Going crazy, advice needed
My partners ex and I had a very functional relationship up until six months ago, We primarily dealt with each other as my partner and her have issues communicating nicely with each other. We share 50-50 custody with his ex and her partner. An issue came up where she felt I had undermined her and tried to make her look bad, which wasn't the case, it was a miscommunication between my stepdaughter and her mother. I don't know if my stepdaughter does this on purpose because she doesn't like it when her mother and I communicate as we both know then what is going on with her and in her life, Or if she Genuinely misunderstand things I say I miss communicates it to her mother. This has happened lots of times where my stepdaughter has taken what I've said and not relayed everything said or has not told the whole truth about what was said and her mum has flipped out. She will get straight on the phone and abuse my partner about what I apparently said without asking what was said nor giving the benefit of the doubt. Even once explained what the miscommunication was she still did not believe me and now we haven't been talking since September last year. She is now doing everything in her power to push me away from her children. Even to the point of listing demands upon my partner that I follow, which restricts me from doing certain things with the kids, which has thrown our routine into disarray as my partner feels it necessary to follow through on such demands to keep her happy. One of my big issues at the moment is: She has requested that i don't talk to the other mothers at school as they are her friends and she thinks its weird. I say that she didnt have a problem before our argument, in fact she encouraged me to befriend these mothers. I also think that it is important for me to have a friendship with the other mothers, especially for the kids, they like to have friends over and its important that i can speak to them without feeling that she will find out and make a big deal about it. It has gotten to the point where some of the mothers have made comments that I am being standoffish and weird and they want to know what's going on. I don't mean to be, but i feel so uncomfortable talking to them now because I'm worried about upsetting her. So after trying to take her feelings into account and only saying the basics to the other mothers like Hi, bye and giving a quick smile, and not engaging in big discussions, she then got on the phone to my partner and wanted to know what my problem was and why I was being rude to people at school. This woman is driving me crazy and I don't know how much more I can take from her. Does anyone have any tips or advice????? :?
Been there , done that. I was
Been there , done that. I was going on the field trips and all that too till the bio mom wanted to be mother of the year and put a stop to it. You really have to disengage if your skid is a shit stirrer. However, the BM will not ever run the show at my house. DH has to deal with that mess.
She didn't have a problem
She didn't have a problem with me until we had our falling out. In fact I had several text messages and emails from her thanking me for everything I do for her children while they're our house. Now she is imposing lots of different rules Like I'm not allowed to be at school functions while she's there unless we first let her know that I'll be attending because She has a right to feel safe and comfortable, just stupid stuff like that. My partner seems to think that with time this may blow over but I'm not so sure. She Doesn't just have a Bee in her bonnet this time, She's got a whole damn hive under there. It's really hard to try and live our day to day lives constantly feeling like I have to take a step back from doing what comes naturally to me.
TY for your response. Just a
TY for your response. Just a few notes on your points :
In retrospect no I probably should not have befriended her, but it was our only option of communication at the time.
As for the mothers at school, we share 50-50, so to allow my partners children to have a normal functioning childhood, I did need to befriend the mothers at school. unfortunately a couple of those mothers were her friends, they didn't have a problem with that she has a problem with that Now that we have had a falling out.
I never send messages home with my stepdaughter, it'll be something my stepdaughter brings up with her mother about an issue and will say I said blah blah blah about that when in actual fact she misrepresents what I have actually said to suit herself.
And in regards to not my kid not my problem, well they may not be my biological children but I do treat them as if they were my own while they are in our home. I don't see there being any other way to do what we do and not show them the love that I would show my own children. While the children are in our home I have the same responsibilities as she does in her home, And for me it takes way too much energy to think constantly about not being myself around them and treating them differently.
Do what you want to do and
Do what you want to do and what you feel comfortable doing for the kids. Ignore her and her rants and raves, she is just jealous and feeling threatened. Don't let her dictate who you can talk to or which school events you can attend, she has absolutely no say in any of those matters. There is no reason for you to do anything differently from what you were doing apart from cutting off contact from the crazy BM. Let your husband deal with her, tell him you don't want to know whatever her latest crazy demand is. Also as Sally says stop sending messages between the houses with your SD. If your husband doesn't want to talk directly to BM then he can send a text or email or I have heard of people having a notebook for messages from each parent that the kid carries between houses.
OMG, are you and your DH both
OMG, are you and your DH both 12?
Stop cowering to this woman, tell DH to grow a set and let her know that his house is HIS house and she does not dictate the rules of HIS home. Nor does she dictate to you. Ever. Over anything. Period.
Jesus Christ, this woman is probably high as a kite on this power play!
I agree with notasm! Your
I agree with notasm! Your husbands ex sounds like my husbands ex! I too stepped in to be the middle man to help get issues resolved since my DH and his ex cannot talk to each other without it being world war III! I should have never been the middle man because in the end you are the one who gets blamed for everything and things always get blown out of proportion. These ex's are high maintenance, they are drama queens, vindictive and like to try and have control over everything. They actually have no control over their own life and are very unhappy that is why they try to cause drama in your life...it makes their life seem less shitty!!!Like notasm said she does not get to tell you what happens in YOUR home just like you guys don't have a say as to what happens in her home! We too are in the midst of working on a parallel parenting plan! It is about the only way to keep the drama way at least a little bit! It leaves little need to communicate with her, everything is super black and white...no need to deviate from the plan to give into her! Good Luck
As you discovered, you can be
As you discovered, you can be friendly with BM, but never FRIENDS. You should be aiming for cordial, civil. But don't for a moment forget that she is not your friend.
Now, as to your current situation, stop tying yourself in knots. BM cannot make "rules" for you. You are an adult. You do what YOU want to do, regardless of what BM says or does. Yes, you can be courteous, even sensitive to her feelings, if you want. If you want. But don't allow yourself to make that your priority - your priority here is what YOU and your DH want, and how YOU feel.
As for your SD, it's time she got some natural consequences for her actions. She's trying to cause trouble between the two houses. (My own did that as well.) So she needs to lose something. "I'm sorry SD, I won't be taking you to the movies / letting your friend sleep over / buying you clothes because I don't want to step on your mom's toes. She's made it clear since you told her XYZ that she would prefer me not to do that." In other words, your SD needs to know that when she causes trouble for YOU, it's going to result in you not going above and beyond for her. (It's crucial that you tell her you're not doing extra for her BECAUSE of what she told her mom.)
On to your DH. Sounds like he might be "afraid of making BM mad". *eye roll* Fine. In that case you make it clear to him that if he's more afraid of HER than of hurting or losing YOU, then he's on his own in dealing with her. Possibly in dealing with SD as well. He cannot have his cake and eat it too - you are not the free babysitter, maid, or chauffeur. Either you are his PARTNER, which means he has your back and YOU are more important to him than BM's tantrums, or he can do everything BM/SD related himself. I know you said that's impractical given how much you have her, which is EXACTLY why it will work. Right now he's got it easy - he can cater to BM so she doesn't yell at him, and you'll just suck it up. You've got to make it HARD for him. He has to know that telling BM to shut up is a better option than having to do 100% of all the crap at your house. That's the only way he's going to change.
As the other posters have
As the other posters have said, let DH do it. I use to think, I got this it's just 2 more kids, I am a mom I can just keep doing what I have been. NOPE. BM started with her shit and I said no more. So now if the skids want to eat, shower, a towel, ASK YOUR PARENT. I did get a towel the other day because dh was taking out the trash and he asked me nicely.
However, I no longer cook at any time, not even when they aren't here. DH is learning if he keeps ticking me off, he'll get less. I do what I want when I want and I make no bones about telling him that now.
I use to think I will just do it and then DH will realize that I am right, NOPE. BM's always have DH's balls which makes no sense, they dont live with her but with us. I told him, you are making the wrong person mad and trust me it won't fair well for you. He is starting to see it and getting upset but he brought it on himself.
Let me go to the school crap alone, feed them, bathe them and deal with his train wreck BM ALONE.
Thank you to everyone who has
Thank you to everyone who has commented And given advice. It's really nice to know that I'm not the only one going through this and that the feelings I'm having other people have too. Although I don't think this situation is going to change any time soon, like most people's situations it's long and complicated, And what I've mentioned here is only the tip of the iceberg.