His Ex and the Holidays
:?
We have been together 3 years. We both have adult children. He has two a 24 year old girl and a 27 year old boy. His ex wife let him over 7 years ago when she came out as a lesbian.
The issue is that his kids expect his ex, her girlfriend and myself to spend every Christmas together. So far, we have spent it apart as he spends it with his kids, his ex and her girlfriend. I have spent it with my kids. For the last three years he has promised it would be the last time. Finally he admitted that the only way his kids will like me, or spend time with him, is if we spend every holiday all together. They are not even willing to do every other year.
I am ready to leave. I feel my wants and what is best for my kids is being ignored. I don't mind being a team player and doing his family things every other year, but they won't consider it. But I am tired of spending the holidays apart and I am feeling very resentful towards both him and his kids. Its killing our relationship.
Help?
I don't spend any time with
I don't spend any time with my ex at all. My kids are awesome about working out a holiday schedule that validates both sides of the family.
His kids, who are older than mine, don't care about the impact of their demands on my kids or myself. Since he has left me each year to be with them and his ex, I have felt devalued and lied to. I think this is what is going to break us up.
Who cares if his kids like
Who cares if his kids like you? These are GROWNUPS (supposedly). It's obvious they don't care what you think or feel because what they want is important, and what you want is not. And why is your DH allowing them to say who he does and does not spend his holiday with? Another balless wonder we have here, ladies and gentlemen.
If my DH chose his adult kids (and his EX) over me for every (heck, for ANY) holiday, I'd be finding other holiday options, and likely other life options. Completely unacceptable.
My ex DH always wanted his
My ex DH always wanted his kids and my kids to spend holidays together (ya know one big happpy family). My kids did it once (they are both grown, married and on their own) and then my kids said "never again". They had nothing in common with his kids and as they said "his kids never shut up" (I had no argument for that because it's true but of course my DH would sit and listen to his kids talk all starry-eyed,ugh).
So I told my DH that we needed to have separate holidays...........yeh, he was not a fan of that but I didn't care and if that was part of the reason we got divorced, so be it. I am not going to sacrifice having fun holidays with my kids for him and his kids. In fact, my kids and I ALWAYS had to schedule our holidays around when he had his kids (that's a whole nother story).
Didn't mean to steal your blog but you have to decide whether this is a hill to die on or not. It was for me.
Why do his kids feel so entitled to dictate holidays????? Sounds like emotional blackmail to me.............hmmmmmm no wonder why you and your kids don't want to spend your holidays with people like that, go figure.
The biggest reason they do it
The biggest reason they do it the way they have is because of scheduling. The kids live in different locations, their mom lives elsewhere and he does too. They both have significant others. It is easier for them to all get together for a few days and then go and do different things with their other family members.
If we do it their way, I am away from my kids, (which I am willing to do every other year). But if we host at our house his kids insist that mom is invited the whole time or they won't come. Frankly, I don't like her enough to want to be with her more than every other year. And I don't think I should have to put his kids and his ex's needs over my kids every year. I get scheduling is tight, but that is real life.
" if we host at our house his
" if we host at our house his kids insist that mom is invited the whole time or they won't come."
Oh gosh, kids, I guess we won't be seeing you then
What a couple of selfish brats who believe even in adulthood that life is all about them. Pfft.
I think I'd consider a somewhere in the middle compromise. Perhaps select one weekend somewhere between the week before Thanksgiving and New Years and invite his children for the weekend. They can come and go throughout the weekend to see friends/other relatives and you and Dad can have one nice dinner feast with them and causal visiting with them on the remaining time. BM can even book herself into a hotel nearby and his kids can visit with her (away from you/Dad and your home). Dad/you have no need or reason to be spending time with BM, but if BM insist she included in something her kids are doing, she can park her buns at a hotel and the kids can run back and forth. BM and her partner can spend a bit of time with the adult kids and the rest of the time the two of them can have a nice relaxing get-away entertaining themselves and/or visiting old friends/family of hers. Or BM can stay in her area and pout Dad is having a weekend with his kids and she's not involved at all. Her choice.
You can invite your own children to the family feast (which does not include BM in any way) and your kids can attend or not. Your kids choice in whatever they're comfortable doing or are time available. Your kids may want to come to socialize and be friendly or not. Don't pressure them into coming if they have no desire to spend time with DH's kids. On the actual holidays this frees the adult kids of his to go to their BM's without feeling they had to choose between parents and it frees you and DH on the actual holidays together. You can invite your own kids over for the actual holiday days or not and/or be free to do whatever your side of the family has planned on the actual holiday.
You've already offered alternating the years and DH/kids blew that off. I suppose he wants to see his kids every holiday season which is pretty normal of one with children. So he does get to see and host his brats every year, he just wouldn't do it on the actual holiday day. The guy can't have his cake and eat it too. When he married you he gave up to right to only think of himself or to only take his kids/family into consideration. Why should you give up your kids/family every year and on every actual holiday day just so his kids will spend time with him during the season? Why would they think you'd want to spend the day with BM and/or why would they think you'd rather see them than your own children? Their attitude seems to be 'it's all about me me me and if you want to see Daddy on the holiday you dump your own kids and come play family with my Mom and us'. Bullsh*t to that noise.
My DH's ex also came out as
My DH's ex also came out as lesbian after their marriage fell apart ( big surprise that it did) and she went psycho when we got married, but god in heaven, as least this form of insanity is alien to us - i guess there are benefits to the hate that eats her alive: no matter how much she tries to hurt DH one big happy family holiday was never on the table.
I feel for you. Your DH needs to brace himself for holidays without his kids or for a life without his wife. I would not spend holidays apart from my husband. If not compromise is possible, I would calmly let the skids know that you are entertaining at your house between the hours of ... and ... and if they show up they are more than welcome to join in the festivities, and if not - too bad. What is it with all these fearful men allowing their grown offspring to string them along and dictate the terms?
Another thought: can you talk to BM's GF and see if she is also against this arrangement?
Can't imagine her liking it much either...
BM cried and cried when he
BM cried and cried when he flew home and spend Christmas Day with me. He spent the week before with them. BM's GF does not have kids and is free to follow BM around. They actually do want me to spend the holidays with them all. They just forget that I have kids and it never occurs to any of them that I don't want to spend more than every other year with them.
No, just no. Im 24, my
No, just no. Im 24, my parents are split, they split when I was what 4? But there is no way in hell I would ever ask or expect them to be at the same place/event on an annual basis.
The only occassions where it is reasonable to expect your split parents to all be present and civil with new partners etc is at weddings, funerals, christenings and new births.
When it comes to regular/annual events, no, theres 365 days in the year, you make a day for one side a day for the other.
This would be a complete deal breaker for me and frankly if your partner doesnt seem anything wrong with it then he really needs a readjustment in his head.
His ex is his past, you are his present and if he loves you he will want to make your time as his future as well.
Who gives a shit if his kids
Who gives a shit if his kids like you? If they are giving terms and your DH is not jerking a knot in their tails about how that will not be tolerated by him then his spawn are not worth any consideration from you and frankly neither is he.
My bride and I mix it up for the holidays. If we spend it with family we usually are with my family. My bride, the SKid and I usually go to my parents or they come to us. About every fifth holiday season or so we go to my ILs. Intermittently my bride and I spend the holidays just the two of us together or on a couples trip with friends. If her family, mine, or the kid attempted to put stipulations on the holidays and engaging with my bride, or with me, the unified answer from both of us would be to laugh in their faces.
Time for DH to grab a handful of testicles and inform his spawn that you are his mate and they have a choice. .... pull their heads out of their asses and be polite and reasonable .... or FUCK OFF!!!!
IMHO of course.
That said, my wife has a long history of getting a bit depressed and morose during the holidays if we are not with her family yet when I push a IL visit for the holidays she balks. She loves her family but their never ending stupid financial decisions and constant state of financial destitution just makes my bride feel guilty for our success. So, she feels bad if we are with her family and she feels guilty if we aren't. So, we tend to go with the lesser of the issues which is to keep the holidays with my ILs few and far between. Dealing with the guilt of missing her family seems much easier for my bride to work through than the tense drama when we are there and the weeks of post visit depression that follows an IL holiday.
"Its killing our
"Its killing our relationship." Your DH needs to know what is needed for a 'marriage' relationship. He is treating you as if you and your children are not as worthy of spending the holidays with as his ex and SKs are. If he can not at least meet you half way with an alternate holiday plan, HE is not worthy of you. I'm with some of the other posters - if my DH wanted to spend every Christmas with the SKs and the ex, I would give him the choice of acting like a husband or spending the rest of his life with them.