Need Advice - Angry and very frustrated- SF ready to loose his mind.
I am not sure where to start, but I will give you a brief background. Im going to try to give some other information other than my own. There is the three sides (yours, mine, and the truth) rule to every problem. My wife and I have been together for about 10 years and married for almost 5. She had a Daughter when she was 18, but with her determination and support from her parents, still managed to get her business degree and has a stressful, but successful career. The BM is well organised, loving, focused and awesome individual whom i love more today than ever. Flash forward, We meet, date and start a meaningful relationship together and her now 10 year old Daughter is part of the package. Right from the start the child was mouthy, lazy, disrespectful, and what i describe as a spoiled brat. I wasn't surprised as she had Grandma and mother doting on her, and mixed messages all around. She was the apple of my FIL eyes, but when I came on the scene, he had just started down a long road of a debilitating deases. My SD had a lot of issues with me as I was new to the scene and I was taking attention away from her. She made sure everyone suffered by having temper tantrums, out bursts and complete disrespect for anyone or anything. Now everyone here on this blog would agree that hindsight is 20/20 and the worst mistake i have ever made in my relationship with the BM was agreeing that SD was too old for me to have any say as a Guardian. So here I am, beds made, and I have to lie in it..
Flash forward: the last 10 years:
Here is the general list of general, but countless situations I have faced, and failed or endured.
-countless situations where I was left feeling powerless IE - SD obliviously did something wrong, and I am the only one left to deal with it. BM comes home, no repercussions, just some arguments, with no accountability.
-The lies...Just too many to count.. and no accountability when caught (no repercussions from MIL or BM either!)
-stealing from her mother - This was the maddest I had ever seen the BM - Still no repercussions
-Failure to achieve - lazy, "what ever, and F%$k you, what are you going to do about it"
-held 5 jobs in the last 2 year, quit or got fired for some reasons ( I am guessing she was asked to be accountable for something)
-more "f$#k you", go f#$k yourself, go to hells, etc than I can count, directed to me, the BM, MIL and even the FIL
-SD, MIL and BM have made excuses constantly for her behavior that I can count.
The list could go on and on, and I am in the state of mind that I rarely can think of a good time when my SD was involved. I have reminded myself that she isn't pregnant, or a drug addict. The could be worse has gotten me through a few times of complete craziness. Her mother and I rarely fight, but when it comes to the SD, it is an endless battle. This entire situation has been building for years, and rarely have I ever had anything resolved to my satisfaction. The BM has asked and expected me to be the Taxi, watch her, and generally get all the duties of a guardian, but none of the respect in return. when I have put my foot down and said, NO, you are going to have to deal with it (IE drive the SD places or step in when she is too tired or busy) ..shit goes south pretty quick. I am a pretty good person with his own faults, but most people would describe me as "never met anyone he didn't like". I am caring, giving, responsible,no vices,and one of the most forgiving people you will ever meet. My bad side is I yell when i am frustrated, and get pretty sulky when my strong sense of right and wrong is put to the test . I have said things to everyone in anger and frustration that I have regretted, but owned it and apologized. I will own my actions, good or bad and that is the only way I know how to live.
Today:
She moved out for about 6 months and she is coming back home...Guess who got to help?? I just don't have it in me anymore to put up with the SD bullshit. My feelings toward my SD has developed a seething unrelenting resentment and hatred in me. I cant even look at her, or not have a look of disgust when she is the room. Its totally unlike me, I hate being miserable, and the simple options don't seem like a viable alternative.
HELP.. Any advice on working through this would be greatly appreciated!!
It really isn't my choice...
It really isn't my choice... I was quite happy to throw a couple hundred bucks a month to keep her out. To me, that was a small price to pay. I also know that when she left, she wouldn't be gone for long.
Oh, I hole hearty agree with
Oh, I hole hearty agree with you. I did everything I thought was right about sticking up for myself. I have held grudges, been pissed for days, or what ever else. If I hold strong, my DW just looks at me and says "what can I do? I cant hit her and I cant make her get it." At that point, I just see red and walk away. I cant make my DW teach my SD to be accountable. It seems that as the SF I over compensate for her lack of compensation...if that makes sense.
The point you made "you don't allow family to treat your life partner like shit. Period. Why does she allow this? Would she rather lose your or SD? and why? Those are questions she needs to answer, when you get them, go from there." That is something I never even had the words. Thank you for turning on the light.
I completely agree with you
I completely agree with you and your approach. Someone has to follow up..and my DW is the one that has to do it. That is a side effect of our arrangement. My DW isnt great at enforcing and never has. I am not sure why that is, but she border line OCD about a lot of things. I have volunteered several times and tend to over compensate to make up for lack of it.
NOTE: I was a boomerang kid too, and I did have to learn some hard lessons on my own. I took a little longer to grow up, but I rarely ever disrespected my parents, helped around the house, and was expected and did contribute to the house hold. if I had no money, I had 20 bucks from my folks, but I also washed cars, cleaned kitchens, cut grass with out being asked. my up bringing wasn't close to perfect, but it had respect, love and boundaries.
"Her mother was forced to be
"Her mother was forced to be an adult making adult decisions at 18 when she became a mother." is a point i have made over and over, and it seems the fear of history repeating its self might be a source for the dysfunction.. Or at least that is my reasoning for why I am in a continuous up hill battle.
As for opinions, If we can get to my SD NOT using insults and excuses.. I am all for it.
That is in works - She claims
That is in works - She claims to be "upgrading" some of her High School courses, but I see this as a posturing move. I will believe it when i see the passing grade. She is manipulative, and will expel that kind of energy to pull the wool over every ones eyes. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, but it isn't in me yet. Actually as I type, it might be worth giving it a shot.. the benefit of the doubt..
She is 20 almost 21.. BARELY
She is 20 almost 21.. BARELY passed high school, and I dont want to even talk about that week when the phone started ring from the school. My DW have agreed we have to set out the rules, but the PTSD from these years has me doubtful there will be any repercussions if she fails at any of those rules, even when they are clearly laid out. We have to enforce them, and I cant do it alone. I can only try as this is a first for the SD and the rest of us.
I dont think the rules will be hard to make, but setting out the ramifications will be a little more heated.
Thank you and I will definitely add some of your suggested rules to the agreement.
Agree NewJerseyMom. Your wife
Agree NewJerseyMom. Your wife should be supporting you more and standing up for the sanity of your marriage.
Those thoughts of leaving
Those thoughts of leaving have crossed my mind and I am not there yet. I think I have a delusion that the SD will "win" as nothing would have changed for her and I would still be suffering. For now, i am looking for other options as this would be a last decision. I dont think Sucking it up is an option at this point, and I am at the point where I wont keep quiet.
I applaud you for your strength when you made that tough decision.. I know it couldn't have been easy!
That was the only decision
That was the only decision you had left with Two small children to protect. My parents had to do that with my SB 32 years ago.. drugs, un trust worthy, constant worry.. etc.. They made the same decision about him and the front was united. They did everything they could do..family counseling,individual counseling and constant communications with support. I know it still hurts them a little, but it was the only decision after all the effort. That sort of courage doesn't come all at once.
Im not done yet, and there are no other children involved. I was married before with two SS (train wreck!!!!) and I learned a lot of hard lessons and made a lot of mistakes in that relationship. Despite their mother, they are good kids that have some struggles and survived for the better. The nurture vs. Nature question is answered for me. The two SS are nothing like their mother (thank god!) and SD is nothing like my DW..which she should strive to be in some way.