New here....need to vent...need advice please.
:? Hi, I thought i had posted something yesterday but now I cant find it...oops! Quick background...been with husband for almost 7yrs, married for one...I'm 45 yrs old and have no children, he has one from prev marriage...my 12 yr old stepson. He has been in my life all these years as well, has his own room at our house. His Mom is semi strict and he has many chores to do at his home and he listens to her and his step dad....he comes with us every other weekend at minimum...or extended stays when his Mom is sick (she has health issues). When he is with us, he does nothing....if things do not go his way he turns rude, deceitful, disrespectful, can never be wrong, will not listen, tries to bait especially me and loves to argue anything we ask of him. It has got to the point where i do not enjoy him a lot. His dad is some of the issue since he lets alot of his behavior roll off his shoulders and tries to be his 'buddy'. Things will get to a boiling point and we will all sit down and talk and say things will change but then they dont for long. I am tired of the roller coaster, I feel second and I have been more than loving and caring towards this child who treats me like crap alot. I am going to therapy soon to gain peace of mind...but I would like advice on how to handle this child who refuses to think he is a child and will not listen to adults. He has an excuse for everything and believes he is always right...it is so tiring!!His Mom says we need to learn to handle him when I try to let her know what goes on. Please, help. TY!!
sorry, what i MEANT to convey
sorry, what i MEANT to convey is that he will not listen to myself or his Dad half the time...he challenges us, will say things like "what's your problem", "no, I'm not doing that, it makes no sense" "don't flip out now", "whatever", "you're wrong"...etc...etc...he has an excuse for everything and back talk....I'm trying to learn to deal with this the best way possible so I don't have a nutty! haha! And yes, I am aware my husband needs to be consistent and we need to be untited...I plan on having him attend the therapy as well....but in the meantime, anyone have any tips so I can learn to not let this child drive me mad?? Thanks so very much.
I hate to say it, but this
I hate to say it, but this sounds like the tween puberty switch has gone off. That attitude will likely be there until he hits his 20s.
Having said that, if Dh leads the way with some rules and he sticks to it, you might see a slight improvement. Therapy can be a good start and you may get some insights you're not expecting.
My ss9 backtalks, something bm fosters in skids as she thinks it's funny/cute. We don't allow it. Ss will get reprimanded if he's a clearly being obstinate/disrespectful. If it's just a matter that he's skirting the line or has forgotten which house he's in, we'll turn it back on him - and we're very sarcastic people. He doesn't always get it but we either end up laughing or he's had enough and moves on.
"what's your problem" Well, I'm short and Dad likes to put things on the top shelf.
"no, I'm not doing that, it makes no sense" If it made dollars would you do it?
"don't flip out now" Okay, good, because the trampoline place is closed until the morning.
"whatever" Whenever, wherever, We're meant to be together, I'll be there and you'll be near, And that's the deal my dear (Shakira lyrics)
"you're wrong" no, I'm Jane Doe. Nice to meet you!
Disengage when he is around.
Disengage when he is around. That will save your peace of mind. Make it clear to your DH that you expect him to deal with everything to do with the kid when he is on your territory--cooking for him, cleaning up after him, laundry, etc. and that you aren't going to be around the kid and get disrespected.
TY!!!
Belt meet bare kid ass. End
Belt meet bare kid ass. End of problem. Set the rules of acceptable behavior for your home. Enforce the rules. Lather, rinse, repeat. He plays you and his dad because he knows he can get away with it. Stop letting him get away with it.
Hold him accountable for his behavior and make him live the consequences if he fails to comply with the standards of behavior in your home.
Daddy needs to warm up his full forehand swing and warm up this kids butt each and every time he violates the rules of acceptable behavior. Once his ass is warm, red, and stinging put him in an empty room in an antique wooden school writing desk with a ream of paper a pen, and make him write tens of thousands of sentences about his specific behavioral violation of the moment.
"I will do what I am told when I am told and speak to my father and Step Mother with respect or I choose the consequences."
"I will do my homework and turn it in on time."
"I will not lie, cheat, steal, or tolerate anyone who does."
etc, etc, etc, ..............................................
Assign them in quotas of 3000 or so, all in perfect handwriting, perfect grammar, and at a rate of 180ish per hour. One messy letter, one punctuation error, or one missed hourly quota and the count zeroes and he starts the whole assignment over. He will learn to do what he is told when he is told and to comply with the behavioral standards or he will have amazing handwriting. Or both. No quarter, no breaks, he complies or he is miserable. This keeps him segregated from you and DH while he is writing. The second he walks in the door he goes back to sentences. If you all go out to dinner or a movie, fine, but when he walks in the house .... sentences. Do not punish yourself by foregoing what you and DH want to do when you want to do it, take the Skid with you when it is his visitation time but if he snarks or otherwise violates the behavioral standards, he gets more sentences. Make the sentence match the infraction so he can absorb the message by osmosis while he writes.
It works. My Skid wrote 10's of thousands of sentences between the age of about 7 and 13. He has great handwriting. }:)
And ... he thrived in a structured environment where he was held accountable for his actions. He is 23 and a few months ago asked for me to adopt him since I am the only dad he has that treated him like a son and held him accountable for the adult he has become. It was my pleaser and with great pride that my wife and I made the adoption happen.
Set the rules, enforce the rules, and parent the kid in your home rather than allowing him to run amok and tolerating his snarky crap.
IMHO of course.
I appreciate the suggestions