What would you do, need advice
So, SD12 plays softball. There is another little story on the blended family board of last weeks crisis, but since this is not a "blended" issue I'm writing here. SD12 plays on the school team and also plays for a youth team, that DH was completely against due to the amount of time SD would be playing and not focused on other things. One team was enough he felt. He FLAT out told SD and Mommy dearest this. He also said he would not go to away games (some are more than an hour away) for the youth team, as he is choosing to support her fully with the school team. He works 50 hours a week, plus has a side business, so already is quite filled up with responsibilities, but does try his best. This weekend, mommy dearest decided NOT to bring Step-son 9 to his baseball game, as she chose to follow SD12 around to a dance SD12 went to. Mommy dearest texts DH the next day asking when practice for SS9 was. DH answered, "since he didn't go to his game, I don't know anymore than you do" Well, mommy dearest launched into 10 different texts about how DH should "step-up" and help, she can't do everything. He should stop always being with his "dumb ass wife" and should focus only on the kids. (Which by the way, she is only pissed because every kid thing we go to, be it my bio kids or his kids WE go together, not separate, but we do go, she just hates us being together). DH ignores the texts, no point to arguing for hours through text. Then last night she has SD12 call and SD12 starts yelling at him about not going to her game, he was just in such and such a town, on and on, very rude, very unlike SD12. MInd you, NO ONE told DH there was a game. As soon as SD12 got off the phone mommy dearest calls screaming at him, "why is she upset" "you're such an asshole" "thanks for being father of the year" DH hung up. Then of course 6 texts very quickly chime through. Stating the usual, you don't support her, you don't care about her, she's always left out at your house and she has decided not to go there this week (DH has primary residency and Tue-Sat custody every week). Well, anyhow, after all of that.......I think he felt a little guilty about not going to the game. He wanted to text back, "If I knew I would have tried....blah, blah" I looked at him with my "Really" look and he said nevermind, I'm not texting all night. I said, if you need to say something you need to talk to SD12, NOT mommy dearest.
Today I'm sitting here wondering if I should elaborate to him on that thought. The thought it is not any of mommy dearest business, but between SD12 and him to have a relationship directly. Or should I just let him do whatever, whether it is talk to SD12 or whether it is to actually text mommy dearest and say he would have tried. (that's not to say he will, I just want to throw it out there I don't want him to because it's not about her, should I say that or leave it alone)
Thanks for opinions. Can't wait for softball to be over!!! Pain in the ASS, also glad when school is over, no more kid events to argue about with her!
PS> Side note, my ex-DH has only been to 1 of my DD13 softball games this year and I haven't said a word to him, it's NOT my place. If it upsets DD13, she is old enough to speak with her dad, that's just how I feel.
Yes, he said he would 100%
Yes, he said he would 100% support school games for SD12, but would only "try" if it was the youth team game she was playing.
Yes, BM had to follow SD12 to a dance, but couldn't "support" SS9 and take him to his baseball game so he missed it.
Yes, SD12 called mad (with BMs phone) to complain about not going to the youth game.
Yes, DH told SD12 she needed to tell him when games were as he was never told and that she had a phone, she could have called to tell him about it.
He also did say to SD12, you need to tell me, you have your own phone, I don't need to talk to your mother.
Yes, DH did speak with SD12
Yes, DH did speak with SD12 BEFORE the youth team started, as well as told BM he could only "try" if games were not in our town, but away.
DH DOES support SD12 and SS9, but please understand he works 50 hours a week as well as a side business which takes up some time. He is there 90% of the time. Also, understand between SD12 and SS9 there are 6-7 games a week, plus practice every night, PLUS school things, such as band, chorus, etc.
BM only works part-time as a waitress and thinks she is SD12 best friend, NOT MOTHER, so coddles her terribly.
Dumb ass wife, huh? I guess
Dumb ass wife, huh? I guess she was referring to you? She doesn't like you much does she. Your DH has no need to respond to such emails nor listen to screaming hysterics on the phone. Kind of stupid on her part to think he's going to pay her any real attention to what she's trying to say/get across point her (in her opinion)when she's throwing rocks at him and his wife.
If Dad has primary and Tuesday through Saturday, BM should be signing SD up for only things that take place on Sunday and Monday unless Dad agrees to it. Dad and BM are each responsible for knowing when practice and games are. If this is the ball (school sponsored) Dad agreed with BM to enrolling in then they each can communicate directly to the coach or SD can keep track of her own games/practices. She's 12, not 7yrs old. Next question to be concerned about, who is going to transport SD to the traveling team (not agreed to by Dad) during Tuesday through Saturday? I would think someone with 2dys a week custody would not commit the child to a sport without considering child may not have a way to practices/games the other five dys a week.
I know my youngest grandson (13yrs) is in more ball teams then a kid would be if the kid had working parents. Currently he is with the park district city program and the traveling team. yesterday the 8th grade school team started practice. He's been on the two for about six weeks, has two weeks left of school and now here's the third team starting up. Some evenings (school nights) he is at one practice or another from afterschool until 9:30 at night. I guess things like homework are not a priority in his busy extra activity schedule. (Don't get me started, my daughter, his mother, can be an absolute idiot at times...heh, no problem, DD does his homework for GS while she sits on the bleachers *shaking my head*)
Anyway....all your Dh can do is the best he can inbetween his job and other commitments. And as heartless as it sounds to a 12yr old, Dad has no responsibility to worry about the traveling team he did not agree to. With that said, IMO Dad should be attending his daughter's games over attending your his stepkids games if the evening allows time to go to any game.
Even if that means you go one way to your kids events and DH goes the other way to his daughter's event. There will be sometimes where Dh and you will not be able to attend together. A parent shouldn't choose to watch a skids game over his own child's. Explaining that to his daughter is not something daughter will or should be expected to deal with and accept. Just like your own kid would not understand or readily accept it if you told your kid you wouldn't be attending your kids game as you were going with DH to SD's game. IMO Dad also needs to be sure that the only evenings he is free to go to games aren't the evenings the game is your kids. Even if by some weird chance that were actually true, his daughter would rapidly build resentment and hostile feelings towards Dad, you and her stepsiblings. No kid wants to think her father has time for SM's kids but not for his own kid.
As to BM? Dh can ignore her and not get into texting/calling games with her. It's not so much daughter only should be dealing with Dad, because there will be times where it is the adults who need to do the communicating with each other. Children do not make their own decisions. Children should not be put in the middle of parents feuding nor adult issues. On the otherhand, Dad doesn't need BM's approval on what and/or how he runs his home and time. Ignore BM when she is butting in and being inappropriate. Let Dh handle communication with BM during times communication between parents is necessary.
Just clarifying, I was saying
Just clarifying, I was saying my EX husband hasn't gone to any of my DD13 games and I haven't said anything to him as I feel it is between my DD13 and her dad to talk if she is disappointed in him. Not my place.
Luckily, my SD13 is only on the school team and when she is away, SD12 has a home game, so no games have ever meant choosing one over the other, EVER. I wouldn't expect DH to pick stepchild over bio child. What BM is saying is I shouldnt be with him when he goes to games. Why not? I need to sit home or disappear when I want to support the stepkids too?
Yes, BM (parttime waitress) caters to EVERY DEMAND of SD12 or SS9 and then freaks if my DH doesn't. (You know, if he acts like a parent who knows you can't have things your way all the time).
Ignore the whore. But make
Ignore the whore. But make sure that DH talks to SD. She seems to be getting the idea that the world DOES revolve around her (where on earth would she get THAT idea ???). I'm sure she is getting filled with all kinds of bull from BM. He needs to counter that with facts and rationality.
I understand the "ignore"
I understand the "ignore" theory. But, to be honest after 8 years and being put on medication and it disrupting the mood of my house IGNORE doesn't always work. Clearly, she does what suits her and calls DH shit regardless of what he does, I know so what, yes I ignore, not so worried about that. In this incident I am worried about my DH feeling like shit and guilty, like all of us do if we aren't with the bio-parent of our kids (we feel it once in a while or all the time..)
I wanted to know if I should be silent or bother explaining my point to DH not to feel guilty and if he does, to once again, EVEN THOUGH HE DID BEFORE THIS SOFTBALL SHIT STARTED, explain to SD12 the deal. My DH's guilt and issues of feeling like a shitty dad because of the game BM plays of getting the kid upset was what I want to know how to deal with. Not BM. Clearly talking to her is mute.
I do appreciate any and ALL comments believe me because I really don't have anyone to vent to or explain this to, because instead of ignore their big answer is just to get divorced and not deal at all, which is ridiculous in my situation, as my DH is very kind to me and never "throws me under the bus" with SKs or BM, which I do see here often, sadly.