DD had surgery yesterday, DH did not show up.
(DH= live in bf. Easier to write in heading.) Been together 1.5 years. He and I have not been on speaking terms the last week or so because his best friend is a broom and rug, and everything of importance belongs there. He just waits for me to "get over things" rather than to deal with any of it, so I have put my foot down. I have wrote him a handwritten note, and a few days later, an email, both ignored so I finally stopped talking to him.
Well, DD15 had surgery yesterday, has been booked for weeks. He had not mentioned or asked anything about it until yesterday at 10am saying that he would like to be there, it was about her, not us. I replied and said "I never said you couldn't be there, you have not said anything to me. " From there, I sent him the address and he already knew we had to be there at 11:30. He asked to let him know the exact time of the surgery. So I get there, take a picture of the exact info that was given to me: surgery time, length of surgery, recovery time. He had every single piece of information. I text him when they took her back for surgery. (therefore he knew in 1hr 10 min she would be out) So she and I had to hear all the risks involved, etc, without him there. We have no family here and her bio dad is not really a part of her life. DH told DD he would be there. So, and hour later, surgeon comes out, tells me she is done, shows me pics of surgery, how it went, protocol after, gives me xrays, scripts etc. After he was done talking to me, I had a text that was sitting there for 10 min from DH asking if she was out. I said yes, and that at that point, I didn't see any reason for him to show up for her discharge when he missed all of the important things that we could have needed him there for....helping her to relax, absorbing the information...etc. He said I told you to tell me when she was done and I would come and talk to the doctore with you. I was like -- what was I supposed to do when the surgeon comes out, say HOLD ON, let me text my BF so he can rush here and listen. (WTF) He finally says he can be there in 30 min, she was being released in 20. I never once told him that he could not come. I go to get her from recovery and she said I thought he was supposed to be here? I said, I am sorry, he is still at work. Her chin trembles and said he promised he would be there, that she is tired of being let down. He blames me for him not being there because I told him I didn't see a point in him showing up last minute as she gets into the car. I also told him he had every bit of the information ALL DAY and he chose to stay at work. (He job is flexible and work always comes before family)
I don't know where to go from here. He is the only father figure she really has. He hasn't even talked to her about this or apologized.
"he is not likely going to
"he is not likely going to regard your 15YO as his own"
THAT'S what you think the problem is?
ETA: Fascinating, it seems everyone else does too!!
The problem is lack of character. This guy had the info and chose what to do with it. Now, OP, you know what kind of guy he is. The kind that asks you to 'help' him so he can be there for you, etc etc... and blames you when he doesn't keep his word.
Her dad signed his rights
Her dad signed his rights over to her about 5 years ago. He still sees her every now and then when I drive back home, but aside from that, their relationships is obsolete. I never told her that he would be there, he did. He sent her a text telling her.
And you guys are right, keeping him around is only teaching her that we can be walked on.
I really appreciate those
I really appreciate those words. He has his kids this weekend and it is going to be very difficult.
Everyday your relationship
Everyday your relationship teaches your daughter that "love" is a man who is unavailable, emotionally distant, and abusive through neglect. She will mirror this, as it is her example that you are giving her.
You could choose to change that.
He showed you and your
He showed you and your daughter who he is. Believe him. In the future, don't let your child be dependent on a man you are dating as a father figure. That is on you. My BS20 has no dad, his is deceased. I have been with DH for 10 years and married for 5 and would not expect him to be there. He can be if he wanted, but not expected. You need to help her understand her expectations of his role. He is your BF right now, not her dad.
I hope your daughter makes a
I hope your daughter makes a speedy recovery.
Yes it was wrong of your BF to promise he would be there and then not turn up. Having said that as an outsider I would say that after dating someone for 1.5 years and rushing into living together and using him as a substitute father is wrong on so many levels. Even if your ex did sign away his parental rights this does not mean that this dad vacancy needs filling ASAP. Your daughter is a teenager and there is no way this man will see her as "his little girl" the best you can hope for is a cordial relationship between them which may eventually turn into her viewing him as an adult in her life she respects and admires.
You cannot re-write history because her bio dad is a douche bag.I did not move in with my DH until we had been dating for 3 years and I knew an engagement was on the near horizon. I wouldn't dream of attending a hospital appointment with my DH & SS even now 6 years on because I am not the parent and it's not my place to be there.
I hope this incident helps you to gain some clarity on the relationship and the vastly different expectations that you and your BF have of each other.
OP. Maybe the others are
OP. Maybe the others are right and you shouldn't be upset with him because he wasn't there for your daughter BUT.... If he loved you, he would have been there for YOU. He lives with you,of course you relationship is a more than a dating relationship. I'm sure you were very concerned about your daughter and could have used your partner's support during that time.
The point is, no matter what you guys are arguing about, that should have been put aside so he could be there for you for such a major event. Let him go. He is never going to be there for you for the important stuff.
Sorry about your daughter's
Sorry about your daughter's surgery and trauma and being alone for that. Well, she had you, her mother, which should be enough for her so you did well with that.
But, honestly, I find it odd that a fifteen year old girl would be so attached to a man she's only known 1.5 years. That is, assuming she met him at the same time you did instead of somewhat later after you became a couple and knew you were serious. At 13 1/2 she knew perfectly well this man was not her father. From what you've described he has not been the Captain Daddy type in tights and a cape. So why is this child so attached to and reliant on her mother's sort-of-new boyfriend? This may be hard to hear but I suspect it's because you've been loading the girl up with expectations and encouraging more emotional involvement on her end than either the situation warrants or is generally healthy anyway.
Going forward, I would recommend you remind yourself from time to time that you are, in fact, the girl's only parent and that's ok, it happens to millions of other kids. Remind yourself it's your job to comfort her, provide for her, and guide her and it is not anyone else's job. It is also your job to protect to her. So don't set her up for an emotional roller coaster with wobbly rails by encouraging her to latch on to every guy you date as if her life depended on it. Keep good boundaries between your adult life and her adolescent life. If you get a great partner and get married and have a stable long term life with someone, it would be great if she became fond of the guy and they developed their own relationship. But a boyfriend of a year and a half should not be imprinted so deeply on the heart of a child who is that old.
My 2 cents. I know you meant well and I hope I'm not too harsh here but I do feel the girl was set up for a sense of loss and abandonment that she had no business having to go through.
yet another reason for him to
yet another reason for him to be an ex. you may be used to him letting you down, but not your daughter. be glad you found out after only 1.5 years that he's like this and not 15. I don't care how long you've been together, he promised you and your dd that he'd be there and he wasn't. not a man of honor, but i'm sure this wasn't the first time you've suspected. NEXT.
Yes all you guys are
Yes all you guys are perfectly right, and not too harsh. He calls her his daughter all the time, that he loves her etc. But it was wrong of me as well. I do see it now for sure. Even more so after reading your comments. I suppose we both latched on since we have no family around, and limited friends.
I asked him to move out over lunch, he said yes ma'am. The life we are living is not a healthy one, not like this. Yes, we both met him at the same time, we were neighbors, literally-- knock knock-- at an apartment complex. Over time, we ended up together.
It's hard, and it hurts.
That he didn't put up much a
That he didn't put up much a fight speaks volumes. It does hurt. I'll give you a yes, ma'am on that for sure. Spoil your post-surgical daughter today...then soak yourself in a hot bath with lots bubbles and whatever other comforts you enjoy and pamper your own broken heart for awhile. Tomorrow is another day, Scarlett.
It sounds like you have
It sounds like you have learned a valuable lesson. Unfortunately, my kids have a father like this, so I know the disappointment. Except, my kids no longer get upset. It is what it is, and when he doesn't show up they are no longer surprised.
I would suggest finding a hobby or class you can take where you might meet more people and make friends. Church is always great, but not if you aren't into it. You will be less likely to latch onto a guy when your life is already filled with great people you want to spend time with. And don't be afraid to be honest with your daughter about the mistake you made. Apologize to her and tell her what's right and what's wrong. She will respect your honesty and be more likely to listen.
Good luck and best wishes to your daughter for a full recovery!