are these kids even yours?
For those who have read some of my posts/blog you know that I have 2 SDs. I have stated that if feel resentful and frustrated towards my DH. So here's what you dont know. These Skids I have been stuck with might not even be my DHs kids at all. Yes... I am saying that his ex was constantly cheating on him and even has told the oldest girl that my DH might not be her bio dad.
What did you say? Get a paternaty test? Dont you think I've begged for this? The excuse my DH gives is 1) since he claimed responsibility for them for most of their lives the state wont pay for it (I understand that it was his fault for not demanding one sooner. Hell he knew before his oldest was was even born that it might not be his)
2) he would be so upset if it turned out he wasnt the father.
What!?!?! Yes I get he has valid feelings. But I dont deserve these manipulative lying brats thrusted at me either. This is the main reason why I have so much resentment towards my DH. I could have a chance of not having to deal with them.
It costs roughly $150.00
It costs roughly $150.00 total.
http://www.walmart.com/ip/Identigene-DNA-Paternity-Test-Kit/10740658
Bm doesn't have to know & you & DH can decide what to do with the info.
I know. I have tried talking
I know. I have tried talking my DH into this. But he says no. It would be to painful for him to know the truth. Are you kidding me? If I had questions about if my kids were mine I would want to know the truth. Wouldnt anyone in their right mind? Why wouldnt he? I dont get it!
What I have learned over the
What I have learned over the years is, this is not our resentment to have. Well, we can have it (and I have) but it's not worth it.
I also have 2 SDs, although I rarely acknowledge the oldest on here, who has been estranged from DH since she was a child. She has only been in touch with him when she wants something. I am talking anywhere from 2-4 year stretches where she has not contacted him.
I have always believed she is not his and SHE believes there is a good chance she is not his. But my husband loves her and always has, and DNA would not change that. She has denied him, cussed him, ignored him, and calls him by his first name unless she catches herself. Still, he loves her.
He offered to get a DNA test, if she wanted, when she was about 16 and she refused because she was scared that if she really wasn't his, he would not stick around (even though she wanted nothing to do with him, anyway, but just in case she wanted something, ya know). He would not have turned her back on her if she wasn't biologically his.
It has finally kind of come to an end after her last call, making excuses as to why she cussed him out and trying to put a huge guilt trip on him. He was tired of it and did not buy into it. I believe she hung up on him. I hope she never calls again.
So, I do understand where you are coming from, but I also understand that the man I love is a stand up guy and was willing to pay CS and take care of a kid (the best he was allowed) that may not have been his. And he paid CS for her for a full 18 years, as he and the BM split when she was a baby. BM's mother even tried to get him to let her adopt SD and my husband refused to sign over his rights (I really wished he had).
Of course, it's easy for me to say the resentment is not worth it now that CS is done but still, I hate to add up the money that went out of our household for a kid that might not be his. I just try not to think about it anymore, and be glad she's not around.
It would be nice if SD18
It would be nice if SD18 would have nothing to do with my DH. Unfortunately she knows that daddy wont let her fall. I just want to know there is an end to all of this. I refuse to interact with skids, but they always find away to cause drama that I end up getting lopped into.
You think a test might make
You think a test might make it so you wouldn't have to deal with these kids? Your DH claimed them as his own and he loves them. A test wouldn't change that. Get over yourself.
You are very right. It is
You are very right. It is selfish thinking. But after the years I've had to deal with her (mainly the oldest SF) it is something I wish for.
Really, just try to put it
Really, just try to put it out of your mind.
One, it would break your DH's heart. Two, other than breaking his heart, what would it change? If your DH is like mine, he will still love them as his own and still do anything for them. If you wish for anything, just wish he wouldn't allow himself to be used and treated as an ATM.
I really do wish my husband's oldest had not treated him so bad, whether she is his or not. I have watched him hurt over her for years. We tried to reach out to her in the past and make her a part of our family but she wanted none of it unless there was something material in it for her. That's what I have a problem with, more so than DNA.
Thank you for your advice.
Thank you for your advice. You are completely right. He would still put up with her drama and treat him like garbage. And no it really wouldnt change anything. It just sucks. But thank you.
even if they are not
even if they are not his....that doesn't change he is their" dad", so still the same issues.
Oh for Christ's sake don't
Oh for Christ's sake don't marry this guy. Find a guy without children and start your own family. This is going to ruin any marriage and you'll be divorced before the girl is 18. Above all don't bring more children into this mix only to end up with more children of divorced parents.
He can't escape paternity now he had to object before the birth certificate was signed so for their sake let them work it out as best they can. Like it or not he's her father.
In my case my husband KNEW BM
In my case my husband KNEW BM cheated, he confronted her and she admitted to the possibility of SD18 not being his (this was BEFORE they were even married and BEFORE the child was born). His response for staying and just signing the birth certificate (which in my opinion was just stupid) was "I don't know, I thought I was doing the right thing" WTF????
Then for SD #2, they had been separated. BM was living with her off/ on bf and they broke up. So they get back together(my DH and BM) and OMG! she finds out shes knocked up. they got back together in APRIL and she had the kid in OCTOBER and the kid was NOT premature. But what does my man do? He thinks without a doubt it is his until he meets me and I clue him in on the fact that the time line does not mesh well with gestation times.
Now I have been stuck with BM crazy b.s ( and let me tell you its been f'ed up but that's a different story).
I'm sorry but as a man, I
I'm sorry but as a man, I would want to know if a child is really mine or not. Sure I would still love the child, but I would still want to know the truth.
Also what some of you aren't getting is that if the child really isn't his, the biological father has been deprived of a relationship with his child. Maybe the bio dad would have never wanted anything to do with the child, but he still should be afforded the opportunity. I would be mad as hell if there is a woman out there who had my child, never told me about it and then let some other guy raise my child.
I honestly think your DH needs to grow a pair.
I am in the same situation.
I am in the same situation. SD is very likely not my DHs and he knew it was a possibility 21 years ago
but he just "wanted a baby" so bad. BM cheated from their engagement on through their marriage-the last time with his best friend who he thinks is probably the father. BM and DH were not having sex at all the last few years of their marriage.Not once. She didnt want to at all except one time she initiated it and he was shocked. She became pregnant supposedly and SD came a month early but 7 pounds. Looks nothing like my DH, Towers over him in height and looks like a combo of BM and other guy.
DH felt that he loved SD and didnt care if she was his or not. He didnt want to know. Except now we have been struggling financially for so many years, had bitter court battles and constant fighting from the mentally ill BM and SD has totally turned her back on him for the past 2 years and poisoned DHs family against him.
So DH has me and our 2 kids thank God but no money and no family and years of drama and stress for a kid who most likely isnt his that still hates his guts when all he ever did was try to see her as much as he could and be her father.
Ill never understand why a man wouldnt want to know if a child is his or not. Why would you want to get attached and support a child that is not yours? If someone is knowingly cheating on you and you dont question the paternity youre just a dumbass. Sorry. Babies are cute and all but they grow up. These men need to think logically. You are attached to the BM forever. If theres even a chance the kid is not yours and youre in a bad relationship to begin with then you need to make sure that its yours before you get strapped down with 18 or more years of child support and dealing with all the drama!
It also pissed me off that these slimy skanky women can get away with lying and destroying so many peoples lives. Its not fair to the kid, the man who raises the child as his own and then gets blindsided, and also to the man who actually is the father.
Our BM is super religious and plays off as perfect mom and all that crap. Shes a whore that slept with at least 4 different men while married to my DH. Its all common knowledge in DHs family but they like to forget about it.
To the OP- take it from me its hard not to be bitter but just let it go. I have tried and am still trying in my case. It wouldnt change child support and DH would be heartbroken. He wouldnt just write her out of his life if he found out she wasnt his. Sucks all around. These BMs should be held accountable for playing with peoples lives this way!
I agree you need to find a
I agree you need to find a way to let this go, and it sounds like you know that - but it's hard. From what you said, your real issue is that you don't want to deal with them. So don't, as far as you can. Be out of the house when they visit, don't engage with them, disengage as much as you can. (You don't say how much you do with or for them, but whatever it is that you do - stop! YOU don't owe them anything at all.)
I don't do anything for them.
I don't do anything for them. They are not allowed at me house. Once my DH said I have no say in how they were raised then I said I cant live in a house where 2 girls have full run and treat the parents like slaves (and that's putting it nicely). I don't speak to them. My husband however goes headfirst into their drama and b.s. and then ends up blaming BM when he finds out that his angels lied about whatever it maybe. "they get it from their mother" is the most used excuse.
But because I refuse to speak with them my DH likes to tell me of how much of a bitch I am. Oh yes, this is on a EOW basis especially for the SD13. the SD18 I wont be in the same house with due to her lies and stealing.
Jeez, I think your problem is
Jeez, I think your problem is your DH, not the girls! One, he's not parenting just trying to be their friend. Two, he likes to call you a bitch. (?!?) Three, he talks to you about them AT ALL! It's so tough being able to get a picture from a post (or even a series of them) - do you guys have a decent relationship when the kids are NOT mentioned? If so, use one of those times to tell him, "Look, I really enjoy our relationship like this. The SD's are a sore spot with both of us. Could we agree not to talk about them for a month and see how that goes?" Maybe if you don't have to hear him whine about it, you could deal? I don't know, just throwing that out there....
He brings them up when he
He brings them up when he wants to portray them as injured little babies. For example:
Just last week he comes home. I ask how was you day. He says fine but I got an email from BM (I did not know that they communicate through email, no biggie but still it shocked me) I was like, what did she want thinking she wanted something. He goes into this rant about how SD13 had gotten a referral and detention for
1)being disrespectful in class
2)yelling and screaming in class
3)being disruptive in class
4)being inappropriate in class
5) etc.. etc.. etc.
He then tells me he contacted the school and yelled at them for the ETC. What????
why not address the issue that your kid is doing what she always does and is misbehaving for attention!!??!!
But no, he rather freak out about something small and not deal with the problem. And the reason the BM had contacted my DH is because she cant handle the kids. ARE YOU KIDDING ME???
But yes, I'm the bitch because I just refuse to put up with their shit.
YES!!! its nice to know there
YES!!! its nice to know there is someone out there that has these feelings as well.
". But I dont deserve these
". But I dont deserve these manipulative lying brats thrusted at me either'
you don't have to have that. You can delete them from your life easy. They aren't YOURS & we don't need a paternity test to know that, lol. Put some distance between them & your situation.
How old are they? Your DH wont' be able to walk away no matter what paternity says. & neither will his family. So it won't make a difference.
oldest is 18 has really been
oldest is 18 has really been out of my DH life for almost 2 years, and now that BM doesn't get CS for her and kicked her ass out, SD has been nonstop texting and calling for money and to use DH truck.
the other is 13.
Read my blogs for the
Read my blogs for the unfortunately true adventures of a BM who lied about her child's paternity and the fallout it produced.