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Disengagement advice

breakingthroughtheinstincts's picture

Submitted by breakingthrough... on Sat, 09/26/2015 - 5:45am

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Blended Family Issues

I am at the point with SD16 when unfortunately, disengagement is the only road open to me that doesn't result in me locked up in the funny farm with my arms strapped around my waist.

Haha, ok it's not that bad. But I refuse to be hurt any more. DH and I love each other so deeply, he is the centre of my world and I let that love spill over to his children in the hope they will respond - I think SS19 is doing so. Not so with SD16 - she is borderline sociopathic and her last visit demonstrated quite how vindictive, two-faced and hurtful she can be.

So how far do I disengage? Do I say "Hi SD, how are you?" or leave the latter off to avoid having to feign interest in her life (ultimately being as bad as her by being two-faced)? Last time I disengaged I literally went out of the room when she walked in (not too obviously I hope) and she was very happy with the situation. So was I, come to think of it. I actually don't want to talk to her - how do you handle DH saying 'could you just take SD here', or if he wants to have a sit down dinner (where she feeds my dog from the table because she knows I have asked her not to). How do I keep my dog away from her (who she regularly shouts at/teases/is nasty to)?

Any advice appreciated xx

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sat, 09/26/2015 - 9:10am

Since she enjoyed you leaving the room any time she was in it and she purposefully perpetrated behaviors that irritate you why disengage? It seems to me that the better solution is a one of total and complete confrontation and domination.

You don't ever leave the room. She either behaves of she leaves the room. Have sit down dinners. If she feeds YOUR dog against YOUR wishes take her plate and inform her that she will not eat if she cannot comply with instructions regarding feeding the dog.

Zero tolerance. She complies or you make her life a living hell.

She either learns to behave in compliance with the established behavioral rules and standards of the home and family or .... she suffers. }:) She is making a choice so she should be served complete and total accountability for her actions and the consequences should be clear, immediate, consistent, and repeated until she complies.

Rather than disengage inform DH that the rules of the household will be enforced and he can either step up and get that done before you have to or he can STFU while you do it. Either way is fine but the rules will be enforced and SD will suffer the consequences of her decisions and actions whether she or DH likes it or not.

A far more effective and rewarding solution than disengagement IMHO. Disengagement is forfeiting your position as an adult in the core adult relationship in the household to a kid.

Not an acceptable option IMHO.

ohiodad's picture

Submitted by ohiodad on Mon, 09/28/2015 - 2:40pm

You think a lot like me and my wife. We have rules and our house and NO ONE is above the rules. Not bio-kids, step-kids, or BIL and SIL that we are guardians to. I remember telling SS11 when we were having issues with BD sabotaging our blending process that he doesn't have to like me, but he damn well better respect me and listen to me. Since that moment we have a fantastic relationship.

breakingthroughtheinstincts's picture

Submitted by breakingthrough... on Sat, 09/26/2015 - 9:51am

Thanks all. Confrontation is not an option, she loves it and is addicted to dramas/soaps and loves nothing more than a good fight. I try to refrain from being nasty as that is also what she wants (an evil stepmother) - a 'living hell' is exactly what she thinks she is living in with me (apparently I criticise her, am nasty to her). I also now don't give her rules as that is gold dust for her to break them (as I have no comeback). The last rule was the dog feeding and I now just completely ignore her behaviour, she does stop.

I have always tried to work on a reward based system: You are nice/civil/respectful then you get my respect and love, if not you are ignored. However last visit (see my blog) she was loveliness itself and yet went back to BM telling her I was horrible, cruel, never wanted to come to us again. That is why any personal emotional investment from me has to stop. DH is furious with her due to her behaviour at the moment so I am going to let him fight his fight (which may mean she doesn't come round for a while anyway) - it is so sad what she's doing to him, it breaks my heart to see the one I love get treated like that.