After 6 months DH getting upset by me disengaging
DH has recently been expressing his dislike of my tactics regarding disengaging. He thinks it’s “ridiculous” and “silly”. I guess after 6 months of it he sees that I’m serious and it’s not something I was just saying is going to happen, and then backed down on. I told him that I think it is “silly” and “ridiculous” that I was made feel like I had no power in my home, and that I was allowed to be consistently disrespected by both he and his daughter, for the past 7 years. I told him I thought it was “silly” and “ridiculous” that I can’t even ask SD to take the family dog out to use the bathroom without it turning into a battle. I also told him I’m sorry that he is upset about the way things have turned out, but they are not going to change, and his lack of parenting his daughter are what caused them to get to this point to begin with.
Over the weekend SD texted me asking what I was doing. DH and I weren’t at home, where I had left my phone, so she texted him since she didn’t get an answer from me. When I came out of the store I was in DH said “I know what the answer is going to be, but SD15 wants to know if you can curl her hair for her if she comes over”. I said “no, I don’t want to and she’s quite capable of curling her own hair”. He said yea, but she asked if you could do it. I responded no, I won’t. Well, he got an attitude and didn’t speak to me the entire way home. So be it. I’m not backing down. I told him in the future if he knows what the answer is going to be regarding SD then don’t ask me. That way I don’t have to say no and he doesn’t have to get upset by my refusal.
I think a lot of the problem is that he’s tired of having to come up with last minute dinner ideas when SD decides (always last minute….as in that day….MAYBE the day before) that she is coming over. Part of my disengaging is not preparing meals that she is going to be consuming…so on the nights she’s with us, he’s responsible for dinner. He’s expressed how tired he is of that as well. Sorry, I’m not doing it.
Yep, after he cooks her that
Yep, after he cooks her that dinner.
I have disengaged a few years
I have disengaged a few years back now. For the most part its good, way more peaceful.
Have you experienced cons ?
I notice that there is a gap when the skids come over now, part of my disengagement was to remove myself from situations that cause me resentment which included me leaving a room when skids are talking disrespectful to DH. So I find often I am not around them or DH since DH is with them of course when they are here.
I was always either never told information or found out after the fact information which bothered me a lot since I used to share information about my kids to DH, things like report cards, schedule changes, appointments etc. So I stopped sharing information with DH because it felt like he was a part of my kids life but i wasn't allowed to be part of his kids life, the kids are all the same age, so my resentment is gone now but at the cost of his involvement in my kids lives to some degree.
The skids never listen to DH. I find that awful. I made a point to ensure my kids listen to adults in general, including DH. DH was to be respected as an authority figure in our home, period. But the same was not communicated or enforced to the skids for me. So over the past 5 years, I have slacked off on enforcing my children to listen to DH. I do not allow outright disrespect, but why should my kids have to follow DHs requests when his own do not. Clear your dish!! and only mine do it. Now if I said clear your dish, mine also are the only ones to do it. So I find it complex to decide sometimes to force my kids to do right when it can be really unfair. A better example is when the skids are here and asked to do a chore but do not of course, and my kids are asked, I enforce and they are stuck doing all the work...
I started disengagement with, ask your father... for most things. I always reply to skids when addressed, say bless you if they sneeze, general politeness - but I do not engage them directly much, SS8 doesn't respond to me, ever, which for the first 2 years I would ask DH to make SS respond to me, but over time I got tired of talking to a wall, SS never looks at me or speaks with me, he will talk AT me but he doesn't converse with me, ever. So I stopped trying, its been awhile now. So pretty much SS8 and I can go days without speaking words to each other. But the payback is, at SD14's cheer weekend, in the gym, SS was there with BM, so he came running up to DH, with his back to me of course and not a glance in my direction, talking to DH. I must have looked pissed off, DH said, SS8 say hi.... SS8 staring at DH still says, hi? (to DH) DH says, no, to 3fam, SS8 glances over his shoulder, and says, hi really fast then continues talking to DH.
So, I am seeing over time a gap growing, I guess that is the cost of peace?
Do you think you will ever be able to go back from the disengage or is there no way back? I mean, i don't know if I will want to go back, but is there even a way to go back?
he's trying a Hail Mary pass
he's trying a Hail Mary pass where he thinks you'll position yourself....
and you're actually just standing on the side line just watchin' it go!!!!
silly man.
"imjustherfor".. I just
"imjustherfor".. I just noticed your "ignore list" - spilt my drink from laughing..!!
..and i'm sorry to hear your DH is being such a prick TK - I wouldn't let those bastards make me feel like shit - I'd either turn up the stereo full blast and decide to do the vacuuming.. or even maybe watch an action movie real loud.. anything to tune them out. Don't let them make YOU feel like the outsider, turn the tables.. it's your home too!
Another way would be I'd find interesting things to do when they're all together... maybe hook up with friends..have friends come over.. just make sure you show them that there apalling behaviour is having no affect on you.
Keep smiling and doing what you want - it'll drive them all mental.
Hang in there, girl!
Yep, this is what I am afraid
Yep, this is what I am afraid of when I start to think about disengaging.
My husband is a big believer in traditional roles and I think by me stepping back would make him resentful too. But I also think he would thank me in hindsight for allowing him to build a relationship with his kids, one would hope....
I am sorry for those of you going through this. It hurts when yor are doing something for the greater good of the family and get shit for it. It's got to be so hard to find a balance between your level of disengagement and still feeling like a supportive partner. My fear of this has kept me starting to withdraw.
Y'know Tranquility - I don't
Y'know Tranquility - I don't know if I could handle being shit on by DH and his spawn.. on the other hand, some steps feel like they have no option.
We either..
1) STFU and suck it up - bottle up our own feelings of resentment - resulting in all kinds of anxieties and mental illnesses.
2) Speak out and risk DH going mental on our ass and defending his kids to the ground.. resulting in making us feel like shit (inadequate and incompetent).
3) Disengage - and then end up with everyone resenting you - resulting in making you nervous, anxious and second guessing your every decision
4) Standing up for yourself and letting DH know that he either supports your relationship and show the kids a united front or you're out - resulting in DH having to make the decision to:
1) Either deal with his spawn and support you
2) Deal with his spawn and get used to being a lonely old man who can only have relationships with doormats.
I chose option 4. and stuck to it. DH is still trying to deal with SD's attitude and I no longer care so much.
Thanks for the replies
Thanks for the replies everyone. 3familiesIn1...I want to reply to your post, as it posed a lot of questions and thoughts I have had. Will do later when I can spend more time at the computer!