Girlfriend pregnant
I just found out that my girlfriend of two years is pregnant. She has a 6 yo daughter. The "step" situation is about as good as it can be, with the bio dad being generally reasonable. Custody is 50/50. There is no drama and the kid is nice, with some guilty parenting, but not too bad. I feel like a terrible person for some of the thoughts I've been having the past two days. One of them is how much I anticipate loving my bio child vs the step child. I've also had this idea that my gf should prefer the child she has with me to the child she had with her ex. I've also had this idea that the step kid would be the outsider, with my gf, child, and me being the "family" and the step visiting 3.5 days a week. I'm feeling terrible about myself and the situation. Will this change? Shouldn't I be happy that we're having a baby, rather than worried about step-family dynamics, etc? Are these signs that it is doomed?
#1- its natural to have some
#1- its natural to have some worry and anxiety
#2- did you think of these issues before GF got pregnant? And if so, have you and GF talked about that? Even if in the generic terms of "If we have a baby together, how do you see things going?"
#3- its selfish to think that she should prefer kids #2 over kid#1 because kid#2 is with you. So just get that out of your head. As a mother she can love all of the kids the same, no matter who their dad is and which dad she is with. She shouldnt prefer one over the other.
#4- its okay and natural to love your BIO kid over your step. But you dont have to be blantaly obvious about it or make it so that the skid feels left out, pushed aside, etc
You need to have a talk with your GF. While I am sure some of these issues may not have came to your head before she got pregnant, this is why its smart to try and make sure you have as many of your issues resolved before bringing another human being into this world.
Congrats.
I think a lot of these
I think a lot of these feelings, though selfish, are normal.
I never want SD to feel like an outsider in our home, but this is because she is a good kid & loves me & I love her. But if she was a heathen? I can imagine how you would feel this way. Just don't show it & don't act on it. As a human being your character isn't determined by how you feel, it's how you deal with your feelings.
I dislike BM. She's a pain in the ass, an annoyance, & when we have children I want her to feel like she has NOTHING to do with our home. AT ALL. Like straight up "I dont' even know what color their house is" type stuff. Like when I have a child she never sees the baby. & I know it's immature but w/e. I treat her just like anybody else in life I don't like, Idc who's mom she is. If SD was a biotch like BM, I can't say I wouldn't feel the same way about her. However, I would act differently because that is still DH's child.
id rather be alone then have
id rather be alone then have you as a step-mother to my bio children. if youre married and youre spouse has children (and I mean non adults) and you refuse to love them as your own, well that's WICKED.
Uh, no. My step daughter has
Uh, no. My step daughter has a mommy and a daddy. She doesn't NEED me to love her like my own, and I don't NEED her to love me. The situation between she and I came out of the relationship I have with her father. I didn't get with him to love or be loved by a child.
If I were to stop looking out for her health and safety when she is in my care or at our home, THAT would be WICKED.
I feel sorry for your wife, goldenlion, to have married someone with such unrealistic expectations of another human being's emotions.
My comment is only directed
My comment is only directed to the 'she should love our child more' part. It doesn't work that way. I have 2 children with my XH. I dislike him very much, that plays no part in how I feel about my bios. My Bios are MY children when I love them - sure my XH is part of them, but that just doesn't enter into it - I don't know if that makes sense.
It might not make sense until you have your child and you realize that you love your child - not for any reason other than you love YOUR CHILD for being YOUR CHILD.
The other stuff is all natural - part time family members miss out on things but are part of the family unit when there. Just because you parents don't live with you, doesn't mean they aren't a family member - its just a different type of family member. To me, much the same with skids - they are just a different type of family member - its just what it is.
I was you 4 years ago. One of
I was you 4 years ago.
One of the things I did was sit my SS down and explain to him all the ins and outs of being a big brother. I am a big brother myself so I know the drill. I think it did a lot to smoothe over the change to the family dynamic. My SS was a VERY needy kid. He still is, but not so much. He loves his little half-brother and it warms my heart when I see them play together.
It's strange..., but when I go to playgrounds, amusement parks where there are lots of children of different ages, I can almost tell instantly which children have siblings and which don't. Having a sibling changes your outlook on life. I feel blessed and lucky in that regard. So your SD is going to be very lucky indeed.
What do you notice? I only
What do you notice? I only have DD2months, so no playgrounds for us yet!
I find children with siblings
I find children with siblings (especially older children) are more mindful/careful in the presence of younger children. They'll do things like offer to help, wait patiently while a younger child takes his turn, not play so rough, etc.
I sincerely appreciate the
I sincerely appreciate the comments that have been made so far. I have some resistance to all of this that I can't identify. I'm not usually emotional, but I am sometimes on the verge of accepting the things about step families that disturb me so much, and I can see the promise of a happy family, and I can be on the verge of tears. Just as easily, I can become very angry or hurt in some way. Your comments have pushed me toward a more positive view.
As a side note, you WILL be
As a side note, you WILL be very emotional, and anxiety is normal, babies are pretty life changing. Before I had my daughter I was one of those people who laughed when others said babies will change your life, now I have my foot so far in my mouth I can taste my knees.
All of these feelings are normal, heck, they're also related to evolution. Other animals kill the previous young of their current partners, be glad the worst you think about is just the feeling that you would like your GF to love the child you have together more. It is normal, but please don't act on it, and if you have to, go to counseling to help yourself work through it.
Also, realize chances are, you WILL love your child more (a lucky few do not). The sooner you accept that fact and stop feeling guilty about it, the sooner your relationship with both your SD and soon to be baby will be organic and natural, allowed to mature on its own instead of these negative feelings pushing your actions one way or the other.
And, to be honest, parents sometimes, even if they don't admit it, will love certain of their children "more." It doesn't mean they don't love their other children, but some you just have a stronger bond with. It happens more often than people want to talk about. However, as long as they treat everyone fairly and the children don't know, it doesn't really matter.
Best of luck to you!
I think most of these are
I think most of these are normal concerns (except for her loving your child more). I think you have to talk to your GF and talk about how you can deal with some of these feelings and making sure everyone is treated equally.
I am pregnant with my first child now and I have some of these worries as well. Things are going good with the skids and everything is peaceful. I fully expect that I will love our child more and I think that's natural. But I just want to make sure that I don't openly favor my child over them. I am worried about that...but my DH thinks that the age difference between the skids and our baby will allow them to understand, but I'm not so sure.
Your g/f will love her
Your g/f will love her children differently from each other - but not because of who their fathers are. Because they are different people. Not to say she will love one more or less, but she will love them differently. And that's okay.
I love my oldest for being my first-born (it creates a special bond for a Mom, I think), but also for being quirky, off-beat and very much their own person. And yes, for being so much like me. I love my youngest for being as different from me as night is to day, for being a firebrand, for being a strong woman, for being herself. And yes, for the (good) traits I see she got from her Dad. They are two very, very different people (when we are in public together, I get so many "which of these is not like the other" looks from strangers), and I do love them differently. But both know I love them. As will - I hope - your g/f's kids.
When I read that you have a
When I read that you have a special bond with your first, because it was your first, I have a really strong negative reaction. It makes me feel really sad. In a way, it is at odds with your first sentence, which states that the love is based on the fact that they're different people. The order is apparently important to you (or other mother's). My child will be my girlfriend's second, or less specially bonded.
Nope, just bonded
Nope, just bonded differently. This is the child who helped me learn about being a parent. How sleepless nights, messy houses, being spewed/pissed/pooped on, etc. didn't really matter all that much. That all of those things were tolerable in the journey of bringing up a new person. All of that does hold a special place in a person's life - as you will find with YOUR first child. It does not diminish the milestones or achievements of a subsequent child at all - which you will also learn.
When we were starting our family, I wanted boys, I get boys. Girls scared me to bits (was never a girly-girl). My oldest was born male. I love that child fiercely. 'Nuff said. My youngest... LOL I learned to do girly. But you watch how you handle her/her sib - she will lay you out in a second flat. I couldn't love her more if she were first and a boy. She is the other light of my life.
What you seem to be missing is that a *parent* has an ever-expanding heart. There is room for every child. It is selfish to expect the mother of your child to shunt off her other child to make you feel better. Selfish, and childish.
I have never understood how
I have never understood how you can love your spouse/or SO and not love their kids. I didn't say getting along was easy for everybody, my life had bumps, but things are great now. BUT something to remember on this "family" genetics and biology DO NOT make a family, if it did I would be quite screwed. A family comes form your heart, not your pants.
The same way you don’t love
The same way you don’t love your husband’s parents like they’re your own, or the way you don’t love your husband’s siblings like they’re your own. Children and adults alike are unique personalities, some mesh and some do not. Just because a step-child is a child of your spouse doesn’t automatically guarantee that you will have the connection with the child that you do with his or her parent. If that were the case, we wouldn’t have as many members on STalk. I love my husband dearly, but I can’t say that I love his daughter. I care about her and wish her the best and would never mistreat her. But no, I don’t love her, and I certainly don't care for her like I do my own DD.
Me and my SO had a baby 3
Me and my SO had a baby 3 months ago. I thought that he would dismiss his son on the days that he had his daughter. He doesn't. I also thought that his daughter would be super jealous etc. She is only 3 and she loves her brother to death and is really protective of him. She hates it when other people hold him. I only have one child, but I believe that my SO loves his son and daughter equally. He gets to see his son everyday but that doesn't make a difference. He fought so hard to get the visitation that he has with his daughter (BM is a nut job) and so he loves every moment he is with his daughter.
I can honestly say that I will never love his daughter as much as I love my son. But she is family to me and I care about her immensly. I would do just as much for her as I would my son.
The feelings you have are normal. I stressed about all these dynamics the whole 9 months I was pregnant. In the end, things worked out for themselves and there wasn't really anything to worry. When the baby gets here, it will be a day by day process.
If you do not grow up then
If you do not grow up then yes, these are indicators that your blended family and relationship are doomed.
However, you can fix this so that it may be a blended family success story. Of course you will love your child differently and more than you love your Skid. That is not an issue. How you treat and behave towards your Skid will be the make or break element of the whole blended family adventure.
If your GF does prefer your child over her eldest then she would not be a woman that I would want to bear my children. That you would even want her to prefer one of her children over another indicates that you have some work ot do on your perspective on this issue.
3.5 days a week is not a visitor. Your Skid is a regular resident of your home and a consistent member of your family. If the Skid were in your home for a month or so in the summer and a week at Christmas and a week at spring break then your kid would be a visitor to your home.
Adjust your perspective, relax and engage on your growing family. If you consider your Skid as a member of your family that sets a positive foundation for you and your GF to effectively parent all of the children in your home regardless of biology.
Congatulations on the baby.
All IMHO of course.
Thanks for the comments--I've
Thanks for the comments--I've read through them several times.
One thing that stands out to me is that the step child is being referred to as "her" child, when it is actually her child and the ex's child. If I were to refer to "our" house as "my" house, I would certainly be corrected, so it is not a small point. I'm not thinking that a preference should be held for one of "her" children, but that a preference would be held for "hers and mine" compared to "hers and exs." It seems that any other comparison along these lines would not be considered selfish. I'd hope that she would prefer my ring, my personality,the life we are building together, etc. to his. Is is selfish that she would prefer the sex we had creating our child to the sex they had creating the step child? Is it selfish to think that just maybe she would like the home we create better than the home they created? It seems that everything that we do and create together can be preferred to their creations, but having the exact same preference for a child is selfish? It may be incorrect or unhealthy or something, but what makes it selfish in light of all of the other preferences that exist.
Because the child is more
Because the child is more than just the sex that caused him/her. The child is a part of her.
So yes, it is her child. You could refer to your future child as "my child" & it would be fine. To say "ours" means jointly the child belongs to both of you. Her child from her ex, is not yours or "ours". He/she is hers, he/she is her exes, THEIRS. They can even say "our child" and be right. You can't.
It burns a little for all of us, but it's just the truth. If the child were both of yours, there would be no competition where you want her to like the 'new child' better.
edit to add: her not favoring your child together over her other child does not mean she doesn't favor you. People don't see their children as an extension of their ex. DH HATES BM. she's a piece of crap liar. He loves SD7 though.
IMHO you are diving way to
IMHO you are diving way to deep in to history on this issue. Of course your future bride prefers you to her X and prefers the life she has with you to the life she had with her X. If these issues were not truth she would be with her X and not with you.
But, when it comes to her children, the odds are she will be far more protective and focused on your Skid than your shared child because of guilt and sensitivities towards what she is picking up from you and because your Skid is the product of a broken home/family.
My DW and I have no BKs together. I have no BKs with anyone. Even in our situation my bride had guilt over her choices that made SS the child of a 16yo single teen mom and a worthless POS 24yo. Though we have been married for nearly 20 years and things are amazing, we have raised an amazing young man together, and we are enjoying our empty nester adventure, my wife did struggle for many years in the first half of our marriage with guilt and trying to protect SS from the toxic shallow and polluted end of his gene pool. Often this caused her to react strongly against my participation as an equity parent to my SS.
She/we worked through these issues and we were able to make our marriage and family even stronger.
History never goes away but it should be kept where in belongs. In the past. Focus on the future that you and your bride are building together and don't sweat what might could possibly be going through her mind regarding preference in partners, homes, lives and children.
That seems to me to be a breeding ground for bad marital and family results.
IMHO of course.
I think it's selfish to
I think it's selfish to expect her to turf out her other child in favor of the one she made with you because you think you're better in bed or can provide better. Your relationship is (presumably) about more than just your performance and your money.
You seriously need to figure out a way past this need for what you provide (including a child) needing to be better than what she has/had from "him". Otherwise, don't expect to be with her long-term. How would you feel if your next lady expected you to get rid of this child in favor of one you make with her?
I think most of your thoughts
I think most of your thoughts are pretty normal... which is NOT to say I don't think you should get over it.
Yep, you'll love your bio more than your step. Nothing wrong with that. But you better TREAT them the same. (And honestly, I think you will. If you're worried about these feelings, I can't see you then being that unfair.) You don't take one kid out for ice cream and leave her sister home. You don't let one kid jump on the couch but put the other in time out for the same crap. When they're in the same house, they have the same rules, same treats, etc etc. You know that already.
Nope, your gf will NOT prefer one child over the other. (Or at least, not all the time. She will likely have a preference at various times for whichever child is not making her nuts.) Your child is not a little "you" and more than your stepchild is a little "ex". They are individuals, their own people with their own personalities and quirks, and your gf (and you) will have special experiences with them that have NOTHING to do with who their dad was. Expecting your GF to prefer your child over your stepdaughter is NOT like expecting her to prefer your life together over the one she had with the ex. It's more like expecting her to prefer hanging out with your mom over hanging with her friends. (Since your mom is part of YOU, while obviously her friends are not.)
As for the "family" thing... that kind of goes both ways. Yeah, you're going to have some family moments when your stepdaughter isn't with you. And you'll be a family. Then you're going to have family moments while she's WITH you. And you'll be a family then too. If it helps, try thinking of things from your BABY'S perspective - that's his or her Big Sister. Those two will ALWAYS be family, now and forever. And hopefully your child will love and adore Big Sis, just as Big Sis loves and adores the new baby. I'll tell you, when I had my first child that was actually the biggest help to me. My son would just light up, with this huge gummy grin, every time my stepdaughters came over. And they adored him and played with him and tickled him to make him giggle. Anyone who could make my child so happy, and feel so loved, will always be welcome in my home - and my family. I wish you the same, with all my heart.
Beautiful response!
Beautiful response!