The Good (SD), The Bad (SS and DH), The Ugly (uh, that'd be me)
The Good: SD35 called my cell out of the blue this afternoon. We generally get along fine. I was in a work meeting and didn't have my phone, so didn't answer. She called to ask my advice about a situation with which I have some familiarity. Very pleasant voice message, and I'll happily call her back. Very pleasant and I am SO glad when either skid feels like they can call me.
The Bad: SS29 needs money. DH is sending him some. Some of you might remember that SS has addiction issues. He is in a halfway-type house and seems to be doing well. The thing with SS is that I will never, ever trust him. He's lied and stolen, and while I sincerely wish him great good fortune and a productive life, I'm done supporting him. We still pay his cell phone and his car insurance. He's friendly and polite toward me, and we get along fine on a superficial level. I just want him out of DH's (any my) wallet.
Anyway SS has a job interview tomorrow. Every single friggin job interview SS has is the BEST, a GREAT opportunity, the company really WANTS him. DH is SURE this is just the thing SS needs to get his life together. Then something happens and he doesn't get the job, and it's on POOR SS, they LIED to him. Whatever. I don't engage in the discussion. Problem is SS has only ONE shirt and it is torn and he has no gas in his car. Could DH please send him some money?
So DH calls me. He wants to send SS money.
The Ugly:
Me: Seriously DH? We gave him shirts for Christmas. Two. I saw him open other clothes too, and he got gift cards for clothes. You just sent him money for a busted tire last week.
DH: But it's a job interview and it's the BEST job EVER
Me: Why does he need a job when you send him money? Did you see the fb posts of him eating out with his friends yesterday?
DH: That's his new girlfriend.
Me: Yippee. Maybe she could have helped him pick out a shirt instead. When does sending him money stop? He's almost 30. Taking responsibility for himself is part of his recovery program, but I don't see him doing that and you are enabling his dependency on you, which was part of the whole addiction issue.
DH: You're right. (This is DH's default response to avoid an argument with me. It just happens to be the truth.)
Me: Send him $50 because I know you won't be able to live with yourself if you don't, but we have to establish a time when we stop supporting him. (I have already set a deadline for end of Feb. to stop paying his cell phone.)
DH: I'll tell him to check with his Mom.
Me (freaking): He needs to take care of HIMSELF, not run to his codependent Mommy and Daddy for money. How do you even KNOW he's GOT a job interview? He's a freakin ADDICT, DH, even if he's not using, and you're sending him cash. That's stupid. (Yeah, I could have been nicer.)
So that was unpleasant and DH will be all sweet and apologetic tonight and I'll still be in bitch mode because nothing changes. DH will argue that I still send money to my BD. Yes, I do. She is in school FULL TIME (honors program) and working 20 hours a week too. If she has an unexpected car repair or something else, you bet your ass I'm going to help her out. I'm the one with the savings account and I can do it without impacting him.
DH won't go to Alanon. He
DH won't go to Alanon. He does see a therapist for some of his own issues and they might talk about his son some. But we keep coming back to "SS needs (fill in the blank)." And I am always the bad guy for questioning it.
I think even if I HAD plenty of money I'd still not like it because this can't be healthy. It just can't be.
DH is a good man, and he's hurting for his son. I wish I didn't feel so calloused about it.
^^^This!^^^ Drugs take
^^^This!^^^ Drugs take priority over any and all relationships. A drug addict will sell their Mother (and Father) down the river to get what they want. I had an adopted Daughter who was on drugs and called for money every time she got out of rehab or someone else got tired of supporting her. I finally told her I no longer had the money to give to her. Only heard from her once after that, then never again. That was at least 12 years ago. From what I've heard she still has the same M.O. Believe me, if you don't give him money he will find another way to get it. Cut him off entirely - now.
Nope, no money for the adict.
Nope, no money for the adict. As for your honor student daughter, completely different story there. She is earning your help by respecting it and delivering on expectations. How old is your daughter? That too may put a notable light of difference on DH's mentioning of your support of your daughter. Supporting a college aged kid (18-23ish) is a completely different story than supporting a 30yo worthless POS addict.
DH needs some clarity on this fact.
DD and SS are within 6 months
DD and SS are within 6 months of each other. DD has a story too, and I spent WAY too much money when she ran off with a loser. She also lied, cheated, and stole from me. I eventually cut her off completely too. She stole a credit card from me once AND I REPORTED IT. My own daughter. The best thing I ever did for her was to cut her off, and it was also the absolute hardest thing too.
When DD called me crying asking for $50 so she could come home, I agreed to that. I got her back. And into therapy. She got healthy enough to try again at a college degree, but her grades were so bad from her first attempt that the only place she could enroll was a community college. And she DID. And worked her ass off. Then she was accepted to her first choice university. She is paying for that herself through grants, loans, and a job.
So, yes, she's worked HARD to clean up the mess she left behind her. And we're moving forward.
So I'm not just being a bitch. I would not enable my OWN daughter, so I sure as hell am not going to enable a kid that is not mine.
Yeah, I actually would do
Yeah, I actually would do that too. But SS is several states away. DH and I have agreed, several times, that legitimate expenses that will help him in his recovery AND that we can pay directly to the merchant or service provider is something we'd consider. That agreement seems to slip away, so now I'm just not willing to provide any financial support at all.
UPDATE. DH sent him the
UPDATE. DH sent him the money. $80 for a shirt and a tank of gas. Must be a hell of a shirt. I asked DH about the TWO shirts we gave him for Christmas. And the gift cards he got from other people. DH didn't know.
And the rest of the conversation went like this:
DH: I told SS that this is the last time I can give him money.
Me: Thank you. How did he take it?
DH: (excerpting from his email exchange with SS) I told SS there is just too much friction here when he asks for money, so I can't send him any more. But I said I love him and trust him and I'm proud of him. SS replied that he hopes that I (me, Merry) will trust him some day too.
Me: Stunned silence.
DH: What?
Me: So you blamed me.
DH backpeddling: No, I didn't blame you. I was HONEST with SS about why I couldn't give him any more money. It's too hard HERE to take it out of our budget. I told SS I would always be HONEST with him and I was.
Me: Honest by telling him about our own marital issues that we agreed were not open to discussion in any shape or form with our kids. Honest with him by betraying me. The $80 is a big deal, yes, but it's a bigger deal to expect a 30 year old man to take care of himself, and honor the addiction recovery program by being responsible for his own actions. And, DH, if you could manage to save any money out of your own income, maybe you would HAVE $80 to send him now and then. Just don't expect ME to support a kid who lied and cheated and stole from us, even if he is clean now.
And that's how the evening ended. I'm still hot about it.
I was HONEST with SS about
I was HONEST with SS about why I couldn't give him any more money. It's too hard HERE to take it out of our budget.
So, he's letting his son believe that the problem is the budget (you, in other words) instead of telling him that he needs to grow up and take care of his own business.
Your DH is not being honest with himself much less anybody else.
Even if he doesn't want to come right out and tell SS that he won't give him the money because he is a 29 year old grown man who has made his own choices and it's time to be responsible for himself, he should at least just say, "No," without an explanation.
"No, I will not be giving you anymore money from now on." I know it's hard but geez, it's never going to end until your DH puts an end to it.
You're suggesting DH say "no"
You're suggesting DH say "no" to his son. That's the first time I laughed out loud in a day. Thank you for that.
I love you people. Otherwise I'd think I was the crazy one.
Holy crap your DH is an
Holy crap your DH is an idiot!! He sells you down the river, tries to guilt trip you (you caught that, right? That whole "he said he hopes one day that you trust him" bit? Probably said in a very sad tone?), and then tries to spin his betrayal of you as "honesty"?!? Yeah, I'd be hot too. Much too hot to have another body sleeping next to me for the foreseeable future. He can go sleep on the damn couch.
Another UPDATE. DH reports
Another UPDATE. DH reports that SS was offered the job he interviewed for today. He'll start in about a week. Fingers crossed around the globe, please, that none of these things happen:
1-owners change their mind (very small company)
2-SS has a real or imagined injury or illness
3-He doesn't keep the job due to real or imagined circumstances
I hate to be a Debbie Downer, but these are all things that have happened with his recent jobs.
I don't plan to discuss it with DH, and if he brings it up he'll get a sincere "That's great. Hey, did the dog get her heartworm pill this month?"
I'm sure DH wishes I would have just quietly acquiesced yesterday since now all the problems with SS are miraculously solved. I hope he enjoys la la land for the time being.
Isn't interesting how some
Isn't interesting how some people are always LOOKING FOR A JOB! They never have one but they are sure looking.