Hi Ladies,

This is going to be a long and interesting one. As you may know I have had a boyfriend for a few years with two kids. We had a great relationship......until things unraveled.....

In December 2013 I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I suddenly received a text at 3.30am in the morning after my pee (remember him and I don’t live together) saying,

Him: ‘When can we meet up?’
Me: ‘Huh? Are you awake?’
Him: ‘Always, sounds like you need sleep.’
Me: ‘I woke up to go pee, why are you up?’
Him: ‘Lol, another time.’
Me: ‘Huh? Another time?’
Him: ‘Sorry honey Im half asleep. But I’m up with the kids. I was thinking of you when I was asleep and still thinking of you.’
Me: ‘Who were you gonna meet up with, lol?’
Him: ‘You I thought’
Me: ‘Night’

I was BLINDSIDED......Immediately I said good night and went to bed with my mind racing (mistake #1). I was not sure how to react or what to say. Just the thought of him meeting someone else in the middle of the night threw me completely off kilter. I went to sleep didn’t speak to him (he texted a few times with ‘hi honey’ ‘how are you?’) That evening I confronted him and accused him of messaging someone else, he denied it till he was blue in the face and told me to walk (actually he said fuck off). I couldn’t believe he was ready to throw out everything, let me walk, all right before xmas. I was even moving in a couple weeks to move closer to him. He insisted that it was ME he was texting that night and there was nobody else and he wanted to see how I was. WTF.

Finally I (mistake #2) gave him an out and said, ‘OK fine you were texting me.’ My suspicions were on high alert. I went through his email and found a photo of a girl I never met, a pretty one . So a couple weeks later I casually asked, ‘Hey why don’t we go to that strip club we used to go to with our friends a couple years back?’ He says OK. We go and I see the girl in that exact photo I found in his email. She walked up to us and said hello. Immediately my stomach knotted up, I lost my breath and something in me told me he slept with her. He claimed that she been his friend for years (and why have I never met her?) and nothing ever happened between them. The entire time I was talking to her my gut kept telling me things I didn’t want to know. I have been to strip clubs (mistake #3...probably should be #1) with him and mutual friends and never felt the way I did that night.

Fast forward to April 2014 (mistake #4....should have ended it). Things between us have calmed but the relationship was on a completely different wavelength since that text in December. It was not the same at all between us. There was still that ‘elephant in the room’ and this constant niggling in the back of my head. He proposed to me a couple days after my birthday and I accepted (mistake #4). It wasn’t even a genuine proposal, I think he did it cause he felt it would fix the relationship. It was a very weird and forced proposal and acceptance. My heart even told me WTF are you doing.

During the month of April and May 2014 the following occurred:

-A girl from his high school (we will call her ‘A’) popped up around March 2014, they were best friends in high school (another one I never met). They started chatting and he confides our relationship issues with her. She texts him things like, ‘Hey I was thinking of you, miss our good times.’ Hey it could be innocent but at this point I just had no trust left and assumed it could be anything.

-Found a bunch of condoms in his truck, he claimed they were his uncle or cousins.

-We went to one of his friends bday parties (never met them) and they were shell shocked when they found out we were engaged. One girl was totally thrown off and said seriously you’re engaged???? ‘A’ popped up and said, ‘Yea he’s been hiding her.’

-‘A’ texts him that she would really like for him to go to their high school reunion this Friday. I checked his phone and saw that text, so I announced, ‘Honey why don’t you go to the reunion, I won’t be attending don’t feel like it.’

-His good male friend ‘B’ who regularly cheats on his wife (mistake #220.....naively letting them hang out unassumingly.....should have suspected bird of a feather flock together) texts him about the reunion and he says, ‘Sure thing buddy lets hang, also the wife doesn’t want to go so *thumbs up*’

Just last night I gave him back his ring and simply said it’s not gonna work. He didn’t seem angry or upset, but asked and wondered why. I just said, ‘It’s not going to work.’ He smirked and tried to accuse me of being with another guy, I told him ‘you know why it isn’t going to work. If not figure it out.’ So that was that. P.S. I’ve been tested already through my dr and results came back clear (thank god)

At the beginning when I first found out I probably felt the exact same things any wife would feel in finding out their husband/boyfriend was having an affair. My self esteem was on the floor and I cried and cried for weeks and months. I obsessed over every possible clue, playing detective, stopped working out, stopped dressing up for work, checking his phone and emails constantly, etc.

So I am sure he will be happily at his high school reunion with ‘A’ reminiscing about the good times. (he’s 37 and for some reason they hold this friggin reunion every YEAR....what high school does that????) I am questioning whether I made the right move. I feel very saddened about this but a small part of me feels relief. I am more saddened though, that it feels he never really valued me or the relationship. I was so close to his children. Even if we didn’t live together, I thought we had something.

As bad as it sounds, I am very happy to have experienced this even at age 31. Sometimes the most painful lessons are the best ones. It’s opened my eyes big time regarding men and relationships and marriages. Admittedly it has left a bitter taste in my mouth regarding all three, however I was prancing through this never thinking this would never happen to me.

I think at some point everyone needs to have a harsh lesson that humbles them and brings them down to size like everyone else and to realize they aren’t invincible. I’m sure I will be dealt a few more hard knocks over the next 40-50 years or however long I live.

Though I am sad, I am inspired. I developed a wonderful (though soon to end) relationship with his daughter. I do not have children but I want to adopt a little girl, about age 5-7. I really do. I feel it’s a calling of mine and I have this pull to want to bring up a girl and show her how to be strong and independent and to march to the beat of her own drum, and to never ever feel bad about herself. My mom is dead but I want to be that mom that inspires her daughter to reach for her dreams.

Anyways, I was very happy to be a part of this forum. I know the topic wasn’t step-related perse but this forum is full of intelligent wonderful women that tell it how it is and I loved reading the different topics and blogs and the responses to my topics (even the one where Echo and her bitch squad ganged up on me). I hope to continue to read and contribute and learn from here.

Lastly, infidelity is seemingly so rampant today that it's turned me off of marriage. Is this a phase I'm going through??