advice I've gotten so far:
-Be yourself
-Pay more attention to the kids than your BF
-Don't take it personally if they are standoffish or even a little mean
Does anyone have anything to add? Can anyone share their stories about the first time they met their FSDs (or FSSs)? Would love to hear
They were separated when we
They were separated when we met. The process had been started, but she was dragging her feet to get the most of his annual bonus last year. Then she got a new boyfriend and was in a rush to get things finalized. Papers are signed and it is legally effective October 1st (4 days woo hoo!)
I think HRNYC has a point You
I think HRNYC has a point
You have been dads dirty little secret for two years. That just starts things on the wrong foot, especially with teenagers... worse... girl teenagers.
I am not saying it is 100% that your relationship won't work. But I will warn you the odds are stacked against you.
In all honesty, if I was your age and knew what I knew now: I'd be running to get as far away from step parent life as possible.
I agree with HRNYC 100% here.
I agree with HRNYC 100% here. Regardless of the opinions on right vs wrong here on ST, the kids are going to react based on the fact that OP was there while their parents were married. (More than likely, they'll see it as their parents still being married rather than their parents being separated.)
Their behavior will be based on what THEY see & feel, & not on whether or not people here agree with you having a relationship with a married man.
I think this is NOT going to be a positive situation for you for a few reasons:
1) With the age difference, you & your OS are at 2 different stages in life. You are at a stage where you would be considering settling down & starting your family. Your SO is at a stage where he is well into his parenting years & feeling ready for his kids to grow up & move on to living the empty-nester life.
2) There's enough of a difference in your ages that if you never reveal your true age, the kids will know that it's a pretty big gap. They don't need specifics to recognize it, & that will make a difference in the type of respect you receive from them. Perhaps it shouldn't, but it will, & with their BM adding her thoughts on it (because you KNOW she'll have something to say) & her words will carry faaaaar more weight than anything you say.
3) Forever is a long time to spend being the OW. As I mentioned before, whether you are or are not in your eyes, you will be in theirs. They will blame you for their parents failure to reconcile. They will blame you for their family falling apart, & again, BM will be certain to remind them that it was you who made it all happen.
A lifetime is LONG time to spend trying to defend & explain & hide details, etc. I REALLY hope you'll think this through.
For all of you who say that
For all of you who say that the kids won't respect her (or something along that line) because she was with their dad when he was married.
If the parents are separated, and no longer living in the same house, how do the kids know if there is a final divorce decree or not? Unless you are sharing every moment of the separation/divorce/custody negotiations with them, there really is no reason for them to know when the final divorce happens.
So why do you all continue to beat that dead horse?
"unless the other parent
"unless the other parent harps on it"
This is what so many BM's do. Why would you be so quick to exclude it?
I would advise you to show an
I would advise you to show an interest in them, but don't be too overbearing. It may look like you're trying too hard.
You kinda want them to show an interest in you too.
Ideally, they wouldn't know
Ideally, they wouldn't know when it's final. However, kids are smarter than people give them credit for being. They pay attention to what's being said around them. They pick up on things. And how many BM's work the way they should, ideally.
It doesn't take "sharing every moment of the separation/divorce/custody negotiations with them" for them to know that it isn't done. It only takes BM or her SO saying "I can't wait until this divorce is final" or "I need to go to the courthouse/lawyers office & fill out paperwork so the divorce can be final".
It's anything but a dead horse. It a horse that, as long as one parent is poking it, will be kicking for a really long time.
I have a hard time getting
I have a hard time getting respect from DH's teens being dh's age and having teens of my own; I simply cannot imagine being 30 now and having late teens living with me. When I was 30 I was having my own babies and my younger sibs were the teens. It's just not right for step kids to have such a young smom. IMHO
All I'm going to add is that
All I'm going to add is that you should leave him and find someone your own age who doesn't have kids. You're setting yourself up for a lot of heartache and don't even see it.
Plus, he is old enough to be your father.
Go very slow. Considering the
Go very slow. Considering the divorce that's final in a few days is between your SO (who the girls think you*re not longer seeing} and his 2nd wife aka SM#1. There girls while not little are still pretty young for so many changes in their young lives, SM#1 is also BM to these girls 1/2 siblings.
I haven't read the other
I haven't read the other replies. Has anyone used the word "run"?
If so re-read those posts.
I'm very sorry, I should have
I'm very sorry, I should have said this is my boyfriend's SECOND divorce. These children are from his first marriage. He has a wonderful relationship with their mother and his been divorced from her for 7 years or so.
Well the big meeting went
Well the big meeting went down yesterday and it was amazing! We all had SO much fun and got along so well. We went to the botanical gardens and walked around first. The girls were a little shy at first, but warmed up quickly. They talked my ear off all day and pretty much ignored their Dad. Then we went to the small Main Street of the town we were at and checked out an antique shop. We started to drive home (separate cars) and my SO called and said they were going to the whitewater raft center and the girls wanted me to come. We ended up having lunch, hanging out, and walking around the grounds. Before the end of the day, the girls had planned our next 4 weekends! Everything was so much easier than I ever imagined....I was so terrified, especially from all of the negative comments above, but we all were so comfortable with each other. My SO said the girls talked the whole way home about how much fun they had. The 13 year old, who is normally pretty quiet and reserved, talked to me the whole day.
I am really looking forward to getting to know them more over time. I don't have my head in the sand. I know every day won't be as rosy, but I am so happy and relieved that the first meeting went smoothly. I really liked the girls and they liked me, and that's what matter most to SO and I. I may be young age-wise, but the joke among my friends (all mid to late 30s) is that I'm 26 going on 40. SO and I have made this work for 2.5 years, and plan to try for the long haul.
I've kind of realized these forums are more for the venting of negative than positive, but I'm hoping over time there will be more positives than negatives to share!
I'm not worried that he's
I'm not worried that he's seperated. It's the age difference. I'm guessing you don't have your own kids? If you have kids together he will be hitting his 70's when they finish high school. You could be a grandma while raising a grade school kid of your own.
To each their own. Good luck