As I wrote in my last update, I had a very clear and concise discussion with DH regarding his behavior and attitude towards ME. Since then, I will say he has been better...but we also don't have his boys this week and that is usually when things are calm and peaceful anyway...no brats to cause issues, and MIL is too busy keeping up with the boys and BM since that's where they are this week.

I have been thinking a lot about our relationship, marriage and family. How things aren't what we thought they would be, there has been damage (both by SS and DH)and I really don't believe SS will change at all with the continued influence of BM and MIL. So I have some things I want to bring up in counseling and shift the course the counseling has been going. I'm wondering if any of you out there have opinions or your own experiences with these situations and what you think about them. I will state, I really do not want to hear to get divorced as although I have divorced once (due to rampant infidelity and financial issues caused due to those behaviors) I never intended to divorce and I do think that marriage is hard work, it's not a fairy tale and should be worked on rather than "let's just get the papers and be done" So please, some helpful and constructive opinions and thoughts would be appreciated.

First, there are not clear boundaries in our marriage and there needs to be. I feel that DH needs to address the meddling by his mother directly with her, lay down the guidelines, and enforce them. MIL called or received calls from SS12's phone FIFTEEN just on Friday alone...this is usually on S14's phone but since his is gone, SS14 and MIL are utilizing SS12's phone (until I stopped it on Saturday)I think DH needs to say the following to MIL:
1.- SS14 is MY son and I will discipline him as necessary. It is not your place to comment on discipline to SS14 to SS, myself, or my wife, or BM.
2.- SS14 is a child, he is your grandson, he is NOT your confidante, BFF, or shoulder to cry/lean on. Adult situations are NOT to be discussed with my son. My son does not and should not need to know about any tension or situations between you and I, or you and my wife. You are not to discuss my wife with my son. You are grandma. Period.
3.- Although I understand you may want to speak to my son, the number of times you are calling him is over the top. He is 14 and needs to be 14. Your relationship with him is not healthy...for either of you. One phone call a day or even every other is acceptable. You are not to call him to check on how he is doing and if he is in trouble or if he has bitches to voice about his SM or me to you. If that's what he is doing, your response is to be, "you need to discuss this with your father"
4.- hanging is my wife. I do not want to listen to you bad mouth her. I do not want to hear your opinion of her. The two of you have issues, that is between the two of you. If you want a relationship with me and my sons, you will respect my marriage and my wife. You do not need to be best friends, but you will be cordial and polite to her. And she will do the same to you (side note: I have...I just don't engage her regularly which results in the comments to DH that your wife hates me, and to SS)
5.- As I mentioned, hanging is my wife, not BM. Anything that has to do with MY life with hanging and our family is not for you to relay to BM. After everything that woman has done to me, your son, and my sons I don't appreciate you having any relationship with her, but that's your choice, just leave me and my life and family out of it.

Second, as for BM, although things have simmered down with her since the letter that she is to have no contact with me, and all communication is to be via text I want to DH to assert to her (and file the necessary paperwork if needed....which it will be) that she is to uphold her responsibility to the skids. Her half of extra curriculars, or they won't play. Her child support. Her responsibility for transport of skids. And to address the parental alienation BM is feeding skids about DH and myself. This all will require a mediation request with the FOC but he needs to do it.

Third, an understanding needs to come between DH and I that I will not be held responsible for skids and their behavior. I will not be responsible for taking skids anywhere unless I offer to do so. I will not be responsible for them as long as they continue to treat me as a non person in the home. DH needs to explain this to skids and inform them that they are to respect our home and his wife.

Fourth, and this is a big one and will probably cause some tension between DH and I...I want to separate our checking acct. I would like to keep the joint one, and we each put half of the monthly expenses for our household (mortgage, vehicle pmt, insurance, utilities, food) in that account and the extra we have goes into separate accounts. We can each spend the excess money we have however we so choose without the other having any issues about it. I feel this is best since we have five kids and my skids expect and want everything and I'm often the bad guy for saying no. I make more money than my DH and I get a good amount of child support for my kids. He lets his ex off the hook easily and I am tired of footing her bill. I know this has so many viewpoints and I would like to hear how others have handled it and what has or has not worked for you. Keep in mind we have primary custody of both sets of kids, so we are the majority household for all five.