Well, I simply wouldn't have it. I decided long ago I would never have a young woman in my house has a nanny/au per, nothing. Don't care how much I trust my dh and I do trust him very much. Just not having that powder keg in my house. My quirk I would say you'll have to forgive me but I don't like spinach either and I don't see you cramming that down my throat.

I would hire Miss Marple. The end. Nobody else.

Nope, I wouldn't do it either. I trust my SO fully but its just something I would rather not deal with in our home. I would be hiring an older lady or man.

If you have even one tiny teeny inkling that says no, then it should be NO.

Seriously, hiring a friend to do ANYTHING is a recipe for disaster. It's not a normal employer/employee relationship when you are "friends".

It's just a little too cozy. Why not say Hey a nanny is a great idea, lets go through XYZ nanny agency and select one we BOTH agree to?

I agree re: relationship as employer or friend. Just say-oh let's just find someone else (though it is very short term could dyou be the one who handles all the details and is there when she arrives and leaves vs. DH?)
And day care is year round.... so if he has a spot then i'd think you would want to try that first.
care.com - get someone that way. someone you can be the employer to.

Agree with the others.

Familiarity with the person means lack of boundaries.

Find a nanny (preferably one that looks like Mrs. Doubtfire) you can both agree on or go with Echo's suggestion of drop in daycare.

If you aren't comfortable with it, there is no question. It isn't about how much you trust him, how many female friends he has, or if he is the best, most loyal guy in the world. You are not comfortable so it should be off the table with zero questions asked. In a marriage (I realize you aren't married, but you are engaged and have a kid together), your spouse's comfort is most important 99.9% of the time.

I think the fact that you're engaged to this man and have never MET this "friend" is a gigantic, waving, lit up red flag. If they're just friends then why on earth have you never met her before? Let me tell you, it's because he has either fucked her or wants to. I hate to be so blunt but I've been there. If you haven't met her there's a reason and it isn't one you're going to like.

No way in hell is she hanging out in your home as nanny. Oh, and, you need to meet her because him having a secret friend is fuck-all shady.

Tog, I actually agree with everything you say (except going ahead and hiring her). Which is why I didn't justify my position other than "my quirk."

But Tausha articulates a better explanation. You don't have to be a bad or untrustworthy person to act impulsively. Relationships do need care and feeding and part of that care is a great boundary. I like Tausha's word, "a hedge." (Not to be confused with hedgeHOG!!!!!!) The affair with the nanny is so common we all could easily think of examples of it right off the top of our heads. Addicts in recovery are advised not to tempt or test themselves by going into a casino (my ex-husband) or a bar (alcoholics.) There's no "recovery" from human relationships--you need them and participate in them all your life. A man feels emotional about his children and now here's a young woman who has instant access to those emotions. Doesn't make her a bad person or a predator. She cares about the kiddies (which is why she's in that field) so her emotions are traveling the same exact path when these 2 intersect lives. Why oh why oh why why why throw them into a casino/bar/empty house?

This line of thought may not be for everyone but I simply don't want that situation in my face all the time and it will be if it's in my home. A young lady who works at a day care center with 20 other kids and 20 other sets of parents? Fine. Living in my home not on your life. Same with 8 hours a day in my home. It's just too intimate. Too many examples of it happening to women who very clearly thought they were doing something safe when hiring the young woman.

I do not assume all young women are after my man or any man. Tried to make that clear but I'll state it outright in my own words. Most young women are delightful human beings trying to earn a buck or get ahead in their careers and their heads are full of their own lives, not mine. I was once a young woman myself and I adore several young women right now (nieces, etc.).

I also am not saying "anyone" is capable of infidelity or that men can't control themselves.

What I am saying is that it is sheer folly to believe you can spot the potential adulterer in an interview or just meeting them or EVEN BEING THEIR FRIEND. Many could not spot the potential adulterer in their own mirror.

How high you make the hedge around your marriage is up to the individual couple. Some people swing openly but stay with each other for decades. Others think glancing at a Playboy while paying for a Slurpee is cheating. My dh has many business relationships as do I. We're good with that.

But whenever one of these nanny situations pops up in the news or in personal life I always wonder what the wife was thinking when she moved that girl into the house? Ancient Greeks and many other cultures had a thing about do not be arrogant to the gods. Just when you say you are too powerful or rich for this or that, Zeus will toss a thunderbolt at you and leave you in ruins.

OP already has some issues with her man as I recall. I just would not recommend standing at the foot of Olympus and declaring how unbreachable my fortress is.

On the relationship level, I agree that forbidding the nanny won't stop him if he's a cheater. However, the OP was upfront about her insecurities ruling the roost in this area.

In her shoes, I would also avoid a situation that put pressure on my weak areas.

I would also be actively looking for some insight as to what is drawing me to men who aren't trustworthy, or at least, in the case of the fiance, who appear to be untrustworthy (having friends that I don't know).

Isn't it exhausting babysitting a grown ass man? What's the point of staying with a man you don't trust?

I came back to this one. And you said it isn't for a long time right? I would absolutely not use the friend. First of all like I said-Day care is YEAR ROUND because people who work (other than teachers etc.) work ALL YEAR except for vacations. So I would check on day care first-if they are starting in the fall (unless that is because there are no openings until the fall b/c of kids leaving b/c they are school age.....)
But start there.
Care.com
Post on Facebook that you are looking and need a referral. Join one of those online yard sale sites-people post requests or saying things that they have a nanny they can no longer use all the time.
Annoying that to make it happen YOU have to do the legwork.
Is he overly re-assuring you and making you feel crazy for thinking anything would happen.
The ONLY other option (but care.com should 100% be able to get someone for you so really I'm not sure why you would have to use this person-they are all background checked and pay to post so seems like a legit deal) is for you to be there when she arrives and when she leaves.
Set up a drop cam and KEEP AN EYE OUT. Isn't that terrible!?? This isn't ok. I'm angry on your behalf!

Hell no, knowing you have been cheated on before should be a huge flag for him to be sensitive to that and hiring a younger nanny, is not being sensitive to that at all. Wouldn't have and if he's got a problem with that it speaks volumes. SO and I both have emotional baggage and triggers from our exes and sometimes we don't realize a sensitivity to certain things comes from those dark places. I would tell him how you feel and why, he should be like, " Oh, duh, sorry honey, let's look at daycares."

This is why you do not hire her...or at least make her one of THREE candidates you interview for the position - including male and female, young and old.

My DH is a very loving and faithful guy. Wouldn't know a woman was flirting unless she sat on his lap, rubbing his face. I have had to TELL him when women are flirting with him. I absolutely trust him with my heart 1000%.

He trained a female in at work. He was very open with me about it. Including that he found her somewhat attractive. They became close friends.

I did not shut down the relationship. I had nothing to fear. I was even friendly with her myself although I didn't have much in common with her.

They talked about all sorts of things at work. She got friendly with me and talked about all sorts of things with me. Including my DH's problems. Looking back, she was kind of nosy about personal things and my gut was screaming at me but I ignored it, thinking I was just insecure!

Next thing you know, she has decided that I am no good for my DH but is still being all friendly with me and using information to go back and manipulate my DH into thinking that I am doing this or that wrong. [Just for the record, my DH normally thinks I am great and have changed his life for the much better.]

We almost ended our marriage because of this "friend." And he never once slept with her or even kissed her. She was more like a sister in his eyes. But she was still toxic to our relationship and had to be cut out.