How do you step mothers cope and manage things when you can't stand them??
My SS16 lives with us FT 24/7 without reprieve. He has psychological issues and a history of being booted out of schools and his current school, has been suspended 3 times. He is currently being told by the school and now DH that if he continues to fuck around with things ( not attending and handing up work an speaking decently to teachers etc) that they will kick him out and then DH will too......
Oh how I wish! He is rude, entitled, manipulative and narcissistic. This is my house they both moved into. But I've tried hard to make it ours....but SS16 speaks beyond me ( through me) ignoring me, to his father... We were married in April this year and have lived together since jan this year. I knew SS16's history and felt for him as his BM has abandoned him frequently with the recent episode last year resulting in her putting a restraining order on him. He said he wanted to kill her.. Shit so do I as she is horrible so I don't blame him. But fuck me, Im so over his behaviour and attitude I too want him gone. I hate my life now.
Tommar nailed it- he wants to
Tommar nailed it- he wants to act like a jack ass then send him to job corps. Line out that he has 6 months to get his shit together or get out. After he is 18 if he wants to ruin his life that is his business but right now his life is your life so no way, tell your DH that they can both shape up or ship out.
I don't manage things at all
I don't manage things at all anymore. I give up. I have tried everything - from being overcompensating and nice (which I am in life in general), to being a mother figure, everything. The full disciplining power for my SD goes to my husband simply because of the really difficult nature of our relationship. I cringe at times when she is there, and hide myself in my bedroom to avoid the icy glares and attitude. Told her to make her bed this morning, and she literally grunted went back in her room apparently sulked and never did. So my husband did it for her. That was like the light bulb FINALLY when off in my head. Not playing into this. I now have to lock my door to my room - the one last area I can have privacy - because she goes through my personal belongings (makeup, thong underwear, shoes, razors, shampoo) and hides them. I am done being everyone's maid, laundry person, cook, etc. Everyone can fend for themselves!
AMEN!!!!
AMEN!!!!
TOTALLY!!!! And we are on the
TOTALLY!!!! And we are on the receiving end of trying to manage said monster!! Thanks BM....
Meanwhile she gets off scott free living the life SHE wants to with her boyfriend all happy and stress free....
This family is totally toxic!!! I didnt know how toxic until I started living with them 24/7 7 days a week. More fool me.
BEER. along with
BEER. along with anti-anxiety and blood pressure meds. but mostly beer. like the song says, "i numbed the pain at the expense of my liver."
Normally I would say
Normally I would say disengage. But he sounds dangerous. I would advise your DH move out with SS until SS is 18. (ps..DH can not kick him out while he is 16).
If this is YOUR house, take
If this is YOUR house, take back your control! Can you (and will your DH go along) file something like a PINS petition? (persons in need of supervision)
Things are more toxic on our
Things are more toxic on our end with our BM but just the same, I've washed my hands of bm and SD7. It's hard not to feel guilty but I feel stronger mentally and am actually better able to cope with the nonsense having taken the emotions out of it. With a teenage boy...his dad definitely needs to step up his game and stick to what he says.
...and wine.
Living in Australia we dont
Living in Australia we dont have access to services you are suggesting unfortunately and a kid at the age of 16 can leave home and access "unable to live at home" $$allowance from the government. All SS16 has to do is claim he is being abused and he can live independently. The services will contact his father and seek validation of SS16's claims, and Im hoping this actually happens so SS16 pisses off.
I do not have any "control" as you say in my "own home" as DH makes decisions without agreement from me. We are attending counselling because of this and it seems the counselling isnt working as decisions are still made without my buy in or agreement (despite the counselor trying to teach both of us that this should be happening)....hence wanting to know how other step mothers deal with this as it seems that there are a LOT of Dh's out there who do this to their wives and run rough shot over joint decisions regarding their own child.
And I am drinking LOTS of wine.....it makes me sleepy and will go to bed earlier. I DONT understand how my DH continues to disrespect me as his wife so his shit kid is catered for? DH is equally as pissed off at him as I am, but overrides what I suggest as a consequence for being suspended, and makes an expectation that is piss weak and lacking in any form of punishment....so what does SS16 end up learning???? That he can do what ever he likes and there's no real consequences for his horrible behavior or actions....AND I have no say in anything so why would SS16 respect me when DH dosent as well?
Ive just made another appointment with our Counselor but this time its on my own. I dont like DH at the moment and its making me lose respect for him as my husband, partner and father.
My issue though is DH
My issue though is DH managing the consequence ( what are those) and parenting of SS16 and where this should be ideal, it isn't as I feel powerless in my own home... Like my contributions and suggestions re expectations of SS16's behavior is ignored by DH ... So as one poster said why would SS16 respect me when my own DH dosent!!
But I take on board what you mean Sally and next time SS16 says goodnight but ignores me saying goodnight, I will raise my voice and make him respond to me instead of ignoring me... It was a clear last night he was only saying goodnight to his father and not to me... I said it twice and both times I was ignored. I raised to DH the other night about how Ss16 is ignoring me and DH acts like I'm being the unreasonable one... I'm seeing a pattern here where DH swoops in to defend his kids bad behaviour and I'm made out to sound unreasonable and selfish.... Every single time this happens is a step closer to me wanting a divorce.
Your problem is your DH, not
Your problem is your DH, not SS. It is up to him to demand respect for his wife and the rules of the home. Your DH is making decisions that effect you without your input. I could not live with such a disrespectful man. Personally, I'd ask him to live YOUR home until he got his kid sorted out. Best of luck.
I have 3 weeks ago and he
I have 3 weeks ago and he said " for better or for worse remember"... And we both have since attended two counselling sessions together and was told by the counsellor that we need to work on making decisions together and coming from an "us" same page United front basis as oppose to a me and me approach.
Things haven't changed though.
So I'm going to continue counselling on my own so I can be assisted in helping me make a decision for myself not just because I married DH. I need to look after me at the end of the day and I'm just mortified that DH has not been able to consider my feelings etc, in our short 5 month marriage. I'm actually embarrassed that I've married him.
Unfortunately, disengaging is
Unfortunately, disengaging is the best for yourself. I have had to do it. Don't like it, but when you are the one trying to be a good step-parent and nothing is going right. That is the best thing for yourself. However, then the resentment begins to build. Slippery slop.
Thank you yes... I guess I
Thank you yes... I guess I was looking for us to be a United front as suggested by our counsellor and when it didn't happen ( I honestly don't think DH even realised we weren't) I was disappointed.
I've pulled waaaaay back and now it's uncomfortable as SS16 and I virtually pass each other in the house without truly engaging. He too has pulled back from me as he senses I'm cross with everything and after what he said to me ( That it has nothing to do with me as I'm just the step mother).... Yeah right... He's living in my house and its got nothing to do with me! But that's an example of SS16's level of entitlement he feels that adults have no right to set boundaries or have expectations of him! He wants to be treated like an adult without contributing like one.
This is what DH has come to
This is what DH has come to in terms of consequences should SS16 get kicked out of school again. I've also checked in with DH during our recent conversation about challenging SS16 next time he is a shit with bad attitude to say if he dosent like it here ( my house by the way) then he can leave. DH said fine by him. However, he has said that before and it didn't happen. But I know I will be insisting he leaves or otherwise DH and SS16 leaves and live togther as I'm done.
We are both at the end of our tether and I'm sure this kid is screwed up but I didn't do it and I refuse to feel guilt for how he was ( is) raised. Welcome to the real world and if SS16 continues to buck the system, he will have to be a part of the system and seek government assistance so he can live independently from us as his mother dosent want him. There is no supported residential programs for teens in Australia unfortunately... He would have been sent there years ago when he came to live FT with his father.
I found this link that explains how SS16 was damaged by his mother when younger and has since grown into a rebellious teenager as he feels entitled to preferential treatment and society dosent accept that at all!
https://www.facebook.com/NarcissisticFamilySupportGroup/posts/8590596808...
https://www.facebook.com/NarcissisticFamilySupportGroup/posts/8590583341...