I don't see anything wrong with you saying what you felt, especially since the subject was already being talked about during dinner. This is a serious situation. An adult felon! You've already been through this. No point in sugar-coating your thoughts. You are not "making" your DH choose anything. To be upset with you for not wanting to do this again is utter ridiculousness.

K.C. you didn't do anything wrong.

"So I said flat out at the dinner table that I don't want him moving here. My bad. Not the time nor the place. Life is good and I want to keep it that way so I guess I snapped."

Everyone was already talking about it so, it was quite fine to state your opinions here. Especially since it was more than likely that the critter was going to be looking to come to your home. You have more a right to say something than MIL or BIL.

"He (your bio son) said he agrees with me that the situation won't work but that I should apologize to DH because nothing has happened yet and I basically freaked out which in turn caught him off guard and got him angry."

I call bullsh*t on your son's perception! First, I don't think you freaked out...you stated your opinion. Second, even if you had freaked out (snapped) you are very entitled to do so in this case. Third, your opinion is based on past experience. Yes, nothing has happened yet.....you are trying to keep it from happening by speaking out BEFORE the situation may happen. That's called being proactive. As for your husband being angry, he owns that, not you. He is angry because this is a horrible situation for you both and I suspect he feels guilty and resentful about you and him even having to be in this situation, but don't let him place that anger on you. It's not your fault his son has put you both in this situation. The son owns that and your husband owns his anger. You don't own ANY of it.

Keep your head up high and hold your ground. You live there, too, so you get a say in who comes to visit or live in your home. Period.

Hang in there, girl!

I can understand his family wanting to help SS. However, there is a fine line between "helping" and "enabling."

If your DH wants to help (hell, or MIL, for that matter), they can give him rides to the Job Service, to social services, to where ever. But within reason. No filling out apps for him, etc. This kid is old enough to learn how real life is. Otherwise, he will end up going back where he came from.

I agree that you should tell Daddy to channel his energy towards finding outside help for the boy. Neither of you or any other family members are qualified to rehab a drug user and someone fresh out of hard time prison. At least that's my assumption.

If Daddy refuses then tell him you or they will have to maintain a separate residence until the boy can live on his own. Tell Daddy you have to intention of keeping him from helping his son but likewise have no intention of living under the same roof with him. Tell him it may (will) be a strain on the family finances to maintain two households but hopefully it'll just be for a few months.

You did nothing wrong. I would have had the same reaction and have. SD18 is not allowed here. I will not waiver on that fact without some serious changes.

You have a right to not have a criminal in your home.

Boy I hope this all works out for you.
Most likely your DH and the BM really don't want to live with their criminal son either, but a parent is not likely to allow their child, adult or not to be homeless. The pressure from you is only going to take the focus off the SS and put it on you. It has the potential to totally backfire and invoke that parental protective instinct.
If I were you, I would not bring it up again now that you have made your feelings known. I would probably be researching available options for SS in the event BM won't let him stay. That way DH can feel like you are supporting him and he doesn't have to abandon his son. And all the negative attention can stay on SS where it belongs while his parents figure out a plan for him without feeling like he needs to be protected from you.
This is just my two cents of course. I freely admit that I am in the minority opinion that my kids come first always. If I felt like I should let my kid stay with me, grown or not, I wouldn't give a fuck what DH thought about it. But that's just me.
ETA- Re-reading this I guess I don't really mean that I wouldn't give a fuck what DH would think. I would hope my DH would be on board and I would try to convince him, but at the end of the day I would let my kid stay no matter how DH felt about it. So that's why I say I wouldn't give a fuck because I would still do it anyway.

pretty much indigent but that would have been different if he took the second chance the judge gave him which was rehab but he picked prison.

So, he made his choice (and a bad one, at that). There is no reason for you or your DH or anybody to feel bad about making him stand on his own.

I would also do as Yosemite said and research options for your SS and when he turns those down, that will be his choice again. No, it's not your responsibility but I would do it just to show that there ARE options.

Living with me would not be an option.

I agree that I wouldn't want him with us either! I'm not sure why everyone freaked out about you saying he's not coming to live with you and your DH. And that everyone keeps referring to SS as a kid. He's 24! He's an ADULT. I get he is just getting out of prison, but his choices put him there and if you aren't comfortable with him staying with you then he will just have to realize that aside from prison time being a consequence for his actions, so is getting out of prison and having NOTHING. Time to be an adult.

I have troublesome SS and am going through some hard things with him right now. I have to say, I keep thinking he'll be an adult in 4 yrs...after reading this, I'm wondering if I am foolishly thinking it will be over when they become adults. My feeling is if you aren't going to college...you are out on your own. Is this really not going to end?

Keep standing up for yourself! I think you did the right thing. He's an ADULT! I still can't stop thinking that this is not about a child BUT AN ADULT and is causing this much turmoil with DH's family.

good luck!

You did NOTHING wrong and I commend you for standing your ground. At 24, your SS is an adult and enabling will only keep him from taking his journey in life and learning the lessons he obviously needs to learn. I agree with another poster who said NOONE wants to see their child homeless, but sometimes it's necessary! My dh let his DS21 be homeless for a week in 2011 because he got kicked out of rehab. However, he DID go get him after ONE WEEK because OF COURSE his son said he'd stay clean, blah, blah, blah...3 years of this crap and FINALLY, dh "gets it" and I heard him tell his father just 2 days ago that he can no longer enable his son's bad behavior (drugs). He finished rehab last Fall and lived in a safe house until recently because they kicked him out due to drug use. It took dh THREE years to figure it out, but he finally did and I commend him. His son is living with friends at the moment, but could end up homeless again any time. I told dh last summer that I dreamed of moving out EVERY DAY because of his son and the enabling I saw going on. I told him I'd NEVER "go back" to that place again. He knew what I meant.

I can't imagine ANY parent continuing to enable a 24 year old felon. As another poster said once (and I have used this phrase as well) tell your dh that SS24 is a big boy now and he'll figure it out. I actually said that just recently because of course dh is horribly worried about his youngest. He's going downhill quickly again and it's killing dh. I have 4 DDs of my own and can't imagine having gone though what my dh has with 3 drug addict sons. 20+ years of this crap. My poor dh looks older than his 52 years. hmmmm Can't imagine why.