SO WE HAVE TO PAY MORE SUPPORT BC SD17 AND BM VIOLATE VISITATION?
BM is taking us back to court because we do not have my SD17 for overnights anymore. SD17 still visits, but no overnights. BM has always told SD it is her choice to come or not and plays mind games with her when she does come over. Things like you can have a party this weekend and all your friends can drink. If you go to your dads you cant have your car there for overnights. Basically she has done everything to sway her from spending the night. We were happy as long as we would at least see her it didn't seem to matter much if she slept there. It was such a strain on SD to come over. BM told SD if she were to move in with us she didn't want to see her face again. NOW BM IS TRYING TO RAISE SUPPORT BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE HER OVERNIGHT! She is always welcomed here. I would think they should give us a credit for the nights that are in the agreement for us to have her it is no fault of ours SD doesn't come over she lives like 4 miles away!
By the way when I do the math
By the way when I do the math and if we send this in as we have no overnights she stands to gain 100.00 more a week because of this.
The car was given to SD by
The car was given to SD by BM's family. She can keep the car there I can understand that, but of course she can take it to a friends house to spend the night. Just head games that is all this woman does. I do have pictures that were posted on FB of underage drinking at the BM's house and one with wine coolers in SD's room.
I have thought about this. I
I have thought about this. I have a relative at CPS and she is telling me it will not add up to much since the BM isn't in the pictures with the kids drinking. This infuriates me to no end. Alcoholism runs in SD's family and I just see her going that way.
This is like putting tooth
This is like putting tooth paste back into the tube. The first time SD did not spend the night, your DH should have filed for contempt.
>>We were happy as long as we would at least see her it didn't seem to matter much if she slept there.<<
Now you know that this isn't the case. Unfortunately, you've learned this lesson too late. Sorry.
We have been in and out of
We have been in and out of court since my SD was 3. It was not in the best interest of our SD to continue on with the fighting. If you have ever dealt with a BM who was diagnosed with PAS you would know this.
When a child is losing
When a child is losing weight, having migraines and has very low self esteems and grades are dropping from all of the arguing and being pulled from one parent to the other. That is reason to stop fighting over the child. She comes with us she feels her BM doesn't love her. Then would you like to hear a parent talk about your other parent all of the time because they dont like each other? BM goes on and on about my DH to SD.
I am going thru the same
I am going thru the same thing in a way...
My dh's S12 has not been coming on his visits for one reason or another, we know there is PAS'ing going on as bm is quite the douche and queen of control and manipulation. Every Wedn and EOWE he wants to "stay home" and play with friends etc, DH has called him out on it a few times but is now "whatever" about it, if he comes he comes if not oh well is his attitude for the most part. This situation with skid not wanting to come on his visits has been going on since April. Before that skid was coming over to my then BF's house and spending one on one time with him just fine. :? (I was never present for skid visits, I lived in a different place).
DH plans on taking BM back to court the beginning of next year to get his CS lowered as his hours have reduced and he is not making what he used to make when the CSO was put in place. DH seems to think he will have no problem getting it reduced however I am nervous that eventhough skid is the one who doesn't want to come over at all and I have been documenting everything I fear the judge will say too bad and not reduce it or make him pay more as a result.
This whole CS crap seriously sucks! I have never wanted a child to grow up FASTER in my life, just so we can be done with this skid/bm/cs nightmare!!! It is amazing how awful this whole system is, I hope your DH doesn't get screwed over this bs!
Exactly...that is time away
Exactly...that is time away from work, etc. it is such a long drawn out mess and it is even worse when you have a bitch bm who will do ANYTHING not to lose her meal ticket!
A lot of people do it
A lot of people do it themselves, without using an attorney.
The filing charges obviously vary from court to court, but I've heard of it costing $75 bucks to file.
If you are one of the
If you are one of the fortunate ones then YES it can be pretty decent in terms of cost, however, when you have a bm like alot of the BMs on here who go for the jugguler to make sure they keep all their money, then all bets are off.
Oh yes the BM is related to
Oh yes the BM is related to more people in this town than she isn't. This includes town officials. It's a big catholic drinking town. No offense I am a catholic too, but I don't have everyone including underage kids to my house on Sundays to drink after church. Needless to say I am not popular at my church....
She goes for the money
She goes for the money alright my SD just told me last night that she has to had over her own paycheck to BM. I said why whay are you paying her back for. She said her phone and car insurance. I said well that is reasonable. The whole time thinking in my head that B*** what we pay would cover that and much more. So SD goes on to tell me she takes more than the amount for her phone and insurance. I said why she said her mom doesnt have any money!
(No subject)
:jawdrop:
Again it is not the money.
Again it is not the money. Let me put it this way you piss off the BM you have no contact with SD at all. BM is like this with SD's friends and boyfriend. The boyfriend "disrespected" the BM by not bringing in groceries and SD was not allowed to see him anymore. You are right that in a perfect world you should be able to file contempt and then the law is followed, but this is not a perfect world. You must have no idea how a Narcissist works.
He will have trouble because
He will have trouble because this is what we thought about the whole thing as well. It was easier on our SD if we didn't argue with BM. We decided not to file contempt because of the emotional stress the BM puts SD in. If SD says she has a good time then it is straight to well then just go live there but if you do I dont want to ever see you again. If your SS isn't totally controlled by BM you have a fighting chance. My SD17 comes to me often and I feel she now knows what her BM is up to. SD can't even have a boyfriens unless he communicates with the BM by texting and so on. I will let you know if the court decides to go on the ordered visitation or not. Good luck to you our BM was actually diagnosed with PAS so I hope this will help us. We speak to a lawyer Monday.
That is encouraging news! We
That is encouraging news! We have filed this on our own but there has never been any consequences BM is just reminded not to do it again so this time we are trying to go through a lawyer to not raise the support based on this as well as file contempt. It's a shame we wanted to get SD a more reliable car for the winter and now it has to go to a lawyer. I would much rather see her get around in a safe vehicle than the one she is in now. Hey at least we had the money saved for a lawyer!
Wow..as much shit as you are
Wow..as much shit as you are getting I thought you were a new member. lol
I totally understand what you are saying. When SS was around 11ish...It really got bad between BM and DH fighting over SS. DH took a step back because SS was actually getting physically sick because of all of the crap going on around him due to his parents. He felt is was the only way to keep SS healthy.
It only lasted a year or so and SS ended up going week on week off around the age of 13 and then moved in full time around the age of 15.
Finally somebody who
Finally somebody who understands! Yes to fight with BM and have to send SD back to her to put up with the mental abuse was terrible! She too got sick. Terrible headaches, lost weight, grades dropped and her self esteem was shot. That is when you say enough is enough. It is the toughest spot to be in when you know your kid is getting crapped on because she loves you. You know it is best for her to be with you but the world doesn't see it that way.
15 is about the age SD wanted to move with us, but of course BM convinced her not to she would take her car, phone, clothes and never speak to her again. It is hard to tell a teen when she says can you give me those things too? that it will take some time to get a car lined up and oh boy a night without her phone she would just die. When she got her license she would sneak out to see us without having to tell her mom. She seemed better physically and mentally when she didn't have to tell her mom where she was going. This is why we didn't file contempt earlier this year.
To LadyFace thanks for the
To LadyFace thanks for the support and wishes of luck
This is a tough one. I
This is a tough one. I haven't read everyone else's responses, but in our case the judge told us visitation and CS are two separate issues, separately enforceable. And, amazingly, they would enforce CS but not visitation. So when SD started coming down less than was court mandated or not at all and DH took BM back to the court, the judge said he couldn't MAKE SD come to our house. Oh, but he could MAKE DH pay his CS. So yeah, the system is screwed up, and BM may win this one. I'm sorry.
And that right there is what
And that right there is what scares me for my dh, my dh doesn't force his kid to come on his visits, we text to see if he is coming that day/weekend (because he has been blowing dh off since April) and if he says no then it is what it is. If skid says he wants to stay home and play with friends or whatever excuse he comes up with then so be it. However dh isn't making the money he used to make when the CS order was put in effect. So my fear is that he will go there and he won't get a lowerage even if the skid is the one who doesn't want to come on his visits and he is making less.
It is a very flawed/f'd up system; and it seems that the men that actually pay & the BMs who are actually decent are the ones that get screwed and the women that are just money hungry, lazy pos's get off scott free and get their way!
Only in America....smh.
Was your child support raised
Was your child support raised because you were not having overnights? I am hoping the judge will take into account the time we were suppose to have SD that is in the visitation agreement. If BM tires to say she wants more money because we don't get SD then shouldn't she have had to file contempt on us for not getting SD?
It is not contempt if you
It is not contempt if you don't take your visitation time/parenting time.
In our state, child support is only calculated off overnights. If the child spent every day with you & every night with BM she would still get more CS as if she had the kid 100% of the time.
Also, here they calculate it
Also, here they calculate it off of what the CO says. Unless BM has proof that you are texting "oh nvm you don't need to come over ____ weekend" over & over, she can't just use word of mouth to raise CS.
I have heard they will do it
I have heard they will do it this way in Indiana as well. I think BM just went online and put we have no overnights and thought wow I can get 100 bucks more a month!
The BM that I have to deal
The BM that I have to deal with (not so much anymore since skids are adults) was a money grabbing wench too! She knew how to work the system to get everything possible and still got child support even though we had them for more overnights each week then she did. One skid would go every weekend for 2 nights and the other would go every other sometimes not at all in a month if she was not getting along with her mother. BM was manipulating and always putting DH down. However we are the ones who provided cars for both girls and didn't mind them taking them to their mothers. We told BM that she was not allowed to ever use the cars (license suspended) and she obeyed but we also had warned the girls that they lose their cars if she or anyone that is not supposed to be riding they would lose their car. We never took BM back to court to get child support lowered because we were afraid they would force our SD to stay there all weekends. We just left it alone. I guess we are not vindictive people like that. DH just paid what he was supposed to along with everything else because BM was "always broke". She was and is a toxic person. She fought with our SD so much from 7 years old until her teen years when she realized SD was not being a good kid and causing lots of trouble. Now SD19 who was once a very sweet little girl is a drug addict and her BM is her whole universe. BM feeds on this. She loves that DH and I have no contact with SD19 by choice due to her behavior for the last 4 years. BM the whole time was two faced too. Each time she would talk to us she would act like she cared and we all needed to help SD but behind our backs she was supporting SD in her bad decision making. SD only went to her mother because we didn't agree with her lifestyle and her mother let her know that in her younger years BM was into the same crap as SD. BM says she will change someday because BM changed...what BM works a minimum wage job, no high school education and collects what ever she can from the state. I guess that is not what we wanted our daughter (my SD) to do. She had so much hope for her, college on her mind, great friends at the time, good head on her till she met a boy and that boy was a piece of shit. Ok rant over and sorry I went on about my problems.
I would just go to court and if DH and you miss her so much, I would fight to get your visitation back by explaining to the judge that this is not how you guys wanted it to be and you would like to have her on her days with you guys.
Yes we will fight to have
Yes we will fight to have visitation back where it should be. If we thought it was at all possible to have full custody we would fight that one out too. Its hard to prove the mental games played all I have that is concrete is the alcohol that in sitting on SD's book shelf nothing more than that. My SD is afraid of her mom and will not go against her. My god she hands her mom over her paychecks. I just think she threatens her with more than not seeing SD anymore. Possible her siblings as well. She has 3 on her moms side that she loves dearly.
I am so sorry to hear you are
I am so sorry to hear you are going through this too. My only saving grace is that we only have 2 more years left to deal with child support. Well I am sure we will always have to pay child support we will just be giving it to SD direct not to BM.
Thanks bNg489 for sharing
Thanks bNg489 for sharing your story this gives me more hope. I know it is terrible to go on about this, but I cant seem to function with this hanging over my head. To tell the truth we were saving for a "new" used car for my SD then this happened. At least we have the money to fight it now. On the flip side of things besides the money we would like to have her more so we want to fight for that to, so if keeping the CS reasonable isn't going to cost us an arm and a leg then we will have more money to go after BM for contempt and really try to help SD.
Oh I would so love to get her
Oh I would so love to get her on contempt so my SD doesn't feel guilty coming over or feel like she has to sneak. The one time DH called the police they said they could not get involved. It must be an Indiana thing. We haven't tried that in years but I have spoken to police officers at social events and I have not heard one say they would get involved. I think you are right I just have to know she is not going to get money just because she wants it.
This is exactly why you
This is exactly why you should never allow either the blended family oppostion or the Skids to mess with visitation. If the Skid does not show for visitaiton you file contempt charges against BM and you have the police meet you at BMs so when your DH drags the Skid to the car for visitation the police will be there to keep BM under control and to witness any crap that goes on.
This works both ways. Though we were the CP household during the entire course of SS-21's CO when the SpermClan would play games and delay returning him from visitation we had my DW's BFF's police chief father send someone with my ILs to pick up the Skid so that they could get him to the airport for the next available flight back home.
IMHO of course.
I so wish our police
I so wish our police department would do this for us but not in the state of Indiana.
Here is the drill that DH and
Here is the drill that DH and I learned the hard way:
Step One. ....BM alienates the kids, slow but surely
Step Two .....kids begin to suffer from PAS and don't want to visit
Step Three ...BM pleads innocence "but what can I do! They don't want to be with you (big sigh)
Step Four. ...BM runs to court for more CS and
Step Five.... BM is validated by her family and friends support in fighting "the monster DH"
Step Six ....the courts agree and validate BM even more.
Step Seven ....the children suffer by not having a loving Dad in their lives
We are at step six and fighting this tooth and nail. So far everything is pointing to DH losing and the children losing most of all.
Kasey21 - I feel for you and
Kasey21 - I feel for you and I know your pain! How old are your kids?
Could this really be?
Could this really be? Although my SD is afraid to disappoint BM and afraid of the things that will be taken from her she is finally sticking up for herself! Last night we had a great break through with SD, she has finally come to realize that no matter the consequences she is moving in with us! We have had many false alarms about this but in two hours my DH is showing up to BM's to pick up SD and enough things to get her by for at least a week. In my state the police do not get involved, but we live in a small town and have found a town policeman that has finally agreed to go with my DH to BM's. He said he will not step in at anytime unless he sees BM physically holding onto SD so she can not come with us. We are on fall break in my area and as we should have her one week BM should not be able to do anything about this. I feel she will not pull anything with the police there and let it happen. As far as SD living with us it may very well be a false alarm again. I just hope it isn't so that when we go for contempt SD will share her true feeling to the judge. She is leaving her phone and car she said this time. If it happens I will be amazed. I am on pins and needles waiting.
I hope she gets to live with
I hope she gets to live with you. My skids are 15 and 11. Sd15 sees thru Bm more than Ss11. The alienation has affected him alot.
Our BM plays the martyr and the victim. And mother of the year. I have read lots on PAS and Bm was exposed to that by her own Mother who now supports BM emotionally and financially in the custody case.
So DH showed up with the
So DH showed up with the police officer. It totally freaked SD out and she backed out of coming. BM told SD my DH was trying to throw her in jail. The police could not do anything since SD didn't want to go with us. Two hours later we get a call from SD to pick her up. DH goes over without police and picks her up. I have no idea what texts were going on in the middle of the night but at 6am this morning BM picks up SD. No call to us I just happened to hear her going to the door. DH leaves at 5am so he doesn't know yet. At least the police witnessed BM telling SD she shouldn't go. Now I just got a voice mail from school SD is sick and wants to come home. I have no idea why they would have called me. I know BM would not have put me on the emergency contact. I'm just kind of sitting on it right now..