your thoughts
Hello, everyone...
I will try to be short with my story.
My husband and I have been together since 2008 and married since 2010. My husband has a child, boy, from a previous relationship. Biological mother was diagnosed with bipolar disorders and can't ( or does not want to...I am not sure) raise the child. The child is now 7 and a half. He has been leaving with my husband and I since he was 2- when the mother decided she can no longer care for the boy and dumped him on my husband's shoulders,boyfriend at that time. Biological mother lives in another state, sees the child when it is convenient to her, makes a bunch of excuses, has the mentality of a weekend parent, is very permissive and does not pay a dime for this child. The burden of financially provide for the kid is on my husband and I. I think it is more on my shoulders than his since he has decided that the job he was having before is not the right one. He is trying to get a master's degree in healthcare.He has been depressed and angry lately due to the fact that he is not able to get into the nursing school.
With his last job, my husband was out of town for long periods of time and I had to raise the child and take the responsibility.
My mother-in-law has a very particular way of seeing the situation. She likes to give plenty of advice and talks way too much about things she does not know. When the child was given to my husband by the biological mother, my other-in-law was very upset about the way the child was raised. I need to mentioned that he was very dirty, developmentally delayed, malnourished and bratty. She could not stand the biological mother. As the child grew older, she started making excuses for the child stating things like: " Poor child, he misses his mother!" or " The situation he has to deal with- not being with his biological mother- is very damaging for the child." " I pity the biological mother because with her mental illness- she can't raise the child.' " Okay, let's but the child whatever he asks for because poor thing he is not with his mother."
I am having a hard time dealing with her way of thinking and approaching this situation.
She often tells me: " This is not your child. You should not take responsibility for raising him or providing for him."
I have no choice right now since my husband does not have a job. I must provide financially and emotionally for the child.
I don't mind that as long as my efforts are recognized and appreciated.
Yesterday, we had to meet with her at JC Penny so that we can buy glasses for the boy. Since we did not have the money, she offered to pay. She kept saying:" The child should choose whatever pair he likes since I am paying. You guys don't understand this child. This child is missing his mother.That's way he is acting out. Bla, bla, bla." This conversation made me very upset and my husband did not say anything about it. He let her go on and on and on.
In my opinion, I think the biological mother is not apprehensive about taking care of this child. I don't doubt that she loves him. But as long as the child is cared for by someone else, she can play the fun parent.I perceive her as being very insincere and opportunistic. I think she likes the situation as it is and does not
I think my husband took and is taking me for granted. And I think that I have assumed too much responsibility on raising this child. But I had no choice when he was left with me because of my husband's job.
Biological mother plays the victim role and the " I am sick, I can't raise this child" position.
At this point, I am very hurt and don't know what to do". I have to deal with my husband's depression and my mother-in-law's comments.
What are your thoughts on this?
Thank you.
To point out a few things ~ I
To point out a few things ~ I know your wording is based on your view if this situation. So bare in my mind my response ~ if the mother is mentally ill I as a parent would want my child to be with me. "Dumping him " is your angry words for you taking on so much of the responsibility. The best interest of the child is whst is more important.
Can't you take BM to court to get some sort of cs ??? Her being eliminated from his life could be a good thing ~ it's financially draining but your husband would be paying something towards the child.
That mother in law is doing no justice for that child at all ~ she is grooming him to be a self entities little brat who will blame every bad decision he makes on mommy dearest. Id nip that crap real quick. Thank grandma for offer to buy his glasses but please stop with the comment of his shortcomings ~ we are trying not to raise him with a crutch to use. He isn't disabled ~ his heart might hurt but he can dream n be a good kid.what he needs his love and support not pity. Please don't enable ~
I question your husband going back to school ~ for a better life ??? I think I would totally be resentful if I was the bread winner as you are with all that responsibility n that MIL's view.
How far in his schooling is he ??? Does he work at all ???
He got stuck in this nursing
He got stuck in this nursing thing and says he does not want to have a job in a field unrelated to health.
I am not sure what is going on to my mother in law.This boy is a different child when he is around her-bratty and entitled. My husband tells her to mind her own business, but she starts saying "This is my house. He can have want he wants." The child comes home and refuses to follow our rules. "Grandma said I don't need to do this."
>but she starts saying "This
>but she starts saying "This is my house. He can have want he wants." <
Again she's right, but if MIL wants to see her grandchild she better start learning to be on the same page as you guys otherwise any request for visits from Grandma will be met with "Sorry Grandma, we have plans."
I said the same thing, but my
I said the same thing, but my husband would not react to it all the time because she can talk a lot and over someone. You can't really beat her in talking.
1. Your husband should be
1. Your husband should be telling your MIL that if either you or your husband wanted her advice/opinion that you guys will ask for it. Until then, she should Shut-the-hell-up. She does not know the entirety of the situation and is making VERY gross assumptions here. Bio-Mom is out of the picture. End of story. Child will learn to deal with it. And there is NO reason for anyone to feel sorry for this child. The child has his father and he has you!
>She often tells me: " This is not your child. You should not take responsibility for raising him or providing for him."<
I'd fire back with. "You're right, but guess what? Neither is the child yours! Mother is AWOL and I am the best thing this child has in terms of a mother-figure. You don't like it, you can bitch and complain to your son about it, but I am NOT having this conversation with you!"
2. Your husband's depression seems to stem from the frustration of not having his career on track. While I can sympathize somewhat, all parents have to make career changes at some point in their lives to reach that balance between having a career and having a family. If he is having trouble getting into a certain field, he may have to seriously ask himself if that career path is truly for him. But only HE can make that final decision.
I would like to thank
I would like to thank everyone for their thoughts and for listening.
While I agree that he should
While I agree that he should be working *some*where, I disagree that there is always work in healthcare. A lot is who you know, and if you don't know the right people? You are SOL.
First, does your DH have full
First, does your DH have full legal and physical custody awarded in a CO? If so, he needs to nail BM's ass to the wall for CS and make sure that a set visitation schedule is in place and only allow BM time as defined in a CO.
As for your MIL .... if you are going to rely on her for financial contributions for the Skid then you will have to tolerate her bullshit opinions ......or you are going to have to smack her in the mouth (figuratively of course) and give her the clear message that she has not earned the right to give an opinion since you are the one who supports both her son and her grandson. Since you are the one supporting, feeding, housing DH and his spawn you can certainly tell MIL to STFU and inform her that her opinion will be spoken only when asked for and if she has a problem with that they can both move in with her.
Your DH needs to pull his head out of his ass, man up, and support his family. I get the frustration of career issues. Been there, and they never go away. They may get better, he may eventually be successful but even a stable successful career is not guaranteed to last forever. The hardest thing about getting a job, just like the hardest thing about grad school, is filling out the application. He may not get the dream career job he wants right now but he needs to work even if it is an entry level job.
All IMHO of course.
Good luck.