He never spoke to BM about her coming into my house
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I'm not stupid.. I can verify if he spoke to her by looking at his calls on the cell phone bill
He never called her nor did he text her.. AT ALL.
he did call the younger brat that let her in..
And he told me that he spoke to everyone about it and she was there so he got to talk to everyone at the same time. Including the x.
Hmm phone records show he did not.
"She flipped a shit, and he
"She flipped a shit, and he now blames me for some of the hostility between them, but I'm ok with that. I don't think it's my fault, I'm just the easiest one to blame."
This would really bother me. All you did is end your DH's actions that allowed BM to get a hit of emotional engagement from him. The only adult woman that he should be emotionally engaging with (aside from family members) is you. And if ending that connection is a problem for her - a person who no longer has a relationship with DH - then so what?
Why does DH care about her feelings? They are Not His Problem anymore, no matter how much BM insists that they are.
And I agree that he's projecting his anger and helplessness onto you, rather than the person who deserves it - BM. If he's mad at her inability to act like a cordial divorced adult who is only in the business of raising the skids with DH, how is that your problem?
FYI - I'm reacting because I
FYI - I'm reacting because I can relate to this. I've got a really similar situation, with a low conflict SO and a high-functioning BPD ex-wife who had him conditioned to meet her needs above all else and called it "being a good father." SO had no concept of boundaries; he didn't even know what they were. He had spent years avoiding her ire and defending her ridiculousness to other people.
He also thought they had an "amicable co-parenting relationship" when I met him. HA! Meanwhile I'm watching her send him pages of abusive texts and calling him in a panic to intervene due to her inability to parent and stand on her own two feet.
It's so hard. So hard.
I try to pick my battles, and sometimes I just choose to allow enough rope for BM to hang herself in SO's eyes.
And I feel like I'm in a no win situation. I stay out of the communication about the skids, and trust my SO to do the right thing. Only to find out that he's totally forgotten about the concept of boundaries, slipped back into avoidance and denial mode, and has allowed her emotional engagement in some fashion, or allowed her to (proverbally) pee on him to mark her territory. And then he normalizes the behavior, and argues with me when I find out what's going on as if I am trying to interfere with his "parenting".
Or I can police him and every communication, but I have no desire to do this.
We went to counseling, and hearing that there is something seriously wrong with his ex-wife (as evidenced by her behavior) from a third party was monumental. Still, it's a struggle.
My DH used to say that same
My DH used to say that same BS line about "I don't care about her feelings, I just hate conflict"…you know what? While it might have been TRUE he didn't care about HER feelings, it was ALSO true he didn't care about MINE! So, with that, really listen. I am fed up. I heard it all. He would rather keep the peace with her with that BS line than take MY feelings into account…all so he could have some peace? Fuck them.
Duplicate post
Duplicate post
HAHAHAH I look at my SO's
HAHAHAH I look at my SO's incoming/outgoing texts and calls too. Records don't lie but people do! What are you going to do? I think you should print out the phone records, ask him in his face did you call BM? Give him a chance to come clean, if he lies show him the phone records and be like BAM LIAR!
duplicate-sorry
duplicate-sorry
I went through something
I went through something similar.
Your issue is clearly with DH, not the SSs, nor BM. DH is lacking in boundaries and would rather be passive with BM and the skids as a way to "keep the peace" instead of standing up for what is right. From what you know about his relationship with BM, I am guessing that this has been his coping mechanism for years. Better to ignore than stand up for himself.
The moment he moved on into a new partnership, your needs - especially in your household - trump BMs, always.
BM is a stranger to you. He may feel that having her walk into a residence in which he and the boys reside is normal, but your residence has two adult household members and it is not at all normal to you. When you moved into the residence, you agreed to share the space with DH and the boys. Those are the ONLY other residents of the house who should be entering without explicit adult approval.
And so now you need to set a boundary with DH about what you will put up with: "DH, I asked you to respect my right to privacy in my own home by speaking with BM about not entering our home. I asked you to speak to the SSs about not inviting BM in. You did neither, and, as a result, a stranger to me was allowed to enter my home, my sanctuary, and that is a big deal to me. Ask yourself: am I your wife or is BM your wife? Because in my world, a husband should be meeting his wife's needs, and I have a need to privacy in my own home. If you cannot do this simple request to meet my extremely reasonable need, then our relationship is in serious trouble. You either act on it, with proof that you can show to me, or you don't. And if you don't, you are making a statement through your inaction about where I fall on your list of priorities and that is all the information that I need to make decisions about our future together or lack thereof."
Speaking to him about it in this way makes it clear that this is YOUR boundary. Rather than ordering him around, you are informing him your expectations for your relationship.
I've done exactly that. We
I've done exactly that. We have had many discussions about it. Calm, rational discussions. I have let him know how his inability to set boundaries is going to jeopardize our relationship. I've let him know there is one person too many in our relationship . Hes said he's addressed it and will make sure it doesn't affect our relationship . I've had no proof whatsoever.And what iI have proof of recently is that she entered our home and he has yet to speak to her about it. I have yet to answer my phone since last night. I'm trying to wrap my head around what I'm to say to him when we talk next.
It might be that this isn't working out at all. His loyalty will always be towards his x.. As beautiful as she is.. He can have her back..
Okay. If you feel like
Okay. If you feel like you've talked yourself blue in the face over this, it's time to change strategy.
Your choices are:
1) Stand up for yourself now. He'll try to tell you that you are overreacting, and he will miminize your concerns as "no big deal."
2) Continue throwing words at him despite his lack of action. What's that Einstein quote about the definition of insanity, again?
Honestly, he probably doesn't think you're serious and you will back down in order to keep your relationship with him. Show him that he is wrong, and that you are fully aware that you can find much better than a man who allows his ex-wife to enter his marital residence against his wife's wishes.
I think this is your only hope of him taking you seriously.
That is a sad realization but
That is a sad realization but I believe it's true. He feels loyalty or maybe still has feelings for her. But something is there that is preventing him from moving on.
If I had to guess, I'd say
If I had to guess, I'd say about 85% of men nowadays would much rather give into the BM/skids then turn around and take their frustrations out on SM, blaming her. Even the CUSTODIAL biodads!!
I agree thinkthrice because
I agree thinkthrice because they are so conditioned to doing it just to keep the peace. Then they get in relationships where the new wife or GF sees it as being disloyal to them and they don't know how to handle it. Most of the time the dust clears and they realize it's their wife or GF who they should be loyal too not the ex.
Younger Brat could have
Younger Brat could have handed his phone to Mom on the spot. But you've discovered the basic character of this guy and found it wanting. Time to stop yapping and move on - this relationship isn't going to work.
It is a big deal to you and I
It is a big deal to you and I for one can understand how some people feel that way. It's a valid feeling to have your space invaded. Its also obvious that he doesn't think so which is why I have twice said to give up the relationship. This incident is just a example of his feelings, which aren't going to change, and there will be future situations where you'll obviously be a second class citizen.
You can choose to live this life or find another because he's never going to get it. He may do something to keep the peace but he still won't get it.
I think the important thing
I think the important thing is that he knows to not EVER, EVER let her cross the threshold into YOUR HOME again. Honestly, I do think you're making a big deal out of him "talking to her about it". I used to do the same thing until I realized that BM was getting SATISFACTION over causing issues in our life. So, I stopped letting it get to me. He knows that I'll go NUTS if she is ever in our home again. I don't need to freak out about it happening once in the past.
Yes.. It may seem like I'm
Yes.. It may seem like I'm making a big deal about it.. Perhaps.. He lies to me by saying he has these conversations with her that never happen. And when these incidents keep happening over and over again yes Iknow iI'm an idiot for putting up with it. But I lose my shit because I just don't get why I have to keep having these issues. Especially when he confirms that it will never happen again.. And it does.. Hard to remain cool.
If memory serves, this is the
If memory serves, this is the BM that goes on camping trips or vacations with you and your BF, and the kids?
Yeah, this woman believes there are no boundaries, why would she?
Perhaps a framed copy of the divorce decree on your wall will serve as a reminder to them both.
If I new where his decree is
If I new where his decree is I would do that! Awesome idea!!
It is understood that the BM
It is understood that the BM is never allowed in my home. She is never to be allowed at family functions.