I completely agree^. I remember some of those issues myself when I first started getting more active in the home life here. "Can't cook that the kids won't eat it" They did NOTHING no help with dishes not even bringing a plate to the sink, my DH just did everything for them, he's always tried to make up for the divorce which was their moms fault. Eventually I started pulling back a little. I told him I loved him, but that I couldn't hold him back form his family when they apparently needed him so much... and then he realized he might be alone for the rest of his life if he didn't start making them more independant. One night the kids did do dishes and he felt insanely guilty! Ashamed even.... I had to talk him into realizing that kids SHOULD do this... Don't overdo the problems with the child, even though they are bad it will make him feel like a failure, and he'll get angry. Just tell him that you love him, you want it to work, but you can't play the game he's asking you to play.

Agreed and agreed. He's exhibiting classic signs of "Guilty Daddy Syndrome". At 9 years old, a child should be doing chores (I just managed to get this implemented at my house) and sure as hell should be able to serve herself and cut her own food. Having said that, both StepAside and Coldandloved are absolutely right in that you can't do a damn thing about it. You can talk to BF and have "the discussion" about how you're feeling and how you feel that she should be raised to be a strong, independent young lady, not someone that's dependent on someone else for everything and that you are concerned that she's not being given any of the tools to do this but the fact of the matter is that (and I struggle with this daily) you are there and expected to have a hand in raising her but you don't get a say into how it's done. It's a little different for me because we have SD9 every other week so we can make her do chores, no problem but when you only see your SD EOW, I'm sure he just wants to baby her and do the Disney Dad thing because of his guilt. I don't know how to reconcile that, I think it's just something that you'll have to figure out if you can deal with. It's amazing what they can do once their parents show that they have the confidence in them to do certain things It really goes both ways. Have you talked with BF about any of this?

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

Is it possible for you to go somewhere else for a while during the weekend when he has her? I hate to say it but maybe leaving him alone with her for a bit is the exact solution. You helping to cater to her on his behalf, is just making it easier for her to be pampered, and him to cater to her even more. I would put it to him as "I love you both, but I feel like I'm just in the way... Im going to go ______ for the weekend until we can figure out how having both of us here can work in a way that doesn't stress me out so much" You're not their slave and by being there feeling like a hired caterer... he's not learning how much work it is to cater to her demands.

Keep repeating to yourself - "Not my kid, Not my problem". I too suck at the disengaging. If I keep chanting that mantra in my head when my SD13 is on the computer for 5 hours, it helps. Also, I disappear a lot when they are here.

You're not alone in the feelings of jealousy, resentment and overwhelming stress! Most of us have been there and still are there to a degree. I had this same problem (and still do some) with my DH and my SD, only mine was a little more complicated because I have 2 children from a previous relationship and DH and I have a child together as well. But SD was the absolute ruler of the home.. I repeat WAS. When I finally couldn't take it anymore, I told him the disney dad act was over or we were over and that he had to choose to either be a parent to his child rather than a friend and to allow me to be the woman of the house or that he needed to start packing his things. DH and I have since started a journal together. When somethings bothering me or vice versa we write it in our journal so that the other person can read it and have time to process it before responding which has greatly reduced our screaming matches. It works well for us. I still don't really like it when SD comes to visit but at least now I am being respected and she doesn't rule the home anymore!

You are not alone. These boards help me so much, hopefully you'll find solace here, as well.

I'm in a similar position. I work full time as an attorney, and when I get home I work full time as a stepmom two weeknights each week, and every other full weekend (friday to sunday). We have the kids literally half of the time. I cook, clean and run around picking up toys until I am ready to drop. Like you, I feel extremely stressed when the kids are at our house and when they leave, I'm angry and exhausted by the situation. I disagree with a lot of DH's strategy in raising the kids (bedtimes, discipline, etc) but I feel so helpless because he agrees with everything I say, but then doesnt' follow through because of his guilt.

I KNOW that I must disengage, and I know that taking all of this on isn't wise or helpful, but sometimes I wonder if I am doing these things (cook, clean and run around) to avoid interacting with the kids. I feel guilty if I check out and do something "fun" on my own, so I'm starting to wonder if taking all of this burden on is an excuse/coping mechanism. I could insist that we order food (we live in Manhattan, so that is pretty practical), I could tell dh that our cleaning lady needs to come 2x a week...but for some reason, I don't.

This is my first post and I am so glad to have found somewhere I can talk to others with the same feelings and issues as me. I have a very similiar situation and it is driving me nuts too. My bf's nine and half year old daughter lives full time with us. She is very dependent (can't get her plate, cut her food, dress herself, or even take a bath by herself),immature and extremely clingy(still rides in the grocery cart and has to be holding on to her father almost nonstop). She is allowed to do or act just about any way she wants. Anything she wants at the store when we go, she gets (which will entertain her for about an hour and then it is lost or never touched again).All of our free time is controlled by her wants. Essentially our home is controlled by this little girl. My bf and I have very little time together alone which is hard on a relationship. I feel like a maid and a paycheck more often than not. I will be totally honest, I find myself resenting her and even being jealous at times. I really love my boyfriend and I love her too but this situation is so hard to deal with sometimes. I find myself not wanting to come home or pretend to be sick so I can just be alone in our bedroom while all the caos is going on. I hate feeling this way. In a previous marriage (to my son's dad) I had a stepdaughter and I never felt that way. I really loved it when she stayed with us. I missed her when she wasn't there. That is the way it should be. Why don't I feel the same way about this child as I did for my other stepdaughter?
I feel so guilty and I hate it that I feel the way I do. My bf's daughter is truly out of control and I feel it will only get worse as time goes on. What can I do, I really have no say in how he raises her. Do I? I know that my feelings have caused me to really stress out and it is taking it's toll.

I know exactly how you feel. I am stressed out to the max...I don't know how much more I can handle. I really want this to work. My bf is such a great person besides this and I love him so much. I am so torn with my feelings. It is amazing to me that a nine and half year old child can be so manipulative that she can totally control a household and all the people close to her and no one sees that anything is wrong with the picture.

right. for me, the worst part is just feeling like i am in my home, living with this terrible feeling in my stomach, and acting and feeling in ways that are not normal for me. i'm used to being such a happy person that enjoys life...and when SD is around, especially lately, i feel so miserable and angry, and I've lost all of the sparkle that i used to have. my home is a place to avoid, rather than a place where i get recharged. i'm starting to say scary things about how much i love and appreciate my job!

OMG...Mich811, I think we are same person...LOL

mich811...i am a lawyer too. on your two weeknights...pick those to work late and get your billables up. let their dad handle all the running around. you just have a really busy caseload right now...

then...leave work, get dinner and see a movie.

i love that idea...but dh is ALSO a lawyer, and he knows my schedule really well (we met at work!) and he knows that i am just lying if i say i don't have the flexibility to come home on those nights with the kids. and, his whole thing is that he thinks that i am removing myself from the parenting role, and he wants me to be more engaged, yada yada. sigh. i really don't know what to do. maybe i should be an investment banker and then i'll be totally unable to be home : )

He really, really doesn't get that. He feels that I AM a parent, that is what I signed up for, etc. From my end, I signed up for wife and STEP-mother, not mother, and the kids don't want or need a mother (although they do seem to want/need a maid, chef and babysitter).

I think we need to go to a counselor to help us both see each other's side. We've definitely hit a wall.

you did not "sign up" for that. that is crazy. sounds like he could not handle those kids on his own and uses you as the crutch.

he wants you there? fine. tell him you will be there...but he cooks...he cleans...he picks and plans entertainment. it was his sperm after all!

Wow, I can totally understand the jealousy feeling. My DH has a BD13 and she is manipulating. She does for herself and is raised completely different that the structure our house has. I think that is part of her problem. Her mom raises her like trailer trash and our house is the exact opposite morally. Seems DH family feels sorry for her alot of time. I just want to tell her to wake up, most kids nowadays have been through divorce and have to deal with the same issues. She is unkind and jealous and sometimes I hear excuses for her. It drives me crazy especially cuz she is so mean about it. I am thankful she only comes over when DH is home from work-travels alot. I have to tell myself: Not my kid, not my problem all the time. It drives me nuts and makes me worry so much about her. Her mom lets her run around at 2am and dress very revealing and she is sending the wrong signals to boys her age for sure! I am glad my BD12 and 17 realize that is not the view they want to portray to boys. urgh. Not my kid, not my problem.

I understand where you are cominig from! I don't think they do it intentionally (at least I hope not!) My DH and I have been together almost 12 years we have BK 4,9, and 11 SD13 - well my BD11 (she thinks my honey is her father) - BD just a donor - to add to the jelousy of it all SD13 know this and I am afraid she is going to spill the beans just to be a b* - her BM told her years ago........

SD will walk into a room and dad will run up and hug and squeeze her like he hasn't seen her in years.....SHE LIVES WITH US. Everytime she comes in the room all eyes are on her... What do you need what do you want GAG

I will look forward to sitting on the coach and just cuddling, but by the time I put the others to bed - SD is in my spot on the couch - so I will just go to bed and they will stay up and chat.......I don't get it either; the whole thing is weird. I have no problem telling MY kids - BEAT it; mom and dad time. They get up and it's over; OOOOHHHHHH if I ever said that to precious little SD - SH* would hit the FAN. This is a question I have yet to understand. Women are territorial and it sucks having to compete with someone

Good LUCK

Well here it goes, I met my husband through some friends that knew him very well, by then I had my daughter by someone else who was never in my life even during the pregnancy of my daughter in 2005, but anyways I married my great husband October of 2006 at first he didn't tell me about his daughter until later on that year of 2006, ok years we had a rocky road marriage but manageable, on November of 2013 mu husband went to bring his daughter from El Salvador and she is 14 then and now 15, well the first weeks of her living with us was so so because we were living in a studio apartment and of course it gets messy especially with 4 people, my husband always tells me his daughter knows how to clean and all that, yeah right, when I go to work I come home late and once I entered the house its a mess, for my daughter its understandable but for them 2 no, I had to clean up a house that they could have done to make me happy but whatever. and this goes on until I got hella mad and I talked to my husband and my step daughter, well after that madness talk she did finally cleaned up the house, and now we moved to Florida, and well its a life change. There's more space here but we only clean a few rooms, during the time here I felt different like stress or jealousy or whatever you call it, because every time my stepdaughter gets close to her father ( my husband) she always ask for something or they are talking in secret and like I feel they are talking about me but I doubt it, and another thing she acts like a baby around him and she is 15yrs old to grown to be even act like that. I never have time with my husband, because his excuse is " my daughter is bored at home and we need to go together us 4 as a family and hang out", I'm like ok but I need time with you just us too, he says "I know", its rarely now for us 2 to go out, I just feel I need some alone time with my husband without his daughter being around, well at least my daughter she is happy whether she is at school or outside playing with her friends, I don't have problems with her, only the fact that my daughter and step daughter don't get along as much. and its always a problem as well, its complicated with all that. And you know she always want to make changes in the house especially with cooking, I don't like it because when she makes a mess she don't clean after herself, and not only that's she wants make certain foods that she like from her country el Salvador and you when we are on our budget cant be spending on high priced foods right , but yet she goes to her father and asks him to buy the certain food and sometimes he buys it, I'm like seriously, she is not going to clean up after herself but whatever. sometimes I want to run away from all this but I know I will be making the biggest mistake of my life, I just don't know what to do? and what to deal with my problem, and how to control my jealousy or whatever I'm feeling towards my stepdaughter. because the real fact is I don't like my stepdaughter being too close with her father ( my husband), but you know every time my husband and I argue about her he says I need help like therapy wise. I'm like wow really. so my conclusion is I need some kind of good advice on how to control mi issues I have with my stepdaughter

Personally I would thank my lucky stars that I was not yet married and had no children to this man. Then I would pack up my stuff, run as far away as possible and then find a guy without children and live happily ever after.
If I had known what I know now, I would never have put myself in this position. I felt exactly the same way as you do ten years ago when SS was 8. Except his mother had just died of cancer and if you think kids get sympathy and play off the guilt when their parents are divorced, you haven't seen anything. Even now when I tell people about what a nightmare my life is, and mention that SS's mother is dead, they can't hear anything except the last part and my problems seem insignificant.
We had SS FULL TIME and I was expected to pander to his every whim and if I said no, the whole family treated me like Hitler. They still do.
Run, run far away.

Hi. I am a step child. More specifically, I am a step daughter in my current family. My mother passed away when I was 6 and my father remarried a couple years after. I understand that you might be frustrated with your current predicament, but let me just say that we can tell when you're trying to hide your emotions. And when you can't love the child, it just makes us resent you more And more. My step mother used to get jealous of me all the time because my father would want to spend time with me. I remember that about a year after their marriage, my father and I stopped at the mall to grab a snack for me to eat, and stayed an hour later than we had expected. When we returned home, my step mother was furious and said my dad valued me over her. She then proceeded to storm out of the house. I was sent to my room without dinner as my dad tried tried to figure out what to do. I was also then told that because I had made my step mother jealous, I was not allowed to do anything for the rest of the night.

This was the beginning of the bad relationship between me and my step mother. My father began to spend more and more time with her, and 8 years later, I honestly don't feel like I have a father any more. My step mother's jealousy over my dad's concern for me is still evident to this day. When my father suggests we do something because he thinks I'll enjoy it, my step mother shuts it down. When I would like to go somewhere, she tells me to do it myself. On a recent family vacation, she told me if I wanted to go see an attraction to go myself, and then told me that she could care less. I am 20 and I think my relationship with my father has been ruined because of her. I also don't think I'll ever have a good relationship with my step mother , and to be quite honest, I don't want one either. I resent the way she could care less about me, the way she never was any semblance of a mother character in my life. I learned the nuances of being a woman from my older friends. Not her.

For the sake of your step daughter, don't make her hate you. Please. It's a scar she 'll have to carry with her the rest of her life, just like I'll have to. You may be jealous of step daughters, but understand that we need affection too. You coming into the family and trying to fight for attention is crossing the line. I see my step mother express affection towards her nieces and nephews. I realize that to her, I am inferior to those she actually cares about. When you enter a family, integrate healthily into the family. You're not just marrying the guy for him, but you're also essentially agreeing to adopt a kid as well. It's your responsibility and the father's responsibility to discern if the relationship will be healthy, for the two of you and for the child.

No need to feel jealous. Even if SD moves closer you can set boundaries that the Skid only visits EOWE. Period. Or, be a little flexible and say one day each week during the week and EOWE. Set the schedule and hold your SO to it.

Kids in intact initial families or truly single bio parent situations are there all of the time but second marriages and blended families do not need to adopt the same standards. Why should BM get every WE off while you and your DH facilitate BM's kid free weekends each and every weekend? The answer is you shouldn't. Engage with the kid on the EOWE schedule and enjoy your 1:1 time with your DH on the non Skid weekends. It is far easier and far more pleasant to engage with the Skid than to alienate the Skid or yourself during visitation time. When my bride and I started dating when SS-22 was 15mos old it became readily apparent to me that if I was going to have a successful marriage to his mom I had to engage with the kid. So, I did. I am his dad, he is my kid, and the three of us are a very close family. We have been empty nesters for the past nearly 4 years and my bride and I are enjoying every minute of it but the three of us remain a very close family as far as our relationships.

Make the choice and the effort to get over your jealousy and engage in a positive life and relationship with your DH and your Skid.

This does not mean that the Skid runs amok when she is in your home. Set rules, if your BF won't participate then inform him of what the rules are and that they will be enforced whether he enforces them or not. Set the expectation with the 10yo that she will follow the rules or she will bear the consequences. Then move forward in the relationship with her when she is in your home.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.