The "Step Mom" trying to make friends with other "Real Moms"
DH and I don't have any children together, so we just have SS6 50% of the time. We moved last June to the city BM lived to be closer to SS now that he started school full time. Of course we don't know anyone! So we joined the local Y and became very involved with SS's school and sports. We volunteer to help when we can (we both work full time, and since we moved, mine and DH's jobs are an hour away) so we don't have endless time to help out the school, but do as much as we can. DH and I also coach and help out with all of his sports. BM does NOTHING! She considers it boring to be involved in SS's activities, etc. (she's really busy tanning and getting her nails done) She won't even have lunch with him at his school because the "food is gross".
Anyways, DH and I have been doing all of this because we want to make friends with other parents. So we can have friends in the town we live in, so SS can have friends, so we can learn about everything our new home has to offer, etc. We have always had a good network of friends where we live, and now we are really far away from all of them so we feel out of our element.
Despite our best efforts, we cannot seem to make friends. DH does better than I do, he's naturally charismatic. I on the other hand, not so well. We will be getting along just fine, then the second they realize I'm not the "Real Mom" they lose all interest. Like I'm Cruella de Ville or something.
Now SS and I have a wonderful relationship, probably better than he does with BM. I've been in his life since he was under a year, so to him I am a natural staple in his life. He treats me very well and most of the time people assume I am his "Real Mom". However, he calls me by my first name or by a nickname he and DH call me. As soon as that name comes out, I can see that look on their faces, like OH YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE.... What's the deal with that??? Do they treat moms who adopt the same way?? How am I ever supposed to build a network of mom friends if this is how people think?
Also, why do people always assume that the DAD is the shitty parent and the one that's messed up? MOMs can be messed up too...or here's a thought, all parties involved could be just fine, they just didn't work as a couple. Grated I could tell these people what a POS BM is, but I don't. SS doesn't need that in his life, and what's the point. Why can't their be "STEP MOM" groups (outside of the internet world)?
SO FRUSTRATING!!!
I deal with this in a similar
I deal with this in a similar fashion.
DS is 6 and I am finally trying to create a network of my own friends. When they find out that I am divorced and that DH is my bios step dad I can see their shift in attitude. I absolutely hate it. We live in an area where the divorce rate is really really low plus my bios are very young.
I think that people judge me but then I try really hard not to care clearly they've never been in my shoes so I can't expect them to understand I just hope that it doesn't effect my kids. Like the parents won't want their kids playing with mine because *gasp* their parents are divorced and *gasp* they have step parents!
My world just doesn't fit into their neaty bow tied boxes.
I'm sorry you are going through that though it's tough but kudos to you guys for being so involved that is what truly matters.
I'm a bio mom and a step
I'm a bio mom and a step mother. SS school and parents treat me like I pooped in their shoes! Most SM are seen as what broke up the marriage and happy family even if we didn't. I won't discuss BM with them who is a POS whore who cheated on SO when their son was just 4 weeks old. Took drugs and drank heavily through out her pregnancy. She never wanted SS but felt she "owed" SO a child. She should have been born without a uterus but now pretends she is the perfect wife and mother. Ugh keep trying Its all you can do and good luck!
Find friends away from SS's
Find friends away from SS's life. This doesn't happen with my friends, but with people we know through SS and SD, it does. I golf and am active in charity work and that has helped me make friends outside of the Step world. Also, I can bitch about my SD and BM to these friends since there is a minimal chance they know them.
I hate the stupid school
I hate the stupid school lunch visits. SD7 has asked me to go because BM and her family visit at lunch a few times a week. Someone (grandpa, grandma, great aunts, etc.) Are always at her school. It just seems so intrusive. SD is at school to learn and socialize with peers! Not to be bothered by everyone under the sun.
As far as the original post, yeah I've tried to reach out to SD friend's mom's to set up a play date but they "lost" the card I sent with our contact info. SD keeps begging me to write another, but it's clear they only want their kids over at BMs as they have stayed the night and spent afternoons over there. I'm sure BM has told a bunch of lies about us. SD indicates "my mom and xyz mom are BFFs now" so you have used your child to make friends...wow my parents were never friends with my friend's parents. The only way adults were friends were because they grew up together and started having kids and THEN kids became friends. Not the other way around.
It really depends on the the
It really depends on the the school system. It's pretty much unheard of here in NYC. However, when I lI've in NC (Wake County), it was a huge deal.
I never said it made her a
I never said it made her a bad mom. I said that to point out that she does nothing to be involved in his life or activities, yet because she's the MOM it's automatically assumed she's the prize parent and DH and I are trash.
So basically we are trying our best to show our support and that we are not the "stereotypical" Dad and Step-Mom that don't care about the child, etc. and yet we are still treated like the bad guys.
I know how you feel. My kids
I know how you feel. My kids with dh look absolutely nothing like me, they are beautiful with their fair skin and big blue eyes, but I think people assume that I am just the nanny because they look absolutely nothing like me. When we are out I sometimes wonder if people assume they are my steps because they look just like dh.
If you attend a school where
If you attend a school where this is the norm, then kids aren't embarrassed. My son's school in NC allowed the kids to pick two classmates to have lunch with them.
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They are looking and treating
They are looking and treating you different because you are different. You're just a woman that married a child's daddy and trying to be better than the BM. I have never went and ate lunch In all my sons school years or put him in ball or any kind of that sports junk. It is boring and I also tan and get my nails done to make me feel good about myself. That doesn't make anyone else better than me. My son always had a roof over his head, the lights never flickered, he had a meal, and I sat down and helped with home work. He has graduated and as a adult he takes karate and boxing on his own with his own money. I'm Damn sure not gonna use my sd to meet friends either. Those bio parents are probably looking at you as needy and fake because the bio mother is still in his life. You're trying to hard to make yourself look like his #1 lady In his life . You'll be known but not #1, when really you'll never ever be. Sorry the truth hurts
Fake crazy boundary over
Fake crazy boundary over stepper step mother alert! You'll never be that kids mother so stop trying to take it away from someone else. Be yourself and real. If you were doing it out of passion or love then stop putting the BM down on stuff other step moms do. I'm a bio and a step. Just trying to give you an opinion from both sides so stop taking so offence.
I never said she shouldn't go
I never said she shouldn't go to games or eat lunch. I said I wouldn't personally. I said if she was going to do it then Be real and stop putting the child's BM down because she personally doesn't like the games or school lunches. It just sounds like the op is trying so hard like playing a game on the child's behalf to be better than the BM. Now I do not know what the BM does. I'm just stating what I read in the post. It seems like this particular step mom is showing some hatred for the BM because she does her own thing and does not want to go to ball games. The op should be happy the BM isn't putting her foot down to someone else over shadowing their moments with drama. And for all any of us know, the BM is probably a hard working woman that uses all her money in paying bills and the other is a luxury. If the op is getting negatives from people then it's probably what she is putting out.
I think it's absolutely
I think it's absolutely fantastic that you did all of those things for your children and I am not judging you in any way nor claiming your a bad parent. I don't even know you.
However, the BM I deal with is not like you. She puts, getting her hair, nails, and tan, above her financial responsibility to pay bills and put food on the table. The lights are "broken" several times a year. SS comes home and non of the homework assigned to him while at her house has been completed. He goes to school without hat/gloves/snowpants/boots regularly, and DH bought several pairs for her house this year and they keep getting "lost".
Now provided that above (and more I could add to the list of shit she has done) this post had NOTHING to do with her ability to parent. I merely don't understand why Step parents are judged so harshly. I NEVER try to be his mom, or take away from his mom. I also do not talk about any of the shit she has done anywhere but on this forum (which is what I thought this was for - WHERE STEP PARENTS COME TO VENT) and with DH. I had parents and step parents and I know how hard that is on a child. I never make him feel like he has to choose and I even stand up for her when he is upset with her.
As for the lunch thing. To each their own. The reason that stands out to me is because it really bothers SS that she doesn't come. I personally have only been there once for lunch. I have not returned BECAUSE she doesn't go. At his school parents go regularly, it's just how things are in this small town. He's six and wants his mom to show interest in what he's doing at school, she doesn't and that hurts him, which in return hurts me because I HATE that he feels that way. My bio dad NEVER showed up for anything and it really hurt so I understand his pain.
All I was going after with this post is the stigma of being a step parent, and the small town assumption that DH is a crap dad and I was a home wrecker, which is not at all the case.
Exactly! I didn't realize I
Exactly! I didn't realize I sounded negative about BM. I should have re-read the post before I submitted, I usually do. Lesson learned.
Thanks.
You are doing the right thing
You are doing the right thing with him and he will be close to you forever . Just don't get your feelings hurt when she starts to ever show him some attention and he shuts you and your DH out. My son has done that to me. His bf left when he was 10, prior to that his bf was never there. The bf came Into the picture at my sons graduation. Every since they both have been peas and carrots. Same goes with my step daughter. Her mother takes the child support and spends all the money on her bills and her money on only herself. I took my money and bought tons of clothes which ended up at GoodWill. My sd comes over wearing rags now and everything is about her BM. I'm just saying that you should get prepared because a child will choose BM over a step, no matter what.
^^^100% AGREE!
^^^100% AGREE!
First, you are SS's REAL mom.
First, you are SS's REAL mom. Being a REAL mom ... or dad .... has nothing to do with biology it has to do with taking the actions of being a mom and taking the actions of love.
As you describe her BM is far from a mother and has little if any demonstrated love for your Skid and is far from his REAL mom.
Making friends takes some time when you move to a new place. Don't get discouraged. It may be that this time the connections your DH makes will be the foundation for your social life where you now life.
Historically the social connections that my wife and I have had have been my long term friends. Nearly my entire graduating class from engineering school was hired by the same company so generally our social circle moved from graduation to work. We have expanded our social circle beyond my college and childhood friends and their families but my wife is also very good friends with several of my long terms friends and their wives in her own right.
Since we moved internationally my wife is the core of our social life. Her friends and their husbands are our social life.
Relax and enjoy as events unfold. The parents of your son's team mates will come around and eventually you will make a connection with one of more of them.
Hang in there ... mom.
what she is doing is great,
what she is doing is great, exceptional but don't put down the child's BM down over not wanting to attend an event the bf and sm enrolled the child in. I guess the post rubbed me the wrong way. If she said the BM layed up and done drugs instead of doing anything for the child then yeah I would have to agree. She said the BM did not come because she would rather get her nails done or tan. If the 'real moms' are giving her that look then maybe she puts the BM down, does she? There has to be a reason why they treat her that way.
The responses are based on
The responses are based on what she posted. It truly sounds like she is trying to out mom the mom. If a bunch of SM'S are getting an odd vibe from the OP, then just maybe the OP had said/done things to make the other parents feel uneasy as well.
It seems kind of creepy that a SM would want to build friendships around her SK's activities.
I never put BM down in public
I never put BM down in public or to SS. I don't because SS doesn't deserve that and it doesn't benefit him in any way. Also, I'm smarter than that. This is HER town. She has lived there for years and I know that would get me no where.
You are absolutely doing the
You are absolutely doing the smart thing by not shredding BM to SS. We never shredded the Sperm Clan or the Sperm Idiot to SS either. However, we did share every sordid fact regarding the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool with him in an age appropriate manner. Arrest records, secret marriages and divorces, statutory rape, etc.... We also made sure to bare the facts of the Sperm Clan idiocy as publically as possible when they pulled their bullshit. We made sure they could not maintain their façade of respectability and "goodness". Since we have never lived nearer than 1200 miles to Sperm Land during our marriage there was no downside for us to speak the facts and the truth when we were in Sperm Land for court or to deal with their toxic crap.
Karma is that my Skid is the one that bares their asses now. He is a smart and confident young man who like his dad, that would be me, has no tolerance for idiots of no character. His mom and I actually have to rein him in regarding how he speaks of his Sperm Clan. We tolerate his venting and speaking of their toxic crap and gladly act as his sounding board. However, we do not allow him to speak of them in disrespectful terms. Facts are fine. Insulting names are not.
Which is why I joined this forum years ago so I could vent and rant and call them insulting but very satisfying names in relative privacy rather than IRL.
Venus, you sound like a very
Venus, you sound like a very caring and loving SM. Your husband wanted to move to live closer to SS and you supported him in it. Please don't let the negativity of some distract you from being yourself. There isn't a "one size fits all" when it comes to parenting or step parenting. Just because some may find fault in some things you're doing, doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong.
I believe your problem mainly lies in the fact that you're in a town that BM resided in before you arrived. I
I can give an example from my
I can give an example from my life where my DH, my two sons' step-dad, has always been at all their games, at times without me, and some practices my kids have had in elementary and middle school, even before we were married. He became buddies with other dads and no one minded that he was not the REAL dad - no one at the game would have recognized my sons' bio-dad because he was never there. So other parents would say to DH, "Your son is playing very well today," and even though he would respond, "Yes, my SS is very athletic," no one made a big deal of biological bond vs step-bond. Not moms, not dads - everyone was happy to have another interested adult in the mix.
It is surprising to me that the parents you deal with ( other moms) are so territorial. As a BM I would not be put off by a step-parent appearing at a game. What do i care why you love that kid? If other step-parents on this forum want to keep their distance that's fine, but i don't see your efforts as over the top. I have not had to deal with this as a SM - the skids were grown by the time i came around - or BM, as my kids' SM has never been to any school or athletic event of theirs, but i would say, if you coach teams you will eventually earn your place in the sun.
Good luck!
Venus, you gave up a lot when
Venus, you gave up a lot when you moved so far from your job, your friends, and your life. You did so because you loved your husband and wanted to do right by his little child. You should be applauded and I do applaud you. That is a LOT to give up so you are very generous in your heart.
So now you still see the same people during the day at your job, but hanging out with them or your other friends from Job Town is off the table if you are going to spend real time with your dh and by extension your family with him, ss. So now you quite naturally need a new set of friends if you are to socialize at all. You need people you don't drive 2 hours roundtrip to see. Plus the only anchoring thing in this town is your ss.
Therefore it is quite natural to look to the parents in ss's circle to become social with. Who wouldn't? After giving up all that you're not going to sit at home while dh takes ss to his soccer games so that the Step Police won't give you a ticket for "overstepping." It would be ridiculous and tantamount to giving up even more of what's left of your personal life with dh.
The fly in the ointment is that it's bm's hometown and it's a small town. So there will be ingrained patterns of fear and loyalty. I'm not sure how to get around that. I would say hold your head up high, invite the children to activities at your house on dh's weeks, make them parent-friendly when you can ("Nate Neighborboy is invited to swim at our house. We're gonna barbecue, why don't you stay for a dog, Nate's parents, while the boys play?), and give the folks some time to get to know you.
Maybe you've already tried this. I hope time will loosen closed hearts for you. I guess my best advice would be to nurture your marriage and yourself otherwise eventually you will resent living in this town where you are sentenced to such isolation and judgment.
Venus, I also wanted to say
Venus, I also wanted to say when I meet new people in the skidsworld, I announce pretty quickly what my relationship is to the children. My theory is by getting it out there early the other parents get past it quicker. They never have the moment where they feel "duped" and therefore sore. Not that your marriage is any of their business, whether you are first or 15th wife. But it's just human nature to feel grouchy when we realize we've made a mistake and so very easy to pass off our discomfort as somebody else's fault. At the very least these people may feel a simple loss of confidence in their own judgement when they realize their mistake and simply retreat out of embarrassment or needing some time to process.
If you really just live in a town that's so small and backward that a second marriage will never be accepted, I think you and dh need to reconsider your move there. It may be better for all of you if you move to something like a 1/2way point between JobTown and Skidtown. We live approximately 30 minutes from BM and it's just long enough of a drive to keep BM out of our hair. Very doable for the chance to our worlds from overlapping too much. Hopefully in your case it would also mean that you end up in a more sophisticated area where people will accept you for your kindness and cheeriness rather than condemn you for rigid and outdated ideas about divorce and re-marriage.
Thank you very much for the
Thank you very much for the kind words and advice.