Help - issues with teenage step son
Hey, I will try to keep this brief (plus I am at work lol) - and I am trying not to freak out!
A bit of background - we are not married, he has two children (a newly 18yoM who lives with us and a 21yoF who hates the world and everyone in it - long story)I have ZERO bio children (cannot get pregnant - longer story). My current issue is with the 18yo.
Our relationship is less than 1 year old, but we have all known each other since the 18yo was born. At first, he was hesitant about our relationship but then warmed up quickly. When we discussed living together, he was included in the conversation as he has lived with his dad since the age of 7 (his bio mom has no interaction with him aside from 2 times a year max. Sad). He was all for it. We laid down ground rules (curfew, chores, etc) and everyone was on the same page.
Now, 4 months in to our new habitat - he does whatever he wants. I am talking: doesn't check in, doesn't always tell if he isn't coming home. Has people over when we aren't home. Has his GF over, and they horse around (by that I mean make out, wrestle, etc. Totally uncomfortable. When I said to please stop, I was pretty much laughed at by him AND the girl. I wonder if they behave like this at her house?!) Doesn't clean up after himself, neglects his ONE chore of taking the trash out. I could go on.
His father and I have had several convos - usually I am the one who brings it up, and my love either doesn't notice things the way I do or he pretends not to. This is becoming extremely unconfortable to me - so he and I are sitting him down tonight to discuss the issues. HELP!
He’s 18 years old and adult.
He’s 18 years old and adult. If he doesn’t straighten up and follow ya’lls house rules kick him out. Harsh I know but at the age of 18 being give a roof over his head, food, comfort and so on is a privilege not a right and he needs to be grateful.
Yah, OK, the DH is gonna kick
Yah, OK, the DH is gonna kick him out???? Come on, you know that is not going to happen. I can't even get my DH to collect rent from the SS 18 who works full time. Because you know, well, um ah, yeah
BULLSH*T
I wish I had some advice. I really do.
he has to show respect in
he has to show respect in your home and live by rules such as cleaning up, no sex in the house, pitching in either through chores or rent, etc.
but checking in and informing you if he's coming home or not? that's a gray area because he is 18. he's a legal adult so in theory he shouldnt have to check in and tell you where is is all the time or have a curfew. but one would hope common courtesy would kick in with him but clearly it hasnt.
At 18 the teen doesn't have
At 18 the teen doesn't have to be living in your home. My SS left home for the military at 18 so he wasn't an issue about after 18. My own bio-kids though had major house rules and expectations if still home after 18. They had chores, rules and had to be working. They also had to pay a small rent (nothing major just a toke towards responsibility and a way to show adults have bills).
Ignoring the rules/expectations wasn't optional. My DH handed our son the classified with apartment rentals a couple times which usually knocked the 'tude for a while. Living in a home with more than two adults is not easy, even when the children are fairly well behaved and try to be responsible. They are coming adults and want to live and be treated as one. Problem with your SS is he wants to live and be treated as an adult but he isn't acting like one. If he can't respect the rules, work and pay rent...boot him out the door.
"He shouldn't have to check
"He shouldn't have to check in nor tell you guys his whereabouts, so it isn't reasonable and not worth complaining about"
I'm going to partially disagree with this statement. That may indeed be the way things work ok at your house, but in mine that would need lots of clarification between the young adult child and myself being it involves living in my home. Curfew? No. Not if the teen is responsible in his comings and goings. For example, if kid comes home quietly and non-disruptive at 3am, fine and dandy. If kid comes home at 3am and decides to wake the whole house by cooking a late night snack, banging around, turning every light in the house on? Yeah, it's something to complain about. Not checking in? Yes and no. For example if kid wants to run for three days and not bother to let parent know he won't be home during this time? I don't run a hotel. If kid can't tell me he's going away for a couple days and/or isn't planning on coming home and lets me sit around wonder if he's dead in a ditch upside down, he can go live the foot loose and fancy free life-style in his own apartment. I won't know whether he's 'home' or not and won't worry about it. It only takes a simple text. "Don't expect me home" . It's not too much to ask.
Wrestling adult sized teens rolling around the livingroom while I'm trying to sit and relax or with them endangering table lamps ect and/or mauling each other playing kissy? Nope. Wanna play house with your GF, go rent your own apartment. Act like a civilized adult when in the presence of others, fine, snuggle with a blanket and watch a movie. The kid would be horrified if his father and I wrestled all over the place while he and his GF were trying to relax in the evening in the livingroom. I don't hold double standards.
If don't think it has anything to do with not 'liking' the kid or wishing he wasn't there...it's more about being a responsible part of a household that the kid still very much lives in. If the adult child wants to live without any restrictions and not answer to reasonable behavior and common courtesy he always has the option of renting his own place and doing whatever whenever he pleases. This is his father he's living with, not a roommate.
your problem isn't your ss.
your problem isn't your ss. it's your dh. tell your bf to get his kid in order (whether the kid stays or goes) or that you will have to move out. you aren't married so there's less connections to cut. I wouldn't tolerate this from my husband's kids, let alone a boyfriend's.
So... What does DAD say?
So... What does DAD say?
If your boyfriend doesn't
If your boyfriend doesn't defend you from his grown son's disrespect and refuses to hold his son to any level household responsibility while he lives with the 2 of you, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE ... because it won't get better with time.
I was in the same boat 22 years ago. My new husband and his 18-year-old son already occupied the house I moved to, so I was made to feel like an intruder. I was hopelessly naïve and thought I could get along with anybody (I considered myself the "peacekeeper" in my own family)... so I was stunned by the hostility of this boy. But I was even more stunned and hurt that my new husband refused to defend me or correct his son's open rudeness.
Like your SS, mine paid nothing for rent, utilities or food ... and he continued to live with us for the first 5 years of our marriage. Then, he spent $6,000 on an engagement ring, got married, and moved straight from our house into a new house he bought for his bride (with all the money he saved up while sponging off his father!) Meanwhile, my husband and I were having serious financial problems while making big child support payments for his 2 younger teenagers (who somewhat mirrored their older brother's dislike of me.)
This oldest son made me miserable during those 5 years ... but the rudeness and hostility didn't stop there. He has continued to create major pain and conflict between me and my husband for 22 years now.
I did NOTHING to this boy to deserve such disrespect. I never tried to discipline him or interfere with his life. I just tried to stay away from him ... but it was hard not to run into him in a small house. It's horrible having to live so close to someone who hates you.
Don't ever marry a man expecting him to change. Never assume that he'll do what you might normally expect a father or husband to do. Make your boyfriend explicitly describe and explain how he intends to behave as a father and what behaviors he requires of his children. Then, you should describe what YOU think is normal fatherly discipline. If the 2 descriptions don't match at all, and he won't budge ... RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.