So DH and I had counseling yesterday. Not good...it was worse than last week. She asked if there was anything we wanted to start with, that we felt needed to be discussed...I remained silent, thinking "go ahead DH...you start...tell us if you have concerns about anything". Nope. She looked at me, I looked at him, said "nothing? You don't think there's anything to address? Okay, I'd like to address that per our last session, I agreed to SS coming back with stipulations set. DH did hold the meeting as you advised and did run it all on his own. The points we came up with her with you were stated explained to SS14. That was Sunday evening....it is now Thursday afternoon and SS14 has done NOTHING but walk around like all is well and fine and nothing ever happened. This makes me upset, makes DD12 upset and is making resentment grown towards DH because he is not following through with SS14".

This caused a heated discussion...DH says how have I not followed through? I did what I was supposed to. Yes you did...on Sunday...since then SS14 has not done what he was supposed to do.
DH-Well when was he supposed to? No ones been home! We have had all kinds of things going on!
Me- ummm well Sunday night you and I were there (an apology is supposed to come to us). DD12 was there Monday since 11:00 until Tuesday at 1:40 when I left and took her to the camp. She has been gone now since 4:30 yesterday for visitation with her father.
DH- yeah you left without taking anyone else with you!
Me- yes I did. Because neither SSs had bothered to come downstairs and interact with anyone. SS14 came and hovered for a bit , as if he was waiting for me to take his breakfast order at 11:00. I did not. And will not. All but DS7 is capable of making their own breakfast. And then he walked out of the house and left at 12:30 without telling anyone he was leaving, apparently now at 14 after this mess he caused, he can come and go as he pleases without asking but without even INFORMING an adult what he is doing. Even if he had been there...I would not have taken him...because he has DONE NOTHING AND MADE NO EFFORTS TO DO SO. ss12 didn't go, because he hadn't even bothered to come down stairs by 1:40 in the afternoon and had mumbled a total of two sentences to me...a mumbled idk when asked if he was going to get out of bed and get dressed today at 12:30 and a I have to use the bathroom when I was in their cleaning it. I'm not chasing 12 &14 yr kids kids around and I will not force or seek out for them to interact with me. If they want to be a part of my family then I needed to be treated as more than just a random person in the house they live in

Counselor agreed that I was being appropriate. DH didn't like that much. DH says everything is not okay and I am not acting like that! I said well SS14 is walking around doing whatever he wants...you are walking around like he has done nothing. DH- I have talked to him every single day! I have been discussing with him every day what he is supposed to do and encouraging him to do it! Well if you have been,you have not communicated that to me. You have not communicated anything to me other than the perception that all is well. I only can know what I am told and what I see, experience...and that is that he and you act like nothing ever happened.

DH says "he was going to apologize to DD12 when he got him in Tuesday but she wasn't there!" I said oh on Tuesday after he left the house without telling anyone? And because DD12 wasn't there because it was a beautiful day, and I wanted to go the the camp and so did she? Is life supposed to stop and no one can go or do anything because we need to be on standby for IF SS14 decides he has the urge to do what he is supposed to? DH responds "you have made a hostile environment so he's uncomfortable! You have barely spoken to him. Or acted like he is even there! How is he supposed to feel comfortable when you make it feel like he isn't wanted." My response was....oh so now this is MY fault that he hasn't apologized because he's uncomfortable? Because I am not promoting a sunshine and rainbows with skittles falling from the sky environment so dear SS14 can feel comfortable when facing something he did? I should be sure to make sure he feels comfortable when he has made while mess of tension and uncomfortableness in MY home.? Again...counselor agreed with me...life doesn't stand still based on SS14's whims. And that no I don't have to make it sunshine and lollipops at my home for SS14. And that facing something you did that was wrong is always uncomfortable...otherwise what you did wouldn't have been wrong (hmmmm heard that before DH?)

DH starts about howSS14 is wrong and he is sorry he's just having a hard time and blah blah blah. So counselor asks me how I feel about that and what do I have to say in response. My response...I looked right at DH and said, "you have been saying SS14 feels terrible and is so sorry for all the damage and hurt he has caused...before it was he can't start making it better if he isn't around the people he needs to make it better to. That we needed to be open to his efforts....well I have two questions for you...WHAT is it I (or DD12) need to be OPEN to because I haven't seen any EFFORT so if there has been please tell me what that is? And second...you say you know he's very very sorry and he feels just awful...so tell me, what has SS14 said or done to yu that has portrayed that he is sooooo sorry and feels sooooo terrible? What has he said or done to make you say that's how he feels? Or do you just not want to accept that maybe he's just a little jerk and he actually isn't sorry and even though you know he should be he isn't and you have to accept that reality?" Counselor says that is very good hanging...DH would you answer that? Maybe that will help hanging see he is sorry. How has SS14 portrayed his remorse to you? DH got very upset and said ," I'm doing it wrong again!" And on and on about how I don't want to see SS14, and DH is just stupid I guess because he sees something else etc etc. I said, "excuse me, I don't believe any where in what I said to you did I say you were wrong or stupid. I simply asked a question. What has SS14 done or said to portray to YOU that he is remorseful and wants to make things better? Because he has done nothing that I have been witness to. Just answer the question. At this point DH gets up in a huff and says forget it I'm done we are getting nowhere! And walks out, slamming the door. Counselor looks at me, and I said and this is the type of anger and frustration that gets directed at me because of actions of SS14 every time the kids doesn't something. Every time. So this is why there is a wedge between DH and I, this is why I say I'm always the bad guy. This anger and shitty attitude comes out only when dealing with three things...SS14...MIL...and BM. And they are majority of the time intertwined. Counselor said she had talked to DH about coming to see her individually about his anger issues. I said well considering he just walked out I dont know that we'll see him again. DH did come back and she asked to talk to him alone for a few minutes and then she asked if we could all continue together. She gave us the "floor"'thing...the piece of carpet to hand back and forth and if you have the carpet you get to speak without being interrupted. She told us to take it with us. I told her it's not really necessary because we don't talk at home. We leave here and DH never brings it up again until the following week when we show back up in here. I don't bring it up, because I have enough stress and tension to deal with....I don't need to argue more. I told her, I am deeply hurt by both SS14 and DH's behavior. That I'm angry with both of them, for SS and his lies and for DH and his lack of support and attacks on me, trying to give an excuse of why things are or aren't not happening because I'm the bad guy. And I'm disappointed in my SS for being able to treat people who loved him So dearly and deeply like this, and disappointed in DH for not standing by his wife and not being a husband and parent.

We had seperate vehicles (thank goodness!) I stopped at home, walked in, walked out and headed to get some time in a tanning bed to relax and my haircut. SS14 pulled another stunt of not being where he was supposed to be and DH had a convo with him upstairs (and because MIL got involved and was bitching at DH about the way SS14 is being treated....stay the f@ck out of it!) DH and SS14 then had a two hour convo in the garage...then SS went back upstairs to hide...DH says DD12 is home. Yeah she has been since 7. DH goes back upstairs to talk to SS. After ten minutes it's back out to the garage for another hour long convo. Then DH comes and asks DD12 to come outside with him. Apparently SS14 delivered a teary apology (mind you this is after about a total of three and a half hours of convo and prodding by DH). Dd12 comes in teary with DH. She sits on my lap and hugs me. I asked her if she was ok. She said yes but I wish you would have been there with me. I said counselor said SS wouldn't be able to do it with me there, I'm sorry. But he at least faced you. And you are string and brave for facing someone who wronged you. It doesn't mean everything is all better and if you are still mad and hurt that is okay....it is going to take a lot of time and that doesn't make you a bad person. But at least you got the acknowledgment that you were wronged. That YOU didn't do anything wrong and thatYOU were the one who needed to be acknowledged. Take that and let it help you to feel string and brave and know that you are not going to take being hurt by people. And mom always has your back. Mom will never allow someone to hurt you and get away with it.

DH and I haven't talked more than six sentences since the counseling session. I took a hot shower last night (shed a few tears) and went to bed. DH was in the couch and stayed there for the night. No one told him to, that's where he stayed. Fine with me! Sleep there forever for all I care...or until life here is too miserable for you and your darlings that cause problems and you either put your foot down and be a parent, or move elsewhere!

Okay vent over. I feel better.